No! You Are The Narcissist – Part 3
I wrote previously about the situation where you tell a lesser member of our kind that you know what they are and how they react to it. What then of the response of those of us who belong to the greater school of narcissism? How do we react when you tell us that you know exactly what we are?
Those of us in the greater school possess three attributes which are relevant to this matter. Awareness, intelligence and malice. We know what we do. We know that this is regarded as wrong by other people (although we are always able to justify our behaviour when considered from our perspective) and we know that our behaviour hurts people but again it is entirely acceptable because we matter and you do not. We are superior and our sense of entitlement allows us to do as we please. We also do not possess the burden of guilt, remorse or compassion and therefore the effects of our behaviour cause us no trouble. There is no moral compass to guide us or hinder us. We may also be aware of exactly what we are, a narcissist. This is not always the case but we do know that we do is considered as abusive. We are intelligent enough to realise that the accusations of abuse fit with what is regarded as abuse, but we are also intelligent enough to know that we must engage in this behaviour because it is necessary to the preservation of our existence. The inherent tension that might exist between choosing to abuse someone and the impact on our existence is one whereby the need to exist will always outweigh the downsides of abusing someone (which are few when looked at through our world view. You would feel “bad” for hurting someone, you would be concerned about how this would affect you relationship or your friendship, you would worry about how others would view you, you would be concerned if it involved the authorities, your employer, your church and so forth. These concerns are much reduced in our world).
You may not realise that we are a narcissist but you do know our behaviour is abusive. Should you label us as an abuser and in support of this contention list the various instances of our behaviour, how do we respond. Our reaction is not subconscious and immediate like those of our lesser kind. We do not respond in a knee jerk reaction. We know that we are abusive and your labelling of us as such initially has two reactions.
The first is that we fear that we are losing control. Control is hugely important to us because we want you doing everything that we want and nothing that we do not want in order to ensure that you provide us with fuel. Our machinations and manipulations are all designed to gain and maintain control. Much of this is achieved by you remaining oblivious to what is happening to you or mitigating its effect by blaming yourselves (which we aim to achieve) or making excuses for us (again, something we aim to bring about). If you do not truly understand what is happening to you, you remain paralysed in this confusion and you will not do anything about it. You will not challenge us, you will not try to escape us, you will not shut off the supply of fuel. Accordingly, we need to keep you bound to us and compliant. This requires control. If we think that our control is being challenged, is slipping or is being eroded then we must establish it and do so quickly. I will return to how this is done in a moment.
The second reaction is that your moment of enlightenment that we are an abuser (or even worse you actually know we are a narcissist) is one of wounding. You have found us out. You have seen through us. You have worked us out. The potential loss of control is troubling, this being found out is terrifying and damaging. You have wounded us because you have criticised us. By telling us that you know what we are, we have failed in maintaining the state of confusion, bewilderment and ignorance. You have pierced the veil. We are mightier than you, superior to you and better than you, how can it be that someone like you has managed to unravel what we are? What else are you capable of? Who might you tell? We have failed. We hate failing. It reminds us of things we have consigned to the darkest recesses of our mind and now you, you hateful, treacherous, disloyal bitch have done this on purpose. You have done this after everything that we have done for you, because you want to hurt us don’t you? This failure to keep you in the dark amounts to a massive criticism of us. This in turn ignites the churning fury that is always there beneath the surface. This ignited fury will mean we either withdraw, unleash cold fury or unleash heated fury.
Our awareness of what we are actually makes us more vulnerable to the accusation of “I know what you are, you are an abuser, a narcissist” than those of our lesser or mid-range brethren. We are far more susceptible to being wounded by this outing. Our awareness equates to a weakness.
All is not lost for us of course. Our intelligence means that whilst we know what we are and we are wounded by your awareness and accusation, we are not without the means of addressing it. Our intelligence allows us to deflect and deny. We will utilise these twins to fight back, applying our considerable minds to deny what you have said. We will challenge your evidence, deny its existence, twist it around, pull it apart, change the subject, focus on something different, blame-shift and project. Powered by our heated fury this onslaught will be brutal and sustained as we fight to regain control. We will batter you into submission so that you become frightened, upset, angry or frustrated and thus you will give us fuel. Our further manipulations will allow us to regain control as you shrink back from our vicious words. Everything will be thrown at you in order to stop the wounding, regain control and gain the required fuel to power this defence mechanism.
If the situation is one where we cannot risk heated fury then we will issue a flat denial and engage cold fury by subjecting you to an icy and prolonged silent treatment, either of the present or absent variety.
If really necessary and this is of the last resort, we will withdraw to escape your wounding and find solace with another who will provide us fuel to repair the gaping wound that you have ripped in us. We will remain away from you for some time as we recover and enjoy the fuel from other sources as we recuperate. We will return of course because there is a score to settle and more fuel to draw from you, but for now that will have to wait.
We will also engage our energies, once we have gained more fuel (either from you if we unleash our heated fury, from you and others if we unleash cold fury and from others if we withdraw) in rolling out a smear campaign against you. Now you know what we are and we know you know, we need to ensure that this pollution does not spread elsewhere. We will up our seduction of other sources so that they like us all the more and ensure we spread poison about you so you are not believed if you try to tell other people that you know what we are.
Finally, the third attribute comes into play. Malice. The mid-range of our kind would withdraw and seek fuel elsewhere and be done with you for some time until a hoover of positive fuel through a Benign Hoover takes place. The mid-range of our kind would unleash heated fury or cold fury to stabilise the position but then would engage a Respite Hoover or a Preventative Hoover aimed at playing down what you know, restoring the golden period for a while so you focus on that and not this new knowledge or to prevent you leaving us armed with this new knowledge. The mid-range narcissist would do all of this to try and diffuse the situation and prevent it being brought up again. This does not apply to those of us who are of the greater variety. You must be punished for your terrible offence against us. Your transgression must be addressed. Your treachery must meet with a consequence. Once we have established control again and recovered from your awful wounding of us then you will be subject to a malign and brutal campaign as punishment for what you have done. This will happen if you remain with us in a relationship. It will happen if you have tried to escape us. We want to rain hell fire down on you in order to punish you for your disgusting behaviour. This is our right. This is our entitlement. This is how we respond.
You may know what we are, but if you are dealing with the greater of our kind, you may reflect on whether you really ought to make it known to us.
11 thoughts on “No! You Are The Narcissist – Part 3”
I think my brother is narc, but he doesn’t know it. He is about to turn 21 we have a huge age gap. We had abusive childhood and most of the time being older I took on all the abuse to protect my brothers, but even as a child I could see that he lacked empathy. I’m a mother figure in his eyes as my mom was dealing with her own internal issues(yes she is narc). He fakes empathy in front of me and super nice to me but I know if I died or something he wouldn’t care. Because he doesn’t know what he is, he is dealing with lot of his own issues and not doing anything in his life. I have been trying to help him from so long but I have accepted it that I can’t.
I wanted to introduce him to your website but haven’t yet. When I pointed out to him that our mothers behaviours are narcissistic he noticed it (my way of telling him what he could be dealing with internally) and called me narcissist after few days than I stopped and created boundaries.
Is it good idea to tell him what he is rather than just him struggling.
Welcome Empath Queen,
1. To ascertain whether he is a narcissist utilise the Narc Detector Consultation.
2. If this confirms he is, it is pointless telling him – if he is Lesser or Mid Range he will not accept it, his narcissism prevents him from doing so or if he is a Greater Narcissist (very rare) it is pointless as he will not admit it because to do so is a transference of power and a Greater will not do this.
Thank you H.G. that’s very helpful.
You are welcome.
Dark, twisted logic, but I’m learning every day. Thank you.
Mr.HG you always picture the greater as a dragon, does it mean if gather the 9 dragon balls you will appear as Shenron and grant me a surnatural wish?
Of course. I am the granter of wishes. Comes with a cost though.
my wish would be to go to the one piece univers and live there a as pirate just grant my wish i will give you the dragon balls later.
no, it is not a future faking, i don’t know what you are talking about…..
PS: no dragon balls in one piece, we will never meet again, i never pay.
Ha Ha Ha (it is a valain laughter not a normal one) i created the perfect crime.
I’ve just been looking back through old messenger conversations with ex-narc-IP. One in particular was interesting. This was about 3 weeks before he got rid of me :
Me : “You do know me, for the most part. What I said yesterday wasn’t quite accurate. You know me better than almost anyone else knows me. Almost. Very occasionally you say things about me that you’ve observed that I hadn’t even realised myself.
But even so, sometimes you get me all wrong. Spectacularly wrong.
But yeah you know me well enough. I let you in, so you have no choice really.”
Him : “No dear, when I appear to get it wrong that’s when you are in denial.”
*Bit more conversation concerning business… Then…*
Him : “I have a new best friend. Well not really but I’m getting messages several times a day/ night to talk crap.”
Me : *accurately guessed who it is* (a mutual female business associate. Let’s call her Jane.)
Him : *confirms*
Me : “You don’t really have any best friend really. You don’t do best friends. I consider you to be my best friend, (side note : I did consider him to be my best friend as well as affair partner) but I know you aren’t the type of person to really consider anyone to be a best friend, let alone people from the *xyz* world. (Our field of business.)
Fred* is probably as close as you get. (* Name changed. Someone he knew from outside work that he mentioned often but never introduced me to.)
Jane will learn.
You see the thing with you is that you view the *xyz* world as separate from the real world. Everyone in it, including me, are figments.”
Him : “I was going to say you think too much.”
Me : “Yes I do. But I’m right.”
Him : “You don’t, you think as much as anyone else you just share it 😉 ”
Me : “Lol. I’m right though. You choose not to make any deep lasting connections with people in the *xyz* world. Everyone in your life from the *xyz* scene is there because they are useful to you. If they become no longer useful, they become no longer interesting. It’s just the way you are.”
Him : *quotes a conversation he had with his teenage son, where both accuses the other of having no friends.*
Me : “He’s like you then. You don’t invest any emotion in many people outside the family enough to want to spend time with them except Fred. You see emotions as weak and friends as unnecessary. But you call people friends if you see them as useful which is a different matter. If you go to social engagements you’ve been invited to it’s generally strategic, otherwise you wouldn’t bother.
People like Larry* though… (*name changed. Another mutual business associate) he was thoroughly baffled when you dropped him. He didn’t understand he’d outlived his usefulness.”
Him : “Larry is a cunt. Mary* (name changed. Larry’s wife) outlived her usefulness but she’s still on my FB.”
Me : “For now. She’s on there because it makes no difference to you if she’s there or not. You don’t really give a shit either way.”
Him : “You haven’t got a clue hehe. Keep guessing.”
Me : “Everything you do is strategic. I’ve been talking to you long enough to realise that you put no real stock in people as people. Only a very very select few.”
Him : “it’s more brutal than you think, she’s on there because it will confuse the fuck out of Larry” (+ many laughing emojis)
Me : “Well there you go. Strategy.
Jane won’t learn actually. Well I doubt it. Nobody else seems to realise just how expendable they are to you. You are a powerful man you know. You draw people to you with this crazy magnetism, but everyone is a pawn in your chess game. I’ve never known anything quite like it. It’s interesting to observe. It’s very very clever. It’s how you build your empire.
I was a pawn last year when I didn’t know better. Now I’m not. You can’t control me because I see it all.
But… I choose to love you for the person you are. You’re not a tough hard man. Inside you’re vulnerable.”
Him : “You are fucking boring is what you are 😉 ”
I was so close, wasn’t I?! I didn’t know anything about narcissism but I was so close!
But how stupid was I to think that he didn’t control me. That I somehow was immune to his manipulation.
It must have rattled him though, me being so close to the mark. It’s no real wonder he had to get rid of me. I think even if I hadn’t told me husband about the affair, he would have got rid of me anyway. I could see through him too much. Although I loved him regardless, that wouldn’t have mattered to him. My love meant nothing.
Before I read any of H G’s warnings about communicating a send-off letting a narc know you are aware of what they are, I had already done so. In an email message, I didn’t call him a narc (though he is), but presented the behaviors and tactics he uses. I wrote about 3 paragraphs. I ended by telling him that my daughter, his niece, was also aware of his tactics and warned him that he could not take anything else from her (re inheritance).
His response was unexpected. He said, “I don’t know how to respond”. Followed by, “I don’t recall taking anything from my niece.” What?
I thought, at last. Maybe he is thinking about what I wrote and he will “get it”.
Nope. He just picked up where he left off. Same behavior, same tactics.
I wish I’d said something like, “if you live by the laws of the jungle, you leave a lot of relationship carnage in your wake”. But regardless of what I said, he wouldn’t care. My pearls of wisdom, trampled. So much for my world view but I do like my world view