Why The Narcissist Makes Your Going Out Such A Battle
This article analyses the thoughts and motivations adopted by the narcissist with regard to your going out socially with a narcissist. This thought process is most applicable to Lesser and Mid Range Narcissists and the conversational example is most applicable to a Mid Range Narcissist.
We do not like you to socialise without us. Why would you want to be anywhere other than by our side marvelling at how brilliant we are? Why on earth would you want to spend time with someone who is clearly inferior to us? What are you up to by going out with someone else? You are clearly being disloyal and that does not please us. Moreover, you are not providing us with any fuel by asserting some form of independence and that is a terrible and selfish thing for you to do.
If you are going out with others, this will cause wounding to the narcissist. We do not like you to spend time with other people since we fear that they exert some malign influence over you. We know they will be trying to undermine us in your eyes and turn you against us. We know it is because they are jealous of what we have together and rather than be pleased for you, they are smearing my good name.
You want to listen to them as well, otherwise why would you be going? Our careful and structured control of you, our calculated isolation of you, all stand to be damaged by your socialising with those who we have not got control over. We tried but for some reasons there are two or three of your friends who proved immune to our charm. I should feel sorry for them since they are selfish, bitter and twisted, but I don’t feel sorry for them because I don’t feel sorry do I, only for myself. I want you with me, where I can keep an eye on you and control you. I want you here where you are supplying me with fuel. This is your rightful place and by organising to go out for your meal with these friends you are telling me that I am not good enough to spend time with. You are criticising me and that wounds me. I have to stop you wounding me. I have to stop you going. I have to maintain the upper hand. Thus because of your selfish behaviour the Battle of Going Out is joined.
This battle embraces :-
- A Preventative Hoover to halt the victim from doing something else. The doing of something else makes the narcissist feel like he does not have control and therefore the act of going elsewhere will wound, cause the ignition of fury and the response is designed to stop you going out and thus is a Preventative Hoover.
- If you still endeavour to depart but respond in a hurt, argumentative, frustrated etc manner you are providing the narcissist with Challenge Fuel. There is no longer any wounding (because fuel is being provided) BUT your desire to depart combined with your emotional response is the Challenge Fuel. The narcissist must instinctively respond with manipulations to put ‘down’ this ‘rebellion’ by you.
- Fuel is of course acquired. Negative in nature.
- Should you not go out, the potential wounding does not occur. Furthermore, if you back down and do not argue, fight against our influence, you are no longer giving Challenge Fuel. If you sit crying, this is Pure Negative Fuel. If you smile and decide you would rather stay in with us and be pleasant then this is Pure Positive Fuel.
Here comes the exchange. It contains a number of manipulations by the narcissist – see if you can identify them.
“You never said that you were going out,” I begin as I see you getting ready in the bathroom. You halt applying your make-up and turn to me.
“Yes I did, I told you last week and again this morning.”
“No you didn’t.”
“Yes I did, I remember.”
“No you did not. I would have remembered if you had told me,” I answer.
” I put it on the calendar.” You walk to the kitchen and return holding a calendar with the words ‘Girls meal out – Leonardos’.
“See?” you ask and jab a finger at the words.
“That? I thought that was referring to your nieces, not you, you never said.”
“Seriously? Come on, why would my nieces be going to Leonardo’s on their own?” you ask.
“You’ve just written that in when you were fetching the calendar. Look, the ink is still drying.”
You sigh in exasperation.
“I told you about it, it is in the calendar. I have not been out in weeks.”
“Well neither have I,” I comment.
“What? You were out last Friday,” you answer voice rising.
“That was with work.”
“It was still going out,” you reply.
“That is not the same. You know I have to schmooze clients, it is hardly pleasure. I have to do that for business reasons so I think you are being unfair by saying that is a night out for me.”
“Those clients you were out with are your friends, it was a right piss up.”
“Oh sorry, I forgot, you were there weren’t you, you know all about how I conduct my business don’t you?” I declare.
“No I don’t but they are your friends.”
“So I am not allowed to have clients who are friends now am I? Jesus, why don’t you just stop me from having any friends at all eh? Why not stop me going anywhere? You would like that wouldn’t you? Just having me stuck in here all the time.”
“What are you talking about, I let you do as you please.”
“No you don’t. You are determined to keep me on a leash. My friends take the piss out of me for how little time I get to spend with them.”
You halt your application of the lipstick.
“Who has said that?”
“Several people. Jim, Richard and John. They say I am under the thumb.”
“Huh, they have a cheek, Jim is completely under the thumb of Jessica.”
“No he’s not, but you just change the subject why don’t you. You should be staying in with me you never want to do that anymore.”
“Don’t be silly, I am with you most of the time. Look it is just an informal meal with a few of my friends, it is no big deal.”
“If it is not important then why do you have to go?”
“Because I want to,” you answer.
“Where are you going?”
“You know that Leonardo’s.”
“Really? Who with?”
“Jane, Sarah, Mary and Stephanie, oh and Carrie.”
“I don’t believe you, you have just made that up.”
“What? No I haven’t.”
“You are meeting a man aren’t you? Come on who is it?”
“No you are being stupid.”
“Don’t call me stupid. I am not the one going out and leaving their other half on their own,” I begin to shout and you jolt at the sudden change in volume.
“You are up to something, you have a different perfume on. Who is he?”
“Seriously, you are paranoid, I am meeting the girls.”
“No I am not, who do you think you are saying that to me, you are messing around. I know you are. You have been acting strangely the last few weeks. I know you are. Admit it,” I move towards you and stand over you barking into your face. You back away, eyes widening fearfully.
“I haven’t, honestly, I haven’t.”
“I should let you go anyway you whore, I don’t know why I bother with you. I was planning a pleasant evening in for us. I was going to cook you your favourite and I have a delicious bottle of Chablis chilling but as usual you are being selfish.”
“Please don’t shout at me, I am just going out with my friends, I am allowed to have some friends aren’t I?”
“Not those harpies, they have it in for me, I hate them. I hate you.”
“Oh please don’t be like that, look I will be back by ten at the latest so we can still have some time together,” you suggest.
“Is that supposed to make me feel pleased? Why would I want to spend time with you, you slut. I see, you want to have your way with him and then rub it in my face. You are such a bitch.”
You have backed away from my tirade, wincing with each bellowed sentence. This allows me to snatch up your clutch bag.
“You can’t go out with no keys and no money,” I say holding the bag aloft.
“Please I only want to see my friends, I rarely see them as it is, please give me my bag back, why are you being so horrible?”
“Because you are cheating on me. I am not having you spend our money on some other man.”
“There is no other man, how many times do I have to tell you? Please let me go.”
“No. You are not going. You are staying here with me.”
“I can’t cancel, not this late,” you say in dejection.
“Of course you can. He does not matter.”
“There is no he. It is the girls.”
“So you say. You are not going. If you do that it is me and you finished.”
“What, just because I want to see my friends?” You slump on to the bed, shoulders hunched and your head in your hands.
“You don’t need them, you have got me.”
“Why does it always have to be like this, every time I try and do something you do this,” you protest and your voice breaks with the first sob of frustration.
“No I don’t stop trying to blame me when you are at fault,” I growl.
“You always do this, make feel guilty or do something to stop me going out.”
“Rubbish, you are making things up again. You are just trying to make me feel bad for you. It won’t work you know that.”
You begin crying as I stand power surging through me.
“Here,” I order as I pull your phone from your bag and throw it down on the bed besides you, ” ring them and tell them you can’t make it, say you don’t feel well or something. I will pour the Chablis.”
Still sobbing you fumble for the phone and pick it up before dialling the number. I stand triumphant drinking deep of the fuel you have given me during this exchange. I have won the battle once again and this time I did not even have to escalate it like I did last time. I suppose that was just as well really seeing as how you had only just replaced those mirrors I smashed.
(The victim’s response is the provision of Pure Negative Fuel through crying, the potential wounding caused by going out has been averted and the Challenge Fuel given during the argument has given way to the Pure Negative Fuel because the narcissist has got his way and his perceived supremacy has been asserted once again – he has control).
12 thoughts on “Why The Narcissist Makes Your Going Out Such A Battle”
First line of Defence: denial/gas lighting.
Second Line of Defence, deflect and distract: lying, gas lighting, projection,
You know I have to schmooze clients, it is hardly pleasure. I have to do that for business reasons so I think you are being unfair by saying that is a night out for me.” (justification/compartmentalization, triangulation, projection, playing the victim)
Followed by more projection, gas lighting, isolation, blame shifting, smearing, pity plays, shouting and standing close (intimidation), threatening and bullying behavior, verbal abuse, split thinking, threats, labelling.
I will pour the Chablis (er, charm).
That poor woman!!!
I forgot these.
Hypocritical and contradictory behavior, salami slicing, lies, more triangulation and playing the victim.
Interesting how the whole conversation degenerated rapidly
She was called a whore, slut and a bitch
I would personally fear for my life
This type of behaviour and violence (previous smashed mirror) only escalates
Mr Bubbles and I go out independently of each other (day or night)
In fact, it’s healthy, we encourage it and support each other
True relationships are seeing the other person happy and wanting the best for one another
You build each other UP not tear them down
Your dissection was fabulous K …….it’s a wonder he didn’t throw the glass of Chablis in her face (ohhhhhh, that’s for next time)
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
That conversation went to hell real fast. There are so many manipulations that you can hardly keep up. It was brutal and our idea of a healthy relationship is quite different from the narcissist’s. Relationships in our world are based on support and freedom not control and manipulation. We are worlds apart in that respect.
Thank you Bubbles, ha ha ha…hopefully there won’t be a next time.
Luv K xoxox
I remember text conversations with the weasel that went haywire in a split nano second ….. I thought it was his PTSD
I dreaded hearing from him
Our dear old friend is the same !
Narcs …..they’re like fireworks, you never know what’s coming next and they always go off with a bang 💥 🤣
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Conversations go to hell so fast, it will make your head spin! And PTSD is a fabulous blame shift.
“Oh, that’s just The Weasel’s PTSD causing him to behave like that; it’s not his fault.”
Think: Excuses Equals Endangered.
On Sunday, I met a new narcissist and he ended up gas lighting his F.I.P. (hoover). We were discussing recipes for Shepard’s Pie. She challenged him regarding his statement about using sweet potato fries v mashed potatoes and he said: I never said sweet potato fries; you did (Volte Face). I caught it right away, however, I started to doubt what I had actually heard. Later on, I explained to her that he had gas lighted her (and me) so she can recognize it.
There’s never a dull moment in NarcLand!
Luv K xoxox
I’m sure if my relationship with the Narc was in-person more often, this is what it would be like. I have seen hints of this already.
I think his twist would be to triangulate if I went out and he didn’t want me to. I’d have to always worry he was with someone else or working on it.
The final evening I saw him last summer, as we walked through my hotel past the lounge, a well known musician (we both know somewhat, but more me) was sitting by himself, and since we were getting a drink anyway, I said let’s visit with **** a sec.
“No! I don’t want to. He’s a good looking guy. Dont u you think he’s a good looking guy? Would you do him? (Me: he’s married! Besides I dont have time because I’m w you)
“No I’m having you get to know him better. I’m walking you to your room now. You have to get up early, you need to go to sleep now…etc”
And we’re not really together. I’m sure it would be just as you wrote.
So many times my ex hubby lesser did that to me.
After all this time I still cannot for the life of me understand that scenario. I would grow a dick to fuck myself if that was the last man on Earth.
Haha. I heard that HG!
Almost forgot to tell you HG, I really like the artwork for this one. In fact all of your new designs look amazing! Your minion is doing an outstanding job HG, perhaps a step up in the matrix is in order since I’m pretty sure you don’t do raises! 🙃
A step up? He is spared a beating, that is ample reward!
God HG! That is a blast from the past almost word for word! As I was reading the battle which was going on between the two of them, I could feel my chest tighten, my heart beating faster, my stomach was in knots, I had my hand clenched in a fist so tight that my knuckles were white! Now perhaps I can read it again and look for the manipulations since I have worked through that trigger.