Now, I Have You

NOW I HAVE YOU

We rely on ensnaring our victims. Whether it is a stranger who we pass each day and smile at, knowing that they will return the smile, whether it is a friend who relies on being associated with us and who enjoys the benefits of being seen with us or whether it is the intimate partner who is installed as our primary source, we need to ensure that our fuelling appliances are attached to us, connected and secured so that we can rely on the fuel being pumped our way. We have our ways of determining whether an appliance has become ours, no matter what source the appliance belongs to. These “shows” or “tells” are important to us for several reasons:-
We know that the appliance has become attached to us and therefore the fuel will continue to flow;
We are aware that our seduction of the appliance has worked. We seduce everybody that we target. There is the generally accepted definition of seduction that is applicable to the primary source, but our seduction also manifests against those who are secondary sources. When we seduce, we charm, win-over, beguile, attract and so forth and we do this to the friends, the colleagues and family members. Our seduction of a stranger may be as straight forward as smiling at them so they return the gesture, but it is a seduction nevertheless. Knowing that the seduction has succeeded is important.
Once we know we have you, then we can adjust our approach appropriately. This may mean maintaining a certain level of behaviour and thus conserving energy, thus we do not expend energy too greatly trying to charm you further when we have already succeeded. It may mean knowing that since you have been seduced and you are attached, we can turn our attention elsewhere.
We can broadcast the seduction to other people and know that we will not err in doing so. This broadcasting allows us to gain fuel both from those who admire our newly seduced appliance and those who are jealous of our latest conquest. Either way we receive fuel. Accordingly, the relationship bulletins can begin.
It will be the trigger for the discard of the malfunctioning current primary source. Once we know that the prospective replacement has been seduced and attached we can commence the discard.
Not only do we look for these shows and tells in order to confirm to us that the seduction has been achieved, we use them as way markers to confirm to us that we are heading in the correct direction during the seduction and it will not be too long before we have you completely in our grasp. These indicators are important. If we do not see them, we know that we must apply more effort, more charm, more seductive power in order to reel you in. In some instances, if they remain absent we may form the view that the seduction is floundering and we may be better served turning our attentions elsewhere, so we are not denied fuel and we do not use up our energy on a wasted prospect. It is unusual for this to happen, but it can and therefore we need to see these indicators that confirm to us that you are falling under our spell, that you are being seduced and soon you will be attached to us.
In the context of seducing an intimate partner as a primary source these indicators are at their most prevalent and of course, by reason of that person being a prospective primary source, they are the most important ones to look for. Whilst it is material to see certain signs which tell us that we are acquiring a new and loyal inner circle friend, it is the indicators which signal to us that the prospective primary source is heeding our overtures which matter the most.
So, what are these indicators? There are many and the ones detailed below are not an exhaustive list but some of the more common ones. Some of these indicators do happen in ‘normal’ relationships, but they still should be heeded because they demonstrate that you are falling for us, that our charms are working and this will give us the comfort and information that we need to adjust our plans and machinations accordingly.
If you realise that you are doing these things now, then you are telegraphing to somebody that you are submitting to their seduction. If the seduction was once in the past, you may well recognise some of these things as matters which you did or said. Moreover, you will now know that if you wish to lay down a false scent, if you will, and deny us the indicators, these are the things you must avoid in order to encourage us in our seduction of you.
Answering your ‘phone within one ring when we call you.
Answering text messages in less than thirty seconds when we message you.
Answering your ‘phone, whether call or message in the middle of the night.
Cancelling plans with other people so that you can see us.
Inconveniencing yourself to spend time with us, for instance, travelling across town just to spend 30 minutes with us in a lunch hour.
Calling us and not having anything really to say to us.
Asking to know what our movements are during the day.
Going to something or doing something even though we know you do not like it really, just to please us and/or be with us;
Dropping everything to come to us on the pretext of an emergency;
Agreeing with us when we tell you that friends, family, colleagues etc are jealous of you and I and you do not try to make excuses for them, but instead you express dismay for their attitudes.
Buying something so you have the similar item to us.
Asking for an item of our clothing with our scent on so you can have us close to you.
Allowing us to borrow something and not asking for it back even though we have kept it for longer than we said we would.
Lending us money and not asking for it back.
Preferring to stay in than go out with your friends in the hope that we will call you.
Turning up unexpectedly at a place where we are.
Making considerable changes in your appearance to impress us;
Making changes to your home in order to impress us;
Writing poems or love letters to us;
Offering to do chores for us even though we do not live together;
Wanting us to accompany you to events
Telling us you miss us even though it has only been an afternoon that we have been apart.
Whilst it is a fact that these indicators also happen in ‘normal’ relationships, it is the fact that so many of them occur and that they do so with undue haste which sends us the signal that we want to see. Some would not happen in any relationship and with others it is the speed and aggregate effect of them which provides us with the indication that we wish to see. Be mindful of whether you are doing these things because if you are and you recognise the red flags of the way we behave towards you, you are in effect issuing a “come and get me I am yours” to us, with all the consequences that flow from that.

15 thoughts on “Now, I Have You

  1. Kristin says:

    kel,
    “But I am definitely intrigued in learning to focus on me and my perspective instead of on others.” Good for you! Ironically, we have to alter how we think in order to survive and persevere. I do not mean change who we are, but now that I am aware of my empath characteristics and traits, I am better prepared to deal with the narc and others I come into contact with. The empath detector was incredibly enlightening and answered many questions I had about myself. We have to start focusing on ourselves while simultaneously learning about and trying to understand the narcissist dynamic.

    I wish you the best as you continue to focus on you! 😊

    1. kel says:

      Kristin,
      Thank you so much! It’s a whole new way of thinking for me, that’s actually fun. You know any extreme isn’t likely good, definitely including empathy when it causes you to put yourself last and essentially kind of put yourself on the shelf for later, maybe? Well, here’s to doing things the right way!

  2. kel says:

    In an old home movie at a family picnic, I and two cousins were put in a playpen. One cousin stood crying her heart out, the other was angry and stood enraged and demanding (she became a narcissist), and I am sitting there quietly, one leg stretched out between the bars, with even a kind smile on my face. This is me my whole life. As a toddler, I was already used to having to be patient, to not getting what I wanted, to injustices, and to putting up with it – I would not dare carry on like my cousins because my narc mother would give me something to cry about if I did.

    My life has always been putting up with things, situations, people, and doing it quietly with a smile on my face, getting through it, waiting it out. I don’t have empathy for everyone’s problems, but I understand that they need me to comfort them. I do have massive empathy though for anything that I see that is wronged. Maybe because I relate to it. In fact I get down right mad about people who do wrong things and don’t care. I’m very much an empath with the extra sensitivities that range from bright lights and noise to having a sixth sense to putting myself in others situations and feeling the unbearable anxiety of it. ‘Saving Private Ryan’ begins with the longest most realistic war scene with soldiers intestines hanging out crying for their mothers- it took everything in me not to stand up and walk out of the theater at the start of that movie, I was sobbing and full of concern. Spielberg had set me down into the middle of a war.

    I’m intrigued to read from narcissist’s that not having empathy makes life so much easier. I can see that. I would never want to take it to the cold extreme they do, and would definitely never want to be a narcissist. I’m seeing them now from a new viewpoint, one that knows what they are, and I see how busy they are, constantly juggling everything from their perceptions and reactions to all the woman they’ve got chasing after them- it’s amazing. But I am definitely intrigued in learning to focus on me and my perspective instead of on others. Me having less empathy to the point I can be me and enjoy life my way and not care about others because really they should be concerned what I think about them- and do that with a kind, loving heart. That’s going to be me now.

  3. EyesWideOpen says:

    When you ensnared by a narcissist everyday feels like a *test*

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed.

  4. ThirstforKnowledge says:

    Very helpful! I recognize some of these from my prior relationship with a narcissist.

  5. lisk says:

    “Inconveniencing yourself to spend time with us, for instance, traveling across town just to spend 30 minutes with us in a lunch hour”

    I definitely did something like this, but travelled way further than across town. At least I got to spend more than four hours with him on the other end of it. And we did not sleep together, so that actually made it kind of nice…or at least I thought it was nice. In retrospect, I see he was only pretending to be “the nice guy.”

    Anyway, yes, he knew he had me at this point.

    1. Violetta says:

      Lisk:

      Sometimes I call her up at home knowin’ she’s busy
      And ask her if she could get away and meet me
      And maybe we could grab a bite to eat
      And she drops what she’s doin’ and she hurries down to meet me
      And I’m always late
      But she sits waitin’ patiently and smiles when she first sees me
      ’cause she’s made that way
      And if that ain’t lovin’ me….

      It ain’t, of course: she’s got Stockholm Syndrome.

      (This song was mentioned in Dave Barry’s Book of Bad Songs. I had never heard of it, and looked it up to see if it could possibly be as bad as its detractors claimed. It was worse.)

      1. lisk says:

        Oh, gosh. Sorry if recognized it, but needed to look it up to know.

        . . . and he’s a drunk (and possibly unemployed) so there’s probably co-dependency, too . . .

        And I wake up in the mornin’
        With my hair down in my eyes and she says hi
        And I stumble to the breakfast table
        While the kids are goin’ off to school, goodbye

        And she reaches out and takes my hand
        And squeezes it and says, how you feelin’ hon
        And I look across at smilin’ lips that warm my heart
        And see my mornin’ sun

        1. Violetta says:

          I see him as having a steady job in something like construction or being the Wichita lineman, not a morning person, needs coffee to get going, but basically figures as long as he’s a good provider and doesn’t cheat on her physically, he can be as much of an asshole otherwise as he wants. Not a career alcoholic, but feels entitled to spend more time than money having that one or two beers with his friends, as opposed to The Missus:

          I will raise the children
          If you pay all the bills….

          And we know how that ends:

          You made friends at the farm
          And you join them at the bar
          Almost every single day of the week
          I will wash the dishes
          While you go have a beer

          1. lisk says:

            A lineman or a construction guy would get up and out of the house WAY before his kids.

            Wichita Lineman is a great song. Not sure about the lyrics, but the sound has an eerie quality.

          2. Violetta says:

            Agreed. It’s a bit stalky, but the melody is haunting.

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  7. NarcAngel says:

    Those exact words.

    “I’m good.
    My guys all respect me.
    Now I have you”.

    Staring straight ahead (not at me) and more to himself. Like some weird checklist he had in his head but said out loud. I barely knew him.

    1. kel says:

      Exactly. Mine seemed like he was talking to me sometimes because I was right beside him, but what he said was more like he was telling himself noteworthy things.

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