Disbelief (And How To Deal With It)

My kind savage your heart. We pollute your mind. We ravage your soul. One of the all-pervasive elements of your entanglement with us is just how unbelievable it all is. This operates in two ways. You find it unbelievable at the time and you find it unbelievable afterwards, although often in a different way. This creates confusion, bewilderment, emotional overload and paralysis which are as you are now aware, are key components of exerting control over you. This unbelievable behaviour is found at every stage of your entanglement.

  1. Seduction

It is unbelievable just how amazing our love for you is when you are being love-bombed, it is unbelievable but you will not reject it because it feels so wonderful, so uplifting and so joyous. It is then unbelievable later that someone who loved you in such a way could suddenly stop doing so. Even later, you still find it unbelievable that it was fake. Surely we did love you? Surely we had those feelings for you? It is unbelievable that we could not have done. Do you see how this lack of believability can twist and turn, morphing into a new angle, yet remaining in place to confuse and puzzle you?

  1. Devaluation

It is unbelievable that somebody can turn to quickly from being loving to being awful. It is unbelievable that a person can behave in such a way towards somebody who they say that they love. It is unbelievable how long you put up with this behaviour for. It is unbelievable that this behaviour could last for as long as it did. It is unbelievable that this person cannot understand what they are doing and see what they are doing is wrong. It is unbelievable that they cannot be helped.

  1. Discard

It is unbelievable that someone can just vanish like that. It is unbelievable that someone can move on to someone else in the blink of an eye. It is unbelievable that the new target cannot see what is really happening. It is unbelievable that the new victim won’t accept what you tell them about us. It is unbelievable how we ignore you, refuse to speak to you and treat you like we never knew you after everything that has been said and done. It is unbelievable that you have been treated like this after everything that you did. It is unbelievable that he is saying so many lies and hurtful things to other people about you.

  1. The Post Discard Hoover

It is unbelievable that someone can just waltz back into your life like nothing has happened and carry on as normal. It is unbelievable how much you want that person to contact you even though you have suffered terribly. It is unbelievable just how much you miss this person. It is unbelievable how he has said all those horrible things to other people and then brushes it to one side.

It is unbelievable that you want this person so much. It is unbelievable that you cannot stop thinking about us.

So many unbelievable matters and what is the cumulative effect of all this? You are bewildered, unable to comprehend what has happened, unable to make sense of it all and you are left a whirlpool of emotions. You are dizzy, disorientated and unable to pick a path to stick to in order to reach safety. You can be picked off again with ease by our kind.

To add to the sheer unbelievable nature of what you have endured is the fact that so few people can actually understand what has happened either. They may have been brainwashed by us, they may just not want to get involved or they just cannot understand how somebody can behave like that and think you are either exaggerating or they are so stunned they cannot offer you any practical assistance. The power of this lack of believability and the effect of disbelief are substantial and they act as double hammer blows against your recovery.

How do you tackle the sheer scale of disbelief from both you and those around you?

  1. Understand what you have been entangled with. Really understand.
  2. Understand that our kind operate in a different reality to you.
  3. Avoid over analysis of our motives. Until you grasp points one and two, such analysis is futile and detrimental.
  4. Do you really need so many people to believe you? Are you not propounding the pain by repeatedly explaining it to people who are unwilling or unable to help? Don’t approach this in a scattergun manner.
  5. Don’t seek answers from us. You won’t get them. Ever.
  6. Do not expect everyone to understand. They have not experienced it.
  7. Identify promptly those who can be relied on and ensure they understand. Conserve your energy for these true supporters and do not waste it on lost causes.
  8. Read, read and read so you understand.
  9. Build your vessel of logic and understanding. You need it to get across the emotional sea which this disbelief is keeping you in.
  10. Use independent evidence, not just your say so, to support your position and break down disbelief.
  11. Accept some people will always be on our side. Don’t waste time trying to persuade them. You are not going to convince them.
  12. Don’t waste time trying to tell the world at large about how awful we are. You may want everyone to know but this is a futile exercise. We have already smeared you and you are just paying into our hands.
  13. Don’t bother attacking our façade unless you have the energy and credible independent exercise. You will use up valuable energy trying to tackle a wall that believes us and not you.
  14. Many people experience our kind but few people understand that they have done so. It is hard trying to persuade people that they have encountered a narcissist. We make it that way.
  15. Ultimately, it is you who matters most and has to shake the disbelief ahead of everybody else. Concentrate on that.

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28 Comments

  1. My biggest disbelief is the seemingly normal human I dated that seemed to be intelligent and have class has become such a disaster behaviorally. Even the few affairs I was aware of were with normal attractive women. I’m still in utter disbelief of the current life selections despite knowing that the narcissism does what the narcissism dictates as necessary. Like I would never have seen him talk to such people as he would have poked fun at them. I can’t grasp this reality entirely because of the absurdity that is the social decline. You’ll never be able to make me understand how someone can sink so low when they don’t even have to in regard to their choices.

    1. Lorelei
      Do you think him doing so is serving a purpose in making you wonder and compare as you are? He doesn’t care as long as he’s being fuelled, but if it’s obvious to him that it bothers you then he still has some control over you. He’s fuelled and you’re disgusted/punished. Win/win for him.

      1. I just replied to Caroline about what fuels my disgust and I wish I could wish it away. It’ll dissipate or take new shapes as time trudges forward certainly. It’s 100% about who my kids around. All I can do is counter the influences with interesting and dynamic people and places. It’s a work in progress for sure. He isn’t always winning:)

        1. Lorelei
          I hope you know I meant winning in his mind. HG says most of the behaviours are instinctive and not planned, but I wondered if he flaunts his new posse and lifestyle knowing that it would disgust you and in hope of causing reaction from you that he can feed off of (for instance if you commented on his nipple piercing or your observations of his social decline). Of course if you are laughing inwardly, not responding to his antics, and ignoring him as much as possible going about your life, then his attempts are rendered ineffective. I do understand the concern people have regarding their children and who they will encounter with the new fuel sources.

          1. Yes NA he thinks he’s on top of the world. You have to be correct re, an instinctive “winning” powerful feeling. I also think maybe he’s been poisoned with lead perhaps to dull down the IQ.

      2. NA—I inwardly laughed reflecting again on your comment this morning. He’s been sending a barrage of emails and texts in an attempt to blow off steam. (Unlike ever before)
        This morning the theme is to attack my travel plans I made for for March. He’s adopting the mannerisms of the lessers! I confirmed late last week he was available in March for a week and a half of my travel. I booked the trip and the kids were aware of the destination. He emailed today attacking my plans as child abandonment basically. His anger was fierce as he misspelled several words and used disjointed grammar. It’s inappropriate to fly across the big wide sea apparently and much too fancy for the lessers of his current scenario to wrap their minds around. There is this delusion of me stealing his money and it’s not accurate because it’s always been me weathering his storm of gambling. It’s comical as f*%#. I’m thinking the comedic value is almost worth the associated rise in ET.

    2. Lorelei,
      Because it’s sometimes hard to tell in writing, I want to say (up-front) that the meaning of my reply to you is not meant to scold – but to try to encourage you, perhaps onto a different path, in your thinking…

      I believe one of the worst things human beings can do is to compare themselves to others — for good or bad. Comparisons lead to an array of unhelpful, insidious feelings: Jealousy, pettiness, spite, confusion, insecurity, arrogance, etc.

      So besides the fact that *who* the narc is with now has no bearing on who YOU are (it does not, hon)…it’s probably not going to help you to continue to dwell on the differences. You’re not IN that scenario, which is good, so…

      Maybe try to look at + embrace who *you* are, and celebrate what you love about yourself~and improve what you’d like to change about yourself — and get excited about new directions you can take. After all, you’re walking around with YOU every single day…not your ex…not his new person. So you can separate that out, and be someone you feel so good about that nobody can steal your inner peace/joy…there are always new things to do & discover~and perhaps a shift in thinking may help you heal/move forward even more.❤

      I hope you take this in the spirit of care that was meant.💝 We are all on a journey with ourselves, so we’re all works in progress — that’s not *just* a cliché. I’m working on false GUILT…guilt…guilt, I tell you!😰

      1. Thanks Caroline—no scolding perceived. It’s 100% about who my kids are around. Nothing to do with me vs. her—he never left me for her and it’s not her fault. I simply want normal humans influencing my children. My oldest expressed embarrassment over her/his behavior. They’ve witnessed inappropriate relations. They are around a lesser felon type of loser at times. It’s like an alien invasion took over his judgement. I know comparing myself to his group of fuel providers is pointless and would only be for amusement if I had no concerns. (No kids with him)
        Do I feel sorry for her? I’m aware of how she will feel down the road but my empathy is blunted by my disgust re, her lifestyle. She can essentially fuck off because I get to clean up the damage of her influence.

        1. Lorelei,
          I totally understand…your kiddos are precious innocents in the narcissist’s manipulations, and I so feel for them – and you. 💓That’s a very tough situation, sweetie…as a Mom, your love for them is your best guide, in how to empower yourself & protect them as much as possible. You can be that stable force, and in doing right & not playing into his hands (as much as humanly possible), they will see the Truth. Kids are keen in their perceptions…they have the best sense of what is off, and they will also believe what they consistently see being played out in front of them. I’m sure you get overwhelmed by them being exposed to any of this junk…and I would absolutely feel the same; but also try to remember that life is filled with narcs & other shady characters and trials, and this can actually be a learning experience that can strengthen them for other hard or weird situations they’ll encounter in life. KWIM?

          Above all, know that a Mama’s love — most especially a Mama who is an Empath🙌 — can give them the foundational security to navigate some mighty treacherous waters…and still land their little feet upon solid ground.
          #MamaBearLoveRules🐾🐻

          1. That’s one way to look at it Caroline—about shady characters abound. I have one priming a wall right now for a wallpaper accent wall. He (?) walked in and I nearly dropped to the floor! It’s like silence of the lambs material and I mean that with no reservation.

          2. Lorelei,
            Oh dear…if you find him rummaging through your pantry looking for fava beans, flee!!!😱 I’m a friendly girl, but I usually do feel a bit vulnerable when alone with contractors. Ironically, the last contractor who came out to my house was such a cutie cowboy type🤠…but he was so *overly* polite & SO shy with me that I was starting to wonder if he was okay or not…like he dropped a tool & apologized, saying he hoped it didn’t “startle” me…no, I’m fine – but, um…are you? (I’m usually pretty good at putting people at ease, but he was nervousy the whole time)…maybe these contract guys can’t win with us. We’ve seen too many scary movies!😰

          3. Oh Caroline—he is bizarre. My friend and I were like “Did you see that?!” He’s returning today at noon. I ordered this great neutral geometric pattern to go around a fireplace wall to spruce up a room. It’s becoming quite expensive. The wall prep and hanging alone is pricier than I ever dreamed. My entire house is likely to be torn up until December. It’s a dusty construction zone. If I disappear from the blog this week I may be in a pit with a little white dog.

          4. Lorelei,
            😧 Ok, now I’m going to need to check the sidebar this week to make sure you’re still around!!! Keep your cell with you.❤ Do you have any burly guy friends? Have them pop by once in awhile. 💪 Or pretend call a cop friend – and talk about how the day’s going at the precinct…what? I didn’t say I’ve done that before.😂 The guy may just be bizarre – look strange – but be totally harmless. Unfortunately, looks are deceiving…like the cute-looking cowboy could have been a psychopath (he really did make me feel funny)…and my former narcissist BF is very handsome and a “cool charmer” – so there ya go, we never really know at first, do we? But be careful anyway, hon, with any strange men in your home. On a side note, your fireplace work sounds lovely.😘

          5. His background check was squeaky clean:)
            Not sure how. Way bizarre. Red nails and dressed like a guy with no teeth.

          6. Well, at least his background check was all right…so far.😱 I’m not digging the red…if he must, black or navy would be better.😂 Maybe he’s a “uniquely expressive” tortured artist/creative soul who is totally fine. History is replete with them…but still…
            #YourCellCanBeYourBestFriend📳<that's either a cellphone – or a microwave…FYI, the microwave can't help you.

          7. Caroline—my new temporary avatar is for you. After all my anxiety it is done and I’ve received word that the cuts are very good. Interestingly, one of the children walked in from school laughing because there was a girl in the work van shaving her head in my cul de sac. Not sure where she came from. Perhaps the glove box? Anyway, my daughter was laughing and I told her to shut up. The wallpaper man offered to do more tasks and I politely told him I would be in touch. (Or not!)
            The wallpaper now has a story rich with history. 💕💕

          8. Lorelei,
            Your pretty fireplace work is done, hooray!🎉…and more importantly, you’re still alive! You’re alive!🎉 So we can say it appears that he’s just a real eccentric sort…and his crew is too? (that’s pretty darn funny, about the van head shaving😎) I actually have a fondness for offbeat people, as they can be fascinating & bring out way different colors to life’s rainbow…I mean, if they are just different – not evil! I still say the red nail polish should go…😂

  2. Accurate. Phenomenal advice.

    Reading your work made me
    Understand I can’t seek validation from others. That was a really big turning point for me in my healing.

    You have my many thanks. Genuinely.

  3. Yes all hard to accept but I am definitely getting there I had a ex narcissist actually have the nerve to ask me for a favour yesterday he was not expecting the no he got and the best part I didn’t feel any guilt in doing so ♥️♥️
    Thanks HG would not have been able to do it without you

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