Poll : Retaliation Against The Narcissist

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Now, as you all know, you are the crazy one in this dynamic. After all, we invariably smear you to other people labelling you as a lunatic abuser or we tell the new prospect we are seducing that the ex is a psycho. Most of the time these are lies, concocted to serve our purposes but sometimes you do unleash the crazy as a consequence of having been pushed over the line by our manipulation of you.

If you have retaliated against the narcissist or narcissists, how did his manifest? I am not referring to kicking the narcissist out of the house, going no contact, giving the narcissist a dressing down, exposing the narcissist’s behaviour to family and friends, shopping the narcissist to the police, instigating divorce proceedings or similar. Whilst those are all acts of retaliation they are among the more common responses to how we have treated you.

Instead, we are looking at acts of retaliation that are beyond those. Acts which ordinarily you would never engage in as to do so would be contrary to your morals and usual behaviour but on this occasion you just lost it and retaliated.

Perhaps you decided to cheat on the narcissist after learning about his or her serial affairs? Maybe you took the scissors to the wardrobe or smashed up the Lord of the Rings porcelain collection? Possibly you went berserk and physically attacked the narcissist? Was it the case that you decided to cause major inconvenience to the narcissist by letting down all the tyres on his or her car, putting glue in the door locks or hiding important documentation in a hole in the garden? Perhaps you went into overdrive posting a frenzy of pictures and comments all over the narcissist’s social media pages and your own? Did you go on a spending spree using the narcissist’s money or steal away some possessions for your own use? Maybe you signed the narcissist up to easywhores.com or bigassdildolovers.com or sissyknickers.com ? What was your act of retaliation when you finally had had enough? You may choose as many as are applicable before you cast your vote and as usual do expand on your experiences in the comments section.

Thank you for participating.

 

What was your act of retaliation against the narcissist?

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159 Comments

  1. HG how come mids don’t pick up on you’re body language and facial expressions? Eg when you’re clearly grossed out and creeped out by them and it’s blatant that you flinch if they come to close whilst pulling a really sour disgusted looking face at them. You’re blunt and yet they still keep coming back for more attempts to be your friend even several times in the same day.

    Ewwwwwwy

  2. Oh God. So yes, I retaliated last night. I was fucking fuming at what a woman who I had called a close friend did.

    Background: I consistently went way over what I needed to do/be as friends to this woman. She a tricky in the sense shes a lazy fuck. I didnt necessarily notice this at first.

    As I became utterly mired in the circumstances surrounding my ex and my children, I did notice her just simply not being there for me. I noticed it from time to time but didnt react.

    However as more time went on it was becoming more and more obvious. Every now and again I would look her up on FB and gaze at the picture of that couple. Where they both norms, or E and N? But which is which? Tempting to assume it’s the male. But again as time went on I was not sure on that. Problem was of course, female had a very good grasp of cognitive empathy.

    Last night, lost it. She posted a picture of a battered door saying this is what DA looks like. Woman does like her memes. Red flag.

    How hypocritical? So-called virtue signalling. Whilst one of her closest friends was suffering. She knew damn well where I’ve been taking my work as I’ve not stopped posting about it. But she never commented. At all. So yes, last night, after months of wondering about her, I snapped. And she got it. I do not regret this.

    So, here’s the thing. How did she respond to my blitzkrieg? Here’s what I think all the schools would do.

    Normal – would be affronted but would also wonder why I’d said what I did. They would reach out sensing the anger. It might not he a pretty convo but it would he an honest one.

    Lesser – Would immediately have their fury ignited. An argument would start in the thread.

    Middle – Have enough cognitive understanding to know theyve been caught out. Red handed. They would slink away. They cannot challenge a fact which is now so wide out in the open without looking like an idiot.

    Greater – They would be calming, charming and reassuring. Invite further discourse. Apologise and remove the post. Get the NISS plugged back in. Probably to devalue further down the line.

    Empath – Highly unlikely an E would misstep in this way but expect lots of emotion. Tears etc. Frantic phone calls.

    So what did she do…hmm…

    She slunk away. Has blocked me. A friend of 16 years. Did I deserve the blocking? Probably. Did I deserve a better friend? Definitely. But there always was a very strong whiff of victim about her. Plus sheer laziness. It was more often than not me and my children that would drive to see her.

    So….quite rare. An Upper Middle. Somatic.

  3. Ok. Here’s mine.

    But it needs to be taken in context of awareness. My early forays were driven out of pure Contagion. Instinct. Looking back on it, I’m surprised I got as far as I did. But I did. Unfortunately by doing so, I signalled my ET to Others. It would’ve been better for me to have hid what I did.

    Two men. Both probably middles. The first. He became terrified of exposure. I didnt want to but there was a caveat. Stop hunting vulnerable women. Get your sorry ass of this media platform, never show your face in the community and you wont be exposed. I won that one but only in so much as I’d probably driven him underground.

    The second was a very big misstep on my behalf. Not because I did THOROUGHLY expose him in a very closed community but because I signalled to others that my ET and ER was pretty much out of control. That opened the door to an even bigger predator who then used this information against me. One who was in control of his ET and ER.

    Retaliation. It’s a powerful concept. Getting one over on the person who has, in many cases, come close to utterly destroying you.

    In most cases, the only solution is to live well. That will deter alot. Not all. But enough.

    I think maybe, there isn’t anything actually wrong in seeking justice, in whatever form that might take. But really I think, we should let the heat flow from the situation. Finally, after the pain, heartache and hurt have dimmed, then we are in a better position to deal out retribution.

    Now that I am aware, well I mustn’t reveal all my secrets but much like HG, I too have a grand plan. Plans actually.

  4. I checked ‘never considered retaliating’…although I did things – unintentionally – that caused problems for my narcissist.
    There was one small thing though that I did do intentionally. It was during a series of communications that were in effort to coordinate something very simple – and my lawyer was mediating the email exchanges and was, therefore, cc’d on everything.
    Once, just once – out of pure frustration – I listed my narcissist’s responses in a numbered format and labelled them, one by one, what they were. For example; 1. Plea for sympathy, 2. Distraction from the matter at hand…etc…oh, I did thank him for the one point out of a dozen points that actually moved the issue at hand forward.

    Haha – he emailed me back shortly and directly, without cc’ing my lawyer, and stated: You are persona non grata to me.

    I have to say that it I did get a bit of satisfaction out of it and sent his response to my lawyer. The other amusing thing was, at the time, I had just discovered HG and couldn’t help thinking; do all narcissist’s use latin?

        1. Which is then hijacked by your emotional thinking. Justice is an empathic trait. Your ET hijacks it and makes you think you are doing something logical (evidence by what you have written AM) when it is not. Why is it not? It offend the First Golden Rule of Freedom which is founded on logic. It also means you will be impaled on The Devil´s Pitchfork.

          1. The best revenge is wounding. Living your life fully. He will see that he wasn’t able to take your spirit and he will see that he doesn’t have any power greater than your power to love yourself. Work on getting him out of your mind. He doesn’t deserve to be there. It will not happen overnight. Be patient with yourself. But you will get there.

          2. I try to be patient, but time goes and I feel worst every day. I cry every day. He was a son for me.

          3. Hi Antonella, I’m very sorry for what you are going through. I have a son too and I know that it will absolutely break my heart if I lose him to narcissism and to know that he will not be able to love me and his dad and sister as much as we love him. I have thought about how I would deal with it if my situation is similar and I think that my most honest guess is that I will set the ‘idea of my ideal son’ free. I will try my best to accept that even though he cannot love me, I can always love him still even if it might be from a distance if he becomes abusive. I will surrender what I wanted him to be and accept that he is a unique individual and that he happens to be a narcissist. I will always wish him well because he is my son and I will always love him and pray for him even if we may never interact as much as I want and in ways that I want. We are all free to deal with it differently as I don’t see any right or wrong way to deal with such a difficult circumstance. But we cannot stop loving ourselves and our lives. It will not help your son in any way if you stop living your life with peace and love for yourself.

          4. AM

            Just seen this exchange. You’re not dead lovely but you are in pain. Don’t start shooting the handsome devil here – he is the messenger.

            Do you feel like you can share?

          5. This pain will never end. Probably I will feel less waiting some years but it always be present. Because it’s my pain, that I meet a son but he didn’t wanted me. For me he was the dream of a son. He is a writer, too.

          6. AM

            I wasnt quite with you lovely. Now I am.

            I’m so sorry. I truly am. My immediate advice is just dont leave a negative review. If your son is a narc, it will only feed into the smear narrative. Yes, he will know its you. It’s very difficult to write in another voice.

            I think you need a consult here. I’d recommend the audio.

            Also, we are here. OK? There are lots of wise heads.

            No, the pain wont end but it can be managed. I promise you.

          7. I just asked him a little love, and he hoovered me. Nothing else, just a little of love, of true love. Did I ask him too much?

          8. AM Only just seen this.

            No, you didnt ask to much.

            I find it helpful to channel my love into other concerns. It’s not the same. I’m not as bad as I was with the crying but I’m getting there.

            I have lovely supportive people around me who have never given up on me. Even when I’ve behaved like a brat.

            Have you found your tribe?

            And hugs. I know how you feel.

          9. Thank you Renarde. Really thanks. Hugs too. I have someone near me. But sometimes sadness is too much that I take all inside me or I just cry or I write in my blog

  5. I should write a negative review of his book. I will write just the truth. This could be right little revenge.

    1. Well if you must, you must. Be warned that I will read it and I will challenge it if necessary.

      Save your energy and just let it out. It will be OK? OK?

  6. I legitimately just totally annihilated a female narcissist’s ambitions for something she wants professionally. You would be so proud of the brilliance deployed in my efforts. I even used lieutenants but I’ll leave it at that. It’s my most awesome anti-social work of the year! My efforts are for the greater good as it saves people from the potential of misery associated with working for her. The stars really aligned to make this beautiful. Does this change my empath score? God it is good to nail these assholes when it serves a purpose.

    1. I don’t know what’s gone down Lorelei but that sounds very cool and groovy.

      Empath score: Eleventy-billion!

      Always nail the assholes but remember Ren’s Golden Rule: Don’t get fucking caught!

      1. It wasn’t even me plotting Renarde. It was like I was handed an opportunity to nail someone who deserved it and I killed it HG style—innocently so even better. I’ll never tell. HG says we suck at this stuff but sometimes even the special kids win a race.

        1. Lorelei

          Still brilliant as you needed to be aware enough to seize the moment. Kudos!

          We do largely suck at it. That’s because Narcs are either consciously or largely unconsciously attempting to bring order to a chaotic system. Who brings the chaos? Yup. Its largely us.

          And yes. We are VERY special.

          1. True Renarde—I would not have seized the moment at all without knowing what she is. Interestingly after I posted back to your original response more was revealed about her behavior. She’s a problem. Basically I secured some money & loyalty doing what I did. She got shut down on trying to seduce someone. It’s hilarious but she’s still an issue. Best to ignore her completely now—but she put money in my pocket and has no idea (nor will she) of what was done. It was exquisite.

          2. Lorelei

            I’d like to say I’m surprised that more info was revealed after our interaction but I’m not frankly. Not at the moment.

            Hope you are ok.

          3. Yes I’m fabulous, I’m done working for nearly three weeks—headed off to see Joseph & The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat at this very moment with my son!

          4. Renarde—it was a disappointing performance overall but my son is too young to realize! Generally the venue is known for excellence but this was an overall flop!

  7. OMG when I read this blog I laughed so hard until the tears came!!! JUST PICTURE THESE RETALIATIONS!!!

    1. My Retaliation….
      After trying to implement HG’s GOSO rule….I still fell weak to my narc’s many attempts to contact me through different phone numbers. I even let him get close to me again and we became intimate once more. He smeared me, lied on me, cheated on me, had me waiting in my car, in parking lots for him while he went up to have sex with other women unbeknownst to me bc he is in the music industry and was so call conducting business with beat makers. He turned on me in less than 24 hours after he spent the night with me this past Saturday. I had enough and I made his life literally a living hell!!! Yesterday we decided to just go our separate ways forever. And this is why. It’s because I retaliated and it almost cost him his life…

      – I gave him a new iPhone weeks ago and immediately after he switched his information to the new phone I had sex with him and stole his old phone (he didn’t realize till the next afternoon that it was gone), I sat back and watched him rip the whole house apart but I had the phone tucked away under the spare tire in my trunk. I figured out the Password, I had watched his FB messenger, Instagram and other social media apps for weeks. And found out some of the most nasty, horrific things that he was doing sexually with at least 35 different women (currently) and underaged girls (10yrs ago)

      -I took the information I got from the phone and I contacted at least four different women and I pretended to be one of them and turned them all against each other as well as exposing him and they all turned on him too.

      -I contacted one woman that he had pick to him up from my house and I contacted her fiance that just got out of prison and told him about her cheating while he was in prison with my narc years before I met the narc ( bc he told me) which led to my narc almost losing his life 2 days ago.

      I believe HG when he says there’s no such thing is the final discard that there’s only disengagement… But I’m a little iffy about this one, because he might really be done with me forever!!!! I was an empath on a Warpath!

      1. Teah Brandell

        “And found out some of the most nasty, horrific things that he was doing sexually with at least 35 different women (currently) and underaged girls (10yrs ago)”

        The time limit on the fact that a man who you were involved with is irrelevant.

        If you have evidence that this man is abusing underage girls, who cannot consent due to their age, then this information needs to be in the hands of the police. No question.

        Report it.

        1. They were 15, and 16 ten years ago and now 25 and 26. I watched his messenger as he conversed with them when I had access to his account. He is still trying to sleep with one of them and she is consenting but distance is a factor. He won’t have sex with the other bc I watched a convo between them and he’s heard of her having HIV but still receiving nudes from her (nasty AF). However, the question was raised as such to both “it’s been about 10yrs now since we had sex… You were about 18 at that time, right?”…… Both said “no, you were 31 and I was 15, 16”. They all seemed to think it was funny, so I didn’t bother. I let him know that I knew what he did when I wreaked havoc on him.

          1. Yeah. I get you. But this is wrong. Leopards do not change their spots. He clearly has a liking for the underage.

            Report him. Immediately. Think of the other girls out there. One of them could be my daughter. Regardless. They are all someone’s daughter. Be an ally.

          2. I know Pati.

            Hopefully, she will fo the right thing. Who know how many others have also reported him? Joining the dots.

          3. Already done ladies. Can’t go into much more detail, but it’s already done…. I found out some more stuff.

  8. We did experiments related to immune system and nutrition. We had several lab rats/mice and had proven that our advanced form of nutrition does in fact extend longevity of life and delays aging, all very complicated and exciting. So when I caught him sneaking out after I went to sleep and come home before I awakened progressed to staying away until following afternoons, I packed my bags and secured a motel until flight back to USA could be obtained, I seriously considered feeding the lab rats Decon rat poison. It was really just a brief musing that I could not see myself being responsible for or degrade myself with. I prefered letting living well be my best revenge.

  9. My answer was Never Considered Retaliation because once I cut off the connection I usually don’t like to look back, unless I end up crossing paths and have to defend myself or others against them. I do not like to plot against anyone because my guilt will eventually kick in and I feel things very intensely so I try not to think of negative things and try to look forward to more positive things ahead of me for my own good. The only time that I went against my morals was when I was 16 and I caught the brother of our landlord watching me as I was taking a shower through the exhaust window. I probably felt rage or fury. I confronted him and his wife and told his wife (although in an emotional manner) that he watched me and he denied it and his wife’s face got me even angrier because she looked like she didn’t care if I was telling the truth or not, she didn’t want to know. My mom already had a made up complaint against him that he entered our house and stole stuff but her story was so badly made that nobody has paid attention to it and that pervert just laughed it off and said that she’s just crazy. In my home country, there was no legal action available against a peeping Tom but I felt that he violated me. I also know that he raped his maid and may have also been a pervert to other women based on what his maid told me so I didn’t think he had any redeeming value and I felt that somebody had to teach him a lesson. So I decided to make her story more believable and supported it with pieces of evidence that I just linked to the story but they were really not related. The police believed me to my surprise and even the judge who was screening complaints decided that my story had merit and it was going to be advanced to the court. His sister visited us to our new apartment and brought a fancy cake and begged us to drop the case and offered to pay money. I told my mom I will drop the case and she could take the cake and money as I wasn’t interested in any of it. At that time I wasn’t angry anymore and I felt that I already gave him a lesson and I wasn’t sure if I will be able to pull it off during the trial and I was afraid it might backfire against me.

    With my MR sister, I didn’t think of retaliation after disengagement but while I was in the thick of my entanglement with her, I caused a lot of inconvenience to her by voting against her all the time regarding our inheritance so she wasn’t able to have a decision win regarding the estate and she also wasn’t able to get the stuff that she and our brother both wanted because I always voted with him. I was just a constant pain in her butt and I had fun doing it but I didn’t have any desire to destroy her as she will always be my blood. I was the same way with my stepdaughters, just a pain in their butt. I don’t want anything bad towards them because they are my husband’s daughters and my children’s sisters. I just want to stay away.

  10. I sent my Mid-Range victim narc’s wife a copy of all the seduction letters that he sent me in all their pathetic, gushing, embarrassing detail. I pressed send, then blocked every channel of contact and have gone dark; he’ll never find me again. I’m so happy I did it. I’ll never know what happened in the hours and days and months and even years after I dropped that bomb but I relish in imagining any pain of having his facade ripped off abruptly. I’m actually proud of myself for being brave enough to stick up for myself by doing so, and then stick to absolute no contact. Old me would have felt too guilty to do something like that and wanted to protect him… healthy me is strong and doesn’t give a f***. The final act of revenge helped me move on.

    1. Good on you! You hurt a women who didn’t need to be hurt! How excellent!

      You certainly didn’t hurt him.

      #sorrynotsorry

      1. Renarde
        Good on you! You hurt a women who didn’t need to be hurt! How excellent!

        You certainly didn’t hurt him.

        I thought numerous times about doing the same thing that dumpster fire did and contacting the IPPS. But in the end decided either:
        1. She already knew
        2. She was already in hell.

        But I did notice that dumpster fire has not been around since you replied….LOL

        ET is a dreadful thing when used improperly. Listen to HG and if revenge is really what you want, wait until your ET is gone and your LT has won. So many times I see on the blog of people that wanted revenge and after it was all said and done they said, “why bother? He is not worth my time”.

        1. Kim e

          I couldn’t agree more with you. By the time ET has lessened, can you REALLY be bothered with revenge. Really? In certain circumstances possibly but even then?

          I have read Revenge. I enjoyed it but largely as an intellectual exercise.

          It’s very hard isnt it when you are in that situation, not to want to try to help the other person. I’m thinking of a situation right now…but there us nothing I can do

          If she is following me, probably, then she will know that narcs do not have around on NS for very long. I have been consistently commenting for a good 18 months.

          This will now throw up cognitive dissonance in her mind. Poor woman. Right where she is now…shes really stuck. If at any time was she to contact me, I would answer. I feel for her.

          Shes the new IPPS.

  11. Dear Mr Tudor,
    I’m boring, my ending with the weasel was the engagement of a well constructed intellectual sparring text messaging (I believe I was in devaluation mode)
    I knew his thought process and anticipated what he’d say …he was typically predictable
    I was two steps ahead of him as I had concrete evidence of his lies in the form of texts ….he was speechless, he had no where to run or hide
    He ended up a coward by not responding (typical)
    I exited with style n class
    I felt no need to expend any more unnecessary energy on the critter as after that I no longer cared
    Thank you Mr Tudor for another wonderful poll and having a venue that allows us to relate n compare scenarios
    As always
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  12. I thought many times about exposing my ex to his boss. I imagine his boss has got to be wondering why he acts so crazy. But I decided against it. He can figure it out by himself or fire the ex.
    I also wanted to expose my N dad to my sister. That was very tempting. I almost did it. She has always taken his side and is probably convinced that I am the problem. I decided against it.
    All I did was sign my ex up for some undesirable emails about funeral homes and ambulatory equipment for the elderly. It helped me feel a bit better.

    1. Excellent way of dealing with matters, candacemarie1212.

      “I also wanted to expose my N dad to my sister. That was very tempting. I almost did it. She has always taken his side and is probably convinced that I am the problem. I decided against it.”

      No probably, she IS against you lovely.

      You did absolutely the right thing, you walked away. Let them go round in their ever so futile circle jerk. With the unaware, well it’s as useless as engaging with a set of traffic lights.

      PN told me that one. Oh he’s such a cunt but he does come up with pearls from time to time!

  13. While we were together, and there was major disrespect, fighting, and cheating, I destroyed his property. This only amused him in the most demented way.
    Now, that I understand what I am dealing with, I would never stoop to that level. I try to be very brief and business when we “coparent”. However, because he is a somatic narcissist, and turning 50 this year, I am always tempted to retaliate in regards to his deep insecurities. So I guess this is a list of recent incidences where I WISH I was able to retaliate:

    Whenever he engages in gaslighting, instead of withdrawing, I wish I could remind him that it’s just the dementia speaking, and “everything will be ok”. -to remind him of his mortality

    I recently applied, and was granted a scholarship for my daughters school, so I wouldnt have to rely on him financially for that. Him and his attorney didn’t believe I could secure something like that. So they told our judge I was lying and tried to embarass me. Not only did I want to rub it in their faces that I was telling the truth, I wanted to let them know I was looking into similar resources at the moment to put the Narcissist in a nursing home.
    -to show him how resourceful I am, and to let him know that the tables always turn on the narc. I will put him in a nursing home one day.

    I was tempted to laugh at his financial affidavit for court, when he claimed his new job was impressive, and I would not believe what he is doing now. The job was not impressive at all.
    -to remind him that he is just average

    I so badly want to ask him occasionally, “don’t you have any friends to help you?”
    -to show him he isn’t popular and he is burning his bridges and losing his connections.

    1. anm
      Those are not terrible things and I don’t know if I would be able to exercise as much self control as you have, to NOT do/say them. I give you a lot of credit for taking the high road given your parental situation. I’m sure it is difficult to say the least but you’re doing the mature, right thing.

  14. We lived an hour apart for the first 8 years of our relationship, alternating houses during the week. I discovered his dating sites and associated correspondence while he was out one night. I was devastated, packed my belongings and drove home to my house. My anger grew during the drive, I turned around and drove back to his house – he was still out.
    I trashed everything I had paid for while his superior earnings were going on these sites – he was spending more than a new car payment on these sites conning women. Slashed the spa pool cover, cut up clothing I paid for, unplugged the freezer, poured sugar in the tank of his car then hacked his social media and posted some of his dating site interactions.
    I thought about dumping his laptop etc in water but didn’t do it, I only damaged stuff I had paid for. Oh, I took my girlfriend on the cruise we had planned for the following week. I had already paid for it so it was easy to change the bookings.

    Long story, he hoovered for the next 2 years and I returned. He moved to my neighbourhood which helped but not enough (maybe giving up his new supply would have helped!) I didn’t know what he was at that point but the lies and sidestepping felt familiar so I went looking for answers and found HG. This time I challenged him in every lie and it was exhausting as well as infuriating. I downloaded our Viber conversations and invited him to print off any 2 days worth, which we then analysed together. The word salads and circular conversations were screamingly obvious even to him. He was shocked it was all so clearly obvious. If the man opens his mouth he is lying! The relationship struggled for about 2 years this time before I did the Viber download thing. I was trying to force him to see what he was (MMR) but of course that didn’t work.

    That was just over a year ago and I am finally beginning to feel like myself again. Any time I get irritated or annoyed at something I send a little present to him. Funeral home pamphlets, incontinence undies, hearing, hair loss and impotence info. He’s in his 60s so all of it pertinent.

    It had been a wild ride for 13 years and it has changed me. No longer content to accept people at face value, questioning EVERYTHING and putting up strong boundaries. Unapproachable really. I am starting to interact with people again but far far prefer to isolate myself and spend time with pleasant company – my grandchildren and my animals. This blog is the most interaction I have with ‘people’ and I prefer to stay in the background here too. Others know better than me and there is less chance of being criticised, that is still a sore spot after so long with a narc (and having my own Matrinarc).

  15. I punched him. In the face. After he grilled me for two hours on money, then said I was just like his ex. So I snapped, and swung at him, threw my shoe at him. In the face. He backed off then grabbed me by the hair and slammed me on the floor. It was ugly. He backed off then. Leaving me cry and then was cold and unemotional said he couldn’t love anyone. That’s when I knew I was really in trouble in a domestic violence relationship. Hg Tudor teaching saved my life.

    1. Joy Ascending,
      Your awareness about the type of relationship you were in is very important. It is not always easy to notice it when there is gaslighting and other manipulations going on. Your safety is your priority.

      1. Thanks EB, I felt something was wrong but wasn’t fully aware of exactly what.. narcissist…until HG and all of us here on the blog. So glad for your support! Now I have knowledge. And freedom.

        1. Joy Ascending,
          You are welcome. I watched an interview with an investigator. He spoke about one particular case: women who live in a violent relationship but are not subjected to physical violence. He said it is the *threat* of physical violence that controls them.

          It must be hard for these women when they seek help from a therapist and are invalidated. They are asked if they have been physically assaulted. They answer no. The therapist says their partners are not violent.

          Ongoing psychological abuse such as living in fear and threatened, is serious. Not only does it lead to PTSD but also to severe chronic illnesses and eventually to early death, often when victims are in their 50s.

          1. I was once one of those women. 3 narcissist in a row, the last one was the last. You are right EB. I developed a life threatening illness, autoimmune disease, was hospitalized. My closet friend thought he was poisoning me. I keep saying this over and over that this blog and HG’s work saved my life. It’s true. I see others going through similar issue, and give them links to HG info. It’s all we can do.

    2. Tried and succeeded to shrink his pants so he thought he was gaining weight. Let the dog chew on a chicken I then fed my in-laws. Death by salt to some of the flowers from his mother… others I planted the bulbs upside down. Small victories… still sweet.

  16. Honestly i never considered retaliation. Yes i was very angry and upset when i realised the narc wasnt who i thought they initially had been but no id not waste my time or energy getting even. I have too much living to do to waste one second planning out silly revenge.
    I think some may percieve retaliation as making them stronger but really youre just lowering yourself to their level and why? If its a situation where they have to be exposed due to safety reasons thats one thing but retaliating to get one over on them is imo petty and youre playing into their game. Were smarter than that and can move on in our lives knowing they will stay stuck forever in their narc cycle. By retaliating youre remaining in that negative cycle.
    Roll around with pigs youll be dirty too.

          1. I do apologize Mr. Tudor ! Then again you are probably much more dominate than he is and of course way sexier and you have a better voice than he does.

          2. I’ve read these exchanges. They are really quite weird.

            njfilly, Lelo make good ones.

  17. I didn’t retaliate. Instead I did something even more degrading. I sent email after email after email begging him to speak to me.
    BEGGING.
    For months and months!

    I’m thoroughly ashamed of being so pathetic.

    1. Hi Policy of Truth, we all did things that we’re not proud of. That doesn’t make you pathetic. We all keep learning and evolving. Our past doesn’t define who we are. The important thing is that we know better now.

    2. Don’t ever beg another person… You don’t have to beg a person that truly wants you. Just think about someone that you are not interested in begging you… It will have no affect on you. Pick up the pieces and keep it moving… There’s better for you out here. You’ve got an entire planet to find the perfect one for you. Use it to your advantage… Travel some, step outside the box and try not to use social media dating sites because you’ll more than likely run into another narcissist.

      1. Hi Teah, I agree with you but we all know how narcissists can make any empath feel so confused and begging for an answer. She said that she was begging for him to speak to her. Maybe she was just really desperate for clarity and was really just begging for an answer which he wasn’t giving to her because vagueness helps narcissists achieve their aims which is getting more fuel. And fuel she did provide to him with those emails begging him. I think that begging is so benign it is not a big deal at all and nothing to be ashamed of. He was just a narcissist who treated her like crap; nobody cares about what he thinks. I do like the pieces of advice that you gave especially the one about not using dating sites. It is so true.

        1. Absolutely MommyPino.. Every case is definitely different… I guess I was just giving her advice based off of me not being big on begging people…. especially a narcissist because all it does is give them satisfaction in treating you worse… Some narcs are used to people begging them to basically accept them even on a daily basis… Friends, family, intimate partners etc. I hope she gets it worked out and finds someone better that won’t treat her like that. I’ll bet that once she moves on and never ask for him to speak to her again he may end up coming to her because the fuel will be gone. She said she has begged for months for him to speak to her while he’s gone on with his life and probably relishing in her provided fuel that he doesn’t deserve.

          1. You’re absolutely right Teah B. He will try to hoover her and that would be her chance to wound him by completely ignoring him in the coldest manner because she doesn’t care about him whatsoever. And he would be wounded and then look for another prey for fuel. They really are not worth any space in our heads. 💕

  18. What the hell here goes. I’ll post a few mild ones. Pre narcsite, narc 1 (I was young) we got in a fight while driving, he said let me out of the car so I did. We were 30 miles from our house. I didn’t go back and have no idea how he got home. Same narc, we were arguing on the porch about a car title that he was supposed to get for my new car. He had been giving me the run around for weeks and I lost it. I shoved him with both hands in the chest and he flew off the porch (that one still makes me smile).

          1. Right. Him not me! I think one day he will pay in some way so I don’t worry. I’d like to revenge only because violence is the only language he knows. Of course no conctact is the best solution. A day he told never say me that I am not able to love. I think it could hurt him but it will come the worst for me.

  19. Retaliation but decided to go against it! I want to explode and one day when I leave him I will feel a sense of relief and let my hair down! I am also creative with food and exploring different recipes, i am not sure if that is good or bad HG I do love to cook though.

  20. Hello again HG. KP here. I’d also like to add a category that was not listed in your poll: Educating the Narcissist:. Once I had determined that what I was dealing with was one of your kind, I sent him numerous posts and websites, including yours, that provided him with ample information on Narcissist Personality Disorder. I then suggested he write a paper on his condition once he completed his paper on solving the world’s energy crisis, as he was a student.

    1. Even though I want my husband to know he is a N he will never ever accept it !!!! Self defense mechanism. I would waste my time and he will turn it around saying I am the N. It would be a waste of time and energy and you will never win with these people they will just keep getting more Fuel.

  21. I’d like to enter a “plea of momentary insanity” prior to this disclosure… It’s been one year and one month since the event. After the second confrontation involving his on line porn addiction (among other hidden secrets), I decided to leave. We were intimately involved for six months, but I had been working as his case manager for about three years prior to the seduction. Luckily, I had also decided to keep my apartment. Two days after leaving, I contacted him only to discover he was already in the process of moving his new supply, and her mother into his home. That night I drove to his house (the house that I had built so to speak) in a mad frenzy and proceeded to gather all of my belongings. Everything in the house was mine. The dishes, the furniture, the artwork, the washer and drier, the curtains, the flowers. You get the picture. His new supply was there, hiding somewhere outside. I violently ripped things off the wall, off the bed, out of the cabinets and closets like a mad women. Ripped the curtains from their rods. I flipped my kitchen table over with a glass vase of flowers that shattered across the floor. Cut my hand. Bleeding, I continued to throw my things on top of the couch. I threw his new play station against the wall. The police were called. No arrest Thank God, but was forced to spend the night in a nearby hotel. Returned the next morning to find that the home appeared as if a small tornado had passed through it. Found a note from him stating that he and his new “friend” had left to spend the night in a different motel and that could I please act like an adult about this? New supply and mamma moved in the following week. To this day I cannot comprehend my insane behavior. It took me about one month to figure out what I was exposed to. Guilty as charged.

  22. I was tempted, but thought it would be so much more satisfying if they shot themselves in the rear instead of being able to blame me. The manager’s location closed, the frenemy from Jr. High made one bad marriage before I was out of college, the co-worker was reasonably successful, but never became the shooting star he thought he would be, aged badly, and left the city to live in the same tourist town his parents retired to–some years after they had sold the house to get him out if the basement. No wife or kids, though he had rambled about likely names to co-workers.

    I didn’t realize at the time that I had a reason for vengeance on manipulative teachers, because I hadn’t seen through the narcs yet; I thought they were nice, and was afraid of the battle-axes. In a few years, the teachers who relief on triangulation and Dale Carnegie moves were mysteriously missing from the staff, whether they moved on of their own accord or didn’t get renewed, although the ones who just yelled at us to shut up and sit down were still going strong.

    They probably blamed me anyway, or whoever replaced me.

  23. I’m not a bunny boiler; I’m a door slammer. GOSO/NC coming up on a year and holding thanks to HG Tudor.

  24. With narcoholic all I did was a few months after going total NC I sent him funeral home pamphlets and incontinence underwear samples a la HG’s Revenge book.
    Didn’t take any other revenge against Either narc.

    1. Dear NarcAngel,
      Do tell
      I’m fascinated and all ears 👂
      Still luv you regardless 💕
      🤣
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. Hi Bubbles
        Ok. I’ll dip my toe in to test the waters just for you.

        I used to put Stepnarc’s toothbrush under my armpit while I brushed my own teeth then put it back in it’s spot ready for him to use.

          1. No, I didn’t dip it in the toilet. That would be rude. (Also, not personal enough.)

          2. NA, I love the revenge but I have a doubt: was it after taking a shower or after having exercised? What I mean to say in plain words is, in what condition was your armpit?

          3. SweetP
            It was ongoing, so various states, but it was in all states an ARMPIT! Lol.

          4. I know I know, the armpit itself is enough to laugh thinking about it, but if you add sweat and other ingredients it makes it even more enjoyable to reflect on later on. Yuck. I would have actually felt disgusted to think of her toothbrush (in contact with her nasty teeth) touching my soft, delicate armpits to be honest.

          5. NA, just a note to let you know I love that you call me Sweet P. I read it as sweet pea and it makes me feel cute. I know you’re not fond of being too sweet and affectionate but you can’t help it!

          6. NA, this is so mean but I would brush my dogs teeth with his toothbrush and then he can brush his . He would never know . I dont have the guts to do it because I wouldnt want someone doing it to me . But the armpit was a wonderful idea lol! Hugs xoxo

        1. Dearest NarcAngel,
          Thank you gorgeous
          I luv it …. mwahahaha
          Did you “up the ante” n dip it in other exotic arenas ?
          Annnnnnnnd …..go on …….
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. Bubbles

            Purchased meals and treats (such as cookies) were considered too expensive and waste of money on us so we hardly ever experienced them. I found though that he liked oreo cookies and kept a bag hidden away to enjoy for himself. Yes I did. I enjoyed the “essence” of them by licking them and putting them back. Choke on that SN.

            I told him on his deathbed that I took all his beloved trophies and smashed them to bits so that no one would ever again be witness to them. That I had erased any evidence of his accomplishments.

            When he was hospitalized I was not very helpful in assisting him to get up to go to the bathroom and by the time the nurse arrived he had soiled himself.

            Oh dear. They’re getting dark now. I’ll stop there.

            My boss badgered me for some time. I angered her with an email that found flaw with her newest project and I cc’d the others on the project. She responded by angrily approaching me at my desk and hissing at me through clenched teeth that she would see me in an adjoining room. Everyone near stopped to watch. I told her calmly that I would not comply with her request because it was obvious that she was too emotional and aggressive in her behaviour. That when she calmed down we could speak in the presence of others. She was counselled by another of her kind to do just that and have me brought in to discuss my behaviour in the presence of her boss (and another witness). I calmly explained to her boss that my boss was generally unapproachable with anything she considered negative even if it proved detrimental to the team or project. Thus the concern through email where she would have time to process it. My boss simmered and started to speak but her boss quieted her and asked me to continue. I then explained the situation at my desk and that she was threatening and well here we are. My boss lost her shit and started going off. Spittle formed and she started waving her hands around wildly. I knew my calmness and accusations would have this effect. (I now know this as wounding). I put my hand up in front of her boss (as if to protect) and asked my boss to contain herself and act appropriately before she ended up hurting someone. Her boss responded with: Indeed. Then I looked at her boss as if to say: see what I mean? My boss was off for a week after that (vacation was cited as the reason) and I received an apology from her boss.

            In an intimate situation with a somatic obsessed with health, I told him upon departing (with a wince as though it were painful for me) that he had some concerning warts around his …ahem…”starfish” and that he should probably not delay in seeing a doctor. He didn’t but I enjoyed all the way home picturing a terrified mid bent over with a mirror at his ass.

        2. LoL….I’ll bet you were laughing your ass off when he was brushing his teeth NarcAngel. At least you didn’t put hair remover in his shampoo.

  25. Most of these options never would have occurred to me. Victory, to me, looked like 1) exposing him and 2) showing him up by living my best life post-disengagement (or at least maintaining appearances to that effect). Not saying I’m morally above retaliation, or “getting even,” or whatever, but in this case a more nuanced approach was necessary. Retaliation thus necessarily took the form of subtly reducing his perception of his own power, either through the disapproving looks of those I managed to whom I managed to expose him or in public curation of evidence that I can do just fine without my supposed hero / savior / abuser.

    I guess this is where I say thank you, HG, for providing the insight and guidance necessary to act in this way, rather than in the ways presented as poll options above

    1. Well done, Brynn. I’m trying to do as you say in #2 (although he is blocked and is not seeing evidence of this) but I try and convince myself it is the best revenge, whether visible to him or not. I wish the part of me that wants “justice” would just let go and forget it all, forget HIM. But it is so hard.

  26. Success is the best revenge. And not caring about them: ‘Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn’. ❤️

    I noticed a young coworker I’d gotten after him about for seducing is now posting quotes on FB about toxic people smearing you. They get found out without our help.

    Narcs are a carousel, new riders get on and old riders get off, but narcs keep going round and round, spinning their tales of grandiosity, seducing, conning. Are they in purgatory or are we when around them? It’s all a magician’s trick, it’s only smoke and mirrors, whatever they’re pretending to be isn’t real, so who needs revenge when all we have to do is let go and be free.

  27. I could post recent pictures and discoveries and forward to several people which would damage business reputation, chances for inheritance, reputation with children. His entire 65 year facade would be ruined. Definitely worth blackmail. But too stressful and I won’t damage his kids.

  28. Personally i think they have such a horrible existence, i mean what can be worse than feeling such emptiness inside that they have to depend on faulty perceptions of self to such a degree that they will ultimately die alone and undesired, to me thats a revenge better than what i can concoct. Besides it doesn’t really have any effect on them so why waste my energy on someone so undeserving

  29. When he came back – I showed my satisfaction and curiosity. Then I began to criticize him subtly – that he got older, that he had gray hair, that he had an ugly jacket – these were, among other things, words interrupted, I saw him shrink. I used his invitation to the restaurant at his expense. At the restaurant I talked about my new friend (I triangulated), and finally I I said I love this friend (I suggested we were a couple).
    He came later a lot of times, once I used it for a minor repair at home, most times I did not open the door, and recently I opened because I did not know that he was and I closed it in his face.
    I don’t feel anything anymore and it wasn’t difficult. Consistency and return of the same but in a delicate form.

  30. I considered retaliation but I didn’t do anything yet because I was too emotionally involved. Just in case, though, I saved this link to a website that sends you free information about products to stop hair loss. You never know when he may need it…

      1. Oh, that hairline is only gonna make my retaliation juicier with time… revenge is a dish best served cold.

    1. Haha—hair loss products! My retaliation has been elegantly and innocently portraying him as a moron so that when he walks in the room people are rolling their eyes. I’m much more capable of this than he is. It’s thought fuel because I use a clinical twist and a bit of bewilderment and it allows others to conclude it on their own..

  31. Once I realized the Lesser ULN was manipulating me (took 9 years) I repeatedly cheated on him and was shocked at my lack of remorse and ability to lie… It really broke him down bc he could feel it but he didn’t have proof. I ended up with stitches and was beaten several times. Wouldn’t recommend this…

    The Greater I haven’t yet retaliated against but my plan is to share articles about narcissism publicly and long enough that some of his friends catch on. There is an article featuring Greg the Greater by HG that I like to share bc that was his name and it’s hauntingly accurate. I have been very close to setting up a fake email and getting in touch with his new IPPS. But…that is for her and her son’s safety more than retaliation against him. Should I do this?

    The MMRN has had the most of my retaliation. I’ve exposed him at the local bar. He’s spent years away from there until recently when I stopped going for my own growth. I’ve exposed him to his daughter. That’s quite a story…. lol! It was his own fault too. I’ve read all his text messages/pics/ emails and he had absolutely no secrets. Every time he lied I would call him out and he was unable to figure out what happened. Once I began to enter Stranger Mode with him I use the smallest irritation to him (to me a major trigger usually prolonged PST) to leave. I feel like he is decompensating and I feel guilt about this. Which leads to me allowing him back in. But then I retaliate and leave again making it worse. Control your ET! It’s a bitch. You both think you are winning but you are really losing.

    1. I wouldn’t recommend writing to his new IPPS. If I am thinking about revenge and spitting my disappointment and pain over them, I re-read “The Devil’s Pitchfork” again and again. As HG told me before: We have to look to our own defences and noone and nothing else should matter.

    2. Dear Jess

      Hope you get to see this.

      You say hes a G? My advice us walk away from this one. Seriously. You dont need the havoc and aggravation.

      Its EXCEEDINGLY difficult to get others to see an aware narc. It really is. Just leave it.

      I know that’s probably not what you want to hear but that’s my advice.

      Hope you are ok?

  32. I exposed his serial infidelity at work and on social media, even implicating myself! It was no secret anyway since he told his adult son who likes to gossip. Not proud of what I did and do regret doing it. I even told the owners of the company about his bullying and infidelity with me, pleading for them to not let him do it to anyone else. The workplace is his hunting grounds for married women having problems with their husbands.

    During this time I was being terrorized at my home and they were coming into my house when I was gone. Got the police involved and discussed with them my 2nd ammendment rights. That got out . Lots of jokes on social media about not going into area 51, as well as alien vs predator jokes. Well they stopped coming to my house, but I was painted as dangerous and fired from my job. I will protect my daughter if her life was in danger ( i am a mother afrer all), but I would never hurt anyone!

  33. Love a Monday morning poll :)

    Considered retaliation but decided against it. My planned form of retaliation was to enable the exwife to help herself and gain better control in coparenting with him via forwarding her HGs work (anonymously). When the coparenting assistance sale was on, I actually considered purchasing on her behalf. I do not know this woman and for all I know, she is a complete a**hole herself (in fact if I were to judge based on her social media, that’s the opinion I would lean toward). But either way, empowering her would cause him a great deal of inconvenience, as he has made a sport / hobby of ruining her life through counter-parenting and raising endless issues within the court system.

    1. Joanne, I thought about empowering his wife (sending her info anonymously), but then realized that as a shelf IPSS, that would cause more inconvenience for me, because if their marriage is ruined, guess who’s gonna be looked at for immediate fuel… no no no no. Let her stay where she is, (un)happily ever after.

  34. I considered retaliation but decided against it. I vividly imagined trashing his computers ( he had few) , damaging his clothes – the picture was very ugly and I felt disgusted , even though it was just an imagination.
    It is not my style acting like a crazy bitch. Nor I would waste my time and energy to commit any act of retaliation against him. It is not worth it ,it won’t make me feel better.
    Sooner or later the Narcs reap what they sow .
    “This doesn’t mean, however, that God always brings His full judgment to bear on them right now. Outwardly, some people seemingly live a trouble-free life and never experience anything we might think of as God’s judgment — although they flaunt God’s laws and disobey Him at every turn. But down inside, their lives lack meaning and their hearts are empty — and this is one sign of God’s judgment. “

  35. I was thinking about giving a hint to his new IPPS, for example showing her his hoover attemps during their golden age, or sending her a link of your blog.
    But since she used to be a close friend of mine knowing all my struggels I’ve had with him, because I trusted her entirely, I decided against it.
    Both put me in front of accomplished facts in our staff’s room during work.
    Then go for it, girl. ✔

    1. She is not your concern, you are your concern, FF. Your decision is the correct one. Look to your own defences.

  36. I threw a cup full of water at him, yelled he’s a piece of shit and went where her was the next day with an attractive tall man.
    I had my stuff removed from the apartment the same day he “broke up” with me, including the fridge and bed we both used, so when he got home his food was all over the bench and he had no bed. Haha

  37. I don’t think most will be honest about their answers here 😆 considering the possibility of being implacable to crimes. The better question is how does each of these tactics effect your kind HG?

    1. I like your last question, Shon Graham!

      Many people admit to all sorts on this blog. I think the anonymity helps with that.

      While I understand others taking their hurt and anger and retaliating, I didn’t do anything to retaliate. I am not concerned with writing anything due to law. It’s just that I didn’t think of it with one narcissist. He is the father of my child, and my main concern was providing a situation that would help my child and not keep putting him in the middle which would have happened. I wasn’t a completely good person during the marriage but it was time to concentrate on things other than him. The second narcissist, my retaliation is to come: it will be forgetting him. Until then I will live my life fully and find happiness.

    2. I think it’s a kind of release to be able to write on here. It’s no good talking to people who don’t understand what you have been through and possibly leave you even more traumatised by their lack of sympathy

  38. Hi HG, Bin Digger here! 😂😂 Mine went silent on me, we had been getting on really well messaging each other during football matches etc..so I just asked him if he was OK and he posted a really nasty meme in his WattsApp status, the only social media platform we were connected on (why do they even have that facility on WattsApp?!!) and when I say nasty, it was really sickening!…It tipped me over the edge! So I reported him to the Managers of the company he was affiliated to. He was contracted by another company who rented the facilities. There was a huge meeting with the managers of both companies and I almost got the whole affiliated company removed!! Luckily the innocent ones kept their jobs..but his name must have been dirt with them for a good while afterwards. Do I feel guilty? It affected me badly for a few months giving me panick attacks and sleepless nights but now, with 8 months no contact, I am much better. I will never do anything like that again and also having the knowledge to control my emotional thinking thanks to you HG. 💪

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