Let’s Talk About Ex, Baby


When you entangle with our kind in a romantic dynamic it is very rare indeed if you do not find yourself hearing about our ex. Whether it is the ex-wife, the ex-boyfriend or the ex-partner, the subject of the ex is one which will appear with considerable frequency. Indeed, you may not even meet this person but you will feel that you know them almost as well as you know yourself, the amount of time we spend talking about them to you.

At the outset of your ensnarement, it is highly likely that we were already in a romantic relationship with somebody. You may not initially be told about them, we may reference them because we utilise their existence as a magnifying factor to increase our opportunity to draw fuel from you and to bind you to us. It might be that their existence is referred to once you are ensnared, when we instinctively realise that you will not back away or we may refer to them almost as an afterthought when we have dis -engaged from them and made you the Intimate Partner Primary Source.

Whether we tell you the truth that we are married or we keep the existence of a significant other until afterwards and then we fudge precisely when we broke up with them, it is not a matter we consider as especially relevant. What matters to us is that we will keep telling you about them.

During your golden period, be it when we have targeted and seduced you or when we have embedded you, the ex will be painted well and truly black. We will tell you how this person is a truly terrible person. The immediate ex (or he or she who is about to become the ex) is the person spoken about the most, but other exes may well make an appearance too, especially if we want to portray ourselves as a super hero for enduring them or poor done to martyr. The ex or exes will attract one (or more) of the following labels:-

  1. Crazy Bitch – she is wild, unpredictable and clearly cuckoo for coco pops. We tried to help, to be understanding and make them see that there was something wrong with them, but despite our best endeavours she just could not see it. She had no insight and whatever we did was thrown back in our faces;
  2. Controlling Ogre; – he never let us do anything. Always checking where we were, who we were with, what we had been doing, we felt like an tracking device had been placed on us and everything we wanted to do was a battle beforehand;
  3. Addict – whether it was drink, benzos, weed, expensive shopping habits, gambling, junk food, it did not matter, this person had a terrible addiction which of course we tried to help them with but they would not be helped;
  4. Jealous Lunatic – he was always accusing us of having affairs, seeing other men, flirting and being obsessed with the attention of others;
  5. A Narcissist – the ex was definitely one of these (we might have read about it and it sounds good or the ex actually called us one so we threw it back in their face) and this meant he or she was an awful person to us, oh the stories we could tell you about this terrible condition and indeed we will;
  6. Violent Abuser – he or she would attack me, I had to call the police so many times to deal with them, a passer by once had to rescue me after he started to punch me in the street, I am a big fellow so I can handle myself but it was still unpleasant to have someone you love kick you in the balls
  7. Obsessed – she just would not give me any space to myself and even now, even though I have told her that it is over, she will not leave me alone, I don’t mean to frighten you but she is probably stalking me at the moment, she just cannot seem to accept that it is at an end
  8. Criminal – he was up to all manner of criminal enterprises, stealing cars, selling drugs, burglary, it was just too much. I don’t know why he did all of this when I was earning enough money for the two of us but he just kept going and in the end it was too much when he tried to get me involved;
  9. Addams Family – she was just odd. Her family had to be with us all the time. We moved in with them to save rent but then when we finally got somewhere of our own, every time I got in from work some member of her extended family would be there and it was like there was always at least three of us in the relationship and well, I am sure they were just a bit too loving and close if you know what I mean.

There are plenty more of labels which I am sure you can add. The fact is however that you will find we will talk about this person with daily regularity, treating you to the latest anecdote about this person’s aberrations and anomalous behaviours. You receive a forensic examination of what this person said and did as we recall it all in such detail that you can see it all in your mind.

This harping on about the ex of course is done for several purposes:-

  1. Drawing sympathy from you over how we have been treated;
  2. Appealing to your empathic traits to soothe us, help us and love us after this awful experience;
  3. Appealing to your desire to outdo your previous competitor by showing you are a far better partner than that person and thus in turn we gain more benefits from your increased desire;
  4. Making us look like a good person to have tried to help the ex;
  5. Making us look like a decent person to have persevered;
  6. To cause you to dislike the ex so that you will respond in a hostile manner should your paths cross with them;
  7. To ensure the ex has no credibility if they attempt to go down the route of trying to warn you about us;
  8. To create a ready excuse for any poor behaviour we might exhibit should the mask slip (“I am sorry, it is clear I am traumatised after how Kate treated me.”)
  9. To draw fuel from you in terms of your sympathy, your anger, your hatred of what that person has apparently done to us;
  10. To support the smearing which we will have done as we prepared to dis-engage from that previous IPPS.

At first you will be pleased to hear about these daily bulletins briefing against your former competitor as this will serve to quash any fears you may have that we might go back to them or that we might succumb to an approach by that person to win us back. The more you hear us pour scorn on them, the happier you feel and the more secure you become. We will talk about them as we secure your allegiance to us, always reminding you of this spectre that promises to be the ghost at the feast.

Once you have been embedded then often we will then cease to talk about them because we have effectively deleted them from our mind as a consequence of the embedded golden period we are now enjoying with you. However, if there is reason for them to keep appearing in our sphere of influence (the ex keeps contacting us to understand why we dis-engaged from them, to sort out the return of property, to attend to child contact arrangements, to address matters appertaining to a divorce) then we will keep mentioning them. We will have no interest in engaging with this individual because we want to consign them to history but if they keep appearing then we will keep mentioning them for the purposes of drawing further fuel from you, by referring to the She-Devil or the Ogre.

Accordingly, the daily bulletins, smears, insults and so forth about the ex will follow this pattern:-

  1. Extensive mention as we start our seduction with you as the soon to be ex enters the final stages of devaluation;
  2. Continued mention once you are embedded if the ex appears in our sphere of influence;
  3. Mention effectively halts once ex stays out of way and the Embedded Golden Period commences.

Reaching point three however means you will have experienced plenty of discussion and observation about the ex as everything has been picked over in minute details. If there was a word cloud for this period of time between you and us, ‘you’ and the ‘ex’ would rival one another for primacy.

Yet this frequent mention of the ex is not yet over.

Once your devaluation as IPPS begins then the ex (or other exes) will start to be mentioned (or mentioned again) but of course all of the slurs, smears and insults will have been wiped away at this point because now the ex (or exes) will be seen in a ‘white’ light compared to your position in a ‘black’ light. Accordingly, you will be compared and contrasted to this ex on a daily basis and in the following ways as they are referred to in some or more of the following ways:-

  1. The Only One – she was the only one who truly understood us and how we want her back;
  2. The Super Sex God – he was dynamite between the sheets and you long for that excitement once again, compared to the damp squib we are now with;
  3. Mum of the Year – she is so good with the children, far better than you Wicked Step Mother (of course the children may well back this up either because they truly think it (hardly a revelation) or they have been manipulated to think this way by us);
  4. Domestic Goddess – she had this place shining and tidy, great dinners on the table and always looked great. Look at you, you are a mess, you cannot cook and this house is a tip. What have I done?
  5. Cash King – boy he worked hard, brought in good money and looked after me. What do you do? Nothing or you have a poorly paid job (compared to him).
  6. The Saint – she would never have treated me like this, you conned me into going with you and luring me away from such a wonderful woman, I hate you for it.
  7. Clean Living – he looks after his body, eats properly, doesn’t drink much and look at the way you go on, eating junk and smoking (you ate one burger in the last six months and smoke maybe two cigarettes a day – but it does not matter because split thinking has manifested once again)

Again, there will be many more labels for the person who once was the Devil Incarnate but is now Back On The Pedestal. To compound matters when you try to point out how we labelled them and referred to all of the ex’s awful behaviours, we will accuse you of making things up, being jealous, projecting your own behaviours and so forth which will leave hurt and utterly bewildered as to what on earth is going on.

We will talk about going back to the ex which will leave you dumbfounded when you point out that this person has done awful things (according to us). We will deny they have, euphemise their impact or refer to the fact that the ex has changed (of course this then alerts you to the fact we have been engaging with them behind your back which is often the case as we hoover them). If the ex is responding to our hoovers and is being seduced once again then of course you know what is happening to you when we speak with them don’t you? Yes, that’s right, we are giving you the labels we once gave to them as we talk about how we have been conned, how we were misled, how the new IPPS actually told us lies about you and we were taken in by them.

Never our fault. Always somebody else’s.

Triangulation is a major part of the narcissistic dynamic. It allows for two strong fuel lines, it causes parties to fight over us, it makes them work harder to keep us (or draw us away) when they perceive there is a threat. It is an excellent manipulation which delivers time and time again.

Accordingly, we love to be able to talk ex,baby.

11 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About Ex, Baby

  1. Lorelei says:

    This is so fun to read HG! I’m amused by the crazy I was painted because there is a almost a paradigm from the same playbook for these “crazy” comments. I was married to a complete idiot so I guess I am too. Omg how did I ever..!

  2. Pati says:

    He bashed his ex from the start. Saying that she lied about being pregnant just to trap him and he gave her money to get rid of of her.

  3. Gab says:

    HG, what if a narcissist wants his new IPPS to mirror his former intimate partner? Of course new IPPS doesn’t know he wants her to do this.

    For example: this narcissist when seducing new partner always asks for recommendation of things, profiles, brands, he should follow on social media “please tell me a few profiles you really love, I will follow them too”. And of course he also gives you recommendations “follow this, this and that – they have some great content/ this is cool, really funny”/etc.

    And what if those profile he recommends to new IPPS are exactly the same profiles his former IPPS recommened him to follow as her favourite? New IPPS does what he asked, she thinks they are just profiles her new boyfriend really like so she follows them too to be connected, have something in common but she has no idea they are his former partner’s favourites… not his.

    Why does narcissist do that? Does he want new IPPS to be just like his former? Or does he do this deliberatery, he wants his former partner to get hurt if she sees it? And get hurt the new partner if she find out it was something that kept him connected to his ex? I think its really creepy.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He does it because it is easy and the best way to assert control over the new IPPS. It will also triangulate there former IPPS when she sees her recommendations being mirrored to the new IPPS if she happens to be stalking the social media of the narcissist. This will, for most narcissists, be an instinctive response.

      1. Gab says:

        Thank you. In later stages, especially during silent treatments or after escape/discard he uses it in his passive hoovers when you are in no contact by liking some posts on these profiles hoping you will see what he liked and get the message.

  4. The Tramp says:

    Wow. He did this constantly. In fact, it’s how he roped me in. Told me all about her. How she was awful, controlling, a covert narcissist. I believed him. They were “supposedly” done. Over. It was a loveless marriage. Won me over, after all, they are now separated. Then, when I was onto the fact that he was abusive, (his jealousy) while he was cheating on her was explosive, he would throw it in my face that she is a better woman than me. Okay, great. Then why cheat on her? In the beginning, I never got that miffed. I didn’t care. But as time went on, it was a constant. I was never allowed to mention any past boyfriend, relationship, you name it. He could tell me of all his encounters and remembered them from 20 years ago. Anyway, he is now getting a divorce. I was supposed to become the lead IPPS. Is that the correct term, HG? I was to become the main fuel source. He wanted the divorce. But…everytime I threw up a red flag, or would set a hardcore boundary, I was told how great she is. “She doesn’t have male friends. I never had to put up with that with her.” Exactly and she is a nun and that’s why you are so fucking bored. Anyway, this last time, he said that she went onto my FB and Instagram accounts, my business accounts and I am objectifying myself to men. I am a jeweler and photos are taken of me wearing my jewelry. So after a great weekend together and a time where we travelled hours to meet my family a few weeks ahead of that, he now is calling me a whore, because she said this to him, which I don’t even honestly believe. Does she hate my guts? You bet, but he stalks my pages and thinks I get too much attention. He can’t stand it. So, he blames her for this and says she manipulated him into believing I am a whore. He then breaks up with me, wants me back the next day. I said, “adios.” He then goes to her and tells her that I am harassing him. Who is harassing whom? He is harassing me. I had to have a restraining order put on him. What does he do? She shows up to court with him and their ten year old son…OMG… and gets her to lie on his behalf and say that I am stalking her and trying to hurt her. We are talking some crazy lying, triangulation, you name it. The judge saw right through it and told them to knock it off and it was dismissed. This guy is seriously dangerous and he is using his wife as a pawn, and sadly…they are divorcing and I don’t even understand what she is doing. He cheated on her, lied to her and she is sticking up for him? IT makes zero sense. There are times HG where I want to have a consult with you. These two are crazy. Both of them. It is triangulation at it’s best, or worst. It’s too ghetto for me and I am not a ghetto kind of woman. This BS is low rent. And….and, now I am the narcissist. He is following “how to free yourself from narcissistic abuse” right now on Facebook. It honestly makes me laugh. I get upset by it but at the same time, I find it rather entertaining how insane he is. Meanwhile, I keep moving on, doing what I do and do not give him an ounce of seeing that he perturbs me in the slightest.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I recommend you do organise a consultation, The Tramp.

  5. lisk says:

    His ex-wife was Controlling Ogre. Not only did I hear about her in the past tense, but also in the present, as she would often visit him in his sleep via nightmares about her entrapping him. I was always helping him analyze the nightmares in bed. Ugh.

    I am pretty sure I am Jealous Lunatic, Obsessed, and Negligent/Unloving.

  6. Gypsy Heart says:

    Yes, “Lets talk ex baby”!

    I certainly heard plenty of this about the wife and how he wanted to leave her. He was really vocal about calling her bipolar to anyone who would listen.

    Later he started telling me I was crazy and jealous. He would rub my shoulders, laughing, saying “that’s OK, all women are crazy”. My smart mouth replied ” no, all women are not crazy, and if it appears that way maybe you should determine what the common denominator is in that equation! That would be you dumbass!”

  7. Kelly B says:

    You conned me into going with you and luring me away. Among others listed there I heard.There is alot of acting going on.

  8. cogra002 says:

    In the US we say Coco Puffs, not Pops. 😁
    What happens if we triangulate back?
    I do with some of your British sayings, lol.
    “Just tickety boo today, thanks for asking ”
    Narc = 🤔

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