In The End It Has To Hurt


By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.

In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it.

It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos.

I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.

This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit.

Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream alone and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me.

It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.

I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream.

Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.

I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out.

We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.

In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.

4 thoughts on “In The End It Has To Hurt

  1. Kelly says:

    I have been entangled with a greater. Now tham over feeling like an idiot and I understand what happened, I find your kind very fascinating. I do thoroughly enjoy reading your articles.
    Evil and sick as your kind may be.

  2. smarinucci1970 says:

    🎶😸 of course it hurts it kills you you’ve met this person you shower them with your love your kindness you’ve let them see how vulnerable you are and every situation in some cases it’s more than just a great friendship It’s A Love Affair you’ve given them your your body to do as they wish with and some cases you thought you met your soulmate someone you want to spend your future with in many cases you’ve showered them with gifts monetary you’ve bought them things that no one else would you’ve listened to their stale boring jokes that no one else would you’ve tolerated much bad behavior you’ve worried about your own health because they may or may not be promiscuous yeah it does hurt you’ve missed out on many dinners many many many Formal Affairs that they never showed up for they’ve made an ass out of you in front of your friends or your family and you’ve taken it as they knew you would you told them how handsome they were when no one else saw it you’ve nurse them back to health when no one else cared you were dying to hear a compliment that you would hear from them someone else but they would never tell you you looked great you smelled great your hair was great others will but not this one yeah it hurts hurts everytime and then we meet someone like HG Tudor and then we find out why everything fits in and then our mind goes to the Past our parents and then we play back every situation that was bad and then it goes to our friends our neighbors and then we wonder why why so much only playback the tapes in our head and we can’t sleep at night and our stomach Burns of acid and we can’t eat and we look in the mirror we see his shadow of what we were six months before we do everything to hide it but we see it we see the damage it hurts just like it was meant to hurt and if you’re very compassionate and you think of others before yourself then we suffer deeper deeply I want to scream the top of my lungs help me help me help me and God always does thank you Hg. TUDOR I believe you are being used to do good in this field by a higher power THANK YOU AGAIN ⚘🌷🌎🗣

  3. Leah says:

    Damn. I always thought he *my-stbxh* was incapable of truly seeing what he is doing, that it isn’t on purpose. But now, I think he must know exactly wgat he is doing and if that’s so, then he really must be soulless.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is unlikely he knows exactly what he is doing, that would mean he would be a Greater Narcissist, and those are very, very rare.

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