Why Does The Narcissist Compartmentalise Appliances?
As narcissists we often engage in compartmentalisation. This articles concerns how and why we compartmentalise various appliances in our fuel matrices.
We view our lives as a series of compartments. The compartments are linked and there is an archway from one compartment to another but this archway has been bricked up by us and only we know the secret word that will open up the archway and admit us to the next compartment. You will try and search for an opening so that you may move from one compartment to another but your search will be fruitless. You will rhyme off all the passwords you can think of from ‘open sesame’ through to ‘abracadabra’ but none of them will work. There is a simple reason for that. We want you to stay in your compartment until we come back to it. We do not want you interacting with any of our other compartments because then it makes each area harder for us to control. A greater need for control mean more energy expenditure which will mean that there is less available for me to use to gather fuel and that is not something I can allow to happen.
A blissful domestic set-up will be in one compartment where I play the role of doting husband and caring father. To the external observer who looks in on the scene through the Perspex it appears to be a picture of harmony and good relations. Yet the observer cannot hear the shouting nor listen to your sobs as you are on the receiving end of another tirade. The fearful cries and the scathing admonishments fail to air beyond this compartment. You are not able to escape to another place and reveal what is really going on in this compartment. As soon as I depart to the next one then the brickwork closes behind me with lightning quick speed, trapping you where I want you. Of course I will tell you all about what is happening in the other compartments when I return, so that you will be subjected to tales of my magnificence in the work place and anecdotes about the new ‘friend’ I have in order to create some triangulated jealousy from you.
My work compartment show me as all conquering and masterful yet those that have been subjected to my brutal put downs and suffered from my repeated dumping of work on them as I breeze around town are forbidden from escaping this compartment to pollute the carefully constructed image that I have made for myself.
The members at the golf club who find my boasting odious and have seen me mark down a lower score than that which I had achieved on my score card are unable to blacken my name to my admirers beyond this particular place. Instead I depart the golf club and scurry to the bar where I regale my hangers-on with another story of my five under par round which won the competition. They coo over my success oblivious to what has actually gone on.
Home life, work life, mistress, friends, club, family and more are allotted these compartments. In each one I am a god. I rule supreme able to do as I please so that I can carry forth my stories of heroism into another compartment and there drink deep of their admiring fuel.
I spend much of my time ensuring that the inhabitants of each compartment know about one another, to multiply my fuel of course, but rarely shall I ever allow them to cross paths. This might lead to someone squaring the circle and working out what is behind my carefully orchestrated campaigns of divide and conquer. A must never speak to B who must not be allowed to tell C what really happened. I must maintain my constructed world where these people are little more than dolls in a huge segregated dolls’ house. I put them in poses and play with them so that I can create a scenario by which I can brag to others in the next room about. If they ever escaped and managed to follow me through these archways so they could compare what I have said with what has actually happened I would be truly finished. Sometimes this happens and then the compartment must be set ablaze, scorched from the record and denied an existence. Next time this compartment will be refurbished, repainted and with new dolls put in place. I must control everything around me. Everyone in their place and a place for everyone.
76 thoughts on “Why Does The Narcissist Compartmentalise Appliances?”
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I compartmentalize so effectively that I can make my rooms disappear in my head until I need to go in them. Its the only way I can deal with people and the shameful things I do and think. If I put those things in the rooms then I don’t have to see them either. A lot of times I have to prepare myself before I go into those rooms. I NEVER go into a room without being prepared.
HG… Do non-narcissists compartmentalize? I ask because I am in the early stages of dating someone right now and he made a comment about how he “compartmentalizes”. I’m wondering if this is a red flag. And if this person really is a narc.
Yes, non-narcissists can compartmentalise. You should run this individual through a Date Defender because you are at a high risk of ensnarement by a narcissist based on your continued involvement with the other narcissist, so your ET will be high.
I’m pleased to read that HG as I compartmentalise a lot.
Congratulations! Dating?!? So happy for you 😊
MB
The glitter has been missing here lately, but I read somewhere that there will be Unicornizing of a room for a special little someone so I was not surprised. Congratulations on your soon to be new role.
Awwwww….
Thank you NA! I’ve been super busy with ending a job and starting a new one. The unicornizing won’t be until late Spring, but I’ve already started buying clothes! It’s a boy, so I may have to go easy on the glitter! Haha
MB you’re expecting?
I had a dream last night I gave birth to a boy, named him “Silas”.
I often dream I’m pregnant/have a baby and of the sex, when a friend is (sometimes unknowingly) pregnant.
In the dream I got him on the tit before the cord was cut (which is the healthiest way to do it as to not delay or interrupt the oxygen flow)
Just telling you I’m case it’s relevant to you. Congrats
Woke AF, Ha! Ha! No!!!! If I was pregnant, I’d be flinging myself off the tallest building I could find. Thank you for the advice though, I am an avid believer in breastfeeding and will be helping my DIL with that very thing. Hopefully, I’ll make it to the delivery. I’m going to be (A YOUNG) grandmother! I’ve had those dreams where I was in labor all night. Horrid! I hope you don’t have those too often. They are exhausting.
I do not know if I would go as far as to say “congratulations”. There have been some red flags among the comment made about “compartmentalizing”. Mainly the reduction of compliments being given to me, the sudden “sorry I am busy and have plans with others” (when trying to make plans), being told “you should go out and meet others”, and more recently the sudden withholding of sexual affection and declarations of how tells me, “I am not the right person for you, you need someone more emotionally available than I am”.
I think I stepped in shit again. 🙁
The proper answer to “I am not the right person for you, you need someone more emotionally available than I am” is “You are quite right. Ta, ducks.”
No, it’s block, evade and implement no contact. Once you know, you go.
HG,
Can it be: “Once you know – he gets punched – then you go”?
Sorry. I’m a little intense. It may be that Godfather marathon I watched around Thanksgiving.
No.
That’s Challenge Fuel and an assault. It breaches the first golden rule of freedom.
HG,
I know! It was a J-O-K-E.
There will be some who would not see it as such.
HG,
Ok, fair enough, for the larger audience. Next time I will label it as joking…not that I joke more than once every 3-5 years about such, but if I ever do – I shall attach a joke label.
***THIS PARTICULAR POST IS NO JOKE. IF IT WAS A JOKE, I WOULD LABEL IT AS A JOKE.***
If they’re in a coffee shop when he says it, can’t she reply accordingly before she leaves? (Always remembering to pay for her own coffee first, of course.)
If it’s an online chat, then immediate blocking is feasible. We have to fight that urge to be polite: “Sorry things haven’t worked out for us.”
Actually, if we’re the ones to break things off, what’s a non-narcy way to do it? And should we be surprised/hurt if they block us?
Women’s magazines give the worst advice. Seventeen told girls to say, “I just want to be friends” or “I think.of you as a brother.” One guy told me he HATED that crap: made him sound like a neuter. He said he’d rather the girl said point-blank, “I do not have romantic feelings for you” or “I don’t feel any chemistry.”
No. Leave.
HG,
Ok, ok, I’m taking my jokes and leaving!
Gabrielle,
Give me his address. I’ll send my man & all my males friends to his house, to rough him up – just a little. (Who knew I was so violent?)😏
I’m sorry, hon…I saw your first comment (I was excited)…then HG’s reply (I was measured)…and now this one (I was bummed).
That’s crap! I hope you dump him – yesterday.
So what if a perfectly decent guy wants to break up? Should you walk out without saying a word, or saying something polite but brief? Or would the perfectly decent guy NOT mumble excuses about Emotional Availability or drop unsubtle hints about seeing other people that deserve a wordless walkout?
What WOULD a normal guy say? “I don’t think we’re compatible”?
This is not a site which exists to address the end of relationships with “perfectly decent guys”.
HG, I don’t want to treat normals the same as Narcs. I’m still trying to.figure out what normal people do, because all those experts who tried to “help” me when I was growing up, the ones I thought were normal, were almost certainly narcs. They broke state, federal, and even Divine laws in the name of “helping.”
I wanted to be a sociopath when I was a teenager, because by that time I was convinced that the world was divided not into right and wrong, but into those who got away with things and those who didn’t. A conscience seemed about as useful to me as it did to Philip Traum in Mark Twain’s “Mysterious Stranger.” Alas, I’m probably physiologically predisposed to feel compassion and guilt, so I gave it up, but I still don’t know what people do if they’re neither predators nor prey.
And what website does teach “how to normal”? You know the advice on most sites is full of crap.
Hello Violetta,
I agree that it is important to understand how normal, empathic people function as this is an important baseline with regard to recognising abusive and disordered behaviour. As you point out, you do not have a familiarity with normal. I can certainly advise what normal looks like, my role is not to advise you how to deal with normal people as that is unnecessary. I can assist you with distinguishing the behaviours and what to look for, so you understand what is categorised as normal (or perhaps more accurately non-abusive) and this is done through consultation.
A decent guy would not suggest or say those things in the first place. They are mealy-mouthed and disrespectful. When decent people want to break up with someone they think about what they want to say, do it face to face and listen while the other cries, gets angry etc. Say sorry and leave and stay out of the way without hoovering or smearing.
FS, it does sound like there are some red flags there. With your HGTU education, you have a considerable advantage. Move on sooner than later. There are non-narc fish in the sea. I promise. Save your light for those that don’t take advantage of your gift. Kudos for getting back out there. I’m so proud of you!
Wait- your new date said/does ?;
“You should go out and meet others”, and more recently the sudden withholding of sexual affection and declarations of how tells me, “I am not the right person for you, you need someone more emotionally available than I am”
??
FS,
Sorry to hear that. It does happen. They are not worth your energy and time.
I am starting to think that everyone in this world is a freaking narc!
FS, Narcs are everywhere! You have the advantage of spotting them during your window of evasion though. You are using your LT learned from HG to spot the Red Flags. Just be sure that you heed them!
SP,
What I meant bad mouth is how crappy the marriage is to the narc.
If you stayed longer it would only be worse. And it is so very painful the situation to be in. Someone told me years ago it would be. I kinda brushed it off. Until it happened to me.
HG, now that you are familiar with all things Norway, what is your opinion about princess Märtha Louise’s boyfriend, shaman Durek Verrett? I have a feeling he is a narcissist. He was also caught posting a very inappropriate comment under the IG pic of a girlfriend in which she was posing wearing a thong, right after finding out the princess’ ex has committed suicide. Compartmentalizing/lack of boundaries/sense of entitlement/triangulation?
He is a narcissist.
I’m getting goooood!!!!!
Sweetest perfection the dude is married. That should come no surprise about she never goes to your parties. Why would you even invite her? He mostly probably bad mouths the wife. Why would they like the couples pictures.
Kelly, she was invited in the same manner I am (rather was, because I went NC) invited to all of his parties. Narc and I live in the same city, share same friends and colleagues, and both our spouses (shock, I’m married too) are friends on social media. Our affair should have never happened. But it did. And though I regret it, I can’t do anything about it now except the best thing I could, which is what I’m doing. His other victims are also acquainted with his wife.
PS: he never badmouthed his wife in front of me. I think he telling me about their marital problems was sort of a narc warning of what was to come to me in case I ended up being promoted to IPPS. But who knows and who cares! NEW YEAR ahead, old narc behind!
SP
“was sort of a narc warning of what was to come to me in case I ended up being promoted to IPPS”
I remember being told things such as “I really like you, but you might not be able to handle me. I have high standarts and all the previous women just could not meet them.” or “I promise you’ll never get bored with me, it’s just that this might be too much for you. I thought my last girlfriend was the one and even she turned out to be a disappointment in the end.” Could the same be applicable to you, maybe?
Because I thought it was him being honest at the time, but I now understand he was not only giving me a warning but framing himself as a challenge to me. I considered myself to be someone who always rises to the challenge, so I was more than eager prove to him that I was indeed capable to not only meet, but outstride his requirements (honestly, I think those are the narcissistic traits of pride and superiority being hijacked) and was so ready to do anything it takes to prove myself and outdo his previous women that I did not see the warning signs.
Of course don’t know if same was true for you, it just sounds like there might have been a similarity there in terms of the type of triangulation and the warning given beforehand.
Alas, I’m tired of analyzing what he wanted or didn’t want. The clear thing is what he was giving me is not what I wanted. And now I’m happy I didn’t qualify or whatever that means to his convoluted mind, who cares. I’m jokingly thinking of finding a new narc, I’m getting bored of talking of this idiot. But I don’t wanna leave the blog! What to do what to do.
I think an upper mid ranger would be fun this time Sweetest! Like field work! Don’t leave—stay here and tell us how they straddle the line between passive aggressive and being a little more than instinctively cunning. It won’t bother you to watch. It’ll be like Jane Goodall living amongst the primates!
SP you should stay on the blog and help all the new readers that come here. Don’t you dare find a new narc! Perhaps a dog would help with your boredom? 🐕🥰
Lorelei, I don’t like passive aggressiveness, MRN are not for me. I am used to my triple A: the Affable Asshole Affair.
SP: Go narc-free, and stick around the blog to share your progress and contribute to ours.
(That’s SO easy to say to someone else, vs doing it myself;)
SP
Haha my apologies, I saw you make mention twice and thought you might want to go through the details. There’s plenty of reason to stay just dont get a new narc, too high of a cost. How about some bantering instead…who was your favourite Roman Emperor? I liked Marcus Aurelius. I wonder if he was a narcissist.
Desirée, I can’t answer that explicitly, but I have two. FM1T, you know I already have a dog and a huge one! He keeps me busy (HG knows too because I warned him the first time we talked he might start barking at his archenemy: the mailman). Violetta, I try to support people I see in my same situation, I just don’t wanna seem redundant! Thank you all for encouraging me to stay, I just don’t get notifications so it’s hard to see who commented back on what anymore.
Hello everybody, HG,
First things first – wishing you all Happy Holidays, a better, quiet and free New Year!
Before I give a short update on where I am currently on my “healing” path, I wanted to share with you a few tricks that helped me lately in… I don’t know… feeling much better. They might work or not for you, please tread lightly and if in doubt, as always, ask HG.
1. When the addiction strikes (which I identify with anxiousness, longing, curiosity about her a.s.o), I imagine my “consciousness” (whatever, myself) as being a sort of disk split in three equal parts. You can also apply this to your upper body. First, there is the head (LT), then there is the heart (the whole left torso side) which stands for my entire “normal” feeling. And last, my right side, the addiction (and ET). I put everything related to the addiction where it belongs, in that right side third, and realize it is neither my normal thinking, nor my normal feeling, and I do not allow it to occupy my entire consciousness, the full disk, or body. This way, I managed to see it subside quite rapidly, almost every time. I’m not sure it’s because of this trick, or just because enough time has passed and I’m healing… but it works.
2. If you ever had an experience in your life where you managed to dump somebody because they felt like they were not good or toxic for you – remember it. Cherish it and apply it to the current situation. Remember how you managed to go through that dumping process, how better you felt at the end, proud and free.
I had one of these during my University years, when I’ve been intensively courting a lady (probably one of my first narcs) for a couple of months or so. There were more guys doing this, I think, and she also had a boyfriend at home, which she was nonchalantly telling me about. We just made out a few times, but I was head over heels while she kept accepting while gently rejecting me, playing. She had beautiful big breasts though…:)
Well, I “dumped” her one cold autumn evening, wrote her a poem and never looked back. No grudge, some pain, but totally and definitely done. I was still meeting her here and there, we were colleagues, but I never allowed myself to feel for her again, I was a bit embarrassed because of the situation, but nothing more. She suddenly became just some other woman.
I remember this experience and know how I felt back then. Like I had a fucking backbone… well, this means I still have it, I can get it back and do the same this time too, should be similar.
3. This you have to apply with great care, because it might just be a manifestation of ET. You have to be careful that you are doing this for the right reasons, not because you want her/him to find out about it. Also, do not disclose any personal identifiable information!
I have started anonymously publishing my poetry which I only shared with my Nx. I have thought a lot about this, and I am almost sure I am doing it because I just want want to get rid of it. It is something which I thought belonged only to me and her, and I recently realized it is actually only mine, only about me, so I have all the rights to do as I please with it (i.e. get rid of it). I’m publishing it on an obscure forum which she’s not probably going to ever use. I do this anonymously because I never want to be able to reclaim it, to say – oh, this is my poem. No, I just want it lost in the wide world, bit by bit, verse by verse, until nothing is left of it. It’s “letting go”, an “exorcising” experience.
Now, if anybody interested, I am around 9 months since I started my strong NC, more than 6 since I last saw her. I think it is going slower than expected… I thought 6 months NC should do it, but I still had addiction pangs. Very recently, after Christmas, I felt much better all of a sudden, free. Like a circle has closed. I am still a bit afraid of a relapse, so I do not celebrate anything yet, but prospects are good… This is why I am writing here again, I wanted to share with you these things I did lately which might have contributed to this sudden change. I hope they will help somebody.
And, again, Happy New Year to you all!
I see comments tend to display randomly, so mentioning this is a continuation of my previous comment on this page.
4. Another thing I’ve been doing lately is looking at past experiences from my childhood, and I think I found some deeply buried abandonment fears which might trigger the style of attachment I have and the addiction.
I have never payed much attention to this issue, but now I realize that it might be important to my healing and decided to deal with it in some way.
What happened is that I lived with my grandparents almost my entire life up to 6 years old. I only saw my parents and my (older) sister for one day, once every two-three weeks. I don’t remember much from that period. I was mostly happy wondering around in the fields surrounding my grandparents’ house, had one or two friends to play with.
There are some things I remember though which were not so happy.
I remember the feeling of a very sunny summer Saturday, looking out the window, waiting for the red sun to set such that my parents would arrive.
And I remember crying one night, on the floor, where my grandparents found me and I saying “nobody loves me”. That was probably the first and last time I ever talked about love with any of my blood relatives.
What I did trying to heal is remember and re-live these feelings, allowed them to engulf me completely, cried a bit, and then let them go.
I’m not sure it worked, but I definitely feel better since. It’s a trial and error process, especially if you don’t have the possibility (or you don’t want) to meet a therapist.
5. I also think I might have been wrong about pushing my ET and addiction to the right side of my body, although that also works. I now think it is better to let the feeling come and spread inside but watch yourself with a critical logical eye, watch the feeling grow, peak and then decrease. As much as possible, don’t go into the feeling, stay above, but let it do its job inside your body – watch the aching, the heart rate, the sweat, the restlessness.
Doing this, you get a sort of confidence that feelings are always temporary, that you can “control” them by detachment and waiting.
6. I think I mentioned this before in some of my comments, but saying it again – to regain confidence in yourself you have to (re)learn courage.
Small things, like smiling or saying hi to a stranger, looking people in the eye, pick up a new sport and stick to it, voice your opinions and stand up for them, admit a mistake, offer a totally disinterested compliment or a flower to somebody, say a (possibly bad) joke and deal with the outcome, sing or dance on your way to the bus station, and so on. Be silly despite your fear of being silly, despite knowing you’ll get red to the top of your ears in silly or embarrassing situations.
I’m still working on some of these… 🙂
I want to mention again that I am doing this after a period of NC, so it might not be appropriate for someone still in the throes of an ongoing relationship with a narc, or recently disengaged/escaped.
Abe
My heart dropped when I read of you on the floor saying nobody loves me. We are all lovable, but some are involved with people who are unable to give it. Their inability to give is a defect in their construction and not indicative of our worth, but sadly we don’t know that as a child. I’m not the warmest blanket Abe, but when I read that, I felt myself picking you up. I hope you can someday replace that sad memory with one of being raised by all of the invisible arms that you now know would have reached for you given the chance. You were and are lovable.
I don’t know how to reply to this, NA…
Your reply made me very emotional, and I had to wait until today, hoping to manage some sort of answer, but I still don’t have it.
Your kindness is certainly overwhelming.
Thank you very much.
I noticed this in a narc and I had assumed that all men worked that way.
Especially when I saw this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZ6mVumHY9I&feature=youtu.be
I thought I had figured them out.
Men’s brains are compartment where nothing touches and everything has its place. They even have a “nothing box”.
Women’s brains are all interconnected like a ball of string.
“We’re going to discuss men’s brains versus women’s brains and how they are very dif- ferent from each other. I want to start with men’s brains. Now, men’s brains are unique. Men’s brains are made up of little boxes. We have a box for everything: a box for the car, a box for the money, a box for the job, a box for you, a box for the kids, a box for your mother somewhere in the basement. We have boxes everywhere, and the rule is the boxes don’t touch. When a man dis- cusses a particular subject, we go to that particular box, we pull that box out, we open the box, and we discuss only what is in that box. Then we close the box and put it away, being very, very careful not to touch any other boxes.
Women’s brains are very, very different from men’s brains. Women’s brains are made up of a big ball of wire. Everything is connected to everything. The money is con- nected to the car, the car is connected to your job, and your kids are connected to your mother. Everything is connected. Everything! It’s like the Internet superhigh- way, and it’s all driven by energy that we call “emotions.” It’s one of the reasons why women tend to remember ev- erything. Because if you take an event and you connect it to an emotion, it burns in your memory and you can remember it forever. The same thing happens for men; it just doesn’t happen very often because, quite frankly, we don’t care. Women tend to care about everything! And they just love it.
Now, men, we have a box in our brain that most wom- en are not aware of.”
This one ive experienced and have done so as well.
I think we all do this to some extent altho narcs do so to the extreme. Most people are a little different around various people and situations . They arent intentionally trying to be different but they are.
I do see the difference with narcs tho. It is intentional to keep sources isolated so the gig is never up. As well they are sociopaths and wear many masks. Its funny when sources do exchange info and the narc is unaware.
Found one of my narc ex boyfriends. That ghosted me many years ago passed away last month. No letter and no phone call nothing. I was completely devastated
Sent him 2 letters many years ago no response. Saw the obituary he married 9 months after he ghosted me And see that he retired from the navy.I never forgot him he was imprinted in my mind many years. Now he really is a ghost. It’s very confusing but also very sad.
Narc: I can be with you until 3:30. I’m meeting my wife at 4:00 for counseling.
Me: For counseling about what?
Narc: Couples’ counseling.
Me: Really? How so?
Narc: She complains I always make my own plans and don’t take her into consideration. Actually, last night I slept in the guest room.
Me: Don’t you think the fact you love another woman (me) intercepts your counseling?
Narc: That’s different.
SP. makes perfect nonsense to me. What is the issue???😂😂👿
Kim e, now that I learned from HG, everything makes sense, from the fact that I considered it a weird coincidence that every time I threw a party in my house or joined the narc with some of his friends and colleagues somewhere, his wife was ALWAYS working and unable to join us, to the funny realization that those girls that commented a lot on his Facebook pics never clicked “like” to any of his blissful marital pictures. Hahaha, not too hard to find out who was in his matrix!
Correct sweetest. I had beautiful photos of the kids one year all dressed in royal blue.
It’s a favorite of mine. I framed it for him in a small frame for his office and he ignored it. He let it sit and collect dust despite a few gentle reminders. His devaluation by means of putting life into different compartments extended to them as well as me. It’s actually more unusual to have a posh office space and not one photo of family in his business. I am exceedingly less confused.
Lorelei
I disapprove of Pantone’s Choice for Colour of the Year 2020. Classic Blue? More like IKEA Blue! Why couldn’t they pick a nice rich bordeaux or burgundy, makes for beautiful colours and excellent wine.
Hi Desirée—I could not reply re, White House Black Market where you asked me more about it. I am refraining from any purchases! My goal is to buy nothing for two months! Their stuff is great though!
That tells you something about alternative potential uses for his office.
Haha—he was with the Human Resources girl when I was pregnant with our first. He thought I was too dumb to notice. She was gorgeous—she mysteriously left suddenly. It was a mystery. He got it back in spades though. I believe he was actually entirely faithful for a long time after that affair. That was during the time I went out with or dated a handful of people. I dated one for several years and I hate to say it but I miss him—he was a narcissist but mostly treated me well and always bought me lovely roses and gifts. He was also very reliant on alcohol. I’m really evaluating many of these narc/empath dynamics and thinking of how not to be bored to death but not waste a lot of time with pointless relationships.
Maybe Human Resources girl found Tudor’s work at the right moment, like me.
She may have. I thought she was lovely—I was more worried about my breasts leaking at the Christmas party that year than their fucking in a bath stall. Our oldest daughter was a baby at that party.. He was useless (mostly) in bed anyway. They should not have any issues being done quickly in the stall and a hotel would have been a waste of money unless he took her to the Motel 6. Or do they have motels by the minute? Not hourly rates.. That would be excessive.
dang, I have done some “research” about all those “girls” that he has on FB but never put together their likes on his marital pictures. Now, I’m off to go check those out, ha ha! I think me and you are similar in our current situation.
Kim,
There you are! Don’t mock me (ok, go ahead) but I just saw your name pop up on that poll thread that has to do with male anatomy, and (PRECIOUSNESS ALERT) I don’t want to post on that thread because I don’t want my name attached to those two words in the “recent comments window”…yes, really. No, I can’t change that about myself — and I don’t wanna❣ So I searched to find you on another (this) thread…
I’ve been off here due to a bunch of stuff, and I’ll not be on here again for a bit, so I didn’t want you to worry, knowing how caring your heart is (which I love). I’ve not been on because of…well, stuff I can’t say on the site, but good stuff, not bad stuff. As for a “Narcville update”…Do I think the narc will be touring through my neighborhood again soon? Yes, I unfortunately have every reason to believe so. I’m not anxious about it though…could that change? I can’t say for sure, but I’m pretty firmly anchored in my strength & peace – however, that could get tougher, depending on where he’s going with this. But I think I have a pretty good mindset on it, thus far, & have handled myself well… and that’s about all I can do for right now.
I mainly wanted to pop in to give you a warm New Year’s cyber hug~and my wishes for extra blessings for you in 2020~ before I head off again for awhile~please extend the cyber hug to SMH for me too, please❣🤸♀️🤍
I should say something about this article. I’ve certainly been compartmentalized by my nex. I’m starting really understand that concept, more & more. It’s been a little shocking to me, actually.
CIF
Happy New Year. Glad you found your way back to me.
What are you finding shocking about the concept of compartments? Not sure why but it makes perfect sense to me. Maybe that is because in my life I have had friends groups but those groups were always separate from each other.
Hi, Kim~
I was meaning as a former IPPS, no matter how many elements change — no matter how much time goes by — how he views me (in relation to him) seems cemented in 3 tons of concrete.
CIF
Thanks for clarifying. I got it and that makes sense to me from his perspective.
When my son left for the army at 18 he was still that person to me the next time I saw him. He of course was not as he had gone through basic training and was getting his life’s bearing. But it took me being with him and talking to him for a while for my brain to take him out of his 18 year old compartment and moving him on
Since the N locks you away at a specific point in time that is the point in time they remember you as.
And as HG tells us once IPPS or IPSS always IPPS or IPSS
SMOOCHIES
Kim,💜
Good example, with your son. Yes, I do get it, on an intellectual level…but when you’re being fixated on in this type of manner, it can boggle the rational mind. He seems to feel he can just drop by whenever…because, of course, he can. I don’t own the street, and he’s not *doing* anything to me. He seems a little chaotic in his actions – like they’re thought out in one way, but then not at all, in another way… I can’t see the endgame with this. I always want to know what the point is. I know all the narc behaviors and fuel & cycles & etc., but it’s hard to understand what this is even supposed to be (besides a waste of his time/energy).
CIF,
You know better than to say or even think that he thingks it is a waste of his time and energy. It is his life….his day to day.
It is him wanting to build up your ET so that you engage with him. He doesnt care how…just some sport of engagement.
Has the cousin been back in touch with you? Has the N shown back up again?
Did your wishes come true for Christmas?
Kim,
Thanks for the break, my friend💜 One of my jobs requires a lot of mental focus/being full-force “ON” intellectually…so that’s why I go outside regularly, to rejuvenate~engage in physical activity/enjoy nature, etc…which leads me to answering one of your questions: yes, I’ve seen him again, on the way *back* from where he was…this time, a different vehicle (which makes sense, with his side hobby/career). I think a guy related to his career was with him…he just drove by, and I pretended like I didn’t know – good sunglasses are useful😎 (again, I was doing yard-related stuff). I’m sure the guy with him had no idea what he was doing…my nex wouldn’t reveal anything like that to anyone he knows professionally.
You have every right to scold me for the “wasting his time” comment. But what I mean is that he can facilitate enough attention (fuel) he needs close to home. He’s not hard up that way. So that element is weird to me, like I’m missing some piece to this. Maybe it’s as simple as he’s being obsessive. Oh well…the good news (IS there good news, Caroline?) is that I now know the general timeframe of when he will come-and-go, in my area. Yeah, I agree, so far that’s not helped — I was outside both times. But it really helps in another way…
One helpful clue, from the cousin, is that he may also be “checking out the competition.” Yes, WE know there’s no competition going on — there’d have to be involvement with my nex for that. But she did say that. It’s one of the two things that I’ve been concerned about. So I’m hyper-aware of not letting that happen (hand raised/oath coming)…to the best of my ability…so help me God.🙂
No, the cousin and I are not/will not be in touch. She did appreciate she could talk to me here. I know she didn’t speak for him, as he would be really pissed if he knew she told me some things she did…and he explicitly told her he would not make a bold move to talk to me then because (I quote what he said to her): “You don’t know Caroline like I do. That’s not the way to handle her.” Yes…I know…no need to even comment back to me on that.
It is what it is. It will either burn itself out…or he will “up” it. I realize these are the two options. I’m balancing being alert, while living my life…to the best of my ability…so help me God. 🙂 I can’t control which way he goes. But this is where it is, for now.
CIF,
You know he is not going to stop and will ramp it up.
There will ALWAYS be competition in his mind as he owns you….you are his….whether you are an ipps or ipss….ex or current. it might be your job, your dog or your current love interest. He want sot check it out and see if it is really a threat.
And I believe (sorry) that the N set up the cousin by telling her NOT to say anything to you. I cant remember the name of it, but there is ahoover that does exactly that. It is to make it seem to you that they dont care. I have always thought from the beginning that the “cousin thing” was a set up. I still believe it.
Yes, you are correct. It is what it is.
Hope everything else is well. Sorry if I sound like I am preaching……
smoochies
Kim,
You’re not “lecturing”~you’re just giving your opinion on the details of this narcly situation, and I know it’s because you care.😊 It’s probably the way I wrote it, but he didn’t tell the cousin not to talk to me. The quote I gave was his response to her — when she told him that she felt it would be good for him to try to “talk things out” with me — in other words, to approach me (he disagreed). Anyway, right there, it shows that the cousin thinks this is some normal “they still love each other” situation, which is telling. I think that’s actually what most of his family (maybe even friends) think.
Anyway, she circled back later (this would make more sense if I could give more details), as she had other things she wanted to talk to me about, and she stuck to those. From his perspective, I have no doubt he did exactly what he wanted to do that day, no more – no less. He’s self-controlled, in that way. Anything else she would do after that was not what he would want, and that part is abundantly clear to me, because it didn’t help him…and he does know me well enough to know that. He also likes to control the message & see reactions. I, unfortunately, know from much experience how he operates. Among the things he hates is anyone taking over, like they must “assist” him. Whatever it is he has in mind appears to be a slow-as-molasses plan.
I do appreciate you adding your thoughts, but I don’t want you to be too concerned that I’m being naïve about his family (or friends). I’m not.❤ But I also will live my life & stay true to myself. My peace and strength remain, along with the awareness, and that’s very important to me.
He may “up” this, but it really depends on what his plan actually is…which, again, is unknown to me. I could guess, but that’s all it would be — and it could change tomorrow, so I just don’t dwell on it, and feeling calm & solid is the reason I think that is possible. Knowledge (here) has helped a lot, with this now. Do I wonder what he’s up to? Of course I do…but I find that I’m not overanalyzing/ruminating on it, which I think is healthy. I’ll have to adapt as needs be, if this goes a certain way. I’m realistic about that.
For now, I’d say it’s clear (factual) that he wants to keep an eye on me…wants to see if he can observe anyone else around me…and doesn’t mind (however quietly) letting me see he’s there.
I don’t think this yet meets the legal definition of stalking…I think it’s considered “spying.” That matters, in some ways.
Hello HG. I am listening to you on YouTube currently and have two questions please. Does a narc only hover the primary source and have you ever been wounded? Thank you!
Have a Happy New Year!
1. No.
2. Yes.