We repeatedly provoke. The act of provocation is one which is designed to cause a strong and often unwelcome emotion in the recipient. On one level, it can be said that everything we do is provocative because we are always looking to cause you to be emotional, to react in an emotional fashion to what we do and as a consequence give us the fuel that we need. Thus when we tell you that we have finally found our soul mate, we are provoking you into generating an intense feeling of being loved (or at least thinking that you are being loved) which causes you to exhibit your love towards us and thus we gain our fuel. We pay a friend a compliment in order to provoke that person into at least thanking us, thus a small dollop of positive fuel or more hopefully (and indeed more likely because this empathic secondary source is well-mannered, honest and decent) we pay them a compliment so they will pay one to us and thus more fuel is garnered. There is no unconditional giving with our kind. We only give to receive.

Thus all of the things that we say and do, the manipulations, the chicanery, the machinations and the mind games are all designed to provoke you into giving us fuel. However, in its strictest sense, we provoke you in order to generate that intense response and one which is negative in nature. We provoke you so that you will explode in anger, erupt in a stream of profane insults and vent your frustration through a slap to the face or a mug hurled towards us.

We will push and push and push. Yes, many of you have a remarkable capacity to absorb these pointy sticks which jab you. Your kind are well-versed and skilled in the turning of the cheek, the adoption of the high ground and the making of allowances. You will bury the hatchet and we will dig it up again in order to give you a dig from the sharp point. You will let bygones be bygones and we will resurrect the memory of an age-old issue in order to rankle you.

Nothing is off limits in terms of provoking you. It might be focusing on a vulnerability of yours that we know about (having acquired this information when we seduced you) so that we remind you of a frightening episode from your childhood or capitalise on your terror of spiders. It might be homing in on your sensitivity about the size of your nose, the shape of your head, the bright red of your embarrassment. If you owe us money, we shall remind you of it and comment on your poor financial position. We may flirt because we know how much you hate the notion of us being unfaithful. We may repeatedly turn up late because you are an advocate of punctuality. We may criticise your parents, your choice of film, your culinary skills, your attempts to loser weight; whatever we have identified as a means for causing you to erupt at us we will do it.

We know which buttons to press. We have a knack and an instinct for doing so. This is because we are able to gather information about you when we seduce you which will be stored away and used against you at a later stage. This is also because empathic individuals are more likely to respond in an emotional fashion. Yes, you will soak it up at first by making allowances for our behaviour and indeed making excuses, exhibiting this selfless understanding for which you are famed. This will not dissuade us. We know that everybody has a limit of what they can take before they snap. Sometimes it is bursting into tears, running from the room or screaming. Other times it is exploding with a volley of curses, coming at us with flailing arms or shouting and screaming at the top of your voice about how awful we are.

Push, prod, niggle. Aggravate, rile, irritate. Ruffle, vex, bug. Irk incense and annoy. We will chip away at your defences, jabbing and poking as we look to make your blood boil, get on your nerves, get under your skin,  work you into lather and try your patience until you can take no more. We can sense the emotion rising in you. We notice the slight tells, the narrowing of the eyes, the rolling of the eyes, the sighs, the shake of the head, the hands on the hips, the raised palm, the jutting jaw and so on. The more you try to tell us that we are not getting to you, the more we are encouraged. We know that your emotion is building up inside of you. We know that it is increasing and no matter how much you are trying to maintain that cool exterior, we understand what is building up.

We not only have a medley of ways by which we provoke you, but we are experts in choosing precisely the best (worst) time to engage in this behaviour. Do any of these instances seem familiar?

When you are trying to get ready to go out.

When you are trying to have a telephone conversation with somebody else.

When you are trying to cook.

When you are trying to perform some chore.

When you are trying to get to sleep.

When you first come through the door after a long day.

When sat next to us in the car on a long journey.

When sat across from us in a restaurant.

When at some event of your choosing.

We will pick an inopportune time to commence our provocation so that you are caught off guard, when you are tired, when you are hungry, when you are anxious or stressed. The moment must be right for us and wholly inappropriate for you and then we can unleash the relevant form of provocation. We know what really gets to you. It may be the subject matter. It might be the way of conveying it, for instance patronising you or acting in a condescending fashion. It could be jabbing you with a finger on the shoulder to punctuate or words or giving you a dig in the back as you lie on your side in bed, after each savage sentence.

Eventually comes the eruption. You can only take so much and invariably when this provocation comes allied with an emotional state which makes you more susceptible to our provocations the explosion is all the more satisfying. Copious amounts of negative fuel fountain from you as you shout, scream, bang doors, slam your hand on the work top, swear and so forth. Inside we are soaring with the power that comes from the provision of this most excellent fuel. You, the paragon of virtue, the most patient of saints has been brought to boiling point and we achieved it. You have responded to our control. Our superiority is once again affirmed, we are the puppetmasters, we are omnipotent in our actions and you have responded as we wanted. Such marvellous fuel that sprays from you and we relish every drop.

Of course as it fountains and flows from you we will not want it to stop and the provocation will continue. Not only are we ensuring that we get to bathe in your overflowing fuel, we are using this eruption as evidence of how unhinged you are. Do not be surprised if this niggling, poking provocation occurs where others will see it. You can expect the whispered and insidious provocations to be used, the acts which are open to interpretation (although we both full well know exactly what was meant by our remark, our look or our gesture) and our good friend plausible deniability will be given an airing.

“Who me officer? I did nothing. She just exploded. I get this all the time, she has an anger management problem. John here will confirm she just went mental and started hitting me.” (Cue obliging Lieutenant).

“I don’t know what gets into her dad, she just erupts. You saw what she was like at mum’s birthday party. That is what I have to live with.”

“I feel sorry for you Mrs Johnson, having a daughter with a temper like that.”

We will provoke you. We will draw the delicious fuel that you will provide to us and then we will use your eruption against you as evidence of your unhinged mind, nasty temperament and unbalanced mental state.

Provocation is a mainstay of our behaviour. It comes in many forms, it is used in many different ways and on a range of occasions but its effects are always the same.

  1. The provision of a massive dose of negative fuel from a primary source;
  2. The exertion of control over you;
  3. The reinforcement of our image of superiority, lack of accountability and omnipotence;
  4. The creation of an emotional state in you which hampers your ability to think clearly and logically;
  5. The creation of a situation where you can later be made to feel guilty for erupting in the way you have at us;
  6. The manufacturing of a scenario which is used to reinforce our façade – we were calm and bewildered by this outburst.
  7. The manufacturing of a scenario which is used to smear you to third parties.

Provocation is a very useful tool to us. It is used extensively and repeatedly. Know why it is being used. Do not try to outlast it and exert your capability for patience, tolerance and understanding. You are just goading us to try harder. Remove yourself before your threshold is reached to avoid giving us points 1-7 above.

Provocation will always be used against you.

Anyway, who do you think you are looking at?

16 thoughts on “Provocation

  1. Lori says:

    Hi HG,

    I have been no contact with the Narc quite some time now and have some highly suspect things happen but nothing I can really prove are him

    Here’s my question. Narc dumped me for another iPad awhile back. I was blocked from both his real and his fake Facebook then unblocked them reblocked and so on. I only know this because he would pop in people you may know as we have many mutual friends. Anyway yesterday a mutual friend sent me photos his new ipss in the town where he has a weekend place. He is not in the photos for obvious reasons but do you think he put her up to making that post knowing that our mutual friend who tends to gossip would tell me ? Would this be provocation ? Because I feel provoked or is that just me reading something into this? Would a narc go about provocation in this manner ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I would need to know the type of narcissist involved to provide an accurate answer. However, it is mist likely it was done to provoke generally and garner fuel (positive and negative) and was not just aimed directly at you.

      1. Lori says:

        He is a lesser. I have blocked him everywhere and he has me blocked on his real fb profile. There is an event this weekend that I feel he will preview me with which I will not react to. He has yet to elicit any response from me other than me blocking him. I know he knows now that I have blocked him.

        My general question is do narcs ever figure out that hey maybe I have pushed too far because nothing I have done is working and now she blocked me ? Do they ever figure that they have gone too far and that maybe they should stop provocation ?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No. It is your fault, not ours.

          1. Lori says:

            So if the victim is not responding to any of the negative provocations do they just eventually stop or do the try a different tactic ? I keep think this will eventually end and while it isn’t daily, it seems to never end and keeps coming via proxy

            I honestly can’t believe he is still bothering with me. It’s been quite some time now however I only completely blocked him about a month ago. I keep thinking why in the hell is he bothering with me ? The guy has tons of supply. I can’t remember where I read this but I read that sometimes when you finally go full no contact that it can trigger obsession in them? Is that true ? I believe him to be a middle lesser

          2. HG Tudor says:

            There will be a Logic Bulletin addressing this.

  2. Gigi says:


    I have been involved as a DSIPSS (I’m married, he’s single) with a Mid-Range Somatic at work for the past six months. He insists that we keep this “on the down low”–for me, my family, and both of our professional standing. I also suspect that he has one or more IPSS’s, although the identity of an IPPS is unclear. I’ve always been available, never pushed back–he brings out the submissive in me.

    The odd and upsetting thing is that he consistently asks me about whether I’ve had sex with my husband, telling me that I should have sex with him, that he wants me to initiate sex with my husband over the weekend, that it is the “right thing to do”, etc. I get visibly upset (he laughts) every time he does this–he knows that I have no physical attraction for my husband and that things are not the best at home.

    He tells me that it is quite all right for me to have sex with my husband, that he is ok with “sharing” me with my husband, and that he wants me to be happy and sexual with my husband because he (the MRN) and I are “involved” and he “cares” about my happiness.

    My questions are:

    1. I feel like I’m in a double bind–I thought that narcissists do not like to share? I expected that he would not want me to rekindle anything with my husband, and prefer me to devote my sexual attention to him, like I’m doing now? If this is to provoke me, exactly what steps does he want me to DO? To him, it should be clear that I’m already upset–but he can’t seriously want me to have sex with both of them, does he?

    2. Is this a typical narcissist direction? Why?

    3. Is this typical of a devaluation stage?

    4. Or Is this a method of testing?

    Thanks so much HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Gigi, these are matters which require more information and the provision of more information to you and therefore you should organise a consultation.

    2. Lori says:

      Oh my gosh mine used to obsess about whether I had se with my husband at first he couldn’t stand the thought of it then he was like well you are going to have to because of you dong he’s going to know something is wrong.

      Them telling you to have sex with your spouse is a way of devaluing you and saying you don’t mean much to me cause see I sing even care who you have sec with but they really Don’t want you to because if you do and you tell them that’s when you really become damaged goods and your days are numbered. What they are really looking for I. Those comments is for you to say you are kit or you won’t because you want to be with them. It’s always opposite land with a narcissist they live the power in knowing that they have control over your spouses life too

  3. Gab says:

    Yes you are right. This was my little sin, I was curious if he acknowledged my birthday.

    I didn’t give him any reaction and won’t give any in the future.

  4. kaydiva3 says:

    Omg yes!!!! The man who stalked me would say the most outlandish things. He would make racist, sexist or bigoted statements, and when I reacted he would say “why are you getting so upset? I’m having a healthy conversation. I had no idea you would get this defensive”. Then he would say I was being rude to him. But if I didn’t react, he would say “I guess you’re too bored of me. You must be dating other men and not telling me. You don’t give a shit about me”. There was absolutely no winning with him.

  5. MB says:

    I had a narc boss that provoked me. He kept me low key irritated and would try to get me truly angry at him at other times. He also made me cry. (Not easy to do, if you know me.) I wish I knew then what I know now!

    Even so, I didn’t put up with it for long. (About two months) This is a story I’ll never live down. After a particularly savage provocation, I told him, “you’ll never control me like you do your wife and your kids and your dogs!” I got my things and left. He called me later that evening to tell me I was fired. Ha! Umm…pretty sure I quit boss, but have it your way Narc.

  6. amanda SNapchat says:

    It was very helpful to understand provocation and why it is done. It empowers you to not take the bait.
    I connected with my ex narc because I needed someone in politics to help me. The relationship was a symbiosis. If he did something shitty to me, he would be screwed too. I thought this symbiosis would limit his bad behavior.

    I was wrong. Fuel wins everything. Fuel beats a good job, money, fame.
    The narc did something to screw with me, provoke me, even if this hurt his changes of a good job, money or fame.

    When he did it. I did not react. No fuel to him. Nothing. I remembered HG’s lesson.
    I have dumped my ex narc again. I am no contact.

    But it was great to understand this. I think it unbalances narcs a lot when you do not react. Especially if u had in the past. Beat the narc by not giving them fuel.

    Thank you HG. Great lessons and clear writing.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  7. Gab says:

    HG is it a provocation if my mid range ex who is blocked for 2 years and falled in breaking my NC with some many passive benign hoovers, during my birthday posts a busy picture of himself, tagging it with something like “just a casual day” while he normally don’t post anything? When I saw it I had the feeling he is trying to show me how meaningless this day is. Ofc we are no longer together, he is blocked, I dont expect birthday wishes and I am not sad about it. It just felt like it was directed at me since he rerely post anything. Do you think it could be a malign provocation because despite he was trying many times I failed to unblock him?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Why are you looking at his social media? That is a breach of no contact. It is not permissible as part of a total no contact regime.
      2. It is triangulation – you are being triangulated with your birthday in order to provoke a response.

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