The Rules of Seduction



We are the masters (and mistresses) of seduction. We are experts at choosing our targets, gathering information about that target and then moving in for the seduction to commence. It is rare that we get it wrong in terms of our target selection. It is even rarer that our seduction fails.

Much of why our seduction is so effective rests on the nature of our targets, the traits that appeal to us and which we focus on. There are however several reasons about the way we conduct our seduction which means that a successful entrapment is more or less guaranteed. These rules of seduction are put into effect (whether through instinct or calculation (the latter being reserved solely to the Greater Narcissists)) whenever we want to seduce someone and draw them under our influence. Here are five of these rules which are entirely applicable to the way we seduce and contribute to how you, as our victims, are seduced.

  1. Opposites Do Not Attract

People often cite the adage that opposites attract. This is usually rolled out as an excuse for some imbalance and considerable difference between two people in a relationship and is often quoted by the weaker or more dependent of the couple in an attempt to explain away the seemingly incongruous set-up between people. There are always anomalies but in the majority of cases it is not a case of being attracted to someone who is your opposite. You are attracted to someone who is similar to you. When people refer to their intimate partner as their “other half” this is exactly what they are looking for. A near-mirror image of themselves because  people love themselves and it follows that loving someone who is like yourself is natural and more likely to result in a successful relationship. You are looking for your other half. This is why we mirror so extensively. We ascertain from our preparatory work what you like and how you behave and we then mirror this. You want someone who is similar in intelligence, socioeconomic status, moral outlook and general likes. If you are a tolerant and liberal-minded person you want someone who has a similar world view. Thus we will copy and replicate those traits you exhibit and make them our own. We do this across the entire spectrum, ranging from the minor (you like watching spaghetti Westerns so we will) through to major stances and views (you are pro-choice and therefore we will mirror those views as well). It does not matter if we do not share those views, whether we are disinterested or even hold opposing views. We know that in order to attract you, you want to find your other half and therefore we hold up a mirror to you.

  1. Just Reward

We are aware that if you receive or perceive the receipt of a benefit from certain behaviours then you are more likely to repeat that behaviour. This is a prime way of gathering fuel but also of drawing you to us because you feel good receiving this benefit so you want to keep doing it. Accordingly, we very quickly allow you to realise that we will be pleased by you doing certain things such as complimenting us and praising us in order to cause you to do them again. We will treat you well if you behave in a certain way so you do so. We will sound happy, take you out, buy you gifts, say wonderful things to you. It becomes like pressing a button. You take a certain step and we will respond in a positive manner so you will keep doing it. Knowing that you are able to please us and we will then do good things for you and say good things to you means you become drawn to us all the more. This repeated reinforcement is something we aim to cultivate. Why do you think we keep doing the same things with you as we did with all the previous victims?

  1. Familiarity Does Not Breed Contempt

With you the more familiar we seem to you the more attractive we are to you. This is a basic principle. You feel at ease in a room with people you know as opposed to a room full of strangers. Of course in the normal development of a relationship the cultivation of familiarity evolves over time and builds gradually. The more familiar you feel with us then the more positive you will be towards us. Accordingly, it is important for us to be familiar to you as soon as possible. This is why we undertake such preparatory work so that we present as if you actually know us. We will refer to having been attracted to you for years, suggest we have known you for a long time in order to engender this concept of familiarity. We also seek to increase this familiarity once we engage with you. This is one of the reasons why we spend so much time with you during the seduction.  This also links with the first rule of attraction above. The more we mirror you, the more you recognise the things you like, they are familiar to you and thus the attraction increases.

  1. Stereotypically Good Looking

For all the comments about it being what’s on the inside that counts, that personality is more important than looks and other such supposedly meaningful comments which are designed to make the less fortunate looking feel good about themselves, it is a simple fact that people are motivated by physical appearance. The stereotypes that are attached to being good looking are those that someone who is of good looks, who is handsome, beautiful, pretty or physically attractive are that such a person is regarded as kinder, more sociable, more outgoing, more trusting, more intelligent and so forth. That immediate judgement is made by people within seconds of meeting somebody. This means that our victims are drawn to us through this initial assessment in addition to the unconscious drivers caused by their innate addiction.

Accordingly, this means that many of our kind tend to be good-looking. I do not mean necessarily stunning or of model looks (although there are those people in our number) but people who would be regarded as good-looking. Even the relatively average of our kind in looks will enhance that position through the effect of the other rules of attraction. It is unlikely (albeit not impossible) that your narcissist was physically ugly, the later ugliness came from elsewhere, but that does not figure as a rule of attraction. They may have been relatively average in looks, but as in terms of being representative as a percentage of the population, our kind are far more evident amongst the ranks of the physically attractive when compared to our numbers as part of the world’s population as a whole.

  1. Confidence Breeds Confidence

Confidence is attractive. Not cockiness (though this can be appealing to some) but that strength of conviction, the fact we are self-assured, comfortable in our own skin, at ease as we prowl and move. Why do we have this confidence? The fundamental reason for this confidence is that we are doing something that we have done scores of times before. The first time penalty-taker in a world cup competition will be nervous. The seasoned pro who has been there before is far more confident. When you have been doing your job for twenty years you exhibit greater confidence than a rookie starter. We are creatures of habit. We are well-practised in the way we behave. We operate in similar ways, adopting the same behaviours and this gives us an ease and an evident confidence which proves irresistible to those we have in our sights. Our confidence makes you feel confident that being attracted to us is natural and the right thing to feel.

25 thoughts on “The Rules of Seduction

  1. Violetta says:

    “Stereotypically Good Looking”–What about Harvey Weinstein, Roger Ailes, and Alfred Hitchcock?

    If patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel, is the casting couch the last refuge of an ugly narc?

  2. Hope says:

    There was one narc I was involved with who did have ugly facial features but his charisma was overwhelming. He worked out so he had wonderful arms and chest. He didn’t have proportionate calves but he always wore pants even in the gym. He always wore nice things, and he was obsessed with shoes and hats. He did always have a nice haircut perfectly lined up as well. He was meticulous about his facial hair, even his eyebrows. The effect he had on me was so intense so quickly I found myself trying to look at him like a stranger again so I could see how he was ugly and feel less influenced by him. The effect of his personality and all the other little things he orchestrated to gain influence made me feel like he was so powerful in an exciting way. My body would have a physical response to just hearing his voice or smelling his scent in the hallway without even seeing him. I was very aroused by him and his opinion meant so much to me. It happened so fast I wanted to take my power back knowing it was dangerous how my mood changed so quickly with a word or inaction, but I never did try hard enough because it felt so amazing and uniquely passionate and powerful in a good way when it was good. Little did I know… It would turn out to be absolutely tragic and destructive in a way I’d never known before. Now, I understand it better.

    I had this idea that ugly people might be more appreciative. He proved me wrong. I also knew a guy who was very ugly. He worked out with me a few times as a friend- we are coworkers. He told me that he dated a stripper and cheated on his wife. He also told me his wife cheated on him and she is just as ugly but also grossly overweight. After my ex-husband narc experience where he was much more attractive than any guy I dated I had been hoping that if I lowered my standards for aesthetics that I could find loyalty. After all, I can learn to love anyone. If you can love an ugly dog, you can love an ugly human. Meeting these people punctured that balloon.

  3. FYC says:

    RE #5: While confidence is often gained by repeated behaviors that result in improvement or success, confidence, or being comfortable in your own skin, can also spring from self-acceptance, flaws and all. If one has healthy self-esteem and self-acceptance/self-worth, confidence can result. One can also gain a degree of confidence in knowing that we all learn through failure and that failure does not define us. How we perceive and process our failures, and how we decide to move forward is a better indicator of who we are or where we are at in our development. Learning from mistakes and moving forward promotes confidence. Personal responsibility can lead to confidence. Laughing at ourselves and not taking failure too seriously can also promote self-acceptance, confidence and self-esteem. An empath can have self-confidence, yet would not use this as a tool to manipulate or deceive another.

    1. FoolMe1Time says:

      There you go again FYC, being amazing as usual! 🥰

      1. FYC says:

        And there you go again, FM1T, being most kind as usual!😘

        1. FoolMe1Time says:

          Somethings just will never change FYC! 😘💞

          1. FYC says:

            In the case of your kind heart, FM1T, that is a wonderful thing for all💞

          2. FoolMe1Time says:

            Oh FYC, once again you are speaking of yourself sweetie. 💞

          3. FoolMe1Time says:

            We should probably stop before we cause HG and NA to 🤮! 🙃

  4. Caity says:

    Let me add quickly, that I had a few photos where the ‘hobbit’ could be seen (long since purged after going no contact; he’d seen them but–evidently–noticed nothing), and that this has never happened with anyone I know, narcissist or not.

    1. Notme! says:

      Narc goggles instead of beer goggles maybe?

      Powered by ET which temporarily switched off and let you see the real hobbit guy instead of the facade?

      1. Hope says:

        I concur with the “narc-goggles” phenomena.

  5. Caity says:

    More of a question, I suppose. My last MMR, when we first met, I don’t believe would have been considered handsome by any means. It was strange, really. When first seeing him, he looked remarkably like a hobbit, only taller. I’m being serious. It was very similar to people who insist they are not photogenic; out of 5 pictures for example, 3 will show the subject having rather quirky features, or a face that seems all angles. The other 2 will show a truer representation of what the person taking the photograph actually sees, and always sees when looking at the subject.

    Now, imagine someone who appears like the odd photo when you actually look at *them*, and then after a moment seems to morph into what one would see in the better photograph. That was my MMR. I only noticed this curious phenomena when I travelled over and we first met, then again when he arrived here for his first visit: it was no more than a blink, and then he was ‘himself’. The last time it happened was naturally and somewhat ironically, the last time we were together. He’d looked ‘himself’ the entire time and then, suddenly, I happened to glance over to where he stood, replying to a question and there it was: the hobbit. Only for a blink, mind. This time, I was gobsmacked.

    I never told him, and certainly never let on the last time (we were in the final, and what I’d hoped, an amicable parting…It wasn’t eventually, of course) but the manifestation of this leaves me confused to this day, and may I say, when he looked ‘himself’, he wasn’t handsome but he *was* good looking.

    HG, is this more common than I think, or is this just some bizarre occurrence having nothing to do with him as a narc?

    Has anyone else experienced this?

    1. HG Tudor says:


    2. NarcAngel says:


      Interesting. Not the hobbit to handsome experience you describe, but I have found that someone whose features did not appeal to me initially might become more comfortable to my eyes as I get to know them. If I like them, I internalize their looks as being suited to their personality and they seem more attractive than they did initially. Conversely there have been some who initially seemed attractive, but when getting to know them better and not liking the personality, having that have the effect on me of seeing the individual features as not adding up to the initial attractiveness and wondering what I initially saw. A sort of projection on my part I suppose. I thought this to be quite common. Is it not?

      Do you think that could be what you experienced? That you saw the hobbit in periods where he was out of sync with the personality that you had come to know and were attracted to? While questioning things, observing internal red flags, or during devaluation for example?

      With regard to the photos, for the longest time I just thought that I didn’t photograph well. I finally had to accept that nope – that’s just how I look and what people see. I have an empathic mirror as it spares my feelings lol.

      1. alexissmith2016 says:

        Interesting point NA and I agree largely with what you’re saying that you can find people more physically attractive as you get to know and like them and less so if you like them less. For me, I would say that’s only very marginal though. I do tend to see people as attractive or not and it does remain fairly constant.with only a slight shift in my view of them as I find little things they say and do endearing or cute.

        With regards to my MN, not sure if you saw my comment on another article but you asked why I found him so repulsive and then not. He was repulsive to me phsycially and personality not to mention his annoying little voice!

        He lovebombed me solidly for six months and it was almost overnight I felt this overwhelming sense of love for him. I’ve never experienced anything like this in my life and it was almost instantaneous after he said the words, “But I’ve got cancer and you make me feel better”, that’s when he got his grip on me.Although I was an IPSS, But after a period of no contact followed by fully deprogramming myself I now find him as repulsive as I ever did pre mind control. Thank god!

        He’s the only person where I have experienced rose tinted glasses in terms of how they appear physically to a larger degree. There’s no tint anymore.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Ah. His attractiveness was affected by your empathy going into overdrive. Was it cancer or did it turn out he just had a sketchy mole? Or the common cold?

          1. alexissmith2016 says:

            I wondered for a couple of years whether he did or not. Very sadly for him and his family he does. But he should be able to live a long and healthy life. Although this is true and it is on the extreme end, and I have every sympathy for him for that I truly do but pity plays are his staple aside of this, they are unrelated, plentiful and varied.

          2. NarcAngel. says:

            It’s amazing that our ET will even augment looks when called on for duty lol. I asked about the outcome because it is not above some of them to embellish having an irregular mole to having cancer.

          3. alexissmith2016 says:

            Yes, I understand NA and I very much appreciate your concern. I thought the same. I’ve heard of lots of cases like that and people even faking a serious illness which is shockingly unbelievable. So when I first worked out what he was it all compounded the confusion. I felt terribly guilty about the whole thing on every level. I understand he is fit and well now and continues to do what he does.

          4. alexissmith2016 says:

            And yes it went into overdrive, that said I don’t have a ‘type’ and I don’t care about looks although I can recognise them so I think it was largely his personality which I found repulsive and therefore him overall. It was so confusing how I could go from A-Z

      2. Caity says:

        Thank you, NA. I know what you mean in your reply: I’ve ‘imprinted’ on people before, men who are not considered good looking when I realise I like them. I’m not particularly attracted to stock good looking men, actually, and prefer a man with ‘character’ iin his face, for lack of a better word, so that phenomenon is common for me.

        If the blink transformation had occurred when we were arguing or I was upset, I would have attributed it to my ‘seeing’ what he really was rather than what I’d made him to be. It didn’t. The last time, in fact, he was preparing to leave, and I’d asked him some unimportant question he was answering quite amiably; I glanced over and there it was. Hobbit man. It was gone in a flash (actually I think I looked away for a second and when I looked back, he was as he normally was) but it just astonished me.

        As far as the photo thing, I’m well aware I’m not at all photogenic. lol Which is why I never like my picture taken and am very critical of those that are. I’m not unattractive but my face *is* all angles in a lot of shots so the whole ‘trout pout’ social media craze would never have been for me!

        1. Violetta says:

          “Imprinting.” That’s what a friend said was going on with Wanna-Be Playuh Narc: “You’re not in love; you’re like one of those baby ducks that go waddling after the first creature they see, whether it’s a scientist or the family dog:

          Fortunately, some dogs are empaths:

    3. Notme! says:

      I think I understand what you mean Caity. Physical attractiveness is a fluid thing I think. A smiling, open face that is glowing with happiness is more attractive than it is with brows drawn, lips in a tight line, eyes dull or blank etc. Is it possible that you caught glimpses of him when he wasn’t pretending or reflecting at you? Haha, love the idea of him as bare footed hobbit though

      1. Caity says:

        hahaha Notme! And yeah sometimes I wonder if that happened (for a brief second saw the real him instead of what he was reflecting at me). The hobbit part was just creepy. A 5 foot 10 inch hobbit is just weird! lol

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