Forever Wrong Upon The Throne

FOREVER WRONG UPON THE THRONE

It is late.

The time is somewhere between the witching hour and when the devil stalks the land yet the pull of slumber has yet to be felt. The darkness envelopes me with only the silver burnish of moonlight to pick out the objects around me and ensure they retain some familiarity.

It is cold but I do not object, content to sit with the window open and allow the night air to infiltrate my domain. The cold touch of the darkness soothes me and a calm has settled upon my person. I am sat, alone, yet I have  no concerns, for the day has proved fruitful, as always,  in my quest for fuel. Although not sated I am neither in desperate need nor bloated from my repeated extractions.

There is room for more, there is always room for more but I do not feel that driving need to acquire more. Instead the stillness and the calm engulf me as I sit here and look out from my elevated situation, through the wide open window and across the garden and the fields beyond.

My still alert eyes detect no movement of beast nor breeze. The trees still as if in silent salute. The birds that so often fly past are nested for the night and in the distance the intermittent hoot of an owl is a reminder that although I am sat alone there is still something out there. It is at times like this, when the freneticism has subsided, the hurly burly of the day’s cut and thrust has given way to this rare and unusual state that I remember.

My gaze remains steady as I look out across those undulating fields, fields so similar to the ones that we used to run through didn’t we? Where are you? Where are you now?

Why are you not sat beside me, king and queen like we used to when we planned our lives all that times ago? You must forgive me. I have not thought of you as often or as deeply as I ought to have done but I have been about other things.

I know you understand. I know you recognise that the demands made upon me would be beyond others and that I must attend to those demands. I know that you realise that to dwell too often would leave me weakened and that must not happen but moments such as these, when I find myself feeling freed of my burden then I am able to reach out to you, wherever you may be.

Although I do not often permit it, you remain etched into my memory and I know with the certainty that the world will not stop spinning, that you will always reside in my memory. Yet, I must confess, that is not enough. Should a moment or an instance bring to the surface an element of our past I am bound to push it away, cast it deep into the recesses of my mind and place it behind bolted door and fearsome gate.

There is not hope for me to do anything else, for to indulge in recollection at such times would distract me too greatly from my endeavours. I know I ought not to do it but I must do so. For such moments I am moved to seek your forgiveness from your benevolent self in the full knowledge that I am told that I deserve none.

It is now when I sit on this chair and besides yours, ‘our thrones’ as we once called them, that I am able to allow your memory to consume me. I reach out with my hand and expect that somehow I will feel your cool hand slide into mine just one more time yet there is nothing.

Just that absence that has remained constant no matter how hard I labour to fill it. We would sit side by side wouldn’t we and look out across those fields through which we ran to our secret places, those sanctuaries and idylls dotted throughout our kingdom?

We issued our declarations as one, formulated our ordinances of governance for the betterment of our subjects and did so with great gladness. Do I miss doing so together or have I just been conditioned to believe that I miss it?

Where are you? Why will you only show yourself as memory ? Why will you not come back to me ? You could do so, even if as a shade to haunt me as I sit amidst this encompassing darkness. Do you remain distant from me to punish m, joining the legions of the traitorous? Have they turned you against me? Perhaps you do and I am told that such punishment is only right for one such as I.

I know myself for what I am and I seek to purge that which grips me each and every day through the frenzied application to my endeavours in the hope that they will allow me to be granted absolution and you will return. I swear, I swear by all that I am, I would accept these labours at a tenfold if only to see you once again, hear your voice and look upon you as you take my hand as you always did. We joined as one and we were better for it were we not? Come back to me? Return. Sit beside me once again and let us find that which we once had and should always have.

I sit in the darkness as I say these thoughts aloud, my low and steady voice seeming distant and disembodied. I pause and wait expecting you to answer but there is no response.

Come back to me because for all that I have done and for all that I am about to do, without you I will sit forever wrong upon the throne.

And I must be right.

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49 Comments

  1. HG, I don’t understand the sense of this article…please can you explain what you were meaning? It seems to me you are thinking like an empath, as you are missing your former partners It a reflection of yours? Your emotional thinking? Something fabricated?

  2. I love this one too because you sound so human before you veer off at the end and erase your thoughts and feelings with a short five word sentence.

    Emotional thinking for us is our own creature then, it’s our own coping method? We have our own demons too inside us keeping us from changing, but that we are capable of defeating and functioning without? Unless we veer off and stay in our comfort zone like our mirror opposites and unlikely companions, narcissists, do? We have demons too, our et.

    1. If you wish to regard ET as a demon, feel free to do so. ET is a device which feeds your addiction and it is the enemy.

      1. Thank you HG. I do see it as an entity inside me, my own manipulator that I feed and keep alive with anxiety. No wonder we’re willing victims with a narcissist, it keeps us in our comfort zone. I’ve just now really understood that ET isn’t necessary, it isn’t real, I don’t have to feel it, it doesn’t do anything for me, and that just stopped it in that moment. That takes such a load off, releasing that out of me.

        1. Well done. That is the application of logic. ET is of no use to you, it must be reduced to the absolute minimum and kept there. I will give anybody who wants that assistance the tools to achieve it and by following my direction it is achievable.

          1. Thank you HG. I’m very lucky that you’re doing this blog, it’s amazing how you’re helping us all, and I’m very grateful.

          2. Kel: Very important. And also notice, when you discuss Emotionally Thinking, you still do not branch out to say that it is addicted to Narcissists. You basically mention worry and anxiety etc. Why? To not offend Emotional Thinking and to not drag out, kicking and screaming, into the bright light of day, the biggest desire of our cunning and treacherous and traitorous and cowardly Emotional Thinking? Narcissists? Nevertheless, our problem here is that Emotional Thinking is Addicted To NARCISSISTS. How many people are tough enough and `gangster` enough to say that Emotional Thinking is Addicted to Narcissists? Raise your hands and give a shout out. Well, I am. Here Goes: Emotional thinking is Addicted to Narcissists. And we need to keep this fact of Emotional Thinking`s addiction to Narcissists at the forefront of our minds, now, and going forward, and not keep this fact and these words hidden somewhere protected under soft, sweet-smelling, cozy, snuggly blankets in the back rooms of our minds. In short: Emotional Thinking is Addicted to Narcissists. Rinse and Repeat.

        2. Kel, That’s interesting, I’ve never looked at ET as not being necessary or real. I’ve always just thought I had too much of it. I will have to think on that more.

          1. Mercy
            For me, emotional thinking is like adrenaline with an anchor on it, that stops me in my tracks instead of putting me in gear. Anxiety and worry can feel like streams of panic biting into me and it’s all I can focus on. But it’s not useful or helpful or even necessary or natural, so why be consumed with it? Feeling those emotions won’t help get us out of our predicament, they’ll only keep us in it. I used to think we had an extra dose of emotions too, but it’s probably just a morbid side effect from living with narcissists, and it keeps us from being logical. Empaths have a little bit of a sixth sense though, I think, that we can kind of sense what others are like or what’s going on inside them.

          2. Kel, I don’t think I’m completely on board here but it has given me something to think about. I feel like there has to be a level of emotional thinking in order to have emotions. But yes I do feel like for us, the emotional thinking can be the enemy if we are not aware of what is controlling us and what triggers that loss of control.

          3. Absolutely Mercy, but I just want to clarify that I’m saying Emotional Thinking is about Unhealthy emotions like worry, fear and anxiety- those emotions cloud our thinking and keep us from being logical. They harm and don’t help, and were created from word salads, gaslighting, smears, and all that treachery. I’m all for good, healthy emotions, whether they make me smile or tear.

          4. Is there a distinction between emotional thinking and emotions? They may overlap to some extent, but they are not synonymous.

          5. Ok this is coming together for me. Right now I’m thinking I don’t want to go to work = emotion. I should take the day off = emotional thinking. Get in the shower I have too much work to do = logical thinking

          6. So wanting to take the day off to play on narcsite, logical thinking or emotional thinking? My new thought for the day.

    2. Kel: I definitely consider emotional thinking an enemy. And it is a master of disguise, as well. And always lurking and fighting us and our good sense and logic, for its reckless moment in the sun, or rather, its reckless moment to embrace darkness. And it is a coward and a traitor: When things go bad, because we followed the emotional thinking, it puts up a `do not disturb sign.` We are left to pick up the pieces, as many pieces as we can find and pick up, on our own.

      1. PSE,
        I agree that ET can be a bad thing but I believe without it we would be N’s and that would be a living hell. Of course not that we would know it was a living hell because we are N’s but still a living hell. Of course we would not know it was a living hell because we are N’s but still a lving hell….and the cycle repeats

        1. Kel: Wait, Wait, Wait. Hold on, Kel! You just made my point : that Emotional Thinking wears many successful disguises, and is a Master of Disguise. Remember, there are Healthy and Good emotions that we have, and they are logical, and they are our friends. Emotional Thinking, HOWEVER, is an entirely different entity, and an ENEMY. EMOTIONAL THINKING is addictive to the Narcississt and puts on a masterful cloak of disguise, as normal and heathy emotions, in order to deceive us into accompanying it, our Emotional Thinking, to visit and think about and spy on and engage with the Narcississt. EMOTIONAL THINKING WILL HIJACK ANY WEAKNESS IN OUR GOOD AND HEATHY EMOTIONS, and our LOGIC, TO DECEIVE US ON BEHALF OF THE NARCISSIST. EMOTIONAL THINKING IS ATTRACTED TO AND DESIROUS OF AND IS ADDICTIVE TO THE NARCISSIST, AND will trick us to attach to the Narcissist by any means possible. Here is a quick formula: Healthy Emotions = Good. Emotional Thinking = Bad! When we ruminate on thoughts about the Narcissist we are gorging and stuffing our Emotionally Thinking. We are on here, Narcsite, in order to learn how to defeat our emotional thinking by strengthening our broken down Logic and our weakened Healthy and Good emotions, depending on our personal circumstances on a case by case basic. Feed E.T. and it will grow. Starve it with logic. Starve it! With Logic like: why are you on here on Narcsite? Let me make a random guess, Kel: Something bad was going down.

  3. This will always be one of my favorites. HG do you ever go back and read any of your old comments from years ago? I’m sure you don’t have time for that, you can really see where not only the blog has grown, but you have changed and grown also. With everything thing that you now do, it will always be your writing that captures and stays with me always. 🙃

    1. Thank you FM1T. No, I do not have time to re-read the old comments. Perhaps one day, when I am sat on my throne, I will.

      1. Dearest HG: I started listening to you on audio, long before I switched over to Narcsite. When, I did start coming over here, it took a while for my eyes to become accustomed to reading so much, but I still heard your voice when I read, even though my eyes had to become accustomed to reading. Question, HG, is it odd or normal that I hear your voice, when I read your works? I never asked anyone if they heard a person`s voice in their mind, when they read that person`s work. This has never happened to me before. But, I always hear your voice when I read, and it adds another layer to my understanding, that I would miss out on if I had not known about and listened to your interviews and audio on youtube, etc., all those many months ago.

    1. Cyn
      Does that mean you’re sad because you have emotional thinking or because your emotional thinking makes you sad?

      1. Desiree, I have heard of female sirens, calling out to men on ships. This is a male siren. A male dove`s cooing love call. Very, very seductive. Who could withstand it. Not many women could withstand a constant barrage of all this.

        1. PSE
          I think Robert Greene called that category of men the “Rake”, as opposed to the female version “Siren”. There are lots of literarian Rakes that I completely understand people becoming obsessed with, all of which were narcissists. Lord Byron even drank his wine from a human skull and yet all the ladies tripped over each other to try and be the one to tame him. Now that I think of it, I guess that added to the intrigue. He later placed his illegitimate daughter in a convent and never visited her. She died there at the age of 5. Oh, and he engaged in an incestuous relationship with his half-sister. I suppose knowing this stuff upfront might have helped some ladies (including his wife) to not get caught up in it regardless of the appeal, maybe it wouldn’t have mattered.They could not stay away from his beautiful bouquet of a dozen red flags.

          1. Desiree. By the way, I did look into Robert Greene when you mentioned him to me a few months ago. He is not a lightweight. But, his tactics are more for seducing and controlling normal women and men. Narcissists have `antibodies` against his methods. Natural and instinctive and genetic and honed survival instincts against anyone and anything that attempts to control them. Narcissists will sense when someone has the desire to control them, which is the desire that lurks beneath ALL of Greene`s tactics. And if mental workers, friends and acquaintances, etc. promote Robert Greene`s Rules or Laws of Seduction as a relationship remedy to people, hapless people are going to land into a world of disaster, when they attempt to apply Green`s seduction and control tactics against Narcissists. There is going to be trouble.

          2. PSE
            Yes, Robert Greenes work is useless advice for non-narcissist and narcissists don’t need it. He does a good job at breaking down the behavioural patterns of the great narcs of history and I found it interesting to read as an assortement of case studies throughout the ages. I had not considered the danger it might pose to a hapless person who reads this and assumes they might actually be capable of this kind of warfare. All they would do is put themselves on a silver plattern for narcissists to strike. However, it should be obvious to anyone that people like Lord Byron, Pablo Picasso, Marlene Dietrich or Lou Andreas-Salomé did not, in fact, have to read a manual to be who they were and do what they did. So if you do, it’s clearly not for you. I wonder what Robert Greenes actual intent was when he published that book. The person who showed it to me called it the “Bible” and she is currently enjoying what seems like her thirtieth golden period with “the one” but this time, it’s serious, of course. And he is “eating out of her hand”, of course.

        2. Desiree….A rake is possible, but it is missing a little something, something, yes? Is there a male called a charmer? A lover? A hero? A rake? A male siren? A cooing dove? All of the above when necessary? I think HG would be a combination of all of them. So, Mr. Robert Greene needs to step it up if he wants to label men that have multiplicitous (is this even a word?) esoteric sides of their personality, in general, and HG an Ultra, in particular, men that can choose seductive behaviour far beyond what an ordinary rake has in his toolkit ( NYC is raining rakes, so nothing new is there). But, if Mr. Greene has not met the Ultra, Mr Greene is forgiven. Green is labeling men as best as he can with what and whom he has to work with.

          1. I don’t think HG falls in any of these categories PSE, as he is everything to everyone. Nobody compares.

          1. Desiree: No worries. I am not his type. Whew. My sweet freedom is very safe. Remember what you read about Greaters in his book: Sitting Target. So, there is peace in my little castle. I need to work on being safe from myself, actually. Instead of being worried about being safe from others. I am my own danger. Red Flag.

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