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383 thoughts on “Why Am I Drawn To Toxic Behaviours?”
Yes I agree there is a lot to be thankful for. I can’t afford to get the packages and bulletins as fast as I would want to but I have enough control with my environment now that I can go on with my life and purchase more materials from HG at a pace that I can afford. I was wrong, I actually already purchased three. I have a list of to buy but I am not in a hurry to get all of them at once. I’m just glad that they are available.
I could have written your post. I am doing the same, reading a lot, then wishing for an assistance package but which one? as I relate to almost all of them, all seem essential. And for a consult I have so many topics, so many narc detectors…
You made me laugh with your friend telling you that he can’t afford to bail you! 🙂
Thank you for your answer
HG howabout a premium membership – once a year and we get all the logic bulletins!
marecristalino: I understand the money issue. I had originally planned to read as many of HG’s articles and listen to as many of his YT videos as I could before purchasing an Assistance package or requesting a consult. I didn’t know what kind of of consult or assistance packages I needed anyway, and I didn’t want to waste money/word maximums/time if my questions were already answered elsewhere. I bought some of his books off Amazon, and was working through them.
This path seemed sensible, as my adjunct job from hell didn’t give me a Spring section and probably never will again.
Then I got the “thank you sorry but” email from a job I had interviewed for, and I had thought the interview went unusually well. Did my adjunct employer tell them I eat babies for breakfast? Could they smell it on my breath over the phone? Was there a point in going on, since I was going to be the Weird One everywhere I went (unless I returned to NYC, where everyone is insane, which I can’t afford to.do)?
I decided that since my life was ruined anyway, I might as well visit my home town and beat up my childhood shrink and a few elementary teachers for gaslighting me instead of reporting my wife-beating, kiddie-bashing dad. I called a few friends in a hysterical rage, and one said, “Vi, I can’t afford to bail you, if you do that.”
I have calmed down somewhat and am back to researching job openings as well as HG’s work, but if you’re dealing with an emergency, i.e., you’re worried about dealing with an ex who might get violent (or in my case, I might), hospital bills, lawyer fees, and bail money would cost more than consulting HG.
If it gets that bad again, I’ll give HG a brief rundown of what’s going on and ask what package or consult I need, if I can only afford to start with one at the moment. I don’t trust easily, but if it’s just another of life’s nasty scams, which his other materials certainly haven’t been, at least it won’t cost as much as my first shrink was paid for all those years of covering up my family situation and giving me the hyper label at school (just in case my credibility and self-worth hadn’t been completely destroyed already).
TL: DR: I can’t speak to the consults or packages (though other have endorsed them), but the articles, books, and recordings have cleared away enough fog to use on the film set of a horror movie.
Thank you for your answers and suggestions MommyPino, Loreley, Pino
I discovered this site one year and a half ago. And although I have almost not interacted with you at all I have read the majority of the articles. My frustration was that now I wanted to start with that next level of assistance bulletins and that is not possible for now, that is MY issue. I do agree with your points.
I also feel a gratitude to HG. First I realized that my ex was a MR narc, and then came a chain of AHA moments: that my mother was also a MR narc, my father a Lower Narc, my brother a greater I guess, and then other people: friends, neighbors, colleagues… I was living in a narc nest. Not one narc in six persons, but higher.
It was as if I was performing in the stage of a theater. I was falling all the times on the same places and trying very hard not to fall there but it was always the same. Then powerful light bulbs came on and I could finally see the reason: there were holes there where I was falling, that I was not seeing.
I went total no contact with my family 18 years ago. It was an instinctive move from my side. I had an injury that made me totally dependent on them. Their lack of support and negligence was so brutal that made me escape and not turning back ever. That saved my life as I was suicidal. It also put me on a difficult situation I was alone and not trusting anyone.
The logic of HG lead me to review all my relationships and to put them in the “correct boxes”: this is a narc, this normal, an empath. So now I am opening up more as I feel I have more control on my environment/relationships. At least I understood why I was falling always there.
So that’s a lot to be thankful of
Hello Leolita, You could have stoped at “Is it typical for a narc to use you” and the answer would be yes.
I do not know all of your particulars, but if your so-called mutual friends arranged a party that you were not invited to, when they know of your relationship with the N, then they are not your friends. So, please forgive my presumptuousness, but YES, dispose of the whole lot of them and value yourself more. Far more. You are worthy of people who appreciate you for all that you are. You are worthy to be valued (highly) every day of the week. Please don’t settle for less. Never lose yourself. You are a treasure. Always remember that.
Thank you for the support, FYC! ❤️ You are right, I know I need to go NC. I have read and listened to HGs articles, (yet again), that is the best antidote for my strong ET. It is hard when you feel like you want to doubt that he is a narcissist- even though I know he is. HG has confirmed that he is. But I was fooled by my ET into thinking I might not have given HG enough details, and so on- in other words my ET was playing with my logic, trying to find an excuse for contact.
Hi Leolita, ET can be strong, especially when you *want* the answer to give you hope (in this case that he is not a narcissist). Yet buying hope/time is a waste of time and will ultimately hurt you more in the long run. I understand your thinking that you did not provide enough information on the narc detector, but unless HG came back on the fence about his narcissism, then you provided enough. He is a N. No amount of love or effort will change that fact. You deserve better. Ask yourself, “How would my life be different without the angst? Without the lies? Without the constant wondering? Without the many efforts to reach for a happy outcome and come up empty? How different would my life be if I were with someone who would never cause me to wonder? Someone who’s words and actions were one and the same?” I think you get the idea. No matter how much you long to solve what eludes you, you will forever be stuck in an escalating abusive cycle. There is no overcoming narcissism. Only acceptance. Once you accept this, you can have real joy and real freedom and happiness. You have a good heart. Save it for those who cherish it.
Correct; acceptance is freedom.
HG, thank you so very much!!!! You are my rock.
You are welcome.
Really del like I am losing myself, I really would appreciate if you could find the time to help me understand this:
1. Is it typical for a narc to use you for sex, take you out to dinners, and act like a «good friend» – especially during weekdays- but when the weekend arrives, he completely turns, Is not interested in meeting up, replies with «I dont know what is happening, this weekend» when I ask if we can hang (keeping his options open) And then goes to a party rather than hang out with you? (He could invite me to join the party, but no. I am excluded, basically. We have a couple of mutual friends who is arranging the party. Unfortunately they all know I have been in contact with him (he is my ex) again).
2. is this me being in devaluation?
3. Is this also a sign that I am being smeared?
4. Should I just delete these friends, in every sense? Also on Facebook? I was hoping the drama could go over, but I am in this shit again….And now nothing makes sense.
I do not have the money for a consultation, but could surely need one….
2. It depends on your position in the fuel matrix. If IPPS again, you are receiving Respite Periods and then Devaluation. I suspect it is more likely that you are a Former IPPS and you are being treated in a shelf manner. The shelving is not devaluation.
4. You need to evaluate their impact on the required no contact regime, if interaction with the, breaches no contact or poses a risk to no contact, remove them.
There is more to explore re item 4, but that does require a consultation.
Hi marecristalino—this keeps coming up and I even had a reader (a lovely person) suggest maybe leaving the support of the paid items alone, as the quality is reflected by the work itself etc—I understand this can be the case from some perspectives. I won’t be able though to stop commenting though. Why? First, FYC has indicated the cost alone to run this blog is far from free. There has to be a means of supporting the free material.
I think I’m a particularly hard case (not because I’m special) but because I wasn’t just empathic enough to be a target, but heavily imprinted upon. This has dominated every mental health issue in my life. It’s the root cause analysis if you will. Period. I was not ok recently—I was able to string together the “why” through the paid material and a random free article K directed me to. In essence, I was able to synthesize the answer by usIng all of the resources to make the connection and once that occurred the lightbulbs went off.
I know what financial abuse is. First hand. I’ll never get back what I spent covering up my ex’s gambling. Yes, I have a reasonable lifestyle. But in order to finance the assistance needed to recover from the “what happened” I work extra and it takes me away from home. It is a sacrifice. Some people cut out $100 dinners. I rarely eat out, I don’t have cable, Etc. The point is that I have an addiction to narcissists so for me, I have to really dive into all aspects of it. That occasionally means paying for some items. If nothing else please be aware the blog is expensive. I imagine the art work alone is costly.
I hope you have a good day and I hope that helped, HG didn’t need my back up per se but I’m a testament to the divorce package alone saving me thousands. It was less than an hour would have been paid to my attorney.
Thank you Lorelei.
My attorney billed $180.00 (137.18 GBP) per hour, however, that hour could be divided by thirds, so a 5 minute phone call would cost $60.00 (45.73 GBP).
It’s expensive. HG saved me ~$1000-1500’ish on just one occasion by using logic associated with the divorce assist to not mediate over an issue threatening his control. He was fighting a parenting coordinator as well—they are expensive and would have intruded into our lives.. The divorce would not be final and my life still on hold even as of right now. His thrust of control was being told what to do in regard to his “lady friend’s” involvement. I quickly quit bantering over her engagement with the kids. The kids want to be with me anyway and the girls complain about spending too many nights at his house. My son has a touch of Aspergers so is comfortable to isolate and play games, so being at his dads is just as comfortable as he is never forced to interact. It isn’t a popularity contest but really just about making sure everyone’s needs are met at the end of the day.
I’ll never speak to my ex again. Never. He has to to use a third party even in my presence to communicate. He can’t text me either. It’s been directed to email or in emergency a friend can translate for him.
My ULN e-mailed his attorney claiming that the children weren’t being fed or dressed properly, when all was said and done, that e-mail cost me almost $1,500.00 (1145.81 GBP).
What an utter waste of money.
The equivalent of 12 audio consultations. Imagine what could be done with that. (Buy 5 get one free before anybody starts getting all mathematical with me).
It burns my ass just thinking about it! Your work is invaluable and I would have gladly paid you $1,500.00 for audio consultations over that nonsense.
How many children K?
Two with the ULN and one with the MMRN.
I see I’m not the only narcissist junkie K!
Hahahaha…there are many narc junkies here! Welcome to Narcoholics Anonymous.
K—I had no idea it would turn into all of this!
Hahahaha…surprise, I don’t think any of us did!
The free articles here in the blog are amazingly helpful and informative. Before HG started offering the paid logic bulletins all that I did was read his old articles. I didn’t know that my mom was a narcissist nor my sister and the articles gave me the answers. When I had extra money I bought Chained and Manipulated. I was also lucky enough that Sitting Target and Sex and the Narcissist were part of the Kindle Unlimited at that time although now they are not anymore but those books are incredibly helpful as well. I haven’t had a consultation with HG yet except for the Empath Detector but my life has already improved so much from going No Contact which I learned from the free articles here and also reading the extensive materials on different abusive behaviors that HG has provided here. I will agree that the paid articles and bulletins are very informative as I have already purchased two of them but before I have even purchased them I have already learned so much. HG also answers questions for free and the commenters are very helpful as well. I have never had a therapy my whole life and reading through the free articles in his blog has given me so much knowledge and understanding about my past that I don’t think I would need a therapy anymore. I hope that you keep on reading here and I wish you well on your journey.
Thank you MP.
You’re most welcome HG and thank you for all the help you provide to us.
You can search hundreds of articles for free in the search engine.
You can access all of HG’s you tube videos which comes from a lot of articles from the blog.
Thank you for your fair answer,
Yes, I can see how it opens up accessibility
Why is that? Because I am aware my emotional thinking gets high when I came here for support and find so many suitable packages not economically reachable for me currently
You are welcome.
Are you becoming a pay-only blog?
I am sad that every time I came back here I cannot read the majority of your new posts
The best Angel assistance would be to keep it open,
just my thoughts
No, this is not becoming a pay only blog. Why is that?
1. You have FREE access to several hundred articles in the archives.
2. You have FREE access to tens of thousands of blog comments which provide answers.
3. You are able to ask questions here for FREE and you will often receive an answer.
4. I am still posting new FREE material. See A Very Royal Narcissist.
5. You can read the material. You pay for it. It costs very little compared to
a. The cost of therapists, psychologists
b. The money it will save you in terms of, for example, legal fees by understanding how a narcissist behaves in a divorce
c. The saving in energy, worry, emotional effort etc means I should charge more (I have been told this many times)
6. The increase in Assistance Packages and Logic Bulletins is being done because
a. It means more people can access them in their own time than wait to access me through audio consultation so I am opening up accessibility
b. They all cost less than an audio consultation and therefore you can actually address key aspects of the narcissistic dynamic through the packages, keep returning to it and for less than what is currently charged for an audio consultation, which also increases accessibility.
7. Feel free to ask your lawyer, dentist, doctor, architect or manager of your supermarket to provide you with goods and services for free on the level that I do and I will be interested in the response.
I wasn’t sure where else to post this. Presented for your perusal, HG, an article from slate.com regarding the impeachment trial in the Senate of you-know-who. I believe it presents a very interesting example of the scurrying around N victims and N flying monkeys go through, often in unison, to avoid dealing with the objective truth of the N at the center of it all. I believe it provides interesting data for the old, “Why can’t normals see them?!” I think you’ll find it entertaining. https://slate.com/comments/news-and-politics/2020/01/impeachment-trail-senate-no-conclusion-two-sides-different-investigations.html
“Cats don’t have emotions like we do”
You are correct. They have emotions, but they are not necessarily the same ones we have. The fact that you worry about it is one of the kinder aspects of being an empath.
One of the best depictions of vapid evil is when a character in The Once and Future King boils a cat alive to find a supposed invisibility bone. After getting partway through testing the bones to find the right one, she gets bored and tosses the whole thing away. She has never intended to use the invisibility bone, because she is too proud of her beauty, but uses this procedure to pass the time.
You don’t have to be an empath to know that animals do experience pain and fear. You have done what you can to minimize both. Territorial disputes are a part of CatThink where humans can’t always assist.
I’m sorry for popping in to your conversation, just one second and then I’m gone again!
Regarding rehoming the cats, if you want to get good practices of introducing cats, see Jackson Galaxy, he’s on YT, animal planet, …
Also, I read your story on the other thread, you are very strong, please allow yourself to be proud of yourself 💛
(Take also 15 minutes per day for that emotion 💪🏻)
I’m glad you popped in! If worse comes to worse I keep one and my oldest daughter takes one. The issue is that one of them bites. She is seemingly friendly and will allow being petted/held. She then, out of no where, will strike. My oldest does not want her. The cat is somewhat of a narcissist! She is also ugly but she makes me sad because no one likes her.
Hi NA, thank you for your question. The handyman’s behaviors towards me triggered an addiction where I started to look forward to him working at our house and whenever he cancelled I was disappointed and I have been thinking about him obsessively and when he finished his job and I didn’t see him again I felt a feeling of withdrawal where I couldn’t eat and my energy was down which my husband actually noticed and he asked me several times if something was bothering me. I was fantasizing if seeing him again too. Now that I learned more about my life history here and about myself I realize that the addiction was not necessarily to narcissists or the handyman but the addiction that I have inside that he triggered is my addiction to the hot and cold dynamic. My addiction to trying to win people over and the feeling of being in control when I am able to manage an angry narcissist. His behaviors during his almost two weeks of interacting with me started with a suggestive stare then smirking at my offended expression then dialing the haughtiness down by being extra polite to me and even adjusting his voice and being non threatening whenever he approached me by approaching me from an angle instead of directly from the front etc. Then I complimented his work and I saw his almost child like expression of relishing my words which triggered a feeling in me. I have not seen my husband react that way when I compliment him, he sometimes even jokingly self deprecate so the handyman made me feel that my words have some power to make him happy. He looked at me like I was highly esteemed by him after that and it felt that we had a connection. Then he started talking to me all the time, initiating conversations with me in a very polite manner. Then he asked for my number so that he can call or text me when he will work instead of my husband and I told him that he can just keep contacting my husband instead and he had an upset look when I didn’t give him my number. The next time he worked he wouldn’t even look at me. And it was like that intermittent hot and cold the whole time. Every time he would ignore me I tried to behave in a way to reel him back to liking me again and talking to me again. But each time he likes me again he pushed boundaries a little bit more and became more and more suggestive. The day before his last day, he was supposed to work for only three hours or so but he gave me a lot of more aggressive and suggestive innuendos and he stayed at the room that he was working at really late. My husband visited him before going to bed and he thought that the handyman will just leave when he’s done. My husband was already asleep from his sleeping pills because he will have surgery early next day and the handyman was still in the room and I knew that he was waiting for me especially with the look that he gave me when my husband and I visited him one last time in that room. I decided to avoid the handyman and just go to bed with my husband but I couldn’t sleep because I knew that the the guy was waiting for me. He finally went home at midnight. He was upset the next day that he went to work which was his last day. I knew that it was because I didn’t show up the night before which I never agreed to meet him nor did I tell him to stay there that late. But for some reason I could feel the expectation for me to be there. He wasn’t smiling, his steps were heavy and he wore an angry face while working. He didn’t approach me from an angle anymore, instead I remember him standing straight directly towering in front of me with a very neutral face just staring down at me. He is about 6’2” and I’m 5’3”. My behaviors and reactions pacified him and he seemed happy in the end. So long story short, the narcissistic dynamic of hot and cold was my addiction trigger. But it’s not going to work anymore because I am aware of it now.
Hi mommypino….yes i agree victim narcs ate boring and also annoying. I had a friend who is one. She complained and boohooed about everything. This was before i learned about npd and the time and energy i gave her i shake my head. They drain people. Now i can pick them out and steer clear.
Haha so true!! My sister was Elite Medium MR though but she went into massive victim mode when she was going through what HG calls a reality gap. Basically her poor choices in life started to catch up to her and she was being forced to live with the products of her poor choices (mostly poor financial and career choices) and her grandiosity was way out of sync with her reality. They tend to waste a lot of our time with their constant need for attention. I remember what HG said about Reese Witherspoon’s character in the Big Little Lies when someone asked HG how Madeline finds time to do everything that she does like being super involved with her friends, her kids and the community theater and HG said that’s because she’s married to a Normal. It couldn’t be more true. Narcissists do tend to take a lot of our time and energy.
Hi mommypino…ty for your reply. Its good you noticed your addiction to the handyman. Did you question if something was missing from your marriage or something within yourself why you were drawn to this man? Some narcissists can seduce so well but the ability for them to ensnare i think is from a place of vulnerability. Why do you think he affected you that way? You seem very content and happy but is something missing? I know for myself passion and intimacy is missing so its obvious in my own situation.
I can relate to having narcs in the family my mother, stepdad and brother are narcissists and im the odd man out which im embracing. Im proud of the fact im not like them.
Hi Chi-mum, wow you actually grew up with three narcissists. I only grew up with one, my mom. You have every reason to be proud and even thankful that you are not like them. I am thankful that I’m not like my mom. When I was pregnant with my first child I was telling my husband that I am afraid that I will not be a good mom and that our kid will not listen to my teachings as a parent and will not respect me just like I didn’t listen to my mom. He assured me that it will not happen because I am not like my mom. And he’s absolutely correct. I finally understood the difference between me and my mom. I couldn’t bear to treat them in any way near the way she treated me which is why I truly believe that she didn’t have empathy even for her child.
About my marriage, it was not perfect before the handyman. But it wasn’t bad either. I had minor issues but none of those have ever made me think of leaving my marriage. One issue was my resentment over my conflicts with his two daughters and his ex wife. They have been extremely vicious towards me and my husband was caught in the middle because he loves his daughters unconditionally. It frustrated me that he remained kind and loving to them in spite of how they treated me but actually I was more bothered that they disrespect him and use him and he just always turn the other cheek. I was unhappy because that’s not what my relationship with my mom was and I felt that they needed to be punished by him. At that time I didn’t fully understand that my relationship with my mom was far from a relationship that most kids with normal parents have so my resentment is that how can they be so vicious and get away with all of it. But now I don’t have that resentment anymore as I now know that he is also ensnared by his daughters and his ex wife is also a narcissist who has heavily influenced their kids.
But mostly I think that my. vulnerability came from my addiction to toxic behaviors, specifically the hot and cold and trying to appease an angry narcissist. That was my life with my mom. I do remember having a feeling that whenever I was interacting with the handyman I felt like I was at home. It felt like I was my most authentic self. All the years that I am in a relationship with my husband, I felt happy that my luck has changed but I also felt lost at times when it comes to how normal relationships go. I do follow his lead though and we both trust each other. But I have been constantly aiming to learn and be better although I also felt incredibly safe to thrive. But with the handyman I felt like I was at home and I belong to him. That’s why I thought that maybe he was my soulmate even though I didn’t believe in that stuff. It was just the available way for me to explain the intense connection that I was feeling for the handyman. Now I know that the intense connection was just my intense connection to the trauma bonding or toxic dynamic that I was used to when I was growing up. My marriage wasn’t bad that if someone who wasn’t toxic fell for me, I would not feel the attraction that I had for the handyman. So I think that it wasn’t my marriage but it was my issue of being drawn to toxic dynamics or behaviors towards me.
Hi Chi-mum, I probably should clarify that my stepdaughters are adults and so they were vicious to me in an adult and narcissistic way. I would not have had the same feelings if they were children. And they are also mean towards their dad but at the same time ask for a lot of support for him in a very entitled way. They just expect it from him and are not even grateful. They punish him with various ways of silent treatments when they don’t get what they want. And their mom tries to be in the picture through their kids. Before I went NC with the stepdaughters they act like I am invisible yet they talk about what their mom thinks and her opinions all the time even how their mom would think about the way I decorated the house or the new paint that we chose etc. My husband ignores it but it was still hurtful to me because they don’t ignore him, I was the only one that was invisible. So that was my resentment but now life is so much easier because I went NC and my husband gave his complete support and he even says that life is so much better now.