Getting Away With It (And What You Can Do)




There are many things that we do (and do not do) which cause you to feel upset, angry, fearful and frustrated. One of those things that I regularly witness is the fact that we appear to always get away with it. We come up trumps. We emerge smelling of roses. We ride off into the sunset without seemingly a care about anything. You meanwhile are left to pick up the pieces, put your life back together and wonder what the hell has just happened. We seem to be able to get away with doling out reprehensible behaviour, often with no comeback or repercussion. We leave you in the dust and swan off with a new prospect, full of smiles and Facebook picture postings of us and our new appliance. We are still liked and lauded by our friends, even some of your friends may still want to have something to do with us. Our family are unfazed by what has gone on. Those that we work with listen to what has happened but do not alter in the way that they behave with us. We go on with our lives as if nothing has happened. You appear to be forgotten about. Certainly the way we have treated you is regarded as if it never ever happened. We always seem to be heading onwards and upwards. We always appear to be winning. We are getting away with it. Why is this?

  1. It is the way we have been created. We are not designed for musing on the past, ruminating on what has gone before and reflecting on the things that have happened. Old fuel is no good to us. We need to keep moving forward in order to locate and absorb our next fix of fuel. This programming results in us always moving forward and in so doing we do not cast a backwards glance.
  2. We are untroubled by remorse, guilt or conscience. We do not care and therefore unlike somebody normal who would show upset, embarrassment and sorrow at our such behaviour we do not. We are able to shrug it off and continue irrespective.
  3. We are never accountable. Everything is your fault. Having such a mind set makes it far easier for us to move on with what we need to do. Indeed, not only are we not burdened by the concept of having some form of culpability for what has happened, but we are helpedby the notion that you brought it about, you were the traitor and therefore we are entirely justified in doing what we do. We have a right to move on and find someone else.
  4. We are entitled. Our huge sense of entitlement justifies to us that whatever we do is correct. This further adds to our sense of always being right and therefore that even if we felt remorse, we have no need to do so. It is a double whammy.
  5. Our charm and seduction means that it is easy for us to find somebody else who will fall for us. We rarely find ourselves cut adrift in a howling wilderness, devoid of emotional attention and lacking fuel. We ensure we have a replacement source of primary fuel lined up. We focus on this new person and channel all our effort to embedding them as our primary source of fuel.
  6. The façade. We create a façade from our family, friends and colleagues and this is very hard for you to shatter, especially in the state that you are when you have been discarded. This façade gives the impression that everybody accepts and agrees with us and not you.
  7. Deletion. Following your discard, we effectively forget about you unless you keep appearing in our spheres of influence. This ability to jettison you so dramatically enables us to keep moving forward. We to all intents and purposes forget about you.
  8. We are experts at fakery and conning. This means that we often manage to worm our way out of situations involving the authorities and law enforcement. We point the finger of blame at you instead, we appear calm and reasonable (contrasting with how you present yourselves as) and so few people know what we are and even fewer understand it, that we are able to wriggle away from such difficult situations with ease.
  9. We are brilliant at portraying that our life is marvellous. We are the masters at presentation, after all, did we not weave an incredible illusion that conned you when we first seduced you? We give the appearance of being incredibly happy with our new partner, that our life is going well, that we are loved and adored by so many. This positioning and projection of our apparent circumstances to the world creates the appearance that we continue to get away with it.
  10. There are rarely repercussions. Our victims are not in a position to do anything to achieve revenge over us. This is for several reasons. First of all, most of our victims have no idea what they have just encountered and therefore are unable to challenge something they do not know about or understand. Secondly, our victims find themselves exhausted and worn down, they just do not have the resources to fight back. Thirdly, as a consequence of the way we manipulate you, you are left still loving us and wanting us and therefore your thoughts are aimed at winning us back and not at securing some kind of retribution or revenge.

Thus the totality of these characteristics and situations combines to give the impression that we are always winning and thus that we are always getting away with it. But are we? How can you deal with this apparent state of affairs which only serves to upset you, frustrate you and anger you? Turning to each of the above points in turn.

  1. Understand this is the way that we are. There is nothing you can do about it and since this is the way we are; it is not your fault. We have to do this. You do not. Who is the winner now?
  2. The fact we have no conscience or sense of remorse is just how we are. Again you cannot affect that. Do not waste your time and energy appealing to something that is not there.
  3. We regard ourselves as unaccountable. That is our outlook. Does that mean that we are right about that? From your perspective we are not. You ought to content yourself with your perspective. Do not think that you can do anything to change our perspective. Leave us to it and maintain your own perspective and stand by it.
  4. Our sense of entitlement is based on our perspective once again. You do not have to accept that.
  5. The fact that we entrap someone else should come as no surprise to you. Remind yourself that the basis we ensnared you is exactly the basis on which they have been ensnared. We have not “won” the heart of that person fairly. We have done so through deceit. We have cheated in order to create the appearance of winning.
  6. Those who form the façade have been subjected to our charm and lies for a significant period of time, on the whole. You are unlikely to be able to change their views and certainly not if you appear frazzled and hysterical. Why do you need those people to know the truth? You do not. Perhaps in time you will be able to set it out for them and let them reach their own conclusion but if they remain ensconced in our illusion that is a matter for them and is not your concern. You got out.
  7. The deletion may feel harsh. Again it is our methodology and there is no need to trouble yourself with it. Instead, you ought to be focused on deleting us from your life.
  8. Bide your time, acquire the evidence and present it when the dust has settled. We took you by surprise when we seduced you, we came out of nowhere. If you have a desire to see us held to account by the powers that be, wait and present the best evidence you have in a rational fashion and leave the rest to the relevant authority. If it works, you can celebrate. If we wriggle out of responsibility do not be dismayed, just regard it as further confirmation of just how easy it is for people to be conned by our kind and be thankful you now know about it and you are moving on.
  9. You have finally understood that we dragged you into an illusion. All that we are doing is maintaining that illusion to the rest of the world. It is not your role to keep applying a pin to burst that illusion. Other people must work it out for themselves. Remember that what we are showing the world is just more of the illusion and you know now the truth.
  10. It is not your position to exact retribution at this stage. You must look to yourself and to your own defences. If revenge is to be applied, it must come later and in accordance with the methodology which works which I have set out elsewhere otherwise it will fail. You may draw greater satisfaction from progressing your own life, rather than dwelling on “getting even” because exhibiting your contentment without us, when we do eventually consider you and notice, irritates us considerably. Even worse is when you ignore us.

It is evident that we do move on without concerns and therefore give the appearance of always winning and always getting away with it.

The key for you to remember is this.

It is an appearance.

15 thoughts on “Getting Away With It (And What You Can Do)

  1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    The same cycle repeats itself. I’m not even bothered anymore when it happens (when they replace you). I just cut, delete and pretend they died. They are replaceable and it was all a lie. I think the hardest part has always been facing the reality that it could have been like anyone…that anyone would do. That they didn’t see how special I really was and that it’s all the same. Well, they are all the same to me so fuck it lol.

    Of course I get angry because of all the bullshit and how they have wronged me. Basically, depending on the offense and the situation I will strike back accordingly but in a way that can’t be detected lmao. I mean you gotta wait awhile lol. I don’t typically even bother with revenge most of the time because me disappearing is enough but with some people who did some real extra next level shit….I don’t go after them…I disappear and wait for my opportunity. If this opportunity presents itself and is low effort and I care enough to put that much effort in…I’ll stike but they won’t know where its coming from.

    1. Lorelei says:

      Excellent excellent Harleen—if the opportunity presents indeed.

  2. Honestly, most of the time the best course of action is to simply disappear and remind them that they don’t matter.

    Complete no contact is the way to go. What you don’t know can’t hurt you.

  3. Gypsy Heart says:

    I certainly learned my lesson in going up against a narcissist. It only caused more complications in my life. I now know the only thing to do is cut some losses and move on without them. Still struggling, but life is much more peaceful. He is an aging, fading narcissist that has lost many fuel lines. He will create his own demise, just as his alcoholic, narcissistic father did. The number of people who compare him to his father infuriates him. His facade isn’t as great as he would like it to be anymore.

  4. Dolores Haze says:

    HG, why would an otherwise self-absorbed Narcissist, an UMR in this case, willing to infiltrate the victim’s personal milestones (be there either in person or via constant contact online/texts), such as a wedding (not to the narcissist), birth of a child (not from the narcissist), important public performance (not the narcissist’s industry)? Subconsciously creating ever presence? Trying to bind the victim even more? Control? Entitlement? All of it? I don’t understand.

    1. HG Tudor says:


      There is much more detail to this, beyond which that I can explain in a blog comment.

      1. Dolores Haze says:

        I’ll make a note to bring it up during the next consultation.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Jolly good.

    2. Desirée says:

      Hi Dolores,
      if I understand your question correctly, the article “Birthday Blues” will give you great insight, not only with regards to birthdays, but how narcissists view such occasions that are not about them.

      Keep in mind narcissists can “infiltrate” these milestones in benign ways as well, depending on what is required to keep the victim ensnared. I remember being subject to horrible fights, sometimes even in the days leading up to an event. I also had the narcissist talking loud and publicly about how PROUD they are of me during such celebrations because I am basically an extension of them and all I am and ever will be, I owe to the narcissist, obviously. I now understand that neither option is better than the other, your ET will only have you think it is.

      1. Lorelei says:

        I can’t imagine a narcissist trying to ruin a birthday! Trying being the key word.

        1. Dolores Haze says:

          Do you mean they don’t try to ruin, they just ruin? 😂

    3. FoolMe1Time says:

      I had trouble getting a grasp of this also. I consulted with HG and he got it cleared up with me. Sometimes I do better listening to his explanations then I do reading about it. 🙃

      1. Lorelei says:

        Foolme—loads of previously baffling behavior makes so much sense. I recall a few years ago a local pastor blamed the teen he had a relationship with for coming onto him. I remember thinking “Who is dumb enough to say this publicly?!!!” NOW I get it—from his perspective he was the victim! He genuinely felt it was not his fault. This disorder is incredibly intricate in how it functions on auto pilot.

  5. Pranali says:


  6. Sweetest Perfection says:

    On a Harley? I bet njfilly is about to lose her shit! Anyway I am used to the fakery. My narc apparently is posting pictures of himself in the gardens of our town but tagging London. My husband just asked me if he was in London. I didn’t answer though I know the answer: of course he’s not, but he heard from friends I’ll be shortly. There you go. Mirror mirror on the wall… I am not impressed by his efforts to look happy, I know he’s not.

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