Poll : How Has Your Entanglement Affected You Emotionally?
Being entangled with our kind results in all manner of effects for our victims – financial, psychological, physical, damage to relationships or jobs, loss of security and the home. There is always an emotional impact from your time with a narcissist. This is not about potential psychological conditions which arise from the experience but rather those overriding feelings that exist following the encounter.
Was it bewilderment at how someone who purported to love you could treat you so awfully? Perhaps you feel that your trust has been irreparably damaged so that you can no longer trust anybody else? Maybe you are left feeling miserable, angry or upset? Possibly you now feel proud of how you have managed to cope with what has happened to you?
No doubt there are a number of applicable responses in terms of the major emotional impacts that have occurred as a consequence of your ensnarement with a narcissist or narcissists. If so, do choose as many applicable options before casting your vote and as usual, do expand on your answer and circumstances in the comments.
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Rachel,
You are at the right place now. Not only will you find yourself again, you will find a better, even stronger you after you travel across the emotional sea. HG has saved the lives and sanity of many, including myself. Soak up his knowledge like you are a sponge, he is the very best in the world and he will get you through this! FYC has put up the site for angel assistance, please take advantage of it, the sooner you consult with HG the better you will feel. You will come through this, please believe me, everyone on here will help to answer any questions you may have. Be good to yourself dear. It will take time, but you will be you again. 🥰
Definitely a complete lack of understanding of how and why he did the things he did.
At this point in my recovery, however, (which is 16 months today !!!) I honestly do not think about any of those things anymore. I don’t think about how he hurt me very often… occasionally there is a fleeting moment but it never lasts long.
I am more concerned with finally ending the last sphere of influence we have open, and opening myself up to start dating again (as I really miss, crave and think about the intimacy the most).
A new me is in order. Time to start fresh, new job… new man… and leave all of this behind me 🙂
My answers, not necessarily in this order: Sadness, Bewilderment, Relief, Anger, Embarrassment, Guilt, Fear.
I’d say Numero Uno would be Embarrassment. The signs were ALL there from the very beginning. I am the one who chose to ignore them, the signs and the red flags and all the obvious.
Wish I would have dumped him in that very first week like I wanted to. First week turned into eight years. What a dummy I am (that’s an accurate observation, not a ploy for pity).
Lisk
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are not a dummy. You were just REALLY committed to your project.
(That was meant to make you laugh).
I choose:
Bewilderment at how someone could be so hurtful
Relief at finally realising what was happening
Anger at being treated this way
Shock at learning the truth of what ensnared you
Guilt for neglecting other elements of your life (job/children/family/friends) because of the narcissist
Embarrassment at what has happened and feeling so gullible
Concern at feeling like you can never trust anybody again
Fear of how you will ever recover
I am definitely embarrassed by what happened. I still don’t want people to know exactly what went on. I will only tell my therapist and even then I am embarrassed. Also, I think a lot about not being able to trust again. I’m not sure if it’s guilt or regret, spending all my savings on my ex narc. Buying him food and other things as well as supporting him while he played video games. If I even mentioned him getting a job he would become so offended. I’ve never seen anything like it.
Today I received a message from him on Twitter. He was using an account I didn’t think he used anymore. That’s why I never muted it. I hadn’t heard from him since May. He basically told me to F*** off. Then immediately blocked my Facebook. In his Twitter message he mentioned how he tried emailing me (blocked) and that I should delete all my tweets about narcissists. Then he said something that really bewildered me. He said a good bye would have been nice considering… How and why would I say goodbye to someone who claimed deep love for me one minute and then told me to F off and immediately blocked me the next???
Even though I know I don’t want him back I was still a bit shook by this tweet. MUTED!!
Felt angry, embarrassed and sad in the beginning.
Lesson learned: Not everyone you lose is a loss. Especially if those people are backstabbers whose words worth nothing.
Guilt at having neglected myself so extremely. Embarrassed that I was played with like a toy. Despair bc I miss the Golden Period(yes even if it wasn’t real.). Pride at how I handled the situation.
Appalled at how much I tolerated and still
almost shocked at a rather simple explanation for something that was so crippling. I’d love to see this subject explode in awareness. It’s been steadily growing yes indeed, but the issue is that it’s growing by reaction rather than prevention.
I’ve lost everything. My home. My job. My life. My sanity. I’ve spent 5 weeks in a psychiatric hospital and now rely on the goodwill of friends for a bed for the night. I am totally and utterly broken. My heart is in pieces and my mind lost.
I fear I’ll never recover 😢
Fear won’t let you recover. Logic will.
There is no logic. None. I cannot apply what I cannot find.
I am lost.
A confident, intelligent, professional woman, I am now nothing. Owned by depression who tells me I’m worthless. Chased by anxiety all the time.
Me…. the outspoken one. The leader. The ‘takes no shit’ one.
That person is now lost.
I cannot exorcise my soulmate however hard I try.
This is where the empaths come in. HG is horrid at caring but he spreads the word so we love him regardless.
This is what’s known in the spiritual (energetic) world as rock bottom. It’s a truly amazing place. Lots of growth can happen here. Your old life has experienced a death and now you begin again.
Everything is about energy. Even the narcissistic dynamic is about an exchange of emotional energy or “fuel.” You need time to rebuild.
You can start by asking yourself (10\day) “What would someone who loves themselves do right now?” Do that shit. You can’t go wrong. That is just one way you can move forward. There are thousands.
Rachel,
You’ve described yourself as confident, intelligent, and professional. You will be that woman again. An even stronger version of that woman! The logical thinking HG promotes in his work will begin to replace the emotional thinking. It just takes time. There seems to be a lot of compassionate people at this site for support during the tough times also.
I’ve been exactly at the point where you are for the past couple months (not even able to get off the couch). I discovered an article of HGs that seemed as if it was written just for me. It opened up the flood gates. I read all day and all night. Then I read all day the next day and had to force myself to go to bed the next night. It was like an infinite number of lights converging into one point and everything made sense.
This month I have started reading his books. Fuel, and Fury were the two that really helped and now I am reading Manipulated. I haven’t had any consultations but they seemed to have helped a lot of people in dire need.
Keep reading! You may have bad days….but it does start to get better.
Hg approves
Gypsy Heart
Great post. I’m glad you are here and finding your way back to yourself. You’re right – there are many compassionate people here as you have just demonstrated. It’s so good for someone like Rachel to read that they are not alone in their phase of the struggle as you have done. The books are great, as are the consultations. Keep reading and reaching out.
I’ll read some more.
I’ve tried to exorcise this beast and he creeps back into my mind like a virus.
It’s literally exhausting every ounce of my will to live. Again.
If you have not tried HG, you have not tried hard enough.
I have.
Rachel
Welcome. You are not the first person to arrive here declaring that. You will recover and it begins here. This is the lost and found of sanity.
NA—you are correct. I’ll never forget a moment a few years ago. I was laying on the couch nearly immobilized and thought to myself, “I’ll never be me again—I don’t know what is happening but I don’t think I can recover from this.” I did not get my hair cut for nearly a year—it was in a pony tail. This is why it’s long now—it was generally short. It grew back wavy like chemo patients! I didn’t wear make up and rapidly gained weight from the alcohol. In was, in effect, dead. I couldn’t cook. I couldn’t clean. (Had to have a girl come weekly to clean and do laundry) I have a few photos—maybe one day I’ll post as I’m unrecognizable anyway. I looked like a corpse. My friends were so confused and the doctor was giving me pills for mental illness and they made me sick. I never had a mental illness. I have not connected well with the sadness of this yet.. For Rachel there is hope. I’m forever indebted. If HG needed me to declare his work in any capacity I would do so. I adore you too—your wit makes me smile.
Thank you Lorelei.
You are welcome. Bill Cosby visited again last night. I’m falling in love.
I mean it HG—you creep me out less and less. I mean that I don’t think you wear a black cape at least.
But I did get pedicures faithfully, ok! And my eyebrows waxed. There were glimmers of hope:)
Lorelei
Well obvi! We are not animals lol.
Yes NA—the only time I skipped pedicures was a few months back when I got ran over by a grocery cart and posted a self deprecating worn out polish picture. I couldn’t stand to deal with my feet as it hurt so bad. I’ve since been cured. Eyebrows and pedicures though—was all I had the energy to do. When I woke from the misery even my mascara containers were dried out. I’m not kidding. Speaking of eyelashes—that Latisse stuff is of interest. I used it a long time ago and it works. You don’t even need mascara when your eyelashes get as long as it makes them. I’m buying it in China. It’s like $100 for a 4 week supply here and that’s silly. I got it from China last time and didn’t die.
NA, thank you for your kind words.
It has been hard for me to reach out. Part of my aha moment was that my dad was a narcissist (one of the lesser variety- extremely physically abusive towards me). I learned at an early age to be fiercely independent. Also all my intimate relationships have been with narcissists. The reader responses have truly been inspiring.
Glad you approve HG.
Awww Rachel, I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve lost everything because of an N. I cannot even begin to imagine what you’re going through at all. But when you’ve reached rock bottom there is only one way to go and that is up,up,up!
You’re here on this site so you clearly want to recover and get through this. It sounds like you have some great friends in your life and this site is exactly the catalyst you need to help you get back on your feet again.
I wish I could jump through the internet and give you a massive hug.
Good luck on your journey to freedom. You’ll find some great people on this site xxx
Welcome Rachel. We are here for you. All is not lost. Your new beginning is now. Please click on this link for assistance: https://narcsite.com/angel-assistance/
It’s never too late to start over Rachel. Remember that living well is the best revenge. You can do it.
Now that I have a peek into how they work, & had some time to deal w the shock, anger etc, what keeps surfacing is pity. Bc wow they put up a good front, but inside they are seething. While I’ve experienced some healing & restoration of peace in my life these last few months, all they’ve done is stew in the same rage & bitterness. It’s just business as usual for them, flailing about to meet the desperate need that has driven them their whole lives. Some pitiful stuff for real once they get a certain age & enough bad decisions catch up with them.
“Flailing about” really describes them well. Flailing about as they try to control themselves and everything around them.
I sometimes head towards pitying them, but remembering my Narcx’s bad behavior takes me out of Pityland.
ts, we have better places to be.
Almost all ✔️
My consciousness – the higher self helped me to distinguish what I was drawn into.
Freedom is love
Emotions are slavery
How do you check if you are in a state of freedom or captivity?
Check if you are in your mind or in your heart.
Are you in your emotions or feelings (feelings, love)?
The mind generates emotions, so check, do you feel fear, anger, helplessness? What causes them? Maybe someone is manipulating you?
Manipulation is keeping you in a low emotional state, it is a set of techniques that someone can use to evoke in you (consciously or not) the emotions of fear, anger, helplessness, etc. What exactly can be this manipulation? Criticizing, humiliating, persistent silence, concealing certain knowledge, comparing you with others, giving you advice, correcting you – manipulation is a certain way of communication, the same effects can be caused by psychological aggression, i.e. just a shout, insults or overt physical violence. Do you feel fear and anger? You are in your mind.
Note that you are not doing it yourself. This happens from the level of superiority of one person over the other, i.e. the hierarchical system. If someone usurps the right to power over you, then there is no equality, if there is no freedom and equality, then there is no love in this arrangement, and there are only emotions and emotional domination of one person over another.
So when is love? When there is freedom, or equality, no dominion, no correction, no instruction. It is sharing with you, your thoughts, your reflections, your feelings, even your emotions, which, after all, come into contact with the outside world. In love you talk freely about yourself, you remain focused on your self. You feel yourself. You express yourself. In freedom you can share everything if you want. It’s a feeling, it’s love. You are in your heart. There is no fear or anger here. You are free of it.
I checked all but three.
My biggest concern right now is guilt and anger at myself for neglecting so many other aspects of my life.
I’ve been separated from my husband for over 2 years now. Friends and coworkers convinced me to leave after witnessing physical abuse at a company excursion. I then fell into the arms of N#3 who was a friend for the past 25 years (kids grew up together, family vacations and holidays together…yes hes married, so lots of humiliation too).
We also worked together. Everyone knew of the affair. Long story short i was fired and unable to receive unemployment. Never lost a job before. Still in a state of shock and paralysis. Haven’t been motivated to find another job i think because they were portraying me as unhinged and I’m concerned about reference for past 4 years! Mortgage is due. Bills are overdue, and no funds in the bank account. If i lose my house i have no where to go.
Definately embarrasment at being so gullible. He has done this many times before. The workplace is his own personal playground, and many people have lost jobs because of him. Lots of anger that he always gets to keep his job.
Thank you HG, i have not been able to find information anywhere else that even comes close to the information provided in your work! I also love your unique writing style.
Hello Kathy, I am pleased that my work has been able to provide you with the information you require, it is of course far superior and accurate beyond what else is out there. You included your surname in your handle so I removed it, for reasons of privacy.
Kathy I am sorry to hear your story. I can’t imagine the pain of being fired on top of everything else going on. One good thing is, you would have likely had to have left the job anyways just due to the fact that he would make it impossible to stay, but I’m sorry it wasn’t more on your own terms and Yes, it IS unfair he gets to stay and continue making life hell for everyone else. But you will be better off away from that place and him in the end. All the best to you, I hope you find the information and support you need here.
empath007, thank you
I initially thought I would be able to work with him after formally ending the affair a year ago. Little did I know he was a narcissist at the time and that would be impossible. Too bad I didn’t have all this information then! His hoovering techniques constantly had me either wanting to go back to him or in tears. I did have one slip up when he was devaluing the other woman, but have stood my ground since then. Honestly, even though my life is a mess i am relieved and can start working on my no contact plan. Still have a lot of reading to do. I did expose him at work so he hasnt contacted me. Although there has been malign hoovers through other sources immediately after. At least I found HGs site (better late than never).
Occasionally it still hits me, the grief. I seem to have a lingering anxiety; a nameless, shapeless fear that won’t let me sleep. I’ve never been anxious before in my whole life. I was embarrassed, but what is the point of that? I don’t spend a lot of time in anger, that’s just not the emotion for me. I’m sad for him. Because anxiety, PTSD and sadness aside, I’m pushing on with my life and good things are happening. He will always be this way, though, and will be the fading star.
For me,with a narcisstic mother,then a narcissistic partner,it resulted with me walking away with complex-ptsd and DID,In therapy still.
I’ve had a few different narcissists, and this is how I felt afterwards:
– Utter despair, missing, longing, and dreaming of a life with them.
-Total confusion and uneasiness. Living inside their weird minds. Believing their construct and confused about reality.
-Never shame, guilt, or self-blame for the ensnarement
-Never worried about trusting again
-Hardly angry, but I should be
Sadness for the loss of something that appeared special – I checked this one but maybe it’s not “sadness.” I still feel bad that whatever friendship we had and the childhood memories I have of him are now forever soiled by learning what he really is.
Anger at being treated this way – He wasn’t terrible to me but I’m still angry to have been targeted. Angry that he lured me into his stupid game then just decided he didn’t really feel like playing anymore. Go target someone else, not me who is MARRIED, and whom you’ve known forever.
Embarrassment at what has happened – so many levels of embarrassment. At this point, mostly embarrassment because I still think about this at all. I should be well beyond this by now.
Guilt for neglecting other elements – especially my husband. For a long time I was so consumed by the narc that I let so many things slide at home and work.
I chose fear of never getting over it and trust. Not only trust in a future partner but trust in myself to recognize potential danger. I’ve gotten my feet wet with dating but I don’t know if any guy out there will have the patience to let me get to know them enough to form some trust. I know how easy it was for the ex N to juggle multiple fuel sources. I also know that unless I’m up a guys ass 24/7 I will never know what is going on while he is “patiently” waiting for me to come around. One thing I have learned is that I owe the men that shows red flags nothing. I don’t have to be polite. I just ignore and block. No explanation needed.
The only one I didn’t check was fear of not being able to trust again. It’s been 2 years and the miasma has lifted so most of these no longer apply. I try to discipline my mind to not fantasize abt what might have been and it easy now. The turning point was accepting that I was blindsided, got some low blows from someone who played dirty, and ended up the victim of a massive con. This site is great “therapy”.
I checked all but one. Also I struggled with worthlessness and humiliation. I felt like there was something defective about me because he couldn’t love me, but it seemed he could love others.
I chose despair and relief. Before I knew I had been ensnared (again), I was devastated. I thought this person was the one for me. I had introduced her to my parents (which was a big deal for me) and was even saving for a ring.
Two weeks after meeting my parents, she told me we weren’t going to work out. A week after she broke up with me, she was seeing someone else. 4 months later they were engaged. 4 months after that they were married. And a year after she dumped me, she was already 20 weeks pregnant. I’ve always wanted a family of my own so this was crushing to me.
Now, thanks to multiple consultations with HG and purchasing the Zero Impact package, I feel relief. If I had been promoted instead of shelved, I’d be married to a LMRN and have a kid. I’d be set for a lifetime of devaluation, not to mention the outcome for the child (most likely will become a narc or co-dependent). Not only have I avoided that fate, but I’m better prepared to recognize the signs of narcissistic entanglement and the poison of my own ET.
I owe it all to you HG, so thank you!
You are most welcome.
In the beginning a complete car crash of emotions! but since finding your site HG I find I’m rarely affected by the behaviour of an N because I can now explain their behaviour away. ‘Oh they didn’t reply to because they’re trying to exert control or I didn’t give them enough fuel’ etc So several years on any emotional response is complete tempered thanks to you.
Nice Alexis!
A shit storm combination of embarrassment due to the extreme exploitation of a ping pong entanglement that the other woman denies being a part of, bewilderment of the last “i love you” toward me to three weeks later “in a relationship” with the other. The flip side is learning more about myself. I sharpened my blades and my claws and I cut as deeply as I could with the supernova/empath within me and deflected every insult of his circular pattern of conversation as if it were water on a ducks back. I felt my power return. He can fuck himself. Honestly, if he could fuck himself, he would probably never leave the house.
I have been involved with a narcissist for almost 3 years. It has been a miserable ride. But the way I love this man is something I have never felt before. I would have never put up with this type of behavior before. I have tried more times than I can count to get away. He will not let it happen. no contact just means find another way to contact me. I have not been strong enough to go thru the heartache of him being gone completely. I know and understand what he is, but no matter how angry and hurt I am, the only thing that takes it away is his way of showing me the love he knows I need to get me back. I did pretty good this last time. 3 weeks. Doesn’t sound like much but it was for me. It seems as though the hurt and anguish are just too much. The lies have been so severe that If I do make my way from him, I do not think I would ever have the capacity to trust anyone again. Even friends. I don’t think I could let anyone back into my life in that capacity.
Hello MBC0389, you are in the correct place to achieve your freedom. Read here and arrange a consultation with me.
MB0389
It sounds like you are stuck in a vortex right now wrestling with feelings about yourself and the N. If that is the case, you are in the right place and you are not alone.
This engagement and endless cycle of abuse with the N is not love. The intensity of feelings you experience in the N relationship are normal, but love is not the reason you stay – your emotional thinking is what stops you from closing the door.
Consultation with HG is definitely the holy grail but his books are brilliant also. If you have kindle, they are very affordable and an excellent gateway to the knowledge and understanding that will engage your logical thinking and help you take the next steps toward freedom.
You don’t need a man who offers you broken promises on a whim and let’s you down time and time again. If you use the best years of your life to fulfil his haphazard plans you will lose the opportunities that you deserve for yourself.
You’ve got this – read, consult, gain all the knowledge you can to (as HG would say weaponise yourself) and hit the eject button! We are here to support you and if you have your own back as well, you can’t lose.
Take care,
Sarah
Thank you Sarah…I have and continue to read anything I can to help me get to the point where I do not question what he is. Or question my attempts to get away. I have have some really bad things happen in the past 10 or so years and I am so tired of having to pick myself up and heal over and over. I feel like if I let go and it is the wrong decision, at this point in my life I will never have that love again. For me. I know its not really love for him, but it is so hard not to believe. I am going to keep trying, keep reading this site and taking in all the help I can from people like you that have been there. Thank you again. I will be reading and watching.
Mbc0389
I’m sorry but you will never have that love again if you stay with him either. It was manufactured and it has changed. You will only get glimpses of what was in order to keep you in the cycle of abuse. You have a far better chance of having happiness with someone else. Don’t let him eat into the time you have left by accepting fabricated toxicity presented as love. I’m glad you’re here. Keep reading.
I’m over the sadness, shock and misery. Sadness and shock were resolved by discovering HG’s work – and I only just ever had misery *within* the entanglement.
Even the anger has, mostly, fallen away.
So I checked relief, pride, concern and guilt.
Relief at understanding what happened and possessing the knowledge to never allow it to happen again.
Yes, pride at how I’ve coped, but mostly at how the legal aspect played out and being able to protect my child from the worst of the situation.
Concern over being able to trust again – you bet!
Guilt. There will always be some residual guilt.
Not listed: frustration. This is something I often feel when the people and services that are supposed to grasp abuse – and aid the people who have been subject to it – don’t really have an experiential understanding of narcissistic abuse.
OMG pressed all but one. ☹️. One or two feelings i used as a defence whilst in the relationship – like anger; i needed that otherwise he would have obliterated my self worth totally with his hideous comments. Others have surfaced during the bereavement and grieving process as more penny’s have dropped. However, i see all of it as a rite of passage. I have worked on each emotion and the why’s as i have gone along and if I hadn’t i dont think i would have recovered as well or be so prepared going forward.
I felt disbelief that one person could be so hurtful and cold and indifferent towards the feelings of another. [I often thought it was some kind of karma for leaving my dead 20-yr marriage.]
I clicked all but 2.
My life has been ripped to shreds.
What a horrible way to experience time with another person.
It is just too much! But more than anything, I didn’t just lose my lover. I lost my best friend. But hey, that was all a lie too.
So I guess I really lost nothing, but myself.
Ahhhh, S2bS, thats how i felt when the shock of what i had been involved in hit me. And that shock didnt come for a number of months so i had to start the proper grieving from that point. It’s sad and traumatic and even overwhelming ☹️ But be assured, (although it wont feel like it at the moment as it sounds by the way you are writing it is still very raw) going forward from the point of the shock of realisation, and ONLY from the info and support/shared experiences here on this site, i have put my experience and therefore my real self back together again, in its correct and enlightened format. And i feel a lot stronger from it, i feel like i really know myself now and am aware of what is going on around me. I understand that i could be snookered in again by a narcissist but i really cherish my ability to be the empathic person i am and am building on that. I am sure it can be the same for you. For me it was a day by day work and i am still working on it. I feel like i am earning my PhD in narcissism. !!
Very raw indeed.
Time is a precious gift to us all and I have no doubt that time will heal all.
Also, the empathetic heart is a fierce one! It bounces back again and again, without flaw.
I am worried that this time it won’t bounce back, but I KNOW that it will. It’s just that at the moment, it feels far away.
But not impossible!!! And when there’s hope, there’s happiness!
This site has been a blessing. I can read so much and not be criticized for it.
But have you noticed that now you spot the traits everyday. It’s as though, once you’ve seen….you can never un-see.
I was so much happier when I was so naive and playful! But I’m grateful for the information. It’s funny that it took me so long to find it all, when in hindsight, I can see that I’ve been around this condition all my life.
Strange! Like finally waking up to a new world that was always there, that I just couldn’t see.
Keep working on your PhD. And I will to 😉
Soon you can sparkle.
Soon, Lorelei! Thank you 🤗