Pointless Platitudes

POINTLESS PLATITUDES

You will have seen the Pointless Platitudes. They are invariably plastered over somebody’s social media feed and keep popping up in your own. There will be some dreamy picture, some gaudy sparkling image which is meant to  conjure up a belonging to some ethereal, higher plane and alongside this meaningless image comes the meaningless words.

Useless. Unhelpful. Dangerous.

Not only do these Pointless Platitudes invariably irritate you with the vapid sentimentality they pose a greater problem. They are often written with regard to love and relationships and as you all know, where love and relationships exist, then so do our kind.

These amorphous comments serve only to provide people with false hope and misunderstanding. They cover up what is really going on and keep people stuck believing that if they only “follow their heart” everything will work out. No. It will not.

These Pointless Platitudes mask the reality of what is happening to hundreds of millions of peoples around the world who are caught in our grasp. They euphemism, they dilute and obscure the actuality of ensnarement with a narcissist.

It goes further however. It is the peddling of such tripe which means that the dangerous behaviours are ascribed to something else, something regarded as far less problematic which can apparently be overcome with some trite comment, a liberal application of hope and some glitter. This means that the people who need to understand, the people who need enlightenment and who need to reduce the fog of emotional thinking are completely misled.

These Pointless Platitudes need to be shattered and who better than me to take them apart. I want you to provide me with the examples of these Pointless Platitudes (and feel free to explain what really gets your goat about them) so that I can select the most misleading, the ones used the most often and the most dangerous ones to ensure they are picked apart so this information can be then used to reach new shores.

So, over to you good readers. Provide your examples in the comments and let’s shatter the Pointless Platitudes and inject some cold, hard logic into the world.

 

242 thoughts on “Pointless Platitudes

  1. KellyD says:

    Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.

  2. WiserNow says:

    Thinking about platitudes in general, there were some that really had me hooked into believing them for years, such as:

    “Love conquers all”. I really believed this and thought it was true. If you truly love someone, you accept them the way they are. If the caregivers of all babies truly believed in this and lived by it, perhaps there would be no narcissists.

    “Be the better person”, that is, rise above the harmful behaviour of others and learn from it.

    “Never give up.” Even at some emotionally terrible times, I didn’t give up and kept looking for answers, which eventually lead me to find out about narcissism and HG’s blog.

    I think there is a small grain of truth in many of these platitudes BUT you need to be open-minded and see them from a number of different perspectives without believing in them religiously. The hopeful meanings or messages are lost or dangerous when the people you’re dealing with are narcissists.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Many of these platitudes mislead people so they continue with a situation when they ought not to.

      1. WiserNow says:

        I totally agree HG. They can be totally misleading and even dangerous if you believe in them wholeheartedly without questioning them or using logic. Many of them are just one sentence or a cliche or quote. Plus they’re dogmatic about something that can’t be proven as fact, so they can’t be relied on.

        I think there is a reason why they tend to be popular though. Maybe they offer hope or comfort to those who are struggling emotionally. A bit like being offered a cup of tea at a traumatic time. It’s a source of comfort that soothes ragged nerves.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          More like being offered a poisoned chalice.

          1. WiserNow says:

            That may depend on whether or not it’s a narcissist doing the offering… 😉

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Not so. If you feel you have to believe that Love Conquers All, you are involved with a narcissist. If you are not, you do not have to adopt that meaningless phrase.

          3. WiserNow says:

            You are correct HG. I did feel that I “had” to believe that phrase, and for many years it was a mantra or affirmation I used. I can remember the exact time when I started to use it as a mantra. At a point in my early 20s, I cognitively considered all the things that constituted ‘love’ in my mind and thought that if I diligently practiced these things, I would succeed in being treated well by other people. This mindset was the result of having a Matrinarc and several narc relationships. I blamed myself for the narc treatment and thought that things would improve if I “tried harder” to be more loving.

            Looking back, I was a narc magnet, however, I didn’t realise it or even know what a narcissist was.

            There is some kind of romantic streak in me that would “like” to believe that “Love conquers all”, even though I am logical enough to see that it’s unrealistic.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            That is your Love Devotee trait, WN.

          5. Cat b says:

            Plus it’s very double binding. The victim hears phrases like
            “Love conquers all”

            and afterwards the same people go

            “Why did you stay with him for so long if he bullied you?”

          6. HG Tudor says:

            Valid point.

          7. WiserNow says:

            Cat b,

            Yes, that kind of shallow thinking and knee-jerk judgement is very prevalent in people generally. Those who say those sorts of things don’t (or can’t) contemplate the situation at a deeper level.

            I also think that with many narcissists (mid-rangers and greaters), it is not obvious that they’re bullies or that they are even manipulating. They are much more subtle and ambivalent than that and there is intermittent love-bombing that’s also subtle. It’s a cycle that uses salami slicing manipulation and it’s difficult to detect and easy to rationalise. It’s the metaphor of the frog being in water that is slowly being heated until it reaches boiling point, but the frog doesn’t notice the change in temperature.

            When you have been conditioned and accustomed to this cycle of love-bombing and then subtle manipulation, it doesn’t feel like outrightly “being bullied”. It’s not that obvious.

            But people who make flippant judgements like, “why did you stay with him so long if he bullied you?” don’t actually understand the psychological effects of the subtle cycles and progressive control.

    2. WhoCares says:

      WiserNow,

      I remember, towards the brutal end, when I could barely tolerate any interactions with my narcissist – and I just needed to hold it together to be there for my son, I would whisper to myself “Find the love, find the love…” While that may have helped to give me some internal peace and focus – it did nothing, of course, to improve things in the relationship. I know that you *know* that, but I’m just saying it for other readers out there.
      But it did help me to realize that there was no shred of hope left…and that no matter what my internal state was, his words (and actions) were no less vicious. And then I knew that the only hope lay in me and my son exiting that situation.

      1. WiserNow says:

        That’s a very good point WhoCares. When I said in one of my previous comments that these platitudes or cliches can be a source of hope or comfort, this is what I meant.

        When you are in a situation that is emotionally stressful and you feel like you need to “hold it together”, these platitudes can be a way to gain some kind of control over your own emotions. If only to give you words to use as inner self-talk or a way to self-soothe or to grasp onto a short and easy to remember saying you can believe in. When you feel like you can’t get out of the emotional sea, these platitudes give you some kind of flotation device.

        The instinct to leave the situation, or get out of the emotional sea, doesn’t come until you feel you have no better option. Until then, there is still hope in your mind that the narcissist can change or that you have the ability to make the situation change.

        When you are out of the emotional sea, you can see them for what they are, pointless platitudes. When they’re not needed, they are no longer flotation devices. With logic, they can then be pierced with a pin like balloons.

        Like you say, when you realise that the narcissist will not change, no matter what your internal state is, then you see that the only way to save yourself is to exit the situation.

        1. WhoCares says:

          WiserNow,

          You have a lovely way of seeing someone’s point, making the connections and then summing that all up in your response that leaves one thinking: “Yes, exactly what you said! Couldn’t have been said better.”
          I love that about you.

          To the ’emotional sea’ I would only add another analogy, simply because, at one point back then, it visually flashed into my mind. Around the same time I could see how everything, absolutely, everything – our relationship, our situation – was on a downward slide…not unlike a massive mudslide. And in the mudslide, a tiny tree root (platitude) might hold you for a span of time but that soon the entire tree was to be uprooted – and you along with it. So, better to jump entirely out of the path of that mudslide.

          1. WiserNow says:

            Thank you very much WhoCares, that’s very kind of you 🙂 xx Sometimes I think I’m just rambling on and on, even though no-one’s interested. It’s lovely of you to say that you find my views interesting. I enjoy reading your comments too and everyone else’s. I always leave the blog with plenty of ideas and thoughts to contemplate. That’s what I love about being here.

            Yes, that’s a great way to visualise it too. Platitudes are a way to hold on, even if only for a while, until our minds can move to more solid ground.

          2. WhoCares says:

            WiserNow,

            No rambling that I’m aware of…although I don’t follow the blog consistently lately; when I’m able to I do enjoy reading your comments – even if I don’t respond.
            And I’m in total agreement with the blog giving one “plenty of ideas and thoughts to contemplate”.

  3. WiserNow says:

    All these comments are great. This is an enjoyable post.

    One platitude that never fails to make me feel negative is: “Be more positive.” To me, you may as well say, “be more fake and blind and just bury your head in the sand while you’re at it”.

    Another one that I don’t believe anymore is: “Kindness is free. Sprinkle that shit everywhere”. Umm, no. Kindness has value and should be given with discernment, and you deserve your own kindness as much as anyone else does.

    1. WhoCares says:

      “Kindness is free.” Omg, I hate that one.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Not at the House of Narcissist its not, it has a high price.

        1. WhoCares says:

          No joke there.

  4. kel2day says:

    I feel like Richard Harris in Camelot trying to make the right decisions, staring at a pond to envision this decision scenario against the other decision. Why is it so easy for narcissists to make decisions? Maybe because they know they can’t fail or regret anything, and also because they’re ruthless to make things work.

    I see what my boss is lining up for himself, after being let go but not discarded, he’s eyeing taking over a branch, getting that manager to retire, taking a lot of talented people from our office with him to the other branch. He’s landing on his feet, powerful as ever.

    Logical thinking. Not having a victim mentality. Lining things up strategically so that you can’t fail. He always told me I should be like him. In some ways I should.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Kel2day

      That’s why so many of them are successful (by standard of Society anyway). They don’t ruminate on failure, they focus on the next conquest that will support and display their superiority. It’s also a very good skill for an empath to use logic to see what he might have planned (as you have, and now that you know what he is) to best plan and protect yourself in your job. In my workplace we once got rid of a problem (and people made their opinions about him known on the way out) only to have him get picked up by another Sector that we eventually took over and we got him back. He remembered.

      1. kel2day says:

        It’s so laughable but I think we have to heal by being less empathetic and more narcissistic.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No, you go no contact, reduce emotional thinking and ensure you learn the red flags and abide by them so you don’t get caught by new narcissists.

          1. Taryn says:

            How does one reduce emotional thinking? The emotions are a constant pervasive presence that force my brain to remain focused, involuntarily fixated on the things I want to forget forever. It’s impossible! 😭 So much guilt for the boneheaded choices I made. Maybe this is my Karma/punishment for being a total twatwaffle and complete dumbfuck and allowing myself to fall for *****’s lies. I destroyed my entire life with that choice. I normally wouldn’t have allowed myself to go down that path, but at the time I wasn’t right in the head. My Dad had died just a few months before we met. My Dad was my rock, mentor, confidante, source of wisdom, closest friend, my whole world (along with my 3 kids). When I lost him, I felt like a lost little girl. I just didn’t care anymore. About anything. Not even my own life, which led to me acting out in unhealthy and dangerous ways. I literally lost my damn mind and fell apart. I reveal my battle with severe complicated grief to provide context, not to excuse myself for making poor choices. The fact that I was seriously screwed up was only one factor that played a part in me creating this dumpster fire that I’m trying to extinguish so I can rebuild and if I’m lucky actually enjoy the second half of my life. But that’s not going to happen if I don’t find a way to stop being controlled by my emotions. 😣

          2. HG Tudor says:

            You arrange a GOSO consultation with me and I will enable you to do this.

          3. WhoCares says:

            Taryn,

            I read your story; I’m sorry you’ve gone through that and found yourself here. I hope you keep reading and consult with HG – both will certainly help you work through your emotional thinking.

            “It’s impossible! So much guilt for the boneheaded choices I made. Maybe this is my Karma/punishment.”

            Do not let the guilt eat you up! You were simply a caring, empathic individual who was likely targeted at a very vulnerable time. I’m sorry for the loss of your Dad.

          4. kel2day says:

            There’s unhealthy empathy that comes from narcissistic abuse that causes us to habitually worry, regret, and obsess over things that don’t matter. Narcissists screw us up so badly. Your kind could never handle the amount of abuse that they dollop on us, that we’ve gotten in the habit of processing on a daily basis. It becomes automatic thinking, and we need to reprogram ourselves to think healthy. Healthy narcissism means not being pathologically emotional, not regretting, not ruminating, focusing on accomplishing something and not dwelling on the moment that just passed.

  5. KellyD says:

    Let go or be dragged.

  6. Bubbles 🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor
    “They rode of into the sunset ”
    “And they all lived happily ever after”
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  7. lisk says:

    “Find someone who pays attention. Who runs their fingers over your every scar; and asks where each one came from. Find someone who knows how you like your coffee; what song makes you want to roll the windows down and slam on the gas pedal. Find someone who takes in your smallest details; who notices the things you thought no one ever would.

    And then…when you find them…

    Be their someone, too.”

    Essentially, find a narcissist!

    (Seen on Pinterest)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Precisely.

    2. WhoCares says:

      lisk,

      On Pinterest you say?
      I read that now and it’s so see-through, it’s sickening.

  8. Cat b says:

    “You can’t change other ppl’s behaviour,
    but you can change your own.”

    We fail to listen to this one.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed Cat B, that is entirely accurate.

      “You cannot change the behaviour of a narcissist, but you can change your own so you need not be concerned about the behaviour of the narcissist.”

      1. lisk says:

        That’s quite awesome—printing it out and onto the mirror it goes.

  9. Parisgirl says:

    How about….
    “Do what makes you happy, be with who makes you smile, laugh as much as you breathe, love as long as you live.”
    “Love the one your with.”
    Both of them posted on facebook by IPSS of my ex Narc! 🤣🤦‍♀️😱😬

  10. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

    My personal Bete Noire: Winners Never Quit.

  11. Cat b says:

    Leonard Cohen has one which narcs and high brow politicians love to quote.

    “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in”

    Nope, sorry, that’s where the scammers get in. At the wounds.

    1. Stella SHELF Unmaskers says:

      Cat b infact my narc loves Leonard Cohen…

  12. AR says:

    “Listen to your heart”

    “If you have abandonment issues your twin flame will abandon you so you could heal. Isn’t that amazing?!”( it was amazing indeed)

    “Forgiveness is the key.”

    “Everything happens for a reason. Trust the universe.”

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Don’t get me started on Twin Flames

      1. blackunicorn123 says:

        HG, I was just about to say the exact same thing. I could feel my eyes rolling back!!! Lol!!

      2. AR says:

        I used to watch about twin flames before i found your work to gain some understanding. I knew nothing about soulmates and twin flames. It was a long time ago since i watched her video where she said that.

  13. WAF Tudorita says:

    I’ve been ignoring the drivel so long I can’t think of any offhand except the “if you love them, let them go, if they come back..” which has been offered here so many times I’m now convinced it was first spoken by a narc

  14. WAF Tudorita says:

    HG- is physical violence pretty much a guarantee in the relationship w a Lesser?
    Thank you

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Not a guarantee as it depends on who h type of relationship you are referring to.

  15. Mercy says:

    “Wish it true”

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Arrrrggghhh!

      1. Mercy says:

        My thoughts exactly HG

  16. Shelf Fuel says:

    Here are some directly off my social media that I have posted over the years….

    “When people treat you like they don’t care….believe them”

    “One man’s annoying female is another man’s ‘damn baby where you been all my life’…remember that”

    “Your worst battle is what you know vs. what you feel”

    “You are overthinking about someone who is not thinking about you. Go to sleep”

    “There is a new STD called ‘feelings’. Don’t catch that shit!”

    “I could start fires with what I feel for you”

    “One of the cruelest things a man can do is to awaken a woman’s love without the intention of truly loving her”

    “You’ve become so damaged that when someone tries to give you what you deserve you have no fucking idea how to respond”

    “You can’t keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you’re still in hell”

    “Don’t give people so much power over you that their silence leaves you questioning your worth”

    “Whoever doesn’t look for you doesn’t miss you and whoever doesn’t miss you doesn’t care for you”

    “Telling someone to let go is speaking to them in a language that they do not understand. Some of us can never let go”

    “With all my heart all I wish is to touch you, kiss you, hold you, caress you, smell you, taste you, feel you, love you. But all I can do is sit here chained to your memory. And dream”

    “Some people bring out the best in you and others bring out the worst. And then there are those addictive ones that bring out the most of….everything. And they make you feel so alive that you will follow them straight into hell to keep getting your fix…”

    Lather. Rinse. Maim.
    Set the piano on fire.

  17. cogra002 says:

    I see them all the time, as well , and now hard pressed to recall them. Good list above, though.
    Here is one I see:

    “Someone out there is looking for someone exactly like you ”

    In my case, it is undoubtedly another Narc trolling me. It’s never been any but.
    👁👁

  18. EmP says:

    “Think about how much worse other people have it”

    “Just don’t think about it”

    “Be more positive”

    “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

    “We all have to do things we don’t want to do”

    “Everything will work out in the end”

    “Love moves mountains”

    “But they’re family”

    “Forgive and forget”

    “It’s all part of God’s pan”

    I could go on and on………….

    1. E. B. says:

      EmP,
      Yes, all of them.

  19. FYC says:

    “The most difficult people to love are the ones that need it the most”, followed by “just try harder” or “be more accepting” or “just give more”

    “It will get better, just wait and see”

    “Time heals all wounds”

    “Turn the other cheek”

    “When it feels right you’ll know s/he is the ‘one'”

    “The more you give the more you receive”

    “What you give will return to you ten fold”

    “I’m sure s/he didn’t mean it”

    “It didn’t mean anything”

    “Everything gets better with time”

    “Never give up. Love always finds a way.”

    “If you give up on someone, you’ll miss out on something great.”

    “You have to go along to get along”

    “Love concours all” and “Love overcomes everything”

    “All you need is love”

    “S/he will change”

    “Forgive and forget”

    “There is a soulmate/twin flame for everyone”

    “Give it more time, s/he will come around”

    “Love hurts” — Accurate with Ns, but not true with healthy love.

    “S/he is just jealous because they love you”

    “Overlook conflict, love means letting them win”

    “Be your best self and s/he will come around”

    “Just put yourself out there and love will find you”

    “We accept the love we think we deserve”

    “S/he is only picking on your because s/he likes you”

    “Everyone deserves a second chance”

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Platitude Plethora, FYC.

      1. FYC says:

        Plethora indeed, HG. Sad truth is, I could go on for days…

    2. MB says:

      The overachiever of HGTU 😂 Love you FYC! A++

      1. FYC says:

        Lol, MB! Love you back. There are so many more platitudes it might take a catalog!

    3. NarcAngel says:

      FYC

      Quite a vomit list haha.

      1. FYC says:

        Endless dump of vomit perpetuated through the ages, NA. I also agree with your wise comment on relationships being hard work. WTF? Disagreements sure, but if you don’t have each other’s back and have a decent connection, what would be the point? Thanks for keeping it real.

    4. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

      FYC: Lots of good ones, especially when some are not explained correctly, understood correctly or qualified correctly, but applied across the board with no discrimination regarding person and place and time and circumstance, etc.

      1. FYC says:

        Thanks PSE, Any of these when offered up regarding a relationship with a narcissist is nothing but trouble.

    5. E. B. says:

      Excellent list, FYC!

      1. FYC says:

        Thank you, E.B.

  20. Wendy Rogers says:

    One of my greatest wishes is that the people who desperately need help, the people who need to understand, are not totally misled, as I was, by well meaning people who are ill equipped to treat someone that has been psychologically abused, that they are able to get the help that they need and are not made worse by individuals who think they are helping.

    Two such words that were said to me by a counsellor when I was at my lowest point were:- “send love”. Needless to say, this did nothing to help me and made me feel worse, and therefore deemed to be useless, unhelpful and dangerous.

    Another useless saying:- “time is a healer” – time heals nothing unless things change.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Good points.

      You were in effect being told to pour fuel on the fire. Dangerous.

      1. cogra002 says:

        I think you need to establish Tudor House, where victims can recover, and get coaching, withdraw from Narc heroin, etc

    2. kel2day says:

      They should have said, Let Go.
      Frozen: Let it go 🎶 – running through our minds.

      ‘Send love’: If we’re going to love others like ourselves, then we’ve got to love ourselves first. If we’re falling for a narcissist, then there’s something questionable about whether we love ourselves or just others.

    3. Lorelei says:

      Counselors are nine times out of ten a joke.

  21. JustMr says:

    Unhelpful… Tammy Wynette’s “Stand By Your Man”
    Useless… “Everything For a reason.”
    Dangerous… “To love, honor, and cherish till death do us part.”

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well stated.

    2. cogra002 says:

      The amount of songs purporting to stay is staggering. Go back in country music. So many! Dolly Parton- I Will Always Love You…written for a Narc she was escaping.
      Several from Johnny Cash and June Carter, the quintessential Narc/codependent relationship.
      I could go on, but yes, “love music” brainwashed us. I’m classically trained, so less brainwashed, but still…..opera….💔

  22. Deneene says:

    “You can love a Monster, he can even love you back, but you cant change its nature” I loved the Monster, and I WANTED to believe he could love me back. They cant love back. They only consume and then discard.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No discard.

      1. Stella SHELF Unmaskers says:

        My narc discarded…or he simply left me forever on the shelf

  23. KellyD says:

    “If you love someone, set him free. If he keeps trying to hoover you back, he’s a Narcissist”

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Wise words

    2. kel2day says:

      I like this one too in the same vein:

      If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it’s a duck.

      But if it walks like a duck and talks like a swan, it’s a narcissist!

      1. cogra002 says:

        😂😂😂

      2. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

        kel2day. And this one I do like : If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck and looks like a duck, it`as a narcissist, because he found out you like ducks.

    3. cogra002 says:

      😂😂😂 So totally true!!!
      Once you set them free they wont go!!!

  24. Pingback: Pointless Platitudes ⋆ NarcTopia
  25. misstasia says:

    Here you go H.G.

    “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
    ― Robert A. Heinlein

    “You don’t love someone because they’re perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they’re not.”
    ― Jodi Picoult

    “If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything.”
    ― Marilyn Monroe

    “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
    ― Lao Tzu

    “As he read, I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.”
    ― John Green

    “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”
    ― Dr. Seuss

    “You always gain by giving love”
    _ Reese Witherspoon

    ” I love her, and that’s the beginning and end for everything”
    _F. Scott Fitzgerald

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Boom!

    2. misstasia says:

      I can see now how each and every one of them can be used for manipulation of your mind and emotion. Loe your teachings H.G.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        You’re welcome

    3. kel2day says:

      Some of those ring true though.

      You love someone despite their imperfections definitely.

      Marilyn made a real point, which I’ve often said too. Women love men who can make them laugh. We’re suckers for it.

      I love Fitzgerald, but that’s definitely something a narcissist would say and feel in the Golden stages. Mine exclaimed early on that ‘he lives for it’ (interacting with me).

  26. Cat b says:

    Umderstatements,
    don’t get me started. I get itchy.

    Dating coaches make those a lot, they know it’s not good for their business if you go no contact with the guy.

    “If he cheats on you and lies every day, then you might … want to have a straight talk with him”

    And … “Black lives matter!” (must have been a narcissist making up such a fairy pee understatement!)

    Wtaf? Black lives are equal to white lives!
    Of course!
    Dammit!

    1. MommyPino says:

      Haha Cat b, “you might want to have a straight talk with him” OMG I have no words! 😂

      And yes, everyone’s lives matter indeed! My Filipino friend had a meme while the BLM movement was big in the news, “Filipino lives matter too because, who’s gonna make the lumpia?” Residual benefits matter!!

      1. Cat b says:

        Absolutely MP 😙

        (Just to be sure: what I was driving at was that Black lives Matter sounds very little. They don’t just “matter” more than nothing. They matter very MUCH! As much as other ppl matter)

        1. MommyPino says:

          Hi Cat b, absolutely! Their lives matter every bit as much as everyone else’s. I just wish that we live in The world where things like that do not need to be stated because it’s a given.

        2. MommyPino says:

          But I agree with your sentiment about the ‘phrase’ itself. I totally agree with what you are saying.

          This is my personal thought on the Black Lives Matter, I think that the phrase was made to spread awareness by eliciting provocation. But if you’re a wife of a narcissist and you tell your husband in a provocative way ‘wives matter!’ how effective is that? I just think that actions are always more effective than words and there are more effective ways in bringing the black community up and it should be done in a way where everybody are welcome to be a part of it and no in a divisive way. Just my two cents.

          1. Cat b says:

            Ah, get it MommyPino. Wise words.

            Yeah I guess us who have been around backhanded compliment smiling assasin abusers get a little more edgy or sensitive than others sometimes at things that remind us of clichés narcs often used towards us.

          2. MommyPino says:

            So true Cat b. The smiling assassins sometimes have a very talented way of making the most benign statements into a weapon against us so sometimes we can have certain perceptions on things or statements because of the experience from the smiling assassins. I really like the smiling assassin article here too. My narcs are mostly Mid Rangers so I dealt with that a lot where a seemingly benign comment made me think 🤔 and then I realized that I was just attacked. 😳. So now I just try to observe a person and if I see too many red flags I stay away or will not take anything for them to heart but if they seem normal I will just control myself from being suspicious or give the benefit of the doubt because even well meaning people can misspeak or be unaware that something they said was a trigger to you.

    2. Mercy says:

      I always thought of the “black lives matter” movement as a way to bring awareness to a very serious issue happening in our country. Not pointless at all.

      1. Cat b says:

        It’s not pointless.

        But it’s not enough.

  27. Kathleen says:

    “ all relationships are hard work “
    “ til death do us part”
    “ no pain no gain”
    “ men are from mars women are from venus”
    “ love will find a way”
    ** sprinkle glitter over these**. Your comment about glitter making everything ok- made me laugh out loud-

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Some toppers in there

    2. NarcAngel says:

      Kathleen raises a good one that people seem to universally accept and it’s complete nonsense. “Relationships are hard work”. Bad ones are but who is looking for an added job?

      I hear that repeatedly and it makes me want to scream.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        My relationships are never hard work.
        For me anyway.

        A healthy relationship however is not hard because of the individuals in it. Problems may arise from external pressures but not owing to the individuals in it.

        1. FoolMe1Time says:

          How do you know HG, how many healthy relationships have you been in?

          1. HG Tudor says:

            All of mine are healthy. For me.

          2. FoolMe1Time says:

            Of course they are healthy for you, and you are all that matters! Lol

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Ah you’ve noticed, at last!!

          4. FoolMe1Time says:

            Hahaha! Yes it takes me awhile!! It has only taken me four years!

          5. HG Tudor says:

            I know because of what I’ve observed and learned from others.

          6. FoolMe1Time says:

            I was teasing you HG! Your relationships probably have been much more healthy then mine!

        2. Twisted Heart says:

          HG,
          It’s nice to hear your thoughts on what a healthy relationship should look like but I think they are very very rare.
          This makes me curious of your master plan. Are you trying to stop procreation of the human race?😂 Everyone believes in these platitudes. Men & women, narcs & empaths. It feels like we’ve all had it wrong for so long. What is the right way?
          I’m all for going solo for the rest of my life, I’m kind of loving it actually but I’m glad I had my kiddos first.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Actually, healthy relationships outnumber disordered ones, but how many people do you know who talk about how straight forward their relationship is. Yes, they might raise the odd grumble, but that does not make a relationship unhealthy. One of the key factors which I address when I am consulting with people is to explain that disagreements occur in healthy relationships, why, what they look like and how they are addressed and then provide by reference to scenarios

            1. A disagreement between two healthy people and what happens.
            2. A disagreement where the husband is the narcissist and the wife is not.
            3. As per 2, but vice versa.
            4. Where both parties are narcissists.

            I highlight the considerable differences but also explain why people get conned into thinking that discord etc is part and parcel of a relationship when actually it is not. I am not saying relationships are all rainbows and unicorns, of course not, but the healthy ones does not include the behaviour that accords with us. If those behaviours exist on a repeated basis – narcissist.

          2. MommyPino says:

            Hi HG and Twisted Heart,

            HG’s article ‘Why is Divorce So Hard’ explains very well the difference in the dynamics of a normal marriage and one where there is a narc. Personally I think that the degree of power struggle is the key to identifying what is normal and what is not. Narcissists develop their narcissism because of their lack of control environment and they will do whatever it takes to never go back to that feeling again and if they need to act in a very destructive way to assert control they will. People without NPD are not like that.

            For example, before I found Narcsite, my husband’s story about his divorce proceeding with his first wife never made sense to me until I have read the things that HG said about their need to assert control. My husband was winning the custody battle of their kids because investigations show that the mother does not take care of the kids when they are with him. She was losing so all of a sudden she told the judge, “I think that I saw him sexually molesting our daughters.” It completely shocked my husband and he said that he was furious about the lie and at the same time scared that the judge will believe her. He said that in addition, if that lie gets spread, it could have also affected his practice where no one would want to be his patient anymore. Thankfully the judge was able to tell that it was a lie and told the mother that if she goes down that path the judge will make sure that the mother will never see her daughters again and the mother never uttered the lie again. I was thinking, if that lie destroyed his practice then wouldn’t his alimony to her also be affected? So even for a very selfish person such as her, I thought that it didn’t make sense. But HG explained how the narcissists’ need to assert control is paramount and that is what my husband’s ex wife did in the courtroom without thinking of the long term effects of that lie. I personally think that his first wife is a narcissist not just because of that but also because of the many behaviors that she does. But I am just amazed at how HG is able to simplify every other is so confusing by getting down to the very core of it.

          3. Twisted Heart says:

            Thanks so much HG! I guess I have a tendency to be drawn to the more disordered relationships so that seems like the norm for me.

            I’m assuming that you apply this knowledge to your own relationship now with SM. Do you think interacting with everyone here on narcsite has given you some insight on how to change your own patterns so that you can finally have a healthy and successful relationship? I’d like to think that empathy can be contagious.

            Has SM figured out you are a narcissist by now? I’m starting to think you’re a reformed narcissist evolving into a Super Empath😉

          4. HG Tudor says:

            1. Empathy is not contagious. I do not have emotional empathy nor can I have ever happen, you cannot “inject it” into me.
            2. I learn from my interactions and reading here. The relationship is already successful, will it remain that way, we shall have to see.

          5. Twisted Heart says:

            My favourite meme right now:

            “Hey I really like your personality!”

            “Thanks! It’s a disorder!”

            😂🤣😂

        3. Kathleen says:

          Right-o,
          I just don’t like the idea /stereotypes that people should expect to have discord in the relationship. Especially in early years! Should feel good! And fun and open and honest!
          Plus those narratives men are fed that men are fed that “women are difficult “ or “needy “ or “overly emotional “ or fickle. Healthy women aren’t.
          And women are fed the narrative to expect men to be – distant, noncommunicative, brutish, dirty and messy and clueless on how to be a gentleman. Normal guys aren’t and make efforts to not treat a woman like a football buddy.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            You are correct that women are not inherently difficult, needy or over emotional or men distant, brutish etc – such behaviours described are more to do with disordered individuals and not normal or empathic people.

      2. Lorelei says:

        Thanks NA. No added jobs wanted here.

      3. empath007 says:

        Really? In 30 years with your partner there was never a time you wanted to throw in the towel? Quit? Never a time either of you met anyone else you developed feeling for? Never a time you felt hurt and angry at one another? Never a time you had to practice the art of
        Forgiveness? Never a time the sex was dull or perhaps non existant for a bit? Never a time you had conflict with other family memebers that created conflict in your relationship? Never a time one of you were dealing with a serious illness and had to care for one another? Never a time you experinced job losses, hardships?

        All of those things require commitment, understanding, patience and love… and sometimes that can be hard work.

        I understand if it always feels like a struggle or like there is constantly tension and fighting then that’s an issue.

        But it’s ok to work hard at a relationship together.

        1. MB says:

          I agree empath007. I wouldn’t say it’s HARD work, but there are certainly struggles. There are struggles in life whether you are pair bonded or not, and I say I’d rather have the partner I have than go it alone. I’ve been with my partner for 33 years. I can’t imagine life without him having my back.

        2. NarcAngel says:

          Empath007
          Don’t be ridiculous. Of course there are isolated incidences and adjustments but a relationship should not feel like HARD WORK or why are you there? Not saying you should cut and run at the first problem either, but HARD WORK?! Most of us hate our jobs and we get paid for it. If you have a shitty or hard job what do you do? You look for another one. You don’t bend over and open up your ass to your boss for more and say hey we’re gonna work through this together until I retire. The planet is full of people and if you consider the one you’re with HARD WORK then you have to consider what your problem/fear is, because you definitely have one. That is the kind of saying and attitude that allows people to remain unhappy and leads to abuse.

          My first husband wasn’t hard work. He was just boring and bossy. Funny, when I look around I don’t see him here and yet I’m still alive and much happier. You get one life. I’ll be fucked if I’m going to spend it working at a second job. Is there a points card for that?

          1. empath007 says:

            As I mentioned below to WAF I find that people would find these external stressors on relationships very difficult to manage in a lot of
            Cases.

            I understand what you are saying… that it shouldn’t feel
            Like torture day in and out… you shouldn’t have to have arguments the majority of the time And totally loose your own self respect in order to Be in a relationship. Of course not.

            But life throws some major curve balls at all
            Of us… and I think most people have fairytale expectations of what a relationship should be and it’s no fairy tale. And when thier fairy tale goes a little south… they bail… which is absolutely their right… but could possibly Ben an indicator they don’t want to do the work.

            I think it’s great you understood yourself well enough to know you and your first husband were not swayed by social pressure and followed your instinct. Of course I think everyone should do that. But they also need to drop the fairytale sometimes.

            That’s all.

            I just found it surprising a woman in such a
            Long term relationship wouldn’t see it as
            Work. Seems like you certainly found the right person.

        3. WAF Tudorita says:

          Most of not all of the issues you listed were as HG pointed out- due to life circumstances and not caused BY the person involved.

          1. empath007 says:

            Yes they are external factors but working through major issues that life will naturally bring up can be hard work. Two people have to feel committed to make it work and in that length of time the relationship
            Will shape and change.

            For some… that can feel like hard work… which is why they jump from relationship to relationship the second the road gets a little bumpy. They have every right to do that… but a lot of people
            DO find it hard to manage life’s challenges together.

    3. MB says:

      Glitter may not make everything ok, but it sure does make it prettier!

      1. ANK says:

        A bugger to clean up though 😆🙄

        1. WAF Tudorita says:

          If you want revenge on your narc there are companies that will anonymously send him a glitter bomb .

        2. MB says:

          Second hand glitter! #thestruggleisreal

          https://youtu.be/XAim13i8k1I

  28. Violetta says:

    Masochistic musicals. West Side Story: “When love comes so strong, there is no right or wrong.” Oliver: “As Long as He Needs Me.” Everything in Carousel. Fantine and Eponine get the big songs in Les Mis, not Cosette. The audience at Phantom is expected to be (and usually is) in love with Christine’s crazy, disfigured, murderous stalker, not Raoul, who seems to be a pretty decent guy.

    Now that I think about it, many of these characters end up dead, but we’re not supposed to think less of them because they were loyal to someone who was causing them damage.

    I like oldies, but every time an oldies station plays the Supremes (particularly “Now He’s Back in My Arms Again” and “You Keep Me Hanging On”), I wish they would follow it up with Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know.”

    1. cogra002 says:

      Violetta- I Cant Live if Living is Without You.

      1. Violetta says:

        cogra002:
        -Since I Fell For You

        -Beth

        -Use Me, which contains the classic couplet:
        “Oh sometimes yeah it’s true you really do abuse me
        You get in a crowd of high class people and then you act real rude to me”

        Straight out of HG’s playbook, that one.

        -Echoed in the Beatles’ Girl:
        “She’s the kind of girl who puts you down
        When friends are there
        You feel a fool”

    2. kel2day says:

      You Keep Me Hangin On:

      Set me free why don’t cha babe
      Get out my life why don’t cha babe
      Cause you don’t really love me
      You just keep me hangin on

      Why do you keep comin’ around playing with my heart
      Why don’t cha get out of my life and let me make a brand new start

      You don’t care a thing about me
      You’re just using me, abusing me

      Get out, get out of my life
      And let me sleep at night

      Great narc song

    3. Renarde says:

      Violetta

      “The audience at Phantom is expected to be (and usually is) in love with Christine’s crazy, disfigured, murderous stalker, not Raoul, who seems to be a pretty decent guy.”

      No no NO!

      This is what you are meant to think. The first half of your sentence is nearly correct the second half is wholly incorrect. There are a few interpretations to Phantom and the one you’ve outlined is the Disney Version. Love Conquers All.

      Phantom is a G and quite high up on the levels (A GEN). He is NOT mad. He has though developed an obsession with Christine – the woman he believes can save him from his worst malignancies.

      That idiot Raul is a lesser. A handsome lesser but still a narc. Why? Because of this:

      When they meet he ignores the fact that Christine doesn’t want to go out to eat (Entitlement, grandiosity)

      He takes flowers from the managers meant for Christine (facade, entitlement)

      He pushes her to reveal their engagement when she is frightened for her life (boundaries, entitlement, facade)

      He drops endless money (inherited) into the Opera but takes no interest in the Arts (facade)

      When it becomes clear that she really IS in danger (as well as others) he puts her…in danger!!!

      IF he truly loved her he wouldn’t be putting her on the stage, he’d be running in the opposite direction with her. Certainly NOT putting her as bait in a trap.

      “Christine, Christine, don’t think that I don’t care. But every hope and every prayer rests on you now!”

      FUCKING COWARDLY CREEP!!!

      The Phantom on the other hand shows considerable restraint and control. Yes he DOES murder but does he ever murder an innocent? No.

      Does he hurt Christine when she reveals his face. No

      When she faints on seeing the mannequin, does he touch her? No

      Finally, when Raul’s neck is in the noose, she makes the most noble sacrifice, she sacrifices her life for his.

      And what does the Phantom do? He disengages. Why is intresting. I’ve only just got this myself.

      He disengages because the facade is about to be ripped down. Now he could just take her and run. But she’s not giving herself of her own free well. Eventually she will come to REALLY hate him. Better to take a step back and hoover again when the timing is more precipitous. Which he does in the hot mess ‘Love Never Dies’. Greaters are patient.

      Anyway, m’lud. There rests my case as to why Raul is a twat.

      And don’t get me started on Christine’s dead father. And Madame Giry

  29. alexissmith2016 says:

    hahah what a great post! Loving all these!

    I think my not so pointless one will be, ‘Run for the hills and never f****** look back!’

  30. Mairi by day says:

    Anything with a Marilyn Monroe quote.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Ha ha that entertained me.

    2. kel2day says:

      Marilyn Monroe quotes:

      Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

      Sweetie if you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.

      Always, always, always believe in yourself. Because if you you don’t, then who will.

      1. MommyPino says:

        Haha Kel, the second MM quote cracked me up!

        My stepdaughters both love Marilyn Monroe and love this quote from her that I will paste here. My youngest stepdaughter even had a poster of this. This pretty much sums up their point of view.

        “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

        I waited for years and their best never showed up!

        1. kel2day says:

          Love it Mommy Pino!!

  31. Claire says:

    These gems below are useless:

    1.If you love somebody genuinely they’ll love you in return.

    Only if it was true, I won’t be divorced

    2. Love is worth the risk
    What risk? Let me check my insurance policies first..

    3. Your partner is an extension of yourself

    Hell no!

    And those misleading ,cheesy quotes that supposed to sound very romantic but in fact show a) obsession b) nativity or stupidity

    a)” You are the first one I think of when I wake up and the last one I think of before I get to sleep”
    I am not a medical practitioner but this sounds maniacal.

    b) “ Love me without restriction, trust me without fear, want me without demand, accept me for who I am”

    In return, I will break your heart and make your life miserable. Source : personal experience

  32. Cat b says:

    “Live, love, laugh!”

    Yes I agree, people who do that feel good. But narcissists can’t love, and they are every sixth person, they abuse and bully. And their victims can’t exactly laugh and smile all the time …

    … traditionally, women weren’t allowed to think and do rational or mathemathic reasoning with their friends and family.

    We were only allowed to “feel”, say brief words like “love” and “wisdom” and “my great aunty” or “rose-poop” or such. Photos of bumble-bees on lavender. That’s what women are about …

    Once I read an angry statement from a (probably very kind, though) meme woman. After a long understatement wellwritten tirade about severe criminals she concluded with:

    “Then they can eat Rose Petals!”

    This is the angriest language most women allow themselves to express to the world.

    Weird.

    1. blackunicorn123 says:

      I hate Live, Love, Laugh with a passion, especially when it’s on “cute” kitchen signs, cushions or FB profile pictures.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Kill it. Kill it with fire!

        1. MB says:

          We should totally have a Narcsite bonfire HG!

        2. blackunicorn123 says:

          Definitely. The question is – with accelerant or without? I can’t decide between a slow painful death, or a quick satisfying spectacular one!!

        3. blackunicorn123 says:

          And yes, I am still talking about signage and not my narc. 😉

        4. Renarde says:

          Quite agree. It’s execrable. The worst proponents of those signs are usually female lessers who say ‘hun’ a lot.

          Often on my travels on t’internet I’ll come across one who pretends to be spiritual but the post jarrs. A quick whizz around their profile reveals usually two things.

          The header on FB is of their kids
          The own profile picture usually has one of those god-awful animal noses. You know. Oh and beauty filtered to fuck

          Oh and perhaps that their usually male partner has sad eyes

          I will then treat them accordingly depending on my mood

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Entertained me!

      2. WAF Tudorita says:

        Nothing says “Basic girl” than that friggin plaque

        1. blackunicorn123 says:

          Totally agree!!!!

        2. Renarde says:

          Ha ha!

  33. Sarah says:

    Try these on for size HG…..so much fun!!

    “If you love someone enough set them free, if they come back to you they will be yours forever, if they don’t come back it was never meant to be”. Yep and how long does one play this game for? A narc’s wet dream.

    “True love has a habit of coming back”. So does a narc and if you think that is true love, you need a pet.

    “If it is real it will never be over”. If it is a nightmare it will never be over either.

    “What’s meant to be will always find a way”. So will a narc when there is fuel, character traits and residual benefits on offer.

    “A true relationship is two imperfect people refusing to give up on each other”. This conjures up all kinds of images of pathetic and hopeless for me. In one word it is dangerous!

    “Sometimes two people have to fall apart to realise how much they need to fall back together”. Sometimes if two people are ‘together’ they don’t need to fall apart. Once something is broken it will never be the same again. Totally illogical – since when do we break things to make them better? Stupid.

    “To give and not expect return, that is what lies at the heart of love”. Actually that is what lies at the heart of a doormat.

    “Souls tend to go back to who feels like home”. Those without souls feel the same way, they just have more homes to go back to.

    “To be brave is to love someone unconditionally without expecting anything in return”. To be brave is to know your worth and not be afraid to eat alone.

    “Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same”. Mirror, mirror on the wall.

    “When you truly love someone you don’t judge them by their past. You leave it there. Just be happy their future belongs to you”. Ted Bundy included I guess?!

    Please tear them apart HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Sarah.

    2. Whitney says:

      Sarah thank you reading your thoughts is helpful for my addiction to narcissists

      1. Sarah says:

        That is lovely Whitney, I am so pleased.

  34. Leigh says:

    There are some that actually help. “Be careful of the wolf in sheep’s clothing.” That one I repeat over and over again. He was definitely a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Then that is not a Pointless Platitude, Leigh. I am not saying they are all pointless, but many are and it is highlighting those that are and taking them apart.

      1. Renarde says:

        Agreed and neither is this one.

        “The worst thing you can do to a woman is not to pretend to love her. The very worst thing you can do to a woman is pretend to love her and then take her children.”

        Renarde

  35. Leigh says:

    “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re yours, if they don’t, they never were.” Yikes! You ALWAYS come back and I’m pretty sure your not ours.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes indeed, this is a prime example and you sum up the position nearly in your comment about it. HG approves.

  36. NarcAngel says:

    “If you love someone set them free. If they come back they’re yours, if they don’t they never were”

    Pure dreck.

    More like:
    If you have to test, it’s a narc. If they come back, it will be with an STD and ill intention. If they don’t – they’re dead.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed NA and this has also bene highlighted by Leigh.

    2. geyserempath says:

      OMG NarcAngel, I laughed so hard I spit out my beer! I am framing that quote.

    3. E. B. says:

      NA,
      Yes, it’s nonsense.

      “If you love a narcissist, go NC. If they come back, it’s a hoover. If they don’t, they have probably found a new PS”

  37. Joanne says:

    “Hurt people hurt people,” as if this is some excuse for terrible behavior.

    1. Cat b says:

      And

      “People who know better, do better”

      Very triggering and abuser-excusing.

  38. ANK says:

    ‘Who is meant for you will return to you’

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Bit of a theme developing here.

  39. kaydiva3 says:

    “No one really wants to hurt anyone”

    “People who are hurting hurt other people”

    “Love conquers all”

    “If you love someone let them go. If they come back they’re yours”

    “The right woman can change a devil” (seriously?!)

    “Believe in love”

    “Follow your heart”

    “If it’s meant to be it will”

    “Love will find a way”

  40. MommyPino says:

    “No one will ever love you like your parents.”

    Sayings like that annoyed me and they are everywhere during Mother’s Day.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Nobody will ever love you like a narcissist – it is true, but not in the way you might think!

      1. FYC says:

        100 likes

        1. MommyPino says:

          I second the 100 likes FYC! 😊

      2. MommyPino says:

        Haha so true!! 😂 😂

      3. cogra002 says:

        Lol! Beyond true

    2. NarcAngel says:

      Good point. Hard to buy the required card for a parent when it comes to holidays or hallmark occasions when you’re an ACON and not No Contact. Hopefully in most cases it’s “Thinking of you across the miles”.

      1. Violetta says:

        “Thinking of you across the miles”.

        I like that one!

        Fiddler on the Roof has a line like that. Someone asks if there is a blessing for the Tsar, and the answer is, “May God bless and keep the Tsar–far away from us!”

      2. MommyPino says:

        Haha NA, Hallmark needs to come up with an ACON line of cards and they need to hire you for funny lines like that lol. 😂🤣

        1. Stella SHELF Unmaskers says:

          Money Pino, please can you tell me what is the exact definition of ACONS and what does it mean?

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Adult Child of Narcissist.

    3. Stella SHELF Unmaskers says:

      In Italy we use to say “parents equal serpents”…

      1. Stella SHELF Unmaskers says:

        Thank you HG, but what do you mean when you say Adult Child of Narcissist? A Child grown with narcissistic parents, treated in a bad way, who will probably become a narcissist as an adult? I’ve got some difficult to understand it

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No.
          Someone who is not a narcissist, who has is an adult and has a narcissist for a parent.

          1. Stella SHELF Unmaskers says:

            And so have these individuals acquired any particular characterial trait close to narcissism having narcissistic parents or not necessairily?

          2. MommyPino says:

            Hi Stella SHELF Unmaskers, I am an ACON and although I have empathy, I know that I have acquired some narcissistic behaviors from my narcissist mom but through the years I am able to decrease them because I have guilt, remorse and empathy. It is unique for each individual though. I have seen other people refer to that as narcissist fleas.

    4. Renarde says:

      The day I grew up was the day I realised my father didn’t love me. Never had, never will.

      The day I became empowered was when I realised who I was and what I was to him.

      The day I became dangerous was when I realised he had given me all the tools to evade him. And wound him if necessary.

      It’s simply a matter of perspective.

      1. Stella SHELF Unmaskers says:

        Hi Mommy Pino. I made this question referring to the serie of memes “Little Acons” published on this blog. Many sentences were said to me by my parents during my childhood, but I don’t believe they were narcissists. Furthermore HG with presenting this serie wrote that the described behaviours from the parents result in the creation of ACONS, so I believed that ACONS must have some particular trait.

        1. MommyPino says:

          Hi Stella SHELF Unmaskers, I think that if you read this article:

          https://narcsite.com/2019/03/12/to-control-is-to-cope-narcissism-and-its-creation/#comments
          You will get a lot of answers.

          Children of narcissists are exposed to narcissistic behaviors in their formative years and when they become adults, some of them become narcissists and some do not. The ones who become narcissists have the genetic predisposition which means they have inherited the genes that when expressed by the experiences of abuse, the narcissistic traits develop. The ACONs did not inherit those genes so they didn’t become narcissists but sometimes due to the dysfunctional home that they grew up in, they have to develop and teach themselves healthy behaviors and how to cultivate relationships in a healthy way. But they are not narcissists so for them it is possible but with narcissists it isn’t because they do not want to change.

          1. Stella SHELF Unmaskers says:

            I’ve already read it and translated in Italian, even if I didn’t associate it to this specific subject. So ACONS are individuals who are frailer than others, due to their parents’behaviours, and maybe they’re even easier pray for narcs?

          2. MommyPino says:

            Hi SSU, well it depends on the individual. I wouldn’t say that ACONs are frailer than others as a group. It depends on how the individual person survives the harsh environment that they grew up in. But yes, a lot of ACONs are easier prey for narcs because the toxic dynamic is what is normal to them unless they figured out on their own that there are healthier and better dynamics in relationships. So I think the best definition of ACON is what HG said and all the other characteristics vary on each individual.

      2. MommyPino says:

        So true Renarde and very beautifully stated.

        1. Renarde says:

          Thank you Mommy P! x

          1. Stella SHELF Unmaskers says:

            Hi Mommy Pino. You explained it very well. As I said before, I don’t believe to be’ an ACON, but during my childhood something must have gone wrong because I’ve always felt attracted to narcissistic individuals and to narcissists in particular. I’m desperate to fall in love for a normal man.

          2. Renarde says:

            I think you might be really quite rare Stella. Most emps have at least one narc parent.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            No, they do not.

          4. MommyPino says:

            Hi Renarde, I just want to send my condolences to you as I have read that you had someone in your family pass away. I hope that you are doing ok. I’m sorry for your loss.

          5. Renarde says:

            Oh my lovely, thankyou Mommy P. She was one of our kind. I’m mourning her but she had many health complaints over the years. Shes hopefully now healing.

            She was a brave and courageous woman. Also incredibly intelligent. She attended a grammar school in the late forties. Womens 11 plus results were routinely frigged so they wouldn’t get in.

            Her eldest son died of meningitis. Her youngest son went into care (Hello PN!!!)

            I do not doubt that PN tried it on. She refused and then bolted. PN probably had her child removed. I can even imagine the scenario of how he chanced his arm. If mum knew, it would break her heart.

            Thankyou again x

          6. Cat b says:

            Stella are you sure none of your parents or brother/sister is a narcissist?

            That’s usually the reason one is attracted to narcs or afraid of narcs.

          7. HG Tudor says:

            No, it is not usually the reason why an individual is attracted to narcissists, it is a reason.

          8. Cat b says:

            Ok got it.

          9. Cat b says:

            In a way I’m glad this is the case, then.
            It means it’s not only abusive childhood (a narc parent) which can turn us into kind caring trusting people.

          10. MommyPino says:

            Hi SSU, thank you! I’m very happy that I was able to be helpful to you. There maybe nothing wrong with you about your upbringing. My dad was raised by two empaths whom he and many people still describes as the kindest and most amazing people they have met and yet my dad married a MR Cerebral and my mom who was his mistress was a Lesser Victim narcissist. He told me that he was attracted to strong women. In my opinion he also had a huge savior complex. When he saw something that needed fixing and he thought was beautiful he had to save it. And it was ingrained in everything that he did: saving an old historical bridge that was going to be destroyed, saving the old tombstones of 49ers that were being stolen in the cemetery, saving the site of a burial ground of the Chinese during the Gold Rush, being involved in saving historical buildings in our area etc. And I have seen while I was growing up how much he tried to save my mom by encouraging her etc. which never worked. So I think that there are many other reasons that empathic people can be attracted to narcs even if they didn’t grow up with a narcissist parent.

          11. Alexissmith2016 says:

            Interesting point re empaths not all having narc parents and I would definitely agree with that.

            However I’ve not yet come across this the other way round as in I d never met a narc parent who does not have at least one narc child. I’m sure there are some, I’ve just not met them yet.

          12. Renarde says:

            This is making my brain hurt. I’ve misunderstood something. Because I’ve never come across an Empath that didn’t have an abusive childhood.

            This could be because of where I interact and therefore I’m skewed/biased.

            If what you are saying is correct Alex, that’s a very powerful reason not to have children with a narc.

  41. E. B. says:

    Some of them are:

    -“The truth ALWAYS comes out in the end regardless of the situation”

    – “You reap what you sow.”; “EVERYTHING you do comes back to you, whether it’s good or bad.” (Karma)

    -Being rewarded: “If you dedicate your life to doing good, you will be rewarded.”

    -Paying for our sins: “Sooner or later in life we will all take our own turn being in the position we once had someone else in.”

    – “Bad things happen for a reason.”
    (Apparently God or some ‘Higher Power’ wanted that to happen so we shouldn’t complain)

    -“People will do to you in life what you allow them to do.”

    -“If you want to know how others treat you, the best starting place is to look at how you treat others.”

    -Suffering makes you stronger.
    (Some people seem to be totally unware of (C)-PTSD)

    -“Love your neighbour, even the ones who do not show you the same courtesy.”

    I prefer George Bernard Shaw’s: “Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may be different.” 🙂

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thanks EB, some good ones there.

      1. E. B. says:

        You are welcome.

    2. Whitney says:

      Good list EB! I hate the karma belief, and I hate the saying “everything happens for a reason”. Yes it happens because of cause and effect.
      Some people think there’s some mystical force controlling their lives. You control your life!

      1. E. B. says:

        Whitney,
        I agree. IMO, that belief may prevent them from understanding that they might have played a role when they became ensnared (in case they were in a relationship) and from learning about their own weaknesses. They may not be interested in learning about narcissistic abuse. They may never learn that they can do something to protect themselves – instead of feeling helpless believing they cannot do anything about it.

    3. Stella SHELF Unmaskers says:

      Maybe my grandma on mom’s side was a narcissist. Since the beginning she was contrary to my mum getting engaged with my dad, as my mum and her family have always been living in the countryside and my father in the centre of Rome, so he wasn’t keen on farm work. However they got married and my father went to live with my mother in the family house. My grandma couldn’t stand my daddy, everyday she launched insults towards him and my father had to bear everything developing every day a more and more uncommunicativebehavior. Soon my sister was born, and I was born 9 years after her. I spent my childhood seeing my grandma offending my father everyday, my mother would say nothing, and not even my father, he was completely submissive. Furthermore he was keeping a very cold and harsh behavior towards me due to his frustration. Moreover my mother and my grandma had no trust in me, and they clearly preferred my sister saying she was better than me. Here’s my background, here’s my ideal man’s figure that I’ve been inconsciounsly searching for since my formative years. I’m absolutely scared of men who are too self-confident. I parted ways from my ex husband, who was the only man who gave me stability and financial security to pursue frailty covered by (manufactured) perfection. In this scenario two narcs, a LLN and an UMR sniffed out blood and they left me broken, expecially the latter.

      1. Cat b says:

        I’m really sorry to hear that about feeling your sister was favourite and the stress your parents felt which was taken out on you Stella.

        I hope being away from your narc ex is making you strong. So you can go back to a good life.

        1. Stella SHELF Unmaskers says:

          Now I’ve accepted all that

  42. Desirée says:

    I befriended a middle mid-ranger once. This was her instagram handle:

    “Using things and loving people, not loving things and using people!”

    I bet she has that stitched into her underwear, too.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Good call.

      Of course to use, Desiree, people are things, which are to be used.

    2. Renarde says:

      Mirror mirror on the wall.

      Of course the image in a mirror is virtual and laterally flipped.

  43. KellyD says:

    You can dress a donkey up for the parade, but he still shits in the street.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Ah so that is who has been making a mess outside, mystery solved!

      1. Renarde says:

        Norty HG!

  44. MB says:

    “True love has a habit of coming back”

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That’s a corker, MB, lets take it down!

    2. Sarah says:

      Love this one MB.

      True love has a habit of coming back and so does herpes, head lice, seagulls chasing your chips and cancer.

    3. blackunicorn123 says:

      Oooh, oooh, Yes! A relation to the classic “if you love someone let them go, they will return if it’s meant to be”, or some drivel similar to that!

      1. MB says:

        I think we all know that’s a hoover! We don’t need HG to tear that one to shreds! Haha

      2. Renarde says:

        Nah, the real one is;

        “If you love them, let them go. If they come back to you, let them go again ‘cos clearly no other fucker wants them!”

        1. blackunicorn123 says:

          Truth!!!!! 😂

          1. Renarde says:

            TY! x

        2. MommyPino says:

          Haha that is really what happened! 😂

  45. Intrepid Traveller says:

    “All relationships are hard, you dont just walk away when they get difficult” “And one day there will be someone who comes along and offers you the entire galaxy – not just the stars” “when i saw you i fell in love and you smiled because you knew” (will Shakespeare ). There are loads, but cant find them just now, but each time i see them online i cringe and never want to hear them said to me ever or ever again.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Fair point, make a note next time you see them.

      1. Lorelei says:

        HG—addressing platitudes is actually a very tangible way of discussing healthy relationships with my kids. My second child is prime fodder for this bullshit—she’s demonstrating emotional thinking in so many ways and is totally captivated by the boys. (And she is lovely so a target for them)
        She is basically boy crazy and constantly upset and I suspect some budding narc boys in the mix for all this drama and emotional turmoil. I know I can’t responsibly attribute the situation to an empathic/narc ridden dynamic at play as is tainted by my life impacting my thinking—but it isn’t the same with the other kids so there is something unique in the mix. Platitudes would be good to heavily discuss in a book geared for teens because they pass them around quite freely and feel pretty secure in what feels like philosophical wisdom.

  46. Stella SHELF Unmaskers says:

    Hi HG! You’re absolutely right. These pointless platitudes ruined people and made them more vulnerable to your kind. Here is one by the fb page of another victim of my narc:
    “You don’t have to convince anyone, really.
    The hearts that resemble one another recognize each other.
    They have such power and a capacity of attraction so strong that nothing can keep them apart.
    Stand still, really.
    The heart that does not recognize you, does not resemble you.”
    What do you think about this? I’m sending this one because it’s the first I found just as I read your poll.
    On this occasion I have to apologize with you and your readers because more than a month ago in a previous comment of mine I talked about a platitude in regard to the title of an article of yours, “Tickety Boo and Not so Pucker”, and one of your readers made even a joke about my expression out of turn. Now I come to realize that I completely misunderstood the meaning; when I used that term I actually meant “cliché” (neverthless you must have understood what I was meaning). I’m quite embarassed for the debacle. Unfortunately, even if I became proficient in English, it’s not my mother language and I’ve never stayed enough in England to learn the most common expressions. Excuse me again!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Stella, and no need to be concerned about “the debacle”.

      1. Violetta says:

        Anything extolling Positive Attitudes.
        There are times when feeling miserable is perfectly realistic and appropriate. You figure out what you’re going to do next, even if it feels pointless and hopeless.
        “You have to believe in yourself, or you’ll never succeed!” Wait for that to happen, and you’ll never START. Sometimes you have to go through the motions before you pick up momentum.

        1. Renarde says:

          That’s true.

    2. Renarde says:

      Christ Stella, I hope that wasn’t mean when I was having one of my ‘turns’. It sounds a a bit like sommet I’d do. Sorry if it was. English idioms can be very strange beasts indeed.

      Your English is perfect.

  47. If I saw “Follow your heart” captioned with a pretty picture that was from a narcissist site, then I would agree.

    However, I love positivity, personally. I think love encourages love and hope encourages hope and I LOVE that.

    I do not post or share such things, though I can’t help but click “like” when the words touch my heart. I love inspirational quotes, so I’m out on this one.

    Lovely quotes to me, are like affirmations.

    Sorry HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You have missed the point.

      1. Sorry HG,

        I am very good at that 😉

        Ok.

        “Whatever you are not changing,
        You are choosing.
        Read that again”.

    2. Renarde says:

      Yeah, I also do think you have missed the point but also I would argue that there can be double meanings to a lot of these ‘platitudes’.

      For example, ‘Follow your heart’ when not put into a romantic setting can really mean, do what makes YOU happy. Such as pursuing a different career, hobby etc.

      I think often in society we can get romantic love and platonic love mixed up to fuck. This is because society doesn’t understand that 17% of it have NPD and can never love. They merely run the ‘love lite’ program. And now in my mind I’m not thinking of all the Don Juan’s, I’m thinking of those hard faced female lessers who are utterly deluded as to what empathy really means.

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