How? Why? Who?


I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.

“But how could he do this to me after everything else? But why would he behave like this? But who would do such a thing as that? He said he loved me. I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”

I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.

Accordingly, when our devaluationΒ is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?

This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.

You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,

“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”

It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-

  • You must know what has happened and make sense of it
  • You want to make things right
  • You want the wonderful golden period again
All of this keeps you right besides us. Guess what? We dole out even more awful behaviour and it still does not make sense and you still do not go. We give you a glimpse of the golden period and your confusion increases. He does still love me I knew it. Then the door is slammed shut and you are left confused yet again but even worse this time, the brief return to the golden period has given you additional hope. You still do not go.
For once, rather than looking at it through your own eyes, consider it from our point of view. The devaluation does not come out of nowhere. It does to you but not to us. It happens because you are not giving us our fuel in the strength, quantity and frequency we demand. That is the logic behind our change in behaviour.
Why is it then that we are able to hurt you when we love you so much? Again, look at it through our eyes and the answer is straight forward. We never loved you. Accordingly, we are not affected by what appears (in your world) to be a hurtful and contradictory shift in our behaviour. Let me help you further. To us you are just an appliance. Initially because this appliance does what we want we look after it. We clean it, maintain it and take pride in it. Then it goes wrong. It is too much effort to try and repair it. We are horrible to you in order to make you work in a different way rather than trying to repair you to run as normal. Remember how people would slap the side of their television to make it work or give the washing machine a kick in the hope of causing it to run properly? You are just the same. You are an appliance and we give you a boot be it figurative or literal to make you provide us with fuel of a negative nature. We eventually get fed up that you are not working as we want you to so we chuck you on the scrap heap like so many discarded fridges, computers and washing machines. We have seen a new, shiny model which has attracted our attention instead.
So when you sit and wonder why this devaluation has happened, why our behaviour makes no sense and how can it be that someone who expresses such perfect love can be so hurtful, you know the answer. It makes no sense in your world but every sense in our world where you are just an appliance. Perhaps you had better start thinking about making some self-improvements and increasing your longevity yes?


20 thoughts on “How? Why? Who?

  1. FeelingFree says:

    I like your name, too, Soon to be sparkling. You are still deeply desperate with Emotional Thinking, so it will last until one of you dies. Believe me and believe HG. Without No Contact, your narcissist will prevent you from sparkling forever and it will always be “soon to be”. Please be better to yourself than he ever had been. πŸ™

    1. Soon to be sparkling! says:

      Thank you FeelingFree. πŸ€—

      I will always be driven and consumed by emotional thinking. I know that. I do.

      But I really don’t ever want to change. I can’t ever let him change me permanently. He doesn’t deserve to be able to do that to me. He can’t have that. He’s taken enough.

      I always bounce back to being happy, no matter how much I get hurt along the way.

      So I will be ok for sure. I’ll be as happy as I was before him in no time. I’m getting there every day! Quickly now too. πŸ™‚

      Who knew that a foreign adventure could do so much good???

      Empaths who are suffering, please change your ringtones and get yourselves in a totally different environment. It’s incredibly therapeutic!! It’s ripped my shackles from me!

      FeelingFree, he is NEVER COMING BACK INTO MY LIFE! It really does not matter how or when he tries to. I can’t live without the love he gave me and he has NONE that is genuine to give. I understand that part very clearly.

      It’s adios!

  2. Soon to be sparkling! says:

    Why? Why? Why?

    It is a bit strange because I genuinely had no idea why!

    Hrmm, but that was from my perspective.

    I have read so much on Narcissists now, that when I think back on countless situations, I can see things very, very differently.

    I get it. I know what I did wrong from his perspective.

    I can think of so many actions and words that would have wounded him. Hundreds of little things.


    From his perspective, I really was disapointing.

    It’s odd to sit here, with these thoughts and memories from another angle. I feel guilty actually.

    So, all that aside, I am astounded that he kept with me for as long as he did. He actually has some impressive staying power (again, when viewed from his perspective).

    I couldn’t have known. I do now. I feel like a bad person. I would do anything for anyone but I messed up with him over and over and over, even though he kept trying with me.

    I would have been DOOMED in the end with him anyway as happiness with them is unachievable, but I sure did speed things up with countless infractions.


    1. FeelingFree says:

      Soontobesparkling I know that feeling of guilt, but we are just authentic, aren’t we? We don’t plan our reactions, we just react emotionally. I do things differently now, because of HGs education, but I feel that’s rather exhausting, because it’s not the way I am.
      Patiently smiling instead of shouting “Stop lying at me you f****ing arshole” – that’s not me…. πŸ˜‰

      1. Soon to be sparkling! says:

        Hello FeelingFree πŸ€—

        I do so like your username!!

        I agree with you completely.

        I just act in the moment. I don’t premeditate anything that I say or generally do.

        A small example of many:

        On our break at work, a girlfriend asked me to make her a coffee as I was making one for myself. HE came into the room and I offered him one too.

        Now, since she had already requested one, I made hers and gave it to her first. His last.

        Now in truth…. I wanted to drop everything and make his first even over mine, but I didn’t want our workmates to know that we were sleeping together. So I knew it would have looked odd if I instantly responded to him as I truly wanted to.

        So he took offense at being served last.

        An infraction.

        But if only he knew that I wanted to serve him first.

        And so in hindsight, I did everything wrong, all the time.

        And now I know how often I hurt him and it hurts me that I did those things. If I had known such small things would hurt him, then I loved him enough that I would have rathered to walk on broken glass.

        How could someone who is not a narc have possibly known that such little actions could hurt them?

        Ignorance made me destroy what made me so incredibly happy and I can’t turn back the clock.

        Even if I could go back, I have read enough of HG’s books to know that I would have failed in the end anyway.

        Oh!!! But it could have stayed lovely for so much longer. 😣

        A few weeks ago that thought would have made me cry for days. It’s better now though. Being without him is starting to normalise for me now.

        He’s not for me. I am accepting that now with no tears.


        1. K says:

          Soon to be sparkling!
          “So he took offense at being served last.” (that was perceived as a criticism)

          Your statement reminded me of:

          And there are some nice examples of self-flagellation in your comment, as well (blaming yourself for the failure of your relationship).

          1. Soon to be sparkling! says:

            Hello K πŸ€—

            Yes I read this article and it alerted me to those times with my narc that were seen by him as a criticism that I had never thought of at all.

            I read that and then I could see many things from his perspective that I could relate to in a flash.

            I had never thought of the simple act of serving a coffee last, as an insult to him. I was busy being confused and trying to figure out the other cryptic and strange behaviours from him.

            So articles like those encourage me to view other (seemingly irrelevant) situations from his perspective and to have some reference points to what I did wrong (from his perspective). As my confusion all hailed from the fact that I thought that I had never done anything wrong. So why was I being devalued?

            These articles give me situations that make me understand why he changed towards me.

            Self flagulation on an emotional level is something I am very guilty of. I recognise that I do that. I don’t mean to.

            I should try to stop myself doing it, though I notice that it just happens. Often.


          2. K says:

            Soon to be sparkling!
            When you understand the narcissist’s POV, it all makes perfect sense. The devaluation, the push and pull behaviours, the future faking, toxic logic, etc. It’s a revelation and a relief. Everything is translated here so we are no longer confused and stuck.

            Don’t worry about the self-flagellation; it will resolve itself in time. The more we are aware of our behaviour, the more we can objectively observe it and change it. Just keep reading the articles so you can replace your emotional thinking with logic.


          3. Soon to be sparkling! says:

            Hi K! πŸ€—

            Exactly right. The more we learn, the better!

            The self blame is a a problem, but I’ve conquered worse! It seems minor, when I consider the whole, so I will get there for sure!

            Can I ever embrace critical thought? Now there’s a real challenge for me, as I always think, act and speak straight from the heart!

            But we’ll work on that one! 😘


          4. K says:

            Hello Soon to be sparkling!
            Healing and learning are incremental. Just keep reading and going forward and don’t let mistakes hold you back, mistakes are part of the process.


          5. Soon to be sparkling! says:

            Hello K! πŸ€—

            You are completely right!

            I will do so. I read all the articles every day, aswell as the books.

            I won’t let my mistakes hinder me. I know I’ll get there. It’s so hard though. All I want to do is contact mine. Lately, some days have been easy and I accept that it’s all in the past. Other days, like today, it’s all I can do to stop myself from pouring my heart out to him.

            It’s a daily roller coaster, that’s for sure. But ultimately what I want is endless love and I know that it doesn’t reside with him.

            I will get there though. I know I will.

            Has it been over for you for a long time? Or are you still mixed up with your Narcissist (s)?


          6. K says:

            Hello Soon to be sparkling!
            Reading the articles every day really helps with ET and NC. It’s very, very difficult in the beginning and there will be many, many ups and downs. Just pour your heart out here and don’t be surprised if you fall off the No Contact wagon; you just get right back on and keep going forward if you do.

            Sadly, endless love is not a possibility with him, although I wish it were possible for you and everyone else here. You will get there eventually though; it takes time and effort but you will make it.

            Thanks to HG and everyone here, I am low contact with my MMRN (we have a 9-year old daughter) and I am well into recovery, however, it was a roller coaster ride from hell. That won’t happen again, ever.


          7. Soon to be sparkling! says:

            Hello K! πŸ€—

            I’m glad to hear that you are low contact with yours and very sorry that you had to endure it with a child involved. I can’t imagine! You sound strong to make a stance under that kind of pressure! I hope you meet someone who is wonderful for you and your girl!

            Good for you for being low contact with him. Your statement that it won’t happen again, ever, is amazing! Sometimes I think that we subconsciously project the wrong desires and your resolve sounds firm!!

            I agree that this place is a solace for us all. It is great to pour it all out, without judgement. It helps! Though I do find myself hesitating (if you can believe it) often. I want to post on every article that hits a sore spot (almost all of them) but I find that it makes me feel emotional to write (and in doing so, relive) it. So I only post about 5% of how much I actually want to. It’s certainly a process.

            This place has switched my addiction from thinking about the narc every minute, to learning instead. I am no longer checking my phone every morning hoping there is a message from him. I know there won’t be and that’s ok! Now I check my emails every morning for new information about Narcissists! Arm thyself! He is replaced, like for like, with learning! That’s definitely a good thing!

            Everyday I affirm to myself the following; “I am not willing to want him”. It is surprisingly helpful and 50/50 it works! I’m aiming for 90/100!

            Warm wishes for you and your daughter K. We all deserve so much more than fraudulent love.


          8. K says:

            Hi Soon to be sparkling!
            Thank you, when children are involved it’s very difficult and children are hoover triggers so that can compound things quite a bit.

            There are many good reasons to stay on narcsite and one of those reasons is to make damn sure we never become romantically entangled with a narcissist ever again.

            Post on as many articles as you want. You have to process your feelings so you can move forward and the majority of people here have been through similar circumstances with narcissists and are non-judgmental and very understanding. In the beginning, you are working through the addiction and ever presence and replacing your addiction with reading and educating yourself about NPD is the way to go.

            We all deserve genuine love. Warm wishes to you and may your recovery be swift!


        2. Kim e says:

          Soon to be Sparkling.
          Baby steps. And never feel like you have failed if you have bad days. Go with it, pick yourself up and move on. A lot of us here have fallen over and over again but our fellow empaths pick us up and encourage us to keep moving. One day the light at the end of the tunnel will be behind you as you walk on into your new life.

          1. Soon to be sparkling! says:

            Hello Kim e πŸ€—

            Baby steps agreed.

            I am having really good days now and regardless of missing him, I do hope that it’s over for good.

            I suppose I won’t know unless he makes a contact attempt. Who knows when, but I hope I will be having a strong day when/if he does.

            I can’t wait to feel the light of a new life, with everything behind me! Sounds just perfect!


      2. Soon to be sparkling! says:

        Oh and I really was so lucky for the time that I had with him! We stayed in the lovely zone for a very very long time. Over a year and from what I read here, thats a pretty long time. I saw the way he would treat some others who weren’t so lucky.

        So I’m choosing to just try to think back on how lovely it all was, for so long and try to forget the devalue and discard stage.

        I don’t need to hold any bad memories in my personal thoughts anymore.

        Only the good and my god! Was it good!

        1. ThePolicyOfTruth says:

          STBS – you’re beating yourself up for no reason. The problem was not you. It was never you. Sure from a narcissist’s perspective the problem is always that of the other person, but I think you need to bear in mind that narcissism is a personality disorder.

          The clue is in the name there – disorder. Human beings by default are not meant to be narcissists.

          Giving someone else a cup of tea first is not wrong. It’s nothing, literally nothing.

          I understand how much you miss him. I miss mine too, so much, so so SO much, so I totally understand that, but you acting like a normal human being was never going to be acceptable to your ex narc, and that’s not your fault, because you’re not the one with the disorder.

          You can miss him, but don’t keep applying blame to yourself. You’ll only make yourself feel bad for things that you shouldn’t feel bad for.

          1. Soon to be sparkling! says:

            Hello TPOT πŸ€—

            I hear what you say and I do agree with all that you said.

            I accept that Narcissism is not in the natural order of a healthy life and that it’s a disorder and so I accept that no matter how hard I tried, that it would have been hopeless in the end anyway.

            I know it’s not my fault.

            But being of an empathetic nature, I love to please others. It is built in to me and the very thought of disapointing anyone gives me a degree of discomfort. Especially someone that I fell in love with.

            Just a cup of coffee, a small thing I know, but it really was my natural instinct to want to give to him first as I just adored him and I always thought of him unconsciously first and foremost, in every situation.

            Knowing what I know now, I have no misunderstanding that it did have to end. It had to. I suppose I just feel regret that the sweetness of it all could have lasted longer. Not unlike a great holiday when you wished you booked for a few extra nights.

            I do miss him. But not like I did before. In a very short time and with a big ‘out of character’ holiday he now seems far removed from me.

            I don’t feel the paralyzing agony, I don’t have the tears, the longing, the confusion, the hurt, the anger or the pain.

            All I really have now is the loss of what could have been if he and I were of different characters. I miss talking to my best friend, our conversations and I miss the touching and the cuddles and the closeness. I never allow myself much closeness with men for any reason and he just instantly sung to me.

            I miss that. I miss having that special someone to hear a good morning or a good night from. It’s just the little things now that I miss.

            I feel detached and untethered in almost every other way.

            I can’t picture his face so easily anymore and I deleted all images of him. I don’t check his Facebook at all now. I threw away all his gifts. I changed my ringtone. I have removed everything about him.

            It’s just a drifting moment in time now.

            I only hold some lovely memories. Just little things like the first kiss. The way he held my face in his hands and pressed his forehead against mine and held me there for so long. Just a few sweet moments that I keep for myself as I have never had such sweetness before and it’s hard to forget.

            I just remind myself as often as I can that maybe certain people are just meant for a different kinds of love. The love to and from my children for example. Maybe that’s the only way I’m meant to experience love and maybe that’s ok afterall.

            I was a good and fun mum and my kids really are the happiest and kindest people that I have ever met, so there’s something really special for me there.

            I think maybe I get so selfish sometimes and wish for more. For fireworks! For those romantic moments that I’ve read about since I was just a kid. I taught myself about love through books as they made me feel so happy and I knew that what I was reading was exactly the way I felt inside and was exactly right. There was no parental love, so books and movies showed me what it was meant to be.

            He gave me that and more. He was more romantic and sweet than any book I ever read. He was more than any romantic scene I ever saw or even heard about. I was swept away to a world I had always desired and never experienced.

            I am not often impressed by men, but the gentle way he spoke, the purr and the beautiful words and sentences appealed to every fibre of my being.

            He was and is purely unforgettable.

            Yes, I know it was all fake. But I loved believing it all. I have never felt so full.

            I just miss so much. But it’s not without a clear understanding of reality now. I needed reality.

            He can never care for me. That’s it and that’s all.

            I will never speak with him again. Regardless of which come back angle he attempts.

            He’s lost me and I do forgive him, but more importantly, I do forgive my self.

            And it’s ok.

            Sorry again to everyone for always spamming so much! It’s a thing! I know! I’ll work on that next πŸ˜‰

            & Thank you for your message. It really is incredible, what a kind sentiment from a stranger can do to ones spirits, when you didn’t have to do it in the first place. I appreciate it so much!!

            I hope you can heal from what has happened to you. And like me, you’re not alone now either. It’s nice that we can all find somewhere to be, to distract us all from where we were before.

            Thank you TPOT! Xoxo

  3. santaann1964 says:


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