This Is Not No Contact! No. 3


The temptation to check the narcissists social media is strong, often irresistible. After all, you need to know what he is doing, who is he with after he disengaged from you, is he writing about you? Does that cryptic post have something to do with you or is it aimed at someone new?

He said he was not in town this weekend, so how come he has checked in at the bar in the city centre? Why is he posting memes about loyalty? Has he fallen out with the new Intimate Partner Primary Source? Are those comments about never trusting part of a smear campaign against you? Why are the pictures of him and you still up when he is no longer seeing you? Why have the pictures of you and him been removed so quickly at the end, does he not care at all?

Where is she? Who is she with? What is she doing? What does this mean? Why has he gone there? Who is that person in the picture? Why did he not take me there? Why is she with him? Why has he chosen her?

Questions. Questions. Questions.

And you went snooping on the social media to get answers. You may get some, but more usually you will only generate more questions. Even if you gain some answers, they will lead you to want to learn more, you think you are playing detective, piecing it together, but all you are continuing to do is engage with the narcissist by doing something in relation to the narcissist (viewing his or her social media), then talking about what you find with other people (often at length) and/or ruminating over it.

Always the questions? Always the pondering?

Think you have gained some knowledge? Maybe, but your emotional thinking will make you think you are making progress and keep you hunting. If you do not turn something up at first, your emotional thinking will keep you hunting again, convincing you that everyone has something on social media and therefore the answers will come in due course.

But this is not breaching no contact is it? After all, it is not as if you are spending time with the narcissist or talking to him. There is no direct contact and how can he even know that you are looking at his Facebook posts, watching his Twitter feed, spying on his Instagram activity?

Firstly, the narcissist expects you to be doing this, such is the entitlement and grandiosity. Thus, Thought Fuel will be generated, for a short time at least.

Secondly, by engaging in this you are of course inviting being impaled on The Devil´s Pitchfork. You may not be providing any fuel, but you will be suffering an adverse consequence because you will become confused, irritated, hurt, angry and so forth and thus you are losing. You are also increasing your emotional thinking and thus remaining on The Narcissist´s Wheel of Misery. You will not reduce your emotional thinking by engaging in this activity and furthermore, by keeping it high, you will keep engaging further, hunting, sifting, analysing and spying. With the continued consequence as you go round and round and round.

You do not need to know what the narcissist is saying, doing, seeing or boasting about.

Your emotional thinking corrupts your empathic trait of truth seeking to make you think this is a necessary and logical step.

It is not.

You are breaching the first golden rule of freedom.

You must halt this activity and the the most effective way is to remove yourself from social media (for a time at least) and ensure you do not look at the narcissist on social media in any shape or form.

Get Out.

Stay Out.


22 thoughts on “This Is Not No Contact! No. 3

  1. Em says:

    My ex narc is lonely so he tells me. He’s been without a IPPS for a few months. I know I should have blocked the email. I’ve been playing with him. Responding then not responding. Telling myself I know what he is and if I keep him at a distance what’s the harm. Then I get a request from him on fb. Always told me he wasn’t on it. Obv just dormant. Women excitedly commenting that he’s back on and where had he been all this time.
    I saw all the women I thought he was involved with and some I didn’t expect who told me they hated him.
    And some new ones Hes grooming who are oblivious to his fishing for compliments. They praise his profile photo – which is 10 yrs out of date. He acts naive. She blows him a kiss emoji. I’m tempted to post a quip asking for an updated photo or a cryptic message saying – it’s just a mask.
    There is even the gf before last. He cheated on her with me and the last gf and probably others.
    Almost as interesting is the absence of some that I would expect to see there. Maybe they haven’t responded yet. Plus he’s mixing them all up together. Friends family IPSSs work social ex’s – the whole gambit across the compartments. He’s never done that before. Why would cheated on ex gf still be friends? He’s been without a proper Ipps for a few months. Work has crumbled. He’s rebuilding. He needs fuel. This is an easy platform to gather from. I know I shouldn’t have looked. All the info and questions I gleaned from one five minute stalk. All the women I thought were better than that who I thought were friends. I can count myself in those numbers. Being dishonest with each other. Being jealous. Flirting. Hoping to be chosen. How we had been triangulated. How they were still being triangulated. I suppose one good thing I was not going to join the feeding frenzy any more. Not going to be a face smiling back at him. Furling him. Even though I felt envy for the ones getting attention and sex. It’s all fake I must remember. How much did one visit do to my emotional thinking.
    I have options. I can accept his invitation or leave it pending or block him. The temptation to leave his invitation pending is strong. I can spy from time to time then. To see who is in devaluation who is popular who is blind.
    Reading this persuaded me to block him. Which I did. It’s agony but it will get easier. I blocked his emails but still they come through.
    The same day one arrived saying he wanted to communicate he didn’t like being ghosted. Ignored. Gut wrenching. But I know it’s fake and I want it to be real. ET surge.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Honest and constructive.

      1. Em says:

        Thank you HG. I’m learning. Not perfect but getting there. Hope you can see progress.

  2. Gab says:

    I agree with all of that but I must say, lurking what he is doing helped my healing process. Of course the beginning I was hurt when I saw how he was love bombing new preys but on the other hand I felt relief seeing that 2 months later the relationship is over and the new “The one” is just a broken toy like me.

    It gave me answears I was looking for, it helped me understand how it all works. I also know he can commit on Social media, tag a woman as his girlfriend one day and the next day he can write to a complete stranger “you are so hot”. So I know his commitment means nothing, it is just a manipulation, you can be discarded or cheated on next day “just like that” so it doesn’t trigger me anymore.

    Sometimes I am just angry when I see that his new girlfriends are so blind they cant see the mistreatment or just let him abuse them because their ET is so high. I am pissed I cant help them because they won’t believe me. I am angry they are so confused while he is so predictable for me and I know what and why he is doing.

  3. cogra002 says:

    This is one seriously good piece of advice right here! This part can be hard.
    Also some of what they post is staged, knowing how you’ll feel when u see it. Some is not even true.

    Happy New Year HG and fellow Tudorites!!
    A Narc-free New Year to all! 🍾🥳🎆

    1. K says:

      Happy New Year cogra002, FYC and everyone on narcsite!

      1. WiserNow says:

        Thank you cogra002 and K. Happy New Year to both of you!

        1. K says:

          My pleasure WiserNow
          Happy New Year! It’s good to see that haven’t been pinched by the Tudor Marshals!

          1. WiserNow says:

            Happy New Year K. I hope 2020 is a good one for you.
            The Tudor Marshals came and went and all is well. I took your advice and didn’t answer the door (present silent treatment). Before they arrived, I also put down the window shutters and stuffed the mailbox with junk mail to make it look like I was away on holidays (future faking).
            That did the trick! Thank you for your help 😉😘

          2. K says:

            My pleasure WiserNow
            Excellent, it looks like your ruse worked! When you have a chance, YouTube: Private Eyes by Hall and Oates and Every Breath You Take by The Police, I think you will really like those songs.

      2. Lorelei says:

        Happy New Year “K and me” not “K or I!” Or K and you? K and them? Who shall or should? Who knows. Have a good day everyone! I feel like Dr. Seuss today.

        1. K says:

          Happy New year! Did you drink a lot of grog last night?

          1. Lorelei says:

            No K—I predicted developing influenza due to repeated exposure. I swabbed more people in the exam room during my last work day than ever before. (15-20?) Nearly all were positive for both A or B strains. I felt weak and nauseous yesterday and started to cough. I am prepared with meds and stayed away from the kids mostly/slept. I am guessing it’s a mild B type influenza and I’m not really miserable but was not in a mood for alcohol. I’m packing now and holding up well. Headed home today. I hope the kids don’t get it but they probably will. It will be interesting to look at local statistics on the flu when this season is over.

          2. K says:

            This flu season is looking bad, worst than last year. Thank God the children have two weeks off from school.
            Take care of yourself. Try a Hot Toddy. When my brother and I got the flu, my father made us a Hot Toddy, I suspect it had whisky in it, and I remember feeling better.

            My daughter’s best friend had Hand-foot-and-mouth disease over the weekend, with a fever of 103; I hope my daughter doesn’t get it.

          3. Lorelei says:

            Hand foot and mouth is highly contagious if they interacted at the right time. It’s miserable—I’ve had it so be careful. Headed out for a 3 hour drive!

          4. K says:

            Shit! Thanks for the heads up; enjoy the drive.

          5. Lorelei says:

            Oh we have already stopped after 20 min at a McDonald’s. Their food is disgusting and only good if pregnant and/or lactating. I hate this place. I also got the adventure challenge I mentioned before Christmas and the kids looked up activities. You scratch them off based on price. I said it had to be inexpensive so the one chosen was to have a f*^%ing egg smashed into my head when I get home. (That is what it boils down to..) They think it’s funny and it’s just not a shampoo day.

          6. K says:

            Hahahaha…better you than me; enjoy the chicken nuggets!

          7. Violetta says:

            Survived swine flu in ’09, and this regimen helped:

            Wedge pillow to ease breathing. Dull slant to sleep, but put in sharp slant position when reading or when really congested.

            Volume saline sinus rinse–4 oz each nostril. Neil-Med has a good one.

            Slow-brewed chicken soup–lowest heat all day or all night, with following herbs:
            Rosemary – antibiotic
            Pinch lavender – antiseptic
            Onion – anti-inflammatory
            Raw ginger – clears throat, settles stomach
            Raw horseradish – clears sinuses

            Freeze in small portions, nuke for individual meals at least once a day. Add vegetables or proteins of choice.

            Vary starches to keep from dying of boredom: options include ramen noodles, rice, matzah balls, wonton, gnocchi, spaetzle, oyster crackers, etc.

            Remember the Tudoristas are pulling for you.

            Happy post-Flu year!

  4. FYC says:

    Unrelated to this post, I saw this quote and thought of the readers here: “May the tears you cried in 2019 water the seeds you have planted for 2020.”-unknown

    Wishing you all a happy, healthy, peaceful, joyful and Zero Impact 2020!

    1. WiserNow says:

      Thank you FYC! That’s a great quote. Happy New Year to you too!

      1. FYC says:

        WN, My pleasure. Happy New Year

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