Everything But The Truth
The lie. Everybody has lied at some point in their lives. Those who are empathic in nature however place considerable stock in honesty and decency. Their sense of self-worth and self-esteem is linked to their investment in telling the truth. The strong sense of guilt, the need to do the right thing and an awareness of the consequences of telling lies means that most empathic people only tend to stray into the arena of the ‘white lie’ so told in order to protect and to help. Of course an empathic person has the capacity to tell lies, but they are invariably regulated by their empathic traits so that this does not arise or if it does, it is rare indeed.
Our kind do not have such regulation. Since we are stripped of empathy, remorse and guilt, there are no handbrakes which exist to stop the lie as it forms in our mind or to prevent it appearing on our lips. Not only are these safeguards missing, the way that we have been created means that lying serves us especially well and therefore it actively encourages us to tell lies. This combination of a lack of safeguards and the encouragement, even necessity to lie, creates a fertile breeding ground for lies to be told.
Lie are the foot soldiers of the narcissist. There are thousands of them available. They are easy to apply, adaptable for all manner of situations and completely expendable. We direct our lies against our victims, battalions of them marching over people in order to achieve our aims and conquer.
How does our kind lie? Let us consider them in the context of one of our kind being suspected of engaging in infidelity and indeed has been doing so. The narcissist has arrived home later after spending the evening with a new prospect as a primary source and is asked where he has been by the existing intimate partner how is a primary source.
- Commission. A bare-faced lie where the truth is not told but something untrue is said instead. In the example detailed above, the response of ‘I have been working late at the office’ is given in response. Since we have no concept of guilt, it is easy enough for us to tell a lie of commission. We may even do so if there is evidence that demonstrates that what we have just said cannot be true. The ability to do so is something which our victims find difficult to reconcile.
- Omission. The truth appears to be told but the crucial detail is missing which results in a lie being told by omission. ‘I have been to see Leslie.’ Indeed, we have been to see Leslie, we just have not told you that we have been in bed with her all evening. The lie of omission provides us with the opportunity to do two things. First of all, to declare that we have actually told the truth and you are just looking for any reason to find fault with us – a dose of projection thrown in there too – and secondly, to blame-shift by asserting, ‘You asked where I had been, I told you, you didn’t ask me what I had been doing, you should have been more precise if you wanted to know, so don’t make your shortcomings something to blame me for.’
- Influence. A lie of influence is where we seek to convince you that somebody like us would not be capable of the very thing that you are accusing us of. We might respond in the above scenario by stating ‘looking forward to getting home to the love of my life, after all I am a happily married man.’ By asserting that this is the case we are seeing to influence you into believing that someone like us is incapable of being unfaithful. It is akin to someone being asked if they have been stealing from their employer and answering, ‘I have worked here for 20 years’ thus asserting through influence that someone so loyal would not steal.
- Silence. What better way to avoid the accusations and at the same time dole out one of our favourite manipulations by falling silent? By saying nothing we can camp on to the moral high ground by maintaining we neither told a lie of commission, not did we tell you a lie of omission as we said nothing at all.
- Exaggeration. As you would expect this is often used for the purposes of making us look good, thus we will embellish our financial capability, the amount we can bench-press, the number of football matches attended, the deals closed and so on and so forth. We see nothing wrong whatsoever with embellishment because all we are doing is taking something which is more or less true and polishing it up.
- Projection. This is an advanced lie based on silence. We do not answer the question, thus effectively responding silently to it, but instead we go further by accusing you of the very thing that we have done. Thus, in the example we would respond by saying to you ‘Never mind asking me where I have been, where were you this afternoon? I rang you twice and you never answered. You should have been here at home. What have you been doing eh? Getting cosy with that friend of yours from the school I bet.’
- Justification. In this instance you actually do get the truth told to you but there is no admission of the truth by us, thus we are maintaining a lie to you. This often includes those familiar manipulations of the Pity Play and/or the Blame Shift. In the example, this would appear as, ‘Yes, yes I have been with Leslie and in bed with her, so what? If you gave me some attention and you weren’t so damn frigid I would not have to go elsewhere would I, so don’t start trying to blame me, it is your fault.’ We have admitted the infidelity as a fact but we do not take ownership of the wrongdoing and thus we maintain a lie in that regard.
Why do we engage in lying in such an extensive fashion?
- Fuel. What else? Our lies are told to impress so that we gain adoration and admiration. Our lies are told to wound so that you become hurt, upset and angry. Our lies are told to frustrate so you become agitated and anxious. The telling of lies through one of the different forms described above allows us to provoke an emotional reaction and thus we can gain the fuel that we need. The more we lie, the more reactions we can provoke, good or bad, sometimes good and bad from the same lie and accordingly we gain more fuel.
- Control. We must control our environment and we must control you as our victims as part of this environment. A healthy person has no need to exert such extensive control because they have sufficient self-worth not to be concerned about the environment about them or if they have not, they have sufficient awareness to realize that there is little that they can do about it. That does not apply to us. Our concerns about being unmasked, our concerns that appliances will not function as we require them to do so results in an incredible need to control the environment and we use lies as the means to achieve that. Lies enable us to gain fuel and thus ensure that the appliances function, lies allow us to appear better than we are so that we are the person we regard ourselves to be, lies allow us to escape liability for the things we say and do – all of these and more amount to control over our environment.
- Maintaining a lack of culpability. As mentioned above, by telling lies we can escape the consequences of our words and actions. Our sense of entitlement means we are justified in doing so. Our failure to recognise boundaries means we will tell lies so that we gain admittance somewhere without paying, when we ought to have done so. We will tell lies anywhere to escape repercussions and consequences – to you, to family members, to employers, to service providers, to the authorities and even in court. Some of the largest lies are told in front of the altar during our weddings. Lies are the keys which open all doors allowing us to exit with ease and without consequence.
- Habit. Already you can see that there are many different lies which can be told, there are infinite situations in which they can be used and there are many reasons why we tell them. This all amounts to an aggregate effect whereby the compulsion to tell lies is so overwhelming that we begin to do it out of habit. It actually feels right to us to lie and to tell the truth becomes uncomfortable, unsettling and alien, thus, since we always prefer the course of least resistance, we will opt to tell the lie and thus we feel at ease again.
- The belief in the lie. The Lesser and Mid-Range Narcissists are actually delusional. They do believe the lies that they tell. They are convinced that what they are saying is true and accurate and that is why it is done with such conviction and regularity. This is difficult for those who are not of our kind to grasp, since you believe that we must be able to see and know that we are lying. This is not the case with those two schools of narcissist. The Greater is a different proposition. We do not believe our lies. We know that we are lying. We are not delusional. Those of us who are Greaters tell lies because the lie is an investment in our survival. We have to tell the lie because we need fuel, we need to fulfil our sense of entitlement, break through a boundary, escape a consequence. Our survival depends on it and thus the lie is a necessary mechanism. Free from guilt or remorse, we can know it is a lie and say it with ease.
- Perception. What you see may be regarded as the truth but our need to maintain control, superiority and the upper hand, so we are admired, adored, loved and so forth means that we will not recognise the truth because it does not accord with what we require. We in effect become blind to what the truth is, we literally cannot see it because our world view has been altered to such a degree. This is instinctive to all of the schools of narcissism. Owing to their lower cognitive function and their lack of insight, the Lesser and Mid Range Narcissists do not see beyond this altered reality. The Greater can and does realise that there has been this alteration in what he sees but we only see a disadvantage in admitting the truth, therefore the fabrication and the lies become the preference.
- Exploitation. Lies are inherently dishonest but with the Greater of our kind in particular we use lies because they exploit our victims into giving us what we want, complying with our demands and providing us those things which we deem to be necessary to our survival. This exploitation is a step above and beyond the usual dishonesty that one associates with the telling of lies.
- The playing of games. Again this is usually the preserve of the Greater of our kind but the telling of lies becomes a game to us. The more lies the better. If we tell a lie and you unravel it, we will just tell another one, even though we may contradict ourselves. We do not care for contradiction, after all, we are not liable for the consequences and there are so many different manipulations that can be used to deflect, deny and so forth from what we said only moments ago. The playing of the game entertains us, appeals to our sense of omnipotence and accords with our higher cognitive function. The more elaborate the lie, the greater the sense of achievement that is obtained from its construction and its effects.
- Confusion. Telling lies confuses those who hear them especially empathic individuals who are committed to telling the truth, being honest and getting to the truth. A confused victim is one which remains in our grasp for longer.
Lies are an essential part of the toolkit of our kind. You will experience them repeatedly during your entanglement with our kind and to such an extent that it becomes exhausting to try to discern the truth from the morass of lies that is spewed from our mouths.
32 thoughts on “Everything But The Truth”
Mmmmm, the lie. You nearly sold me on your “honest honesty” pitch, you clever rascal. Credit card in hand, I was poised with many questions all regarding, You. How far down the rabbit hole can one go? However, intuition whispered true. You are indeed the Master of Doublespeak.
From a clinical standpoint you are that extremely, rare, bird, HG. One of the most powerful, intelligent, and dangerous men. Watching to see how treatment takes shape.
Thank you BG13.
My son to a “T”.
HG, do you kind ever get a physotic episode ?
If lesser or midranger are delusional are they not in reality since they believe in their own lies .
There is no such thing as an objective reality. We have a different reality to you, you have a different reality to us, each reality is right for us, but not for the other. The only reason we are referred to as deluded and disordered is because our behaviour is the minority behaviour, although it is a much larger minority than people realise.
Thenk you for the explanation. I just need to face the fact the your kind is just different then my kind. Since your kind needs to always be in control they are always right. In my eyes they are not always right and thats where we come into conflict . This is all new to me, but you explaining in from your perspective makes sense. It’s a constant struggle for me to deal with this a daily basis . I observe my N and I see everything you have said,,in your books, consultations,and in your interviews .he has everything in the N dynamic .This will take some time for me because I can’t do this overnight! I need to GOSO soon. I need a plan ,I have nobody, My N is realizing something is not right me either so maybe he will go. I hope .
Thanks again Mr. Tudor
Pati have you had the narc detector consultation? It sounds like you have not had this done yet. If you are second guessing yourself the narc detector will determine accurately if he is a narcissist and also what school and cadre he belongs to. Knowing those things can help you and HG determine how you should move forward. Please don’t ever think you have no body! You have everyone on here that will help get you through this.
Hi ! FM1T ,yes I had a Narc Detector with HG
My husband is a Low Midrange Somatic N.
Thank you so much for your kinds words I try to post as much as I can and get good advice from everyone and HG, I hope things are good with you and your experience .Hugs xoxo
I’m happy to hear that you had that detector done. I felt panic in your comment and that is why I ask you. Just remember HG can set up a plan and walk you through it dear. You are never alone! We are all right here for you. 🤗
I know one day FM1T I will be commenting on this blog and telling everyone I am FREE! Until then I will educate myself more by reading ,having a plan ,and HG’s consultations and of course I have you people too ! Thank you so much I don’t feel alone. Hugs xoxo
Pati I know that as long as you do the things you have just wrote in your previous comments, you will indeed be telling us all of your freedom one day! Everyone is different and everyone’s situation is different, some may take a week or a month, others it might take years to gain that freedom and that is ok! One day at a time, one step at a time. 😘
FM1T, my situation is a little difficult and as you said not every situation is the same. I have been with him for so many years,it hasnt been great at all I did realise something wasn’t quite right with this marriage. I actually was searching silent treatments on Google and I got Narcissistic behaviour. I then googled Narcissists and came an interview out of the box with Christine Blosdale and bam I found HG,thank god to internet or I would never know what was going on ! Thank you FM1T hugs xoxo 😘
You’re welcome Pati. 😘
Hope you see this. WP is being it’s useless cuntish self.
You are absolutely not alone. This must be a frightening time for you. Please keep yourself safe.
No sudden movements, OK?
Keep posting if you can. X
Hilarious. No that is not the only reason …
I utterly agree with you. I am listening to a Middle right now on the radio. Hes describing ennui. The victim runs strong with this one.
I’ve tangled with him. I spoke to him. Hes ok if you talk about sex. Get him on NPD and he gets VERY defensive. But yet he knows a lot about it.
So a weird thing happens. Two weird things. Actually three.
I’m known as ‘squirting ren’. A caller rings in. Asks if the presenter squirts. Hmm.
I try to ring in. Cannot get through. Bizarre. I usually can. Weird 2. Third thing is another caller who on a brand new twitter account, a CEO no less, asks him, very pointedly saying how his spat with a fellow (famous) radio presenter has gone down. It discombobulated him.
That amused me.
I think this radio presenter has a very good grasp of cognitive empathy. But when challenged he becomes ferocious.
Victim is strong. Not sure on overall cadre because I’ve never spoken to him personally.
So…. Can I trust you then?…
I had many thoughts with this post…
My exUMRN lied a lot! Embellishments were a favourite. He was having swimming lessons- his instructor thought he was so good she wanted him to swim the channel 🤥
He was on holiday – won a swimming competition for the whole of the sailing team. 🤥
Hes worth a million – on paper 🤔
He once dated a woman whose divorce was settled in gold bullion – even she wasn’t enough 🤔
Hé ‘dumped’ his gf of 8 yrs at xmas for another woman – he’d never felt love until then. 🤥 this woman was too interested in her instagram followers to have time for him (true I expect). He dumped her 🤥
When I asked why he had lied about having a gf he said ‘you wouldn’t have done what I wanted if I told you’. From HGs work I understand now and don’t get upset. I know now It’s his narcissism.
Em, maybe the paper that made him worth a million was a life insurance policy! Ha ha
Very likely MB – I have my suspicions.
I’d have my suspicions alright, too Em. Like, who is the beneficiary?
Judging by that shower of shite that came out of his mouth, was he really an UM?
Que HG, stage left announcing that he’d diagnosed him.
Regardless. He sounds like a tit.
Embarrassing to think I fell for all that tripe. Even then I used to sometimes think ‘yeah right’ whatever makes you happy. And then you start to get sucked in and all of a sudden you are there believing it. Telling my friends wow hes such a great swimmer. He’s actually fairly inadequate in the sports arena.
Maybe I don’t like to think I’ve been conned by anything less than a GN. Yes HG diagnosed but he probably hasn’t had all the info and we need a full session focused just on the diagnosis.
Im still confused as some of his behaviour particularly the knowingly game playing is very much how HG describes GN. I guess there must be grey areas between classifications.
Your right hes a twat, a dangerous tWat all the same.
I had a funny feeling about your post which is why I said what I did.
Dont be embarrassed. We’ve all been there. I’ve swallowed some monstrosities…and not in a good way.
The two Gs that I have known would not have made such obvious statements. However they may have made verbal/intellectual ones. In fact I’m sure they have.
Either way, if you have got out, good. And you’re here so that’s excellent too.
I still feel the effects of the gas lighting, triangulation and word salads. All those statements were mixed up in with the intelligent bits. I think he only really said them overtly once he knew I was entrapped.
He seemed intelligent. He had an intellectual job, mind you he’s had to sideline because he keeps getting into harassment type trouble. Confusing that he could be that grand and such a twat at the same time.
Yes I’ve escaped and healing and learning. Watching him ensnare another on social media. Feeling like I want to reach out to her but I can’t. She’s in the golden phase. Calling him an amazing man, posting for all to see. 🤢
She’s nowhere near the calibre he normally targets but looks like she has plenty of fuel.
I think this is one of the hardest aspects of being an aware emp. We can see it happening to others who are largely blameless. As you say, you really cannot.
Give yourself time. You will heal.
I can see an improvement in my healing. At one time I would have felt jealous of her. Now I don’t feel much, only look and think – it’s just a matter of time. He’s flailing around looking for fuel as his matrix is destabilising.
You really shouldn’t be checking him out on SM. However, I’ve also seen these panic picks in an aging narc. It’s quite poignant actually.
Put him behind you and move on Em.
I know I shouldn’t be checking.
Thanks for the reminder. It’s so easy to start missing the attention. And he does keep popping back into my life! I’m putting him behind me. Thank you.
Well done Em. He will continue to pop back in until he gets the message hes not getting fuel.
This is downright amusing, now. Toward the end — who am I kidding? At the beginning, too — he would constantly, constantly accuse me of lying. Lying about where I’d been, lying about whether I really loved him, lying about all the other men I was supposedly fucking (there weren’t any), lying about drinking and doing drugs (I was doing neither). After while, I would bait him.
Him: “You’re a fucking liar Your whole life is a lie!”
Me: “What am I lying about?”
Me: “Like what, specifically.”
Him: “If you don’t know, I can’t tell you. You just are.”
And this final bit of weirdness: He announced, full of self-righteousness: “I don’t lie. And I don’t steal.”
That’s the first time stealing had come up. Of course, immediately I wondered who he might be stealing from.
This is all just projection on his part, isn’t it, HG?