Delivered By God

DELIVERED BY GOD

In one exchange with hissy fit Hannah, she of the perfectly poised potty mouth, I was blundering my way through the Madness of King George and my off kilter timing was causing her to explode once again. Her script had been thrown to the ground and the papers lay scattered. She was ramrod stiff and her tiny feet seemed nailed to the floor as they did not move. Instead, she seemed to move only from the ankle, the rest of her body in perfect alignment as she jolted from side to side. Her caustic tongue went into over time and I stood with a false perplexed look on my face conveying that I was mystified as to what was causing her such concern.

“You do this on purpose don’t you?” she accused. Those small round brown eyes glinted with the fury that coursed through her. I must admit, other than my own rage, I do not think that anybody who I have ever met has come anywhere near to the seething outrage that Hannah used to feel. Were it not for her magnanimous nature and her ability to take an interest in people you might have thought that she was one of my kind. She was very good at making people feel wanted. Notwithstanding her degree of fame, she made time for people and welcomed listening to them and asking about them. She actually preferred for people to talk about themselves rather her having to speak about herself. She took pride in the calibre of her performance, enjoyed the decent money she commanded as well but ultimately it was all about the performance. Something I could identify with.

“It is not difficult to do HG, it really is not,” she ranted “You used to be so damn good at doing this, much like everything else in our relationship. I don’t know what has happened to you, but you seem to have lost your sense of purpose. I admired you because you tackle everything head on and you are usually brilliant at everything you turn your hand to, but I am beginning to wonder if your power has peaked. Are you losing it? This is shambolic, you are useless, absolutely useless.”

She then descended into combining a thesaurus with profanity as she found every synonym she could for incompetence and interspersed these descriptions with a heavy serving of swear words. Her breath was coming in staccato bursts as she built herself into a frenzy, her cheeks reddening as her voice rose and rose.

“I really do have to ask, for what purpose God put you on this earth?”

Finally she stopped and she held my gaze. I could feel the fire ignite inside me as for once she had created the spark. The flames leapt into life, the heat surging upwards through me. She had questioned my purpose. She was challenging my existence. Who did she think she was? My eyes narrowed as I savoured the vitriol that now pumped through my body, the rising malice giving me power and reminding me that I am the supreme authority and she is but dust on the wind. Already the schemes of manipulation flickered through my racing my mind like a thousand screens showing trailers for the malevolence that would be unleashed on this thespian for her audacity in questioning my purpose.

I felt the words form in my throat and the anger came soaring with them as I strode up to her. She remained defiant, still in that strange stiff pose and she did not shirk despite the clear intent signalled by my rapid walk towards her. I thrust my face into hers, eyeball to eyeball and with incandescent rage burning through me I yelled into her face,

“I was invented by God to test your belief in him.”

She blinked once and then again. The edifice immediately cracked and came crashing down as she let out a howl of upset and her eyes filled with tears.

Nobody does rage like me.

Nobody delivers the final line like me.

Nobody questions my purpose.

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59 Comments

  1. What belief could test in someone like me dear Mr.HG? i operate from the stance “if god existes , i hop he has a good excuse”.
    credits to woody allen.

  2. You invented yourself. You chose to shut down your humanity as you couldn’t deal with your reality. Yet we’re the weak ones? The irony seems lost on you.

    1. Not quite right.

      I did not invent myself. Nor did I choose to “shut down my humanity” – there was no choice. It did not exist to begin with, owing to other factors.

          1. Dearest HG: You say you have ASPD. Will you tell me what you mean by that? According to what you have beyond NPD??? I mean I can look it up, but I have found for myself, that dealing with too many chefs have led me to bad info. Like when people think that a discard is final, and I learned from you that it is not usually the case. I have a relative with me right now for a while, and so I am having to hide that I use the computer site so much. it is in my best interest to keep this info to myself and not for my usage to be spread by her to the rest of my my family that live in order states. She would mean no harm, but she does not know about how her input is like being an informant. I control the info about myself to my immediate family as much as possible for my own well being. I, and now she, are the only ones in NY. I will keep checking in when I can. For about a month and then she will go to her new job. Also, I was reading an article that you just wrote about that PUA guy. And I remember, and I want to point out, in case he did not mention it, that many PUAs address women as, The Enemy. I hope you are well. ~~PSE

          2. Ok…so I’m learning. You had no choice in what you became. But do you have choice in how you act? Or are you solely driven by meeting needs? You don’t seem as vulnerable to narcissistic injury as others? What makes you different in that you can face your reality?

          3. I am pleased you are learning, this is the place to do it and one of the reasons for this place.

            Do I have a choice as to how I act? I must meet certain needs (which are different from yours) and in certain situations there may be a choice as to how that need is met. The need remains throughout.

            I do not like the term narcissistic injury, it is too long. Wounded is the term I use. I am wounded like any other narcissist, the difference is my response to it as I am far more evolved.

        1. Hello, Kate.
          Before finding HG, I learned that MRI scans are showing how the brain of a psychopath is actually different than that of a “normal” brain. If HG is a psychopath, his brain will actually show that he was born with a “non- normal” brain. One gentleman, can’t think of his name, didn’t know he was a psychopath until he did an MRI of his own brain. He then spoke to family and friends to discover more about his behavior that he didn’t fully grasp. Before HG, I was intrigued of the mind of serial killers. Are they born that way or made that way? Supposedly at 3 years old, Ted Bundy put knives in his aunt’s bed and he stood by the bed smiling. At that young age, he couldn’t make a fully informed decision so was he born that way or had he already experienced so much by then, if that story is true?
          As for defense mechanisms being established later than birth. Children of any age are not fully able to comprehend things outside their world. Normal childhood development includes children thinking that they have such impact on the world that they can control what happens to those in their world, thus why children think that they did something wrong when their parents divorce. Children need to have a sense of control but also know healthy boundaries to help them grow. Without any of those, children struggle. Young HG navigated through his world trying to figure out what works. Children in general do that, for example when children test the boundaries to see what happens. An individual is made to survive and will subconsciously find ways to survive and protect oneself when the environment does not allow for healthy growth. That is where defense mechanisms develop.
          Narcissists aren’t the only ones with them. Have you heard of DID? There have been shown correlation between those who have DID and childhood abuse. People do what they need to survive, even when they don’t know that they made that decision.

          1. Getting There: I read that book too. It’s
            “The Psychopath Inside: A Neuroscientist’s Personal Journey into the Dark Side of the Brain” by James H. Fallon. He discovered by accident that his brain scan was similar to those of psychopaths he was studying. He wondered why he hadn’t developed into a full-fledged psychopath, and theorized that a tight bond with his family, particularly his mother, who encouraged him to ACT with compassion, whether or not he felt it, allowed him to develop a kind of mortal litmus test: mother would approve of this, mother wouldn’t approve of that.

            Because he was able to earn the approval of someone who mattered, the physical potential for psychopathology never completely developed. Conversely, people who do not have the physical potential might be exposed to a family where approval cannot be earned–either everything they do is wrong, or they’re the Golden Child, and everything they do is right, or it’s all random and dependent on how drunk or psychotic the caregivers are at that moment–and never develop psychopathology, though they may have other psychological problems.

            What happens with people like HG is the perfect storm of physical predisposition and a morally random upbringing. His mother rips into him for his clothing choices, but doesn’t care that he tossed the neighbor’s kid into stinging nettles. He learns not to value her approval, but her disapproval triggers rage which he takes out on people who had nothing to do with it. He feels no compunction for the secretary he made cry or the girlfriend who twisted her ankle on the cobbles after he urged her to wear high heels, but there’s a thread of shame at letting his mother, whose opinion he knows to be worthless, still get to him. Not moral shame: intellectual shame. He’s smart enough to know better.

          2. HG has NPD not ASPD. Many children suffer trauma and don’t develop NPD. However, I recognise that some people may be biologically predisposed NPD.

          3. Thank you, Violetta! Yes, he also does Ted talks. It is fascinating how he discovered it by accident. He and HG appear to both understand that it is genetic and environment. Even with his loving environment, to a certain extent he still displayed the lack of empathy and desire to manipulate others before he saw his scan. He has added a third dimension to it by “will” and is currently working on making decisions that go against his psychopath nature. Sounds like someone else (HG).

            He tied his family back to Lizzie Bordon who people assume murdered her father and step mom. I am not convinced after watching a show on that. HG, have you tied your family back to anyone who has committed atrocious murders?

          4. Genealogy, HG. Have you discovered a genealogy link to anyone who has committed murder? To clarify further, murder does not equal self defense.

          5. Thank you for clarifying. Our family motto is Victory or Death, although sometimes I think it would be better described as Victory Through Death

          6. Thank you for sharing that, HG! You have the lineage. Are you connected to the founders of New Hampshire? It is not the say motto but similar.
            I should have removed killing due to fighting in a war, as well, unless the killing was due to circumstances other than the war.
            I wonder how your empath siblings would restate the same family motto. Do you notice if your nephews/nieces have taken after you being a psychopath narcissist?

          7. Hi getting there…its funny you should mention lizzie borden bc she is in my ancestry 😱 thru my mothers side.
            I find her story fascinating. I do think she murdered or had help murdering her father and stepmother. She was a lesbian(dated actresses) and back then if you didnt marry you either joined church work or remained a spinster with your family. There was changes to her fathers will which threatened lizzies inheritance. She also had a taste of the good life and wanted more but her father was a penny pincher and made her live below their means. Their rich relatives lived wealthy and this was a constant contrast.
            Theres a lot of interesting info thru the fall river museum and books you can buy.
            I do think she was a narcissist/psychopath. I also suspect her father was a large reason for that. He was abusive emitionally. He killed her most beloved pidgeons and made her eat them for dinner. Her sister emma knew all the secrets to that family and only divulged them to a priest.
            On a side note her home she purchased after being acquitted of the murders is a bed and breakfast, maplecroft. Also the home the murders took place is a b&b as well.

          8. These brain scans can read how they are expected to read. A self fulfilling loop. That is why the Doctors have to ask you so many many many questions. Because you are basically diagnosing what is wrong with you, in certain respects. Many Doctors have no gift to intuit, unfortunately. These days many are just bookish. And the politics of these medical schools and whom will be admitted. Politics. Many Doctors tell and observe as a whole in this profession. The Doctors tell a story and observe how many will believe it. If most people go for it, it’s a go. Conferences. It then becomes formalized. Until the lawsuits occur or people start rebelling or rejecting, or melting away from them. Many Doctors largely want people to think they know more than they do. It is self preservation for them and shame and pride. Shame in how little they know. And pride in being in a respected profession. It is a form of conflict of interest. And it is pretty much just a business now that needs people to not become well. And the drugs. Drugs, Drugs, Drugs. Wellness is bad for business. All Doctors, the good ones, believe in God. Even Darwin admitted he was wrong. And believed in God, and he was told to shut up. That it was too late for him to speak up and his theory was going to be promoted and the theory of evolution train had left the station. And he was threatened. True story. He was shut down, when he said he was mistaken and that he had taken on too small a sample size. He was told to shut up His faulty theory was a go. I always ask Doctors if they believe in God and then observe how they respond to me. It is interesting. They know that the mind is terrifically vast. It contains worlds and is largely not understood. And largely not understood beyond a brute level. The best Doctors know they have been given a gift. And they can intuit accurately, as well. The other Doctors, well….all I can do is shudder. Business. And cancel any scheduled appointments with them and keep searching for a better one, if necessary, depending on the matter at hand. DNA, Fingerprints, Polygraphs, MRIs. etc. and all of this stuff has caused a lot of problems because of the alarming loop of faulty self fulfilling readings that often pass as a decisive fact.

          9. Hi, Chihuahuamum.
            Thank you so much for sharing that! She would be an interesting ancestor to have.
            I hadn’t heard some of those factors. The show (I wish I could remember the name) looked at the possibility of other suspects. One was her uncle who was there discussing plans with the father and step mom, I think the night before, and he was supposedly not happy. Her sister, although in another town but possibly close enough to make it to kill them and back, was in the same predicament as Lizzie with the money. There was something else about the sister that upheld her as a possible suspect in my mind. The issue of the blood splatter fed into my doubt of Lizzie’s guilt. Maybe she had help as you suggested by the maid who said she heard nothing. That is horrible what her father did! It sounded like her step mom wasn’t a loving motherly figure for her. Now I do want to read more; thank you! Have you had the opportunity to stay at either B&B? B&Bs are great, especially with interesting history! If one of them is haunted, I think I know a future vacation. LOL

          10. That was great to read, PSE! I agree polygraphs, fingerprints, and to some extent MRIs. I have not heard how DNA may be included in that group.
            Polygraphs are no longer admissible in some courts due to the faults within them. People who believe their lies can pass them; people who are anxious due to the situation can fail them. Fingerprints have shown to be not as helpful in cases due to the wear on the finger and the fact that the way fingerprints are taken do not always match how we use our fingers. It is sad to think of all who have been put to death in the death penalty or in jail for life for crimes they didn’t commit but was the basis of these two sources of evidence, or even eye witness accounts which are faulty.
            MRIs are extremely helpful but there are definitely parts of the body, like the brain, which is new to study in science and doctors don’t always understand what they are seeing. I have has the opportunity to get to know some great neurologists and they are the first to admit that their field is still growing in knowledge.
            I like how the medical field is called “practicing medicine.” I know some really great doctors and then I know the ones who think they are God and don’t need you in the room describing your symptoms for them to diagnose. I love the show “Chasing the Cure” which shows the medical field trying to work through the data and assistance of others to help people get a diagnosis. That is how I like to think of the good ones: listening to patient, listening to others with other expertise, looking at evidence, providing help.

          11. I thought people who weren’t narcs were empaths, but apparently there are normals. What’s different about empath brain scans? I had serious synesthesia when I was a kid, even wondered how other kids could respond so tamely to music that overwhelmed me with taste and color. The synesthesia faded with adolescence, but I still experience music with an intensity I can’t describe. “Enter Sandman” and “Falling to Pieces” had me choreographing free skate routines with jumps and spins in my head, and I can barely do crossovers.

          12. Thank you, HG. I wonder if the family lineage of this will stop with you or if there is a potential of skipping generations.

            Violetta, your question inspired me to do a very quick look at what information is out there regarding scans of empaths. Interestingly I found that scans of those rated high on narcissist scale have shown a difference. For empaths it appears, with my very limited review of the available information, shows that scans of empathy is divided into two categories in scans: empathic care and empathic distress. I plan on further looking at this research only to see how they recruited individuals knowing that some who seem to be empaths are not. I don’t know if that plays a role in that research. There was a study done by Southern Methodist University that apparently found that individuals who had higher empathy processed music differently using scans.
            Music is something that has spoken to me and my emotions throughout my life. I have certain artists’ music who can calm me down and certain artists’ music who can have the opposite effect when I need it. When I first started on this page, I thought part of my narcissistic traits was the use of music as I would send songs to help express my feelings as I felt those songs were so connected to my thoughts and feelings.

  3. HG I’m restless in bed for hours because my brain is a mess.
    Last night I thought “HG is my God and he’ll protect me” and I fell asleep right away and slept for 8hrs 33min 🙌

  4. When I read these kinds of articles, that is, HG telling us about an exchange with a girlfriend etc, I am starting to see HG as two different people.

    HG.1. is the narrator who is truthful and logical. He’s the one who explains things in a non-grandiose and thorough way. He’s the one who answers our questions and protects and helps us by giving us information and constructive advice.

    Then there’s HG.2. This HG is the one who pretends and manipulates in relationships. This HG is not trustworthy and is very grandiose, controlling and deceptive. He is the smiling assassin and thinks he knows what God is doing and why.

    The two HGs are very different.

    I am thankful to HG.1. for the clarity of his articles and his helpfulness. He indeed has a great purpose.

    HG.2. … not so much.

    1. Fair comment.

      HG1 is who you interact with on this blog and in consultation.

      HG2 is the one who interacts with intimate partners in real life.

      HG3 is the one you will get to learn about through further writing.

      1. HG3?! You mean there’s another one? God help us! 😂

        That sounds intriguing HG. I’m looking forward to seeing what you mean.

          1. If it’s anything like your work so far HG, I’m sure it will be very interesting indeed.

  5. “Nobody does rage like me.
    Nobody delivers the final line like me.
    Nobody questions my purpose.”

    Wow, grandiose much?

    I can see the grandiosity and manipulation clearly on HG’s part in this exchange.

    Hannah became angry and yes, she got to the point of “seething rage” as well. All humans are capable of that. Being with a narcissist will do that to you. She used profanity when she was angry. All humans do, more or less. Again, being with a narcissist will do that to you.

    But did she deliberately and knowingly manipulate and then feel delighted at her partner’s annoyance? Did she deliberately pretend to trick or gaslight people and was then proud of it? Did she start a relationship with lies, entrapping someone by creating a false facade?

    I don’t think so, going by this article. She was truthful and consistent, even in her anger and profanity.

  6. HG you really showed her who’s boss!
    Honestly if somebody spoke like that to me I would burst and call.them every bad name under the sun. How long did this relationship last yikes!

  7. “I was invented by God to test your belief in him.”

    HG, your purpose is far greater than this, I am certain. We, here, are all glad you were born.

  8. This has brought back some memories tonight.

    I had a friend, much like your ‘Hannah’. I could have sworn she was a narc. She certainly did some odd things (she once punched my ex in a taxi queue many years ago. Never did find out what that was about.)

    My friend was incredibly good at her job and I was very proud of her. I really did love her and when we met up, she did have a knack of making people feel special. Friend and I fell out in a pretty massive way. In fact, thinking about it, I do wonder if another friend was manipulating her. That wouldn’t surprise me as friend could say some outrageous things and really believe them.

    It all revolves around an email that the mutual sent to me, ostensibly on behalf of the whole friendship group but was written by JUST the mutual. It was a deeply distressing read showing a stunning lack of affectiver empathy. Cut a long story short, I turned my back on the whole group as it was clear that my Ex’#s fuel matrix was far deeper in that group than I expected.

    A phone call occurs between the friend and I on the day of my suicide (after). She is shrieking at me, crying hysterically (I am at this point wondering who has just tried to end their life here.) I cant get a word in edgeways. I’m told this is all my fault and if I would just admit it, they would help.

    Answer. Fuck. Off. She was fucking lucky that was all I said.

    My other friend jumps in to support the mutual and I’m rather afraid I rottweiler-ed her. But was |I right to?

    I don’t know now. What had she been told? What did she know? I knew that the mutual was very very frightened. If I had died that email would’ve come out and presented at the inquest. Her reputation might have been ruined.

    Past history. If anyone did try to get in touch (one has several times) then I would be polite and cordial but I can’t trust any of them now. Not one of them really helped me after my breakdown. The email simply sealed the deal. They were not my friends. I heard that also via my brother from the ex. I defended them to him but another ex had also said the same thing. I also defended them. I wish I hadn’t bothered.

    I’m off to have a cry. I did love them all and they were a big part of my life for over 20 years.

    1. Renarde,

      Thank you for your honest comment. I am very sorry to hear that you attempted to take your own life. That is heartbreaking. I hope you are in a much better frame of mind now.

      It’s sad when you look back over many years of your life and realise that your feelings about people were based on perceptions that weren’t what you thought they were. Past history is not just a passing thought. It creates who we are and the substance of what our lives are. It’s devastating when your past history is very different to what you thought it was. To me, it feels like a loss and makes me question everything.

      If you reframe your memories though, you can focus on the fact that you did love them. That says a lot about you. You weren’t motivated to hurt your friends, so that means you were a valuable friend to have. You were a worthy friend and through their actions, they lost you.

      1. Thanks WiserNow. I appreciate it.

        Not everyone in that group was bad. Some were easily led. Others held more sway (such as the mutual).

        I remember how that email started,

        ‘Now Ren, I’ve always been very kind to you.’

        WTAF?

        So others weren’t then? Ta for that. I’d suspected that I was a figure of fun for some time. So yeah, the email was just the last thing.

        It all comes out. After 2015 and then an appalling group WhatsApp chat over Brexit, I didnt really bother wanting to meet up. Too much hassle when I was a single mum.

        Anyway, thank you for your kind words. I’m not angry at them but I am disappointed in both themselves and me. I should have had this out with the mutual years ago. From time to time I did try to talk but she was very good at shutting me down. I just needed to pull myself together, get a job (no, not writing), go back to my old profession (did she listen to ANYTHING I said?)

        The email ends that ‘Pull yourself together and get back to that funny girl we all know and love’

        Of course! How stupid of me! My only value, to make them laugh! Not my mental health or sanity.

        Anyway, I know what she really fears because she actually wrote it down. She really fears exposure. Being denounced publically.

        How interesting!

  9. Also HG i know youre not a believer in god but you were put here for a reason and it wasnt to be hated or feared. Your work shows this and i think indirectly has been therapeutic to you. I know nonbelievers will roll their eyes but god loves all including you HG 🤗

  10. Admired your writing on this very much although it ended too soon. As far as testing our faith, I was consumed with the devil for awhile, but prayed for help. HG you must be here to help us find our way back home to God.

  11. That sounds like an exhilarating exchange. I’m surprised your fury did not ignite when she called you useless. I think her anger and potty mouth matches mine.

  12. Really enjoying the new material HG!
    I can understand hannahs frusteration on many levels.
    My daughter was in music learning piano and i was helping her. I dont play piano but this was a parent child class in her younger years. She has ADD and i would get so upset when first fighting with her to practice then her not being able to focus and becoming defiant. It really angered me and got to a point i realised it was doing harm to her self confidance and our mother daughter bond so we dropped the classes. It wasnt her thing and that was ok.
    Another instance i remember intense rage moreso was as a child. I had neighbor friends. One in particular would always sabatoge any playdates i had and walk off with the friend id be spending time with. I remember being in the backyard and she showed up and convinced the friend i was with to go to her house. I remember feeling rage ive never felt before and i lost it. I was in a screaming fit. My mother came out in shock as to what was going on. I look back at that and realise as an adult now back then i had a lot of pent up anger, fear and stress over my parents marital problems and seperation. I also had abandonment issues. Anger is linked to fear and insecurity.
    I can sympathise with both you. I think for you HG hannah hit a nerve bc your mother had diminished your self worth and your importance in life by making it conditional on your performance in school and sports etc. She never showed you your true worth as a human being of just being you and being unconditionally loved. Hannah opened that wound by questioning your self worth. She knew how to get back at you.
    For hannah i also can relate bc my narc has done gaslighing like this faking not remembering important things weve discussed or intentionally getting wrong what wed talked about in order to diminish its importance to him. I know its been intentional bc hes got a crazy accurate memory to the point ive relied on it and asked him things i dont remember.
    Hannahs performance wouldve had stress centered around it and she knew you were really good to practice lines with and then you became crud at it. She wouldve known it was an attempt to sabatoge her practice time and performance which wouldve been so infuriating. She shouldve calmed down and found someone new to help her with her lines.

  13. Why the need to be so hateful to others, nobody is greater or less than we are all the inperfect children of God

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