No Contact
The definitive guide to applying and maintaining No Contact
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9 thoughts on “No Contact”
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The definitive guide to applying and maintaining No Contact
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I have been no contact for exactly two months and it has been rough for me. I have maintained it though “emergencies” where he has contacted my mother, his mothers birthday and I even ran into his uncle and I noticed him before he noticed me and I was able to get out without being seen. I am making a huge effort. But the pain is still there. It hurts to know that someone doesn’t care about you. That he is literally just going to let me walk out of his life without making so much as an effort to make this work, to fix it. But I guess it has to do with the pathology of which they suffer. Even though I am the one that left… I feel like he broke up with me.
It’s now been 9.5 months since total NC w Narcoholic.
I didn’t warn him when I exited and am so proud of myself for that bc it’s funny to me to this day- when it must’ve dawned on him I was gone.
I have friends in narc relationships and I witness their churning anxiety day in and out . I don’t miss that at all, in fact I hadnt realized how peaceful and happy I am when I’m not with a narc – which was really never.
The only contact I have with narc babydaddy is to pick up child support. Bc I don’t bother him to parent anymore, every time we interact he’s pleasant and happy. Fine by me. He trots out his most recent catastrophic life event that is obv beyond his control , not of his own doing – lol -and therefore preventing him from calling his kids- and I just nod , smile, take the $. I don’t care anymore.
I have recently instilled strongly in my empath teen son that 99 percent of what happens in your life is of your own doing. Either embrace that or be a victim that life shits on.
Learn from dad – not in so many words of course.
The narc experiment DLS situation has fizzled to pretty much nothing , I chose a good time to exit as he had a new DLS primed I’m pretty sure.
No narcs. Life is good. I’ve Never felt better,not since I met babydaddy at age 21.
So I feel the best I’ve felt emotionally in 25 years.
I just don’t need the validation or the infatuation or the roller coaster anymore. Instead I have much insight & knowledge into the human race thanks to HG. It’s better. It feels way better to know the world as it is than to try to fit it into my empath worldview.
I’ve given up the narc trait of needing to control.
I don’t care what these narcs do or think now- I already know – why bother with them at all? I don’t need to control if I ever find a non-narc relationship. So be it either way.
The way to peace is TOTAL NC.
HG, I would be interested in hearing what other (longer term) bloggers had to say about NC, especially GOSO, concerning Ns that are not of an intimate nature.
I recognize this is your blog, however I am a tad slow. My continued presence is testament to the feedback I have gained here. I would like to have some of my theories tested by those of my kind, however.
What do you think? Tia
In what context do you mean narc noob?
I once dealt with a female lower greater (self assessed) at work. I was a NIPS.
The relationship was similar to the romantic one in terms of confusion etc.
She indirectly hoovered after I quit through many 3rd parties.
This was a very long time ago. I instinctively went NC. Full on NC. Shut down my Facebook for 6 months. Blocked anyone we had in common after that etc.
The moving on was easier because she was a co worker and I hated her… I didn’t have any feelings other then contempt
To deal with. But I did have revenge fantasies. 🤣
GOSO was successful. I actually ran into her about 6 or 7 years after the incident. Basically didn’t even realize it was her until she flashed me her psychopathic eyes. Lol. Then I was like oh… it’s that bitch 🤣 I just walked away and totally ignored her with zero feelings attached.
It was much easier to recover and achieve zero impact in that case.
But it was a prime example of how they think they own everyone they come in contact with lol.
Thanks for commenting Empath007.
I have had 3 NIPS. One a work colleague but we weren’t in the same office. I have been NC to all 3 but not due to HGs work just as a natural consequence. IE: l get tired of people who can’t open up, who stick with the small talk and don’t give a level playing field when it comes to friendship. They usually get wounded by my honesty anyway and then the rest is history. The interesting thing I noted in those relationships were that I do not recall any of them hoovering. I did my own fair share of reaching out when the confusion phase set in. But soon afterward, nothing, and silence ever since.
I find that GOSO and NC do not work on a practical everyday life level. It works in an intimate setting, intimate in terms of life partners and same sex friendships and some family situations, but not the general public.
It’s impossible with the general public. There will always be a narc at work (more then one if it’s a large organization) there will always be a narc at school (in your class, your child’s class, or at the pta meetings) they will always be where you shop, dine etc.
The problem arises when you become in their fuel matrix. And what position role you play within it. For example… the lady shark I speak of hired me instinctively knowing how much she could use me and assumed I was the doormat type (which is the mistake all narcs make with me… because I am far from the door mat type… I’m the challenge fuel type ) they DO Hoover (at least in my case they did) as a non intimate source. But I can also see how a narc friend might not in some cases as they can easily move on.
I believe GOSO and NC need to be MADE possible by us whenever we can. And 98% of the time it’s possible. Narcs are only a problem when you are in their fuel matrix… and if you’re considered a good friend sometimes you can even get away with years and years before conflict arises and you even realize.
When HG says attachement is the seat of misery. Unfortunately, he’s right. Healthy attachments exist no doubt, but they are rare and with few people in our lives.
I’m similar to you and I like deep meaningful relationships. But tbh as I’ve gotten into my 30s I now appreciate the more superficial relationships as I understand not a lot of people are capable enough or trustworthy enough to connect with on a deeper level.
Empath 007
I just wrote a reply but unfortunately wordpress deleted it. Or some such technology glitch that I wouldn’t have a clue about.
I thank you for helping me figure out my confusion. Your post above where you said we had to be regarded as being in their fuel matrix is probably the kicker here. I would say that we can help stop that from happening – but yes, we can’t GOSO or NC on everybody that we bump into… not until there’s a chance of us moving toward the engagement.
At 40 I am the opposite and superficial is not something that I want in my life. What we value and strive for ourselves we shall have, I beleive. Don’t give up, good friends are more available then our distrust allows us to beleive. Focusing on what you value will help achieve that.
I commented below on my experience.
You just keep scoring points HG! Clearly no contact is hard for me—but you are creating a very sneaky and effective non-narcissist and I killed it today squashing attempts to engage etc. Adore you! Talk about a damn ball game. You make me think critically and I like it.