What Fuel Feels Like To A Narcissist

WHAT FUEL FEELS LIKE TO A NARCISSIST

 

When I look at you and see the delight cross your face as you spot me across the room, I feel the flame of attention ignite inside me as the first sensation of power booms into life. I have learned that your smile, the widening of your eyes and your hurrying towards me is indicative of delight and happiness on your part. I feed from this allowing my eyes to drink in the fuel that emanates from your expressions. When I gaze at you beneath me, writhing against me, mouth open and flush of sensual desire spreading across your chest, the flames burn fiercer as I watch with such attentiveness the flaring of your orgasm. I study your reaction to our coupling, noting the detail of the way you twist your head, the slight flare of your nostrils, the flailing limbs. I watch and I absorb, committing your reaction to my memory as I avail myself of the fuel that you are providing for me. When I stand and stare at you, that baleful glare piercing you from my darkened ink-like eyes, I am savouring your trembling stance, the fear that you are trying to hide cannot be hidden as you clutch at the arm of the chair to steady yourself, your eyes welling with tears. I stand and I stare,my stare generating your fearfulness and at the same time absorbing the fuel that flows from your frightened state.

When I hear you call my name, that upwards lilt in your voice, the light inflection which denotes that you are pleased to see me, I feel the fuel embracing the fire inside me, allowing the flames to burn a little brighter and stoking the engine that provides me with my sensation of power. I do not feel delight,I do not feel joy, I will replicate the way you look in order to make you think that I feel them, but as I hear your fuel-laden words as they break upon my ears, all that I feel is power. Power than I cause you to feel so elated when you call out to me from another room or speak down the telephone to me on repeated occasions throughout the day. When I hear your shouted insults, the waves of fuel wash against my ears, emotion-laden labels which do not perturb me, unless I choose to feign that I do, in order to provoke you further. I hear the sound of birdsong, I hear the sounds of a cheering crowd and I hear the first strains of a piece of music that appeals to me, yet none of those things comes to close to making me feel the way I do when you shout, cry, laugh, scream, moan and sigh because of me. Your words of praise move me through the gracing of power far more than the strings of a famous orchestra. Your words of scorn generate a far greater reaction for me than the roar of a crowd as my team scores the winning goal.

When I taste, I taste so much more than the food in my mouth or the drink I have just taken a swig of. You bought me that drink and imbued within that mug of coffee or glass of beer I can taste your interest, your appreciation and your affection. Your empathic print is on all that you say and do, your actions and words are embodied in the cake that you baked for me. I tell you the slice you have cut for me is delicious and of course it is, you are an excellent baker, but what I really taste is the care and attention you dedicated to me as you made that cake for me. Every meal you place before me may taste of different ingredients but the one which always tastes finest to me is the emotion that you have imbued it with. Whether it is a lovingly prepared three course dinner or a slammed down plate of spaghetti bolognaise, the emotion you imbue into those meals always tastes better than the meals themselves.

When I smell that delightful fragrance I feel once more the power rising inside me as I latch on to the fuel that you provide to me. Your action in putting on that scent which I have told you is my favourite goes far beyond the pleasant smell of jasmine or sandalwood. The fragrance tells me how you want me to be pleased by your wearing it, how you wish to smell attractive for me and thus I am empowered by your action as my nose senses the fragrance. The smell of freshly laundered clothing or bedding, that clean scent is imbued with you caring for me, attending to my washing and the housework and once again the smell of this act of kindness, of affection and of caring provides me with the fuel that I crave. Even when I tell you that I no longer like a certain perfume you wear, in order to provoke a reaction from you, when you wear it as an act of defiance, you provide me with yet more fuel from this act which is encapsulated in the scent. When you stand fuming, cigarette in hand, the smell of the smoke contains your anger, your irritation and it smells as sweet to me as a blossoming rose might to you.

When I hold your hand and I feel your pleasure in me taking your hand in mine, the fuel flows once again. As I feel your skin beneath my fingers, I know that the emotions that erupt as I do so will fuel me further. From my lips against your lips through to moving inside of you, I feel as anyone would, but I feel so much more because I feel your emotion through my touch and your touch upon me. The emptiness that consumes me acts with the power of a huge black hole which sucks all the emotion you exude into me. When I feel your touch upon me, the fuel flows once again and you allow the simmering flames to rise higher because of the light application of your fingers on the nape of my neck. The pressure of your arms about me as you hug me tightly signifies the deep-seated love and affection which you have for me. It powers through me, invigorating and awakening, providing me with the power that I need to keep on doing that which I must do.

The sting of your hand as it slaps my face, punishment for another of my transgressions as I sought out the touch of another outside our relationship, will hurt my face, I am after all human in the physical sense at least. The sting that you have left however is readily dwarfed by the surge of power I feel inside me at your emotion-filled violence towards me. Touch me, stroke me, hold me, strike me, push me and pull me, it all amounts to a connection between you and I that sends the fuel flowing from you to me. When I no longer tolerate the affectionate and intimate touches, I crave instead for the terrified grab of my arm or the defensive shove to keep me away from you. I may no longer want you to hold my hand, kiss me or place a delicate hand upon my brow, instead I will welcome the physical manifestation of your anger, your frustration and your fear.

Everything that you say and do will be absorbed through my senses, what I see in you, what I hear you say, what I taste, what I smell and what I feel from your touch, they all provide conduits for me to gather fuel. I am a vast machine which is sucking the emotion from you through all of my five senses in order to try to fill this immense emptiness inside me. You make my senses come alive, albeit it for one purpose and this happens in a way that causes the sensations you feel from the use of your senses to pale by comparison. You truly fill up my senses.

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47 Comments

  1. I haven’t been here much because my encounter with the Narc is over except for some annoying little indirect Hoover attempts it’s over for me but I do enjoy reading here from time to time. Even after it’s long over you still find yourself processing what happened.

    When I read this, my fahw away is the only thing the Narc cares about is that he matters. He needs to matter good or bad and that at one point in his life, he felt he didn’t matter so now he is hypervigilabr about muttering to the point that nothin and no one else matters.

    Do I have this right?

  2. I am a natural empath that was once entangled with a ‘greater’ narcissist. I’m starting to realize that I am becoming more and more like him in that I am starting to have the sadistic urges to manipulate and conquer other people. I am a natural truth seeker but I don’t feel the need to tell the truth anymore. Before I was consumed by a deep regression he said the purpose was to deconstruct me so I’d reconstruct. I don’t even know what that really means but somehow I feel like it is becoming true.

    It also feels like I am entangled with not just him but other narcissists that are out there, ones that I haven’t even interacted with. I can immediately sense their presence without even talking to them. I am attracted to them and I know they are attracted to me. I know they will make their move, I wait and think about how I would lure them in, make them feel like they are winning until I reveal it was pretense all along.

    why?

    1. 1. You may not be an empath, or
      2. You are an empath but your empathy has been eroded owing to an external agent, leaving your narcissistic traits exposed resulting in these feelings and behaviours.

      I cannot offer any explanation for the second paragraph beyond it being a product of emotional thinking. If you wish to discuss this in greater detail to enable you further understanding, I suggest you arrange a consultation.

      1. Why is that, HG? Why do you crave the manifestations of anger rather than adoration and love? I don’t understand why devaluation has to happen when your partner is worshipping the ground you walk on and believes you can do no wrong during the golden period. I thought that’s what a narcissist craves. Why not have an unending golden period? That way you both get what you need.

        1. Is an unending golden period really what we need?? I don’t know… maybe… I’m sure none of us have experienced it with a narc, normal
          Or empath… so it’s hard to say. But I think all humans enjoy certian aspects of push and pull dynamics.

          For me, arguing shows someone cares (whether that is true or not isn’t the point) it’s what I believe, I watched my mother fight endlessly with my dad for the better “good” of our family because she cared about all of us.

          So I realized in my relationship with the narc a part of me actually enjoyed the argument. In my mind if he was willing to engage with me
          This way it meant he “cared”. And the reason I reacted to his games was because I “cared”.

          I now understand that wasn’t really what was going on.

          Any relationship that is long term is going to see conflict. It’s impossible
          To avoid. There is no such thing as a
          Life long golden period for anyone..
          It’s a non existent fantasy. Don’t aim for that.

          The aim should be for
          Someone who can be supportive and communicative when problems arise… because they always will.

          1. But that’s why they enjoy and derive fuel from you arguing with them because it tells them they matter that is why they hard to be ignored because that means they don’t matter. The positive girl goes stale and as you become more comfortable in the relationship you provide less of it so they must devalue you

          2. So true.

            But no relationship can ever remain in the honeymoon phase.
            Not even a normal one.

          3. In s normal the honeymoon phase morphs into a deeper intimacy. That does not and cannot happen with a narc. It is impossible.

          4. Does it?

            I ask not to facetious. But simply because sadly it is not something I have ever experienced personally.

            I had a 15 year relationship with a normal that started when I was very young. I forced myself to stay in the relationship even though I felt no chemistry with him. As he Was emotionally distant. Our relationship felt more like a business transaction… and I’m sure I’m not alone in that feeling though many would not like to admit it. I was releaved when he ended it As it had been over for me for years.

            Then in the midst of dealing with that along came the narc… no explation about not having deep intimacy needed there.

            I watch people and I often find people become complacent. Terrified to move on from marriage due to their core values (which I get I would had never ended my long term relationship cause of mine either). Also the more the years go on the more you have tied together… friendships, money, house, children etc etc. And people just seem to get settled in that not really questioning it… or challenging themselves to think beyond it (nothing wrong with that just an observation)

            I have experienced close bonds in non intimate relationships … but as HG says attachment is the seat of misery. The only one that not even death could separate is the one I have with my mother.

            I would love to hear about this deep bond more…. what it feels and looks like. If it is real. If anyone has any stories to tell please! Please tell! And help heal this negative broken heart of mine ❤️

          5. The GP never felt 100% right. Too fast, too bright, too high. Spent some of those golden days looking over my shoulder. But who would complain?

  3. “You may loathe me, you may love me, but I think you will lose something of that icy indifference.” – Georgette Heyer, “The Black Moth”

  4. Such a beautiful written and painfully accurate article. Now it makes complete sense for me why my ex looked like addicted to me during the golden periods – always complemented my cooking , my scent – to the point that I would wake up in the middle of the night from a strange pain in my shoulder , only to discover that he sleeps soundly and his head is resting in my armpit or at my neck .
    And during the devaluations – no physical contact” don’t touch me, don’t hug me, etc” , the cruel and nasty words and the delight in his eyes when I am upset , tearful or angry.
    Sometimes challenging me to the point to hit or kick him although I never did it. Still remember the sarcastic smile, the squinted eyes and the venom pouring from his mouth.
    The sadistic pleasure to put me down for his own gratification.
    After the divorce I vowed to myself never being again in a relationship with someone who adores me today and loathes me tomorrow . No matter how sweet the golden period could be.

  5. Excellent and true.

    He would always notice every detail of me as if he could zoom in on the slightest detail, the curl in the corner of my smile, or as if he could scan my face or figure to see it later, and breathing in my scent in a deep intake as if he could keep it inside him.

  6. Could empath learn to mannage unnecesary emotions being intentionally in a relationship with a narcissist and grow some of the useful traits to become better self?

    1. You can manage your emotional thinking but you will not do so with any degree of success if you remain in a relationship with a narcissist.

      1. Good true reminder not to have these relationships HG. (Managing emotional thinking requires the abstinence of relationships with narcissists you nearly implore)
        “Just one round..” Oops what harm is another, the first was ok.? Then another. Then splat on the windshield.

          1. Yes thank you—I mean, really, I don’t even get to choose what bug I am that goes splat. It’s not fair.

  7. Dear HG,

    How’ve you been ?

    I haven’t been following your blog active for months . Because I started to obsess with narcissism off course how I’am a person with a BPD side I would . And I did move my attention to another “ attention source “ Isolated me from anything else .

    I’m not writing you to talk about that . But ask if you have any knowledge of what I’am thinking ; so in my romantic relationships I seem to act like a narcissist . But with other people not up close or even my bestfriend for over 26 years I can act like a “ normal person “ with boundaries no fear of abandonment or idealise this person .

    I can find someones Wallet and make sure this person will get it back . So I know I have empathy.

    But with this Indivudial who cared about me
    started to love me , I couldn’t love that person back I thought I did but I loved the attention . So I obvsiously destroyed it because the attention became low and he told me he loved me so I had to push all his buttons until he counld’t take it anymore because I was so scared he would come and meet me in person and would get bored because I really just showed him everything he liked 😂.

    Is it possible to consult with you about narcissitic traits in BPD and what type of Empath I could be ?

    1. Hello DoForLuv, good to see you here once again. I can address these questions for you and discuss the situation with you to assist you through audio consultation. I would recommend you undertake an Empath Detector Consultation first https://narcsite.com/empath-detector/ and arrange an audio consultation to take place thereafter for further discussion and understanding.

  8. So a narcissist doesn’t have emotion so they need other peoples’ emotional reaction to them (fuel).

    I can’t understand narcissism after years of obsession. I will keep trying to understand it.

      1. Is that why they want emotional reaction from other people? (Because the narcissist has a limited range of emotion)

          1. Validates existence!?

            Now I understand why being ignored is so hard on them. I cannot even imagine what that would be like.

          2. Desiree,

            Yep. One time when my narc was berating me, I decided I’d had enough and wasn’t going to stand there and listen to his nonsense any longer, so I turned around and walked off while he was still bellowing. Omg I thought I’d seen him angry before! Apparently not!! I actually got scared in that moment He was totally unhinged. I was afraid of what he was about to do. That night I learned a very important lesson: Never, ever walk away when ***** is talking. Period. And to this day, I haven’t, nor will I in the future. Thanks to HG’s answer, at least I now understand exactly why walking away that night triggered a level of anger and ferocity in him I’d never seen before Jesus that was terrifying! 😱😧😳

          3. Dear Mr Tudor,
            My mum didn’t “validate my existence” for over 20 years
            It hurts!
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          4. I’m sorry Bubbles look at what a beautiful person you are and how you treat people so kindly. Was your mum jealous of her own daughter? If so that is evil and selfish.

          5. Dear Whitney,
            Aw, thank you lovely one for your comment, you’re so sweet ☺️
            I do believe “jealousy” played a huge role
            Mum selfish? ….absolutely, to the core
            She put me in harms way and didn’t protect me from the physical, sexual and mental abuse ….. I guess that could be considered evil
            I never stopped sending my mum cards over the twenty years … even though she never replied
            The hurt has ceased, however the scars will always remain
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      2. The lesser told me that very thing HG. He had awareness. He said I have emotions just not as wide of a range as you do Lori. “When I see someone crying, I have no idea what to say to them. I do not know how to provide any comfort to them”

    1. So interesting about the scent. The breathing me in every time when he’d first see me, stands out because it wasn’t something that happened with others.

  9. Pingback: What Fuel Feels Like To A Narcissist ⋆ NarcTopia

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