Jealous of Your Contentment
Granting you contentment is part of our design when we seduce you and grant you the golden period. The provision of your contentment at that juncture in our entanglement provides the luscious positive fuel to flow in our direction and all is well. We truly do delight in seeing you content with the illusion that we have woven for you. It is when you and us move into the stages of devaluation and discard that we regard your state of contentment in a wholly different manner,
During devaluation if we witness you appearing content, we are overcome with jealousy. Why should you be allowed to sit there satisfied, happy and relaxed? Why do you not suffer the repeated unease of the desire to gain fuel when those supplies become low? We look across the room at you, your features composed in an expression of peace. The envy rises and we despise the fact that you are sat in pleasant repose, seemingly all at ease with the world. We invariably associate that your composed appearance is achieved in order to annoy and frustrate us. You know don’t you? You know that we have this churning fury inside us which shifts and slides. You know that we have the growing hunger for fuel and how this creates a restlessness in us. You know all of this and yet you sit there, revelling in our discomfort. If you cared you would not be enjoying that book, talking on the ‘phone to a friend or watching your favourite television programme. No, if you loved us properly then you would be ensuring that this restlessness was banished and that our sense of power and might was reinstated. Your content state is being bandied about in front of us, teasing and provoking. You are mocking us because you are achieving something that is denied to us at that time. How dare you behave in this manner? How dare you forget about our needs? This is symptomatic of the selfishness we knew you possessed and now you wave it in our faces suggesting that somehow we are inferior to you. This will not do.
Your contentment at this stage amounts to a provocation and is tantamount to a criticism of us. You have achieved contentment whilst we experience restlessness and you know this don’t you? Oh, we know that you will pretend to be unaware of what you are doing, but we know your game. We are not fooled by these protestations of innocence so when we fling the dinner plate to the floor, shattering the plate and silence, causing you to jump up in fright, you knew it was coming. The plate lies broken and your contentment in one swift move is similarly smashed. You are not allowed to be content unless it is by our say so. We want you on tenterhooks, your nervous eyes looking to us for approval and consent. Exhibit any sign of being relaxed, at ease or content and we will take action to destroy that state in an instant. We will pick a fight, create an argument, call you a name, break something, interrupt you with an insult walk out and slam the door and so many other actions all designed to remove you from your contented position. When we see you like that, you remind us of what we cannot achieve at that time and we hate you for it.
It becomes worse when the relationship has ended. Whether you escaped us or we discarded you, there will come a point when we turn our sights on you again in order to extract that wonderful hoover fuel. It may be weeks or months later but we will have been undertaking observations in order to determine the most effective way of hoovering you. If we see you getting on with your life, radiating happiness and an air of contentment it infuriates us hugely. How dare you seem happy without us? You are meant to be broken and distraught, that is how the aftermath is supposed to be. Admittedly, it usually is, but every so often we may find that one of our victims has seized the power and advanced his or her position, forging through the emotion and formulating their recovery. It may be the case that we have seen you on one of the few good days, the bad days taking place where the world cannot see, but that does not matter to us. Should we witness you looking well, smiling, having lost weight, or looking fitter, dressing elegantly, meeting friends with laughter and smiles it wounds us considerably. You seem to have forgotten us. You are bound to us, forever, have you forgotten that this is the case? You are at our beck and call until the day either of us breathes our last, yet here you are striding across the street, hair glossy and styled, posture confident and uplifted and meeting somebody with a kiss and a broad smile. This was not meant to happen. You exude contentment, a confidence that we thought was shattered and unlikely to be rebuilt for some time. How did this happen? Who has caused this transformation from the sobbing wretch we left without so much as a goodbye to the contented person we now look at from the shadows? It may be a one-off, it may be a glimpse of something that is a work in progress, but such considerations do not matter when we see it. We are wounded by this display. You appear to no longer need us. Where is the stooped figure? The haunted individual with dark-circled eyes and pallid skin? Where is the comfort-eater that we mocked so horribly? Where has the lank-haired, nervous shuffling person we tormented gone to? This was not meant to happen. Ever.
Seeing you so content post escape or post discard is a massive criticism to us. The lesser or mid-range of our kind will most likely slink away, regarding this show of strength (temporary even though it may be) as evidencing somebody with defences high and radar warily sensitive. Any hoover would be doomed to hoover and might even result in further injurious harm. No, the lesser or mid-range will retreat and return to the new prospect that has been acquired and other sources of fuel and make a mental note that a hoover at this juncture is unlikely to meet with success. The Greater of our kind will seethe and glower, dismayed and wounded by this peacock performance. Unseen, we will send baleful glares your way as we formulate a way to pierce this shield of contentment. Schemes will be concocted once again in order to hammer this contentment into nothingness. The Greater may, if sufficiently motivated, spring forward and unless malign actions for the purpose of drawing negative fuel, preferring to adopt such a tactic rather than seek to draw the target back in. It is time to lash out and destroy rather than capture. Our fury is ignited and our calculating minds will ascertain that this can only be a veneer. It is far too soon for you to appear to content again, no matter how much it appears genuine. We want to halt the recovery before it gathers any more momentum and thus the Greater will unleash a savage malign hoover, smearing and hurling insults, dredging up those historic vulnerabilities in order to break the contentment again, just as we did those many months ago during devaluation. The ignited fury drives the Greater forward to shatter, break and destroy and if successful, then he or she knows that further malign assaults can be rolled out to cripple the recovery. Once the recovery has been derailed, the contentment eradicated and the veneer of confidence stripped, then the golden period can be dangled again before the quivering victim.
It never does to see you contented. This is why when we see it during devaluation you will suffer and adverse reaction. Following the cessation of the relationship it wounds us considerably and will generate a certain response dependent on the type of our kind that you were entangled with. The maintenance of contentment is indeed a blow against us.
22 thoughts on “Jealous of Your Contentment”
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I LOVE THIS ARTICLE !! it explains everything about a particular summer night at a party… However, with his Narc ex (and he knew she was a narc because he admitted he knew this to me) He would let her act however she wanted as she tried to gather fuel… it did not bother or provoke him when she looked content… but with me… oh with me he just wanted to tear me down every chance he could get !
I am back on the journey of taking care of myself (I’m down 10 pounds so far 🙂 ) and now that I know this… oh it makes me want to go out to an event he will be at SO BADLY once COVID has calmed down. I just want to go with my improved figure and laugh and smile all night…even if its fake as hell… and re create that one summer night he just erupted with jealousy… except this time I will know his game. I will understand why. And in my fantasy I keep it together as he erupts inside (as he would never erupt in front of a crowd)… I don’t even feel I need a new man (although that would be a nice touch) but I mostly just fantasize about me.. being perfectly radiant….perfectly content… just to piss him off.
Oh YES!
My narc hates to see me happy. If I’m happy, he’s annoyed. Whether it’s turning on the radio and singing, or engaging in a hobby, chatting on the phone, etc- .
You can see the strange looks he gives myself and our children if we’re sharing a laugh, or enjoying each other’s company.
Thinking back, in all these years I don’t think I’ve ever seen/heard him have a really good fit of laughter. He’s just a miserable human being, and would like it if his “ loved ones “ were miserable right alongside him. What a sicko .
Hey Everyone,
I hope those who celebrated Thanksgiving had a great holiday, obviously the Holidays are here, and the Narcissist’s behavior will be in full throttle for the rest of the year. I am having a very odd week in regards to the Narc Ex. Last year, I dealt with so much drama of the Narc not returning our daughter when he was supposed to. The police were called constantly, and it just became a fuzzy haze of drama. This year, I predicted that even though we had better court orders, he would probably pull the same stunts. He did. He asked for my daughter early for thanksgiving, and didnt return her until a day late. Not only that, but he sent me text messages saying that he was withholding our child, because it is “God himself getting even” with me. Just bizarre all around. I drafted a petition already with the courts to be seen asap after the holidays, while the facts are hot. I didnt engage with him, I didn’t rage back, I just got my exhibits together so that the judge would believe me. I also predicted that he would try to withhold our daughter on thanksgiving, so my family planned the saturday after to stay 2 steps ahead.
All was going well, and then when it was time for the ex to pick up our daughter again, he messages me that he fell off a letter and broke his leg. He was at the ER, and wanted me to swing by and be there for him, with the excuse that it was all in the name of “coparenting”. I told him I would take care of our daughter at my home, and that he can just keep me updated in regards to his medical condition, and so forth. Suddenly he was sending messages that he could have died, then he claimed he was all alone, the he claimed he was having “trauma surgery”. I was so annoyed, I didn’t respond. Because I didn’t answer his text, he is not informing me about his ER Narcissist ordeal, or when he plans to come get our daughter at all. My heart goes out to all of you who had narc parents.
ANM
Shitty deal all around, but you’re doing the best you can. I know it’s hard, but keeping moving forward. Your daughter has you, and what a gift that is you may never know. But she will. I do.
NA,
Thank you for the kind words. That means a lot to me.
His jealousy took me a while to recognize. I am sure now, that fact had a part in why he would not accompany me most of the two years after the first six weeks. He seethed even when i glanced in the direction of any male. He was jealous when I had happy conversations with women, even cashiers or neighbors. He gamed hours on end, I became bored! My solution was ear buds and music. I only did this once since he roughly grabbed the wire to jerk them off my head with a verbal lashing for ignoring his activity, my ears weren’t available to him. Apparently, my violations were excessive. In hindsight his triangulation methods intensified everyday, after the ear bud incident. I am not the jealous type (getting there again slowly) but I did succumb to being jealous, so-much-so that I can’t fathom how he did this to me. But I found myself being jealous just seeing an attractive female even in his absence. I would imagine he wanted her more than me and a video would play in my brain of them being together, I felt insane.Even after I left him in June, I was plagued, triggered with profound jealousy seeing a pretty lady and literally anger with anxiety escalated in me to near uncontrollable levels. Some form of a trauma bond, jealousy bond? was injected into me. Just in the last three weeks this has released some of the hold on me. And I just wonder if his triangulation tool/ skill was redoubled in retaliation. I just told him in the last 24 hours that I am through messaging or having conversations with him. As expected his response was intense just the first line so I didn’t even read past sentence number one. i feel good about his absence or my absence from him. Hopefully the jealousy bond will continue to fade.
So he can ignore you with gaming but you can’t ignore him with earbuds?
Because narcs.
So glad to have my suspicion confirmed. Jealousy and envy are not qualities I easily pin on someone so it’s good to read this article as this is exactly what happened to me.
As I changed and became more content and confident, after much hard work, I might add, “savage malign Hoovers, smearing and hurling insults, dredging up historic vulnerabilities”, began. I had no idea what was happening. Why wouldn’t a mature adult (my brother), be happy for my improved state?
I concluded that since he was not experiencing this himself, he wanted to spoil it for me, thus trying to “break the contentment”. His actions against me demonstrated that extreme jealousy over me having something he did not was at the heart of it.
I told a friend the behaviors being used against me and didn’t say that i suspected they were spurred by jealousy over my contented state. Just asked her what she thought might be going on as it seemed so senseless. She immediately saw it for what it was and stated that he is Extremelllllyyyyy Jealous.
I had demoted him to an upper Mid-Ranger but may need to rethink as this and some other things I’ve noticed seem to be the hallmarks of a greater. Will consider a Narc Detection consultation.
Since he is now No Contact, it’s not as urgent, but still might benefit from knowing more about what he is.
This i can really relate to! Both with the narc and in the office setting.
The narc….when im too happy or things are going very well with my side business he will either a. Make a comment to downplay or create conflict or b. Create insecurity thru some other means. It reminds me of HGs writings where he ruined his gfs garden, let the dog out of the yard and ruined his gfs pen. Whenever the focus isnt on them 100% or they see you very happy it reminds them of their inner unhappiness and how hard it is for them to ever feel any sense of content. They are jealous we can feel it easily. Gratitude is a main reason we can feel contentment and they are never grateful.
In the office setting i see it with higher ranking positions where bc they delegate all their work they have time to triangulate other staff and cause problems. If they see someone too comfortable in their job they are jealous and feel the need to shake things up. Thats bc narcs are never at peace or feel secure and to see someone else feel good about their position creates jealousy and so they have to throw something their way to create unrest. Like a criticism saying they didnt do something or triangulating them with another coworker. Its a chess game and they enjoy moving the pieces on the board. Things can never just run smoothly thats too boring and gives them time to look at their shitty inner self.
C-Mum. Plus, we know that life is not `fair.` But, when they notice that you have an obvious and statistically unfair advantage in any area of your life? Oh, boy! They sure want to level the playing field and point and blame-shift at you and castigate you, and tell you that you do not understanding anything because of that advantage. Even if you have gone through the same thing that they tell you that you could not possibly understand, and you tell them as much. And they would absolutely take away that advantage from you, if they could. While, refusing to reflect upon any advantages that they have, of course. While, they always look at your advantage in a NOW moment, and will refuse to reflect about your entire life, and surmise, or even consider: well, maybe he or she does deserve some luck, in at least one instance or area of his or her existence. But, no! You will be forever on their malice radar for anything that they consider to be an unfair advantage on your behalf.
C-MUM,
I have so many stories about cut throat competition in the work place. The worst of my experiences though, came from working with narcissist women. I worked in Corporate Finance which had the most amount of Narcissist in an industry, but I also have worked in the wellness industry, where you would think would only appeal to empaths, but I have even met sociopathic nurses and massage therapist who claimed they loved “helping” people. All in all, whether they were clients or colleagues, the male narcissist never targeted me, and actually created a good working relationship. The women, were nasty as can be
Soooo… HG, will my Mid-Ranger stay away? And if he does appear to Hoover me, or triangulate me over a non-existent emergency, shall I politely wave in genuine gesture and keep moving out of proximity?
I cannot provide you with an accurate answer without having more details about your circumstances and therefore I recommend you organised a consultation and I can then provide you with an accurate response.
I would not wave. No gestures at all, really, not even a finger.
And when I’m lying in my bed
I think about life and I think about death
And neither one particularly appeals to me
And if the day came when I felt a natural emotion
I’d get such a shock I’d probably lie
In the middle of the street and die
I’d lie down and die
-Smiths
My narc sent me those lyrics about 6 months ago.
This makes me terribly happy.
Because you’re contented?
NotMe – yes, in part. It took me so long to figure out I was dealing with a narc that I went through the normal phase of texting him, “what happened, what did I do”, etc which is very out of character for me. Normally if someone blows me off, I’m quick to cut them out of my life and move on. But I was (still am, a bit) so addicted to him that I kept trying to fix things. Once I got to this site and understood what I was dealing with, I began acting completely neutral and content with the narc, and in acting I am starting to feel content for real as well. But it mostly makes me happy to know that my contentment is driving him a bit crazy, since he doesn’t really show it, outside of no longer giving me the silent treatment. I’m glad to hear he feels some of what I felt all that time that I was a confused basket case!
Hi BL
I’m glad you’re feeling contented for real. Sorry if I seemed to be prying, I’m just interested in how this stuff evolves over time. I’d feel happy to think he was being driven crazy by my contentment too. I know I shouldn’t care, but I own to the narcky trait of pride. Besides I’d have to pretend to be content at the moment, still in the basket phase. Are you still in contact, is that how come he knows you’re content? I’m going to give the ‘fake it til you feel it’ strategy a try I think.
Notme – yes, I am still in contact. We are strictly online at this point, but that includes social media, so I make it known that I am doing great. I haven’t been hurt in the same way that many others on here have, so when I say I am content, I also have to include in it that I am content to be on a shelf with him. To some this sounds degrading and I get that, but for me, now that I know what this is, I am ok with it because we both have other lives and are ultimately using each other. When he’s around he makes me feel sexy and wanted. If that changes, I’ll go no contact. But for now, when he disappears, I just let him, go on with life, and know he’ll be back. I think the fact that I AM so content with it is what keeps him coming back. He’ll even come back apologizing sometimes when I haven’t even mentioned him being gone. It doesn’t suck. Lol
Me too!
It shouldn’t and I feel a bit guilty, but it does.
We are so lucky really. Everytime we fall down, we dust ourselves off and then, just stand back up. We do it with even more compassion and more importantly, with more strength each time.
These Narc’s come along with so much malice and hate and think that they can damage us beyond recovery.
We were made as we are in early childhood too and if our own families couldn’t rip us apart and force us to rebuild as broken, how on earth could some narc just waltz along and think they can do everlasting damage?
No cigar.