Why the Narcissist Downgrades
“HG, I am decent-looking, have a good job, I am intelligent, caring, fun and interesting, I dress well, I am a dab hand at cooking and nobody has ever complained about my bedroom skills and he has left me for THAT! Why?!”
It is a refrain I have often heard.
Why, when the narcissist could have you, did he go and choose somebody who is clearly inferior to you in so many different ways?
What is so good about her or him?
Where have you gone wrong?
Why on earth has he chosen her over you?
Why has the narcissist downgraded?
This gives you the answer and it will not only help you understand, it will make you feel a whole lot better too.
32 thoughts on “Why the Narcissist Downgrades”
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Lorelei,
Don’t know how I missed this reply of yours , just seeing it.
You are absolutely correct! I have been doing what you explained, but it’s still difficult to do it all the time. I could do it all the time , but at this point I find it more beneficial to alternate between being the adoring wife, and making statements that I know wound and confuse him. Throwing him off balance. Giving him a dose of his own medicine, the same he’s done to me.
I believe he is cerebral as well as somatic. Your narc does sound just like mine !!
I’m starting to doubt my ex as having a cerebral component. He’s about as impaired as is dumb is to a box of rocks. I can’t believe I ever compromised and thought he was worth even one hour. He is now white trash and my entire family finds him appalling.
Violetta, mercy , Lorelei,
I agree, they deserve each other. They won’t last 6 months together. They’ll cannibalize each other. She’ll learn very quickly that it was he who was the liar.
I don’t want revenge in the sense I would do something horrible. I only want to expose them, the entire truth , his blatant lies. Her as well. It will ruin them both professionally, as well as with regards to their personal lives.
All I’m doing is providing the proof to refute the lies they’re telling.
In essence , they will be doing it to themselves, I’m just the vessel carrying the information to the people who need to see it . Once they see it they can draw their own conclusions.
There is zero wiggle room with the proof I’ve amassed.
Once he was attractive to me , no more. I feel nothing but disgust for him now.
Let her wash his trousers , buy his hair dye ( vain bastard) , and cook his meals . I’m sick of catering to him and getting grief in return.
My family and friends think I’ll be much happier without him, they think he’s scum now. My life with him is not living, it’s pure survival now.
I’m just trying to get my ET under control and get prepared for the day it all comes out. That is going to be one hell of a day.
Still in disbelief that after decades married its come to this.
HG, my ex (mid range narcissist) ensnared new IPPS 4 months ago. He was keeping her in secret during that time. Lately he started hoovering his exes (including me, I didn’t respond) and he started flirting in public with other women – it looked like the early stages of devaluation when he seeks for fuel elsewhere and starts distancing himself from his IPPS. And suddenly when it all looked like it was a downward spiral between them, he anounced on social media that he is in relationship with her.
I don’t get it because I remember how it was between me and him and I know that when he was looking for other women and trying to grab their attention he was devaluing me at the same time. At least I was feeling it that way so we were driftin apart, it was difficult for me to trust he is taking me seriously. So what could happen here? Is it possible he wasn’t devaluing her and it was just a kind of test or maybe he was but he didn’t want to lose her and that’s why he decided to acounce he is with her?
Hello Bluewave, I need more information to provide a full answer, but I suspect what occurred is:-
1. The person was not the IPPS but was a Shelf IPSS so whilst she was in play, you were, hence you were hoovered.
2. She is then made the IPPS with the announcement on social media about being in a relationship.
You also need to consider your No Contact Regime. You breached it by watching what he was doing on social media, by knowing what he was doing with other people and also because a hoover got through. I recommend you use the Assistance Package, How To Stop the Hoovers alongside The Addiction Triple Package to address this. If you wish, you can also consult with me in order to achieve freedom.
HG—the other thing.. Say one is conceivably in a debate with a narcissist. (In a professional climate or academic..) Short non-emotionally provided jabs to knock at the pillars will perhaps effectively weaken a narcissist opponent won’t they? Challenge (pure challenge) makes them boar ahead stronger? Wounding after wound let’s one strategically go in for a defeat does it not?
If you are debating with a narcissist, you will not wound (unless you clearly ignore them – rather difficult to do in a debate) and instead your response will provide challenge fuel. If you keep issuing challenge fuel however, the narcissist´s need to assert control may cause there facade to be breached and they show an unpleasant side. When “When HG Met The Narcissists” is published there is an example of this in that book which you will find of interest.
When is this available?
When is what available?
When you met the narcissists book.
Thank you for clarifying. This year.
His DLS has been on and off the shelf for years . I know I’ve said it before here , but my Lord , she looks like a man ! Low class , guttersnipe . Shocking to see her snaps. I showed them to several people and their jaws dropped exclaiming, “ Oh my God” .
He makes fun of women who look like her , completely boggling he would choose to remain in contact with her, though she certainly floods his huge ego with positive fuel.
I’ve read before about people who have affairs with unattractive people, it was said that it’s not how they look, it’s how they make them feel, narcissist or not .
If this DLS ever gets brought to the forefront, people will be asking my narc left and right, “ WTF were you thinking?!”
It does make us feel better when we see who else they’re sleeping with and can compare ourselves favourably to them. But it does still keep you tied in to all the hurt and pain he causes Lamb.
It doesn’t matter who she is or what she’s like or looks like. She is most probably very jealous of you anyway because she probably believes you have a happy life together and she wants what you’ve got. It really isn’t her fault either. It matters more that you and your children are happy, that is what’s important. Do you think you can find happiness with him and the hurt he causes you to feel?
I did exactly the same Lamb. Compared myself to my many replacements. Some more attractive than me, others not. Either way it left me confused and hurt. My only saving grace was that he seemed to have a real liking for other Ns which staved off the guilt. Only one of the ones I know about was not an N and that made me feel awful, absolutely awful. I feel so very much better now that not only do I not know who he is shagging, I couldn’t give a shit either.
The more you learn here Lamb, the more you will realise that noone is a winner if they remain with an N.
Alexis,
I understand what you’re saying, but THIS DLS is a vindictive cunt. I never use that word , but this Whore is fully deserving of it.
My narc dumped her and married me. They were not dating one another exclusively at the time , each had several other people they were dating. I made it clear I would not date him unless it was exclusive.
This psycho harassed me and my family relentlessly, I didn’t know her from a hole in the wall. I thought she must be emotionally disturbed.
My narcs other past OW/DLS’s were nothing like this one . This one has some sick personal vendetta against me. And you’re correct, she wants my life.
She is old ,single, broke, and desperate.
My narc told me years ago about some disturbing things she did to people who crossed her ( property damage , harassment, etc-. I know it to be true because I’ve experienced it myself.
This Bitch is going down when the time is right.
Ever see that movie “ she devil” ? Well, I’m making my list too.
I am the sweetest person. I’d give you my last dollar if you needed it , totally out of character for me to be anything but compassionate, BUT, you fuck with me or my family, I have a “scorched earth” policy when it comes to that.
As an aside, she doesn’t think we have a happy life , not sure how much she believes, but my narc is smearing me to high heavens to her.
This sicko is actually telling my husband things he can do to emotionally torture me at home. I could go on , but if I did I may as well print her name right here.
I wish I could post a snap of her here so you could have a good laugh!
I reserve equal disgust for my narc. He’s going to get back 10 fold what he’s doing/done to me . It’s called “ karma” , isn’t it ?
Lamb, I hear you loud and clear. Sounds like you have it all planned out. But in all of this, don’t forget she will have more energy for a fight than you do because it comes natural to her. She sounds horrible. I have a picture of her in my head. I understand your need for revenge. I too do the same, but When I can I walk away. If I do take revenge I make sure every avenue is covered so there is no path back to me. So please be careful in doing anything she will want her revenge on yours. Xx
Alexis,
“don’t forget she will have more energy for a fight than you do because it comes natural to her.” Ha ! Never thought of that! You’re right, but my clear advantage is the proof I’ve had tucked away for many years , all she has is the lies my narc tells her. Other than that she knows nothing about me.
I don’t see any way around her not knowing it was me . I can’t think of anything she could do to me , I live a simple life, and I am respected in my community. I have the support of my family and friends. All my narc has is her pathetic fat ass.
Everything I reveal about her will be 100% irrefutable truth. I would never open myself up to libel or slander accusations.
I will consult with a solicitor beforehand to be sure I’m not breaking any laws.
I won’t do anything without thinking very carefully of any and all possible repercussions.
She fucked with the wrong person.
Xxx
Lamb—I’m also sorry you sound so angry. It’s quite breath-taking. I’m really angry too that my kids have to be around the woman he has in his life. She has criminal charges pending, DUI’s.. Her brother is an arsonist/thief. This man is “too good” for Walmart and he’s decompensated terribly. Their behavior is baffling at times.
Lamb, There’s going to come a day when you are in a position to get the revenge that you want, but you’ll realize you don’t care about it anymore. That’s the beauty of zero impact.
Lamb:
Consult with HG as well as a solicitor.
The solicitor knows the law of the land.
HG knows the laws of Narcery. You need to know EXACTLY what you’re facing and how Ex and Icks are likely to interpret/react to whatever you do.
Lamb—I have the hardest time finishing a book, I start & stop over and over. I did read a little bit of Revenge yesterday. It has to be quite tactical to make a dent and HG (this is for you) it makes absolute sense. I have no desire to interact with my ex because it impacts me horribly so this is not why I was reading it. It was more of a generic interest. It’s really really interesting how it’s about knocking down what is at their core and not the false persona so I encourage you read it as it sounds like you are trying to summarize a narcissist’s behavior. I don’t think an empathic or normal would behave in the way you describe. So, I could email my ex right now and say, “Your drunken herpes infested girlfriend bar slut looks like a gang bang porn star from 1990.” In my mind I feel satisfied that I got a dig in. Wrong. It’s more impactful to not attack his fuel source and attack what bothers him the most. The vulnerable stuff. So, he is creating expense sheets now which have been a source of amusement to me because it’s so utterly cheap ass middle mid range bullshit. I gain more of a slam dunk saying, “These spreadsheets aren’t very good. The aren’t well constructed.” HG—is my comprehension correct? No eye contact, no nothing, a simple statement attacking that he (or she in Lambs case) isn’t “good enough.” I can look back and I have accidentally wounded in the past by memory now that I think I’m getting it.. He looked crest fallen. If someone told me my spreadsheet sucked I would be eager to have them show me a nicer way to configure it. For him it’s an ultimate slam—he is both cerebral and somatic. He often tried to say I was stupid—maybe some day all alone on the side of the road his leg will be torn off and I’ll stop and tell him I’m too stupid to help him. That will never happen Lamb—we have to change what we do in our responses based on their reality. Revenge is about being smarter.
Lamb:
Let the punishment fit the crime: don’t you think those two deserve each other?
Seriously, you could not punish them worse than by giving them what they think they want. (Especially, since right now he thinks he can not only have his cake and eat it too, but he can triangulate his cakes.) Ooh, isn’t he a special guy, having all these wen fighting over the dubious privilege of being with him?
Violetta,
That’s something I won’t do , and he knows it . When this happened in the past I told him he was crazy if he thought I was going to fight with some OW over him. ( he wanted me to talk to them ! Imagine the nerve ! ) I told him I don’t do competition, and if they were so in love as ONLY the OW said, then he should go. My narc promptly threw them under the bus.
I have not given him the opportunity to dump this DLS , he doesn’t know I know.
I know he didn’t sleep with the others and he hasn’t slept with this current DLS (yet) . I always chalked it up to pure fantasy and ego stroking. Many times I’d find something out and say nothing for that reason.
This time feels different, he has never been so cold and callous as now .
I’ve been unable to decipher if it’s because of his narcissism or his increased substance abuse, although I believe they go hand in hand, as I’ve read about other narcs.
Lamb—we had the same ex perhaps. I’m amazed daily.
Lorelei and Mercy,
Yes, today I’m angry. I vacillate between anger and upset. I prefer anger at this stage. Anger allows me to plan, upset paralyzed me. Can’t eat, sleep or think about anything but how devastating this all is.
After exposure has been initiated I foresee divorce. At that point I want nothing to do with him again. He can speak to me through my legal representatives.
I would never want to see nor speak to him again, this creature I’ve wasted decades of dedication on. Our children have expressed to me they also want nothing more to do with him.
Congratulations, Asshole, you just lost your entire family.
I can’t just walk away after all he’s done to me , I want him to experience pain, but it will never be equal to the pain he’s caused me and our children.
I understand 150% Lamb. I am furious at times that he skates around unscathed and that my kids are exposed to people he would have made fun of a few years back. Honest to goodness. Is a decent role model in a primary source too much to ask for? He could be screwing a mule on the side and I don’t care—it’s who he takes the kids around. My blood boils when the kids mention the girlfriends brothers name. He’s a complete moron. I get it I get it. Just be pissed and don’t act on it until you know what action benefits you.
Lorelei, it’s so hard when kids are involved. We can detach from the narcissist ourselves but we can’t detach from the protective feelings we have of our children.
Correct Mercy. Also, I want to be clear that this is not a socioeconomic issue. It is entirely related to the criminal behavior of who my kids are around. If these were nice people living ten in a one bed apartment it would not bother me. It’s the DUI’s/jail time/florid substance immersion within this group.
Lamb, I dreamt about revenge. I wanted it sooo bad. Im like you, I couldn’t handle the upset, feeling sorry for myself stuff. It hurts too much to think of the horrible things they did to us. The lack of loyalty when we were the definition of loyal, the sacrifices we made that was never appreciated, the feeling of being made a fool of. It’s so much easier to be mad as hell! At least making plans to destroy them gives us sense of control over the situation. Good God I know how you feel and I’m so glad I got past it. You will too. Keep learning , that is where the power and control is. Hold your head high and hang on to the fact that you are better than them. They will destroy themselves, I promise. And, you will be able to watch with your dignity in tact.
There was nothing to cool or banish love in these circumstances, though much to create despair. Much too, you will think, reader, to engender jealousy: if a woman, in my position, could presume to be jealous of a woman in Miss Ingram’s. But I was not jealous: or very rarely;—the nature of the pain I suffered could not be explained by that word. Miss Ingram was a mark beneath jealousy: she was too inferior to excite the feeling. Pardon the seeming paradox; I mean what I say. She was very showy, but she was not genuine: she had a fine person, many brilliant attainments; but her mind was poor, her heart barren by nature: nothing bloomed spontaneously on that soil; no unforced natural fruit delighted by its freshness. She was not good; she was not original: she used to repeat sounding phrases from books: she never offered, nor had, an opinion of her own. She advocated a high tone of sentiment; but she did not know the sensations of sympathy and pity; tenderness and truth were not in her. Too often she betrayed this, by the undue vent she gave to a spiteful antipathy she had conceived against little Adèle: pushing her away with some contumelious epithet if she happened to approach her; sometimes ordering her from the room, and always treating her with coldness and acrimony. Other eyes besides mine watched these manifestations of character—watched them closely, keenly, shrewdly. Yes; the future bridegroom, Mr. Rochester himself, exercised over his intended a ceaseless surveillance; and it was from this sagacity—this guardedness of his—this perfect, clear consciousness of his fair one’s defects—this obvious absence of passion in his sentiments towards her, that my ever-torturing pain arose.
Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre
Beautiful.
Panic pick, indeed. And from what I discovered later, once he got his feet back under him, he moved on with someone more in keeping with the style to which he decided he looked more accustomed. She, as before, was then shoved back onto the shelf where she lingers to this day, waiting for the golden period to reappear, even if only for the odd moments he deems necessary to keep her tied to him.