Cheating On The Narcissist


I know, I know, who would do such a thing, but it does happen. Not often, but it does. How do we react to this in case it was something that you were considering doing?

To begin with, it is worthwhile explaining however just how rare it is to find that our victims are willing to cheat on us. There are several reasons for this:-

  1. During the seduction period there is absolutely no reason to do so. This is exciting, wonderful, love at its finest (apparently) and because of this golden period, cheating on this amazing person who has come into your life would be like cutting off your right arm. Pointless.
  2. The empathic traits of honesty and decency mean that cheating is anathema to the victim.
  3. The empathic traits of being a love devotee and someone who believes in fixing and healing means that the victim would rather address the problems (in the mistaken belief that they can be cured)  with the narcissist that go elsewhere.
  4. The desire to return to the golden period means that the victim does not want to do anything whereby they will lose our kind. Instead, they want to cling on in the hope of matters improving.
  5. Many empathic individuals subscribe to the concept of two wrongs not making a right.
  6. Being a truth seeker, the empathic victim finds themself unable to contemplate behaving in a deceitful manner through cheating.

These factors all militate against the victim cheating on the narcissist. Nevertheless, if on the rare occasions it does happen, what is the reaction of each school of narcissist?

As you should have anticipated, the revelation of your being unfaithful to us is a massive criticism. This tells us in no uncertain terms, that you regard somebody as superior to us. You are our primary source. You belong to us. Yes, we, through our sense of entitlement and lack of accountability will do as we please, but you cannot. We are hugely hypocritical as we commit numerous acts of infidelity, but you must not. Any external observer, though reluctant to sanction such a transgression, would undoubtedly understand why the victim has done so given the onslaught of abuse perpetrated by our kind. That is no excuse or reason in our eyes.

A normal person would be upset and would most likely have cause to wonder why the other person has behaved in such a manner. Leaving aside instances where a person is dealing with a narcissist who is unfaithful, ordinarily the cuckolded individual will wonder why this has happened? Is there something deficient in the relationship? Does something need to be addressed and resolved?

Not us.

You should be kneeling before us on a daily basis and giving thanks for being chosen by us to be our primary source. For you to be unfaithful and cheat on us creates a huge wound. We are made to feel worthless, inferior and desperate. You have acted against us, you have operated beyond our control and you have criticised us. All of the matters which are of prime concern to us – status, omnipotence, power and control – have been eroded by your behaviour. You are a traitor. A base and venal traitor who has been corrupted by some outside and interfering agent. You have thrown everything we have done back in our faces (as we of course conveniently forget everything that we have done to you) and we hate you.

Such an act is one which ignites our fury as we now desperately require fuel to heal the huge wound that you have caused. This is no minor abrasion. This is a savage and deep strike which threatens to topple us.

The Lesser will respond in a furious display of his ignited fury. You will be physically attacked and beaten. You will be forced to identify who the other party is and as the Lesser of our kind drinks in the fuel from your tears and terror, it will not be enough. He will seek out the other party and assault them as well. Property will be destroyed, windows put through, car tyres slashed, rooms wrecked as the Lesser spirals out of control. He becomes a frenzied whirlwind which will kick out at anybody and everybody around him, but most of all you. Cheating on a Lesser carries with is a considerable risk of serious physical injury, even death as he loses control in an instant and cannot regain it. The extent of the wounding is so substantial that the fuel demand rockets. You can expect to be beaten unconscious and for the Lesser to wait until you have regained consciousness to assault you again. This brutality will be sustained and wide-ranging. It is only when fuel has been obtained from you and others that the Lesser’s inferno like rage will abate. He will then depart and seek out an intimate partner tertiary source (such as a prostitute) or an intimate partner secondary source (an ongoing prospect or find one) as he continues his punishment of you by having sex with somebody else. He will return and if you have not made good your escape by this point he will use your infidelity as a repeated stick (both figuratively and literally) to beat you with on a repeated basis thereafter, since each time he looks on you he will be reminded of your infidelity.

The Mid-Ranger will also lose control on learning of your infidelity. Whereas the Lesser will adopt an all-out assault, the Mid-Range will alternate between attacking you and wanting you feel guilty. He will want to talk the matter through as he struggles to comprehend how someone could this to him after everything that he has done. He will keep you up all night as he takes an almost masochistic delight in cross-examining you about every detail of what has happened. He will want to know who, what he does, where you met, how many times, whether the sex was good or not, did you use protection, why did you do it, why he is not good enough. The questions will be like machine gun fire, spat at you as he forces you to explain yourself. He will weep and then slap you. He will provide you with a litany of his good points (rejecting any suggestion of his failings being a catalyst for what you have done) and then spit at you. He will tell you that you should leave but he will not do it because he wants you to suffer. He wants you to look on his apparently heart-broken face and feel guilt and boy does he know that you do guilt. He wants to relish in your discomfort, your heart felt remorse as he gains fuel from your upset, your sympathy and your apologies.

Ever the attention-seeker from the crowd you can expect the Mid-Ranger to call your parents, your friends, your colleagues and anybody else he can think of to tell them about what you have done. He will stand on the telephone as he declares how hard hit is he by your awful behaviour and you will listen. He will organise a crisis committee and ensure several people immediately come to the house as you are put on trial again. He will relish in receiving the sympathy of others and the downcast looks as shame washes over you. No matter how justified you might have felt at seeking the attentions of another, the Mid-Ranger will keep at you until you break and sobbing wail your sorrow.

The Mid-Ranger will use this as evidence of you being a sex addict, that there is something wrong with you and insist that you attend a doctor of go to therapy to address this. He will not cast you aside as he wants you to do penance for your crime. He won’t confront the person you were unfaithful with, he is too much of a coward to do so but will rather ensure that your infidelity is used as a method of control. Thus, if you slept with a neighbour, you have to move house. If it is a friend, you see him no more and none of the associated social circle. You are placed on a curfew, not being allowed to go out for months on end in a social sense. If a colleague, you must move jobs. The Mid-Ranger will want you to work at repairing the marriage or relationship but he will not address his faults. Not at all. It will be all about making you improve.

The Greater is likely to know about your infidelity before you admit it. His extensive desire to control and his reliance on monitoring your movements through technology and his network of spying lieutenants means he will compile a dossier of information. In such an instance, where the Greater, aided by his own sense of paranoia, has suspicions, he will be able to keep his control in check and we shall return in a moment to how he responds when he has gotten wind of your cheating.

If he has not realised and you confess then the Greater will not be able to control his ignited fury either. He will erupt and it is in this instance that the Greater is likely to use physical or sexual violence against his primary source. His pain from the criticism is substantial but what actually tips him over the edge is the fact that he had not realised and he ought to have done so. His sense of being all-knowing and all-powerful is mortally wounded by your behaviour and this is just as bad as the fact that you have sought solace in the arms of the other. His usual substantial control will be lost and his malicious fury will be vented against you. You are likely to be attacked and then ejected from the property. All attempts to mollify him, to apologise, to try and make things right will be rejected. He will need a fierce burst of fuel from this one explosion and once it has been received he will assert his control again. From that point he does not need fuel from you. Indeed, you are no persona non grata. He will discard you and turn to another, embedding the prospective primary source as quick as possible in a show of defiance but it will not end there. You will be subjected to malign hoovers as he punishes you. He does not want you. You are soiled goods, tarnished, but he will not let you forget what you did and thus you will be smeared and subjected to a vicious campaign of malign hoovers.

If the Greater has worked out what you are up to, his delight at gathering this information (and thus reinforcing his cunning, guile and superiority) means that he can maintain control. Instead he will plot and plan. He will be quietly smearing you behind the scenes. He will be scheming to unveil your infidelity and to shame you. It is likely that he will use your birthday, an anniversary or an impromptu get together with friends and family so that he can have a grand audience for your execution. He will strike when you least expect it and the evidence that he has acquired (and he will go to considerable lengths to obtain it) will be unveiled on the big screen to all assembled. Thus, hidden video footage of you giving a blow job to your paramour in the house you shared with the narcissist will be shown. A slide show of the texts you pinged back and forth will be compiled after your ‘phone was breached. A recording of your conversations will be replayed (and suitably edited to make you sound even worse) to all of those who are gathered.

As the tears of shame trickle down your face, the Greater will revel in your downfall and the shocked and disgusted reactions of all around you. He will cement the façade and have you cast as the whore, the scarlet woman and the ungrateful bitch. Try pinning the blame on the Greater when your family and friends have witnessed two minutes of you being pounded by the neighbour on the marital bed. You have no chance.

Following this shaming, you will be discarded, a new primary source already primed and waiting in the wings and then the malign hoover campaign will begin, aided and abetted by our coterie, our Lieutenants and the now converted and disgusted third parties. You receive the equivalent of being tarred and feathered.

18 thoughts on “Cheating On The Narcissist

  1. Cherry picking says:

    Hello HG,

    I’ve been ready your great works for years now. It’s keeping me rain. I am married to a midrange narcissist for over 2 decades. Sex with him was always awful, just like chopping wood. At the beginning I had hopes that I could change that, since he did not have much experience before I came into his life with more than enough. I did give him (before realizing that he was a narc) the green light to cheat on me about a decade ago. As far as I know he has not done so and claims that he has no intentions of doing so because financially he can not afford another woman. Fortunately sex completely dried up. But he is heavily addicted to porn. What do you make of this?

    Thank you in advance.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Establish that he is a narcissist
      2. If he is, the fact you believe he has not cheated on you is likely to incorrect.
      3. His claim that he has no intention of doing so is Future Faking.
      4. With regard to his heavy use of porn, do read Sex and the Narcissist.

      If you want to understand the situation further, organise a consultation, Cherry Picking.

  2. I can offer a reason from my own perspective.

    My father was a narc. I was with him for 17 years. My current partner is a narc and I have been with him ever since the day I left my dad. (We know this already, blah, blah 😉).

    So. My current partner (somatic, I think? Who knows? And does it really matter?) broke the camels back with a final straw. He finally lost my respect. I knew that he couldn’t possibly know what was best for me. He was so unlevel and up and down, that I just couldn’t look up to him anymore.

    I need a god.

    I had been wanting to leave for years. I didn’t have the self esteem or self respect to do so.

    A new narcissist comes along, which of course was comfortable for me, without knowing why and this one is clever (we know this, blah blah). Impressive. Calm. Well travelled. Quiet. Gentle and attentive.

    But, what the?? I’ve never seen this before?? This exists??

    I’m used to a quick tempered, loud, crass, porn star, who’s difficult, argumentative and nasty, on occasion, violent.

    So, I think, if I’m honest, that I may have been trading my wolf in sheep’s clothing with braun, to a wolf in sheep’s clothing with brains.

    Both felt completely comfortable to me. Naturally (book an appointment with a long leather chaise already!).

    But the new one, had my complete and utter respect and I thought he absolutely knew what was best for me. I could follow, blindly but with complete faith. Happily! My perfect world (yeah, bring on the chaise!).

    Oops! F*cking OOPS!

    So while I’m not certain about the reason why I did it, I ‘think’ I did it, subconsciously at the time, to trade up. That’s not an easy thing to admit to myself or on a public forum, but I think it may be the truth of it.

    All I know for certain is….. that after the catastrophic mind-f*ck that was the new narc, I’m out! I’ll now appreciate ‘team somatic’ and succumb to the fact that maybe it really is; better the devil you know.

    Because the smart ones, like the REALLY smart ones, are f*cking superb at what they do. It’s effortless. If it wasn’t the most horrific experience that I could ever have imagined then I would worship at its alter. It’s a dance of spectacular brilliance and the reality of finding a smart one is a massive, gargantuan reality check. I don’t want one ever again (I say SOOOO easily, with sleep!).

    Ladies, gentleman, please, do not dance with the real devils. They are 1000 times more deadly.

  3. Taryn says:

    I’m curious if you have ever warned a IPPS that if she ever cheated, she would pay dearly for it, even with her life.

    The reason I ask is because I see a lot of similarities between you and the one in my life. I’m almost positive that he is also a greater. One time he looked at me and said very calmly as he walked across the room to where I was standing that if I ever did something like that he would snap my neck. I absolutely believed him. As I’ve mentioned previously, he is scary when he gets angry enough to unleash his fury, but when he speaks in that low tone very calmly with that predatory look in his eyes, it gives me chills. When he said those words, I got lightheaded like I might pass out from fear. It was a terrifying experience. I’d never considered him capable of literally killing me. Understand that, although I am very accommodating and acquiescent with people in general, I do not cower. Ever. He is the only one to make me feel this way, yet he has never laid a hand on me. He didn’t need to.

    Is this common amongst the greater of your kind?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I do not need to warn. They know they should never be so foolish as to cross me because they are aware of my capabilities.

      I would need more information Taryn to assess the individual as a Greater Narcissist and recommend you use this

      1. Taryn says:

        I will do so soon. Thank you, HG 😊

  4. Dj says:

    HG..could you please do a blog on a narc stating they will leave you alone after break up…he said it was apparent this is what I wanted since there is no contact. Be your insight is awesome!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I have made a note.

  5. Uriel H Anderson says:

    When I find very interesting is that, I’m a male with a ton of emotions for people, but the greater is something I would do to my narc ex and have tried to do I would love to do! However I’m not a narcissist. I also fall into the category of something wrong with you. I fall into the greater and the mid-ranger. You’re literally describing me, in my relationship with a Greater Narcissist?!

    The word feelings she says contempt. Can justify anything under the sun, even kissing another guy while she’s sitting in my lap..and “I’m controlling” And say it’s my already know the rest. Make a complete and utter public scene, through outrageous obnoxious language and behavior and it’s all justified! She smokes crack because of her back pain she says…

    1. Uriel H Anderson says:

      Neither could I find myself willing to cheat on her. Maxi had another girl naked beside me and didn’t do it

  6. Empath16 says:

    HG-can you write about when an IPSS escapes?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I have, it is called How No Contact Feels. See also the book Escape.

  7. Chihuahuamum says:

    I dont think its too uncommon a victim cheating on a narcissist bc a person can only take so much abuse before they look for solitude and support elsewhere and eventually disengage.

  8. Brian Stanley says:

    Cheers, H.G.

    I have previously utilized your keen skill set (narc detector, empath detector, Skype consultation) with laudable results. In our conversations we spoke regarding borderline personality, which I am, I believe quite accurately diagnosed with and would align with your own assessment of me having some empathic traits but more narcissistic ones. I was wondering If you had stumbled upon any a insightful observations or information or perhaps contrived some of your own findings regarding BPD?
    Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Brian.

  9. santaann1964 says:

    Wait one more thing it was with the first 2 best friends! Dam that felt good…….

  10. santaann1964 says:

    I cheated on 2 of my narcissists . I will honestly say if I knew then what I know now, I would of took the 3rds brother up on his offer! Dam! I could of done it with some fine Tito’s! Just saying 😂

  11. AR says:
    Link to a movie scene where groom exposes bride.

    It is safe to say that Christopher Masterson (Conner Layne) was a greater after i read your article.

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