How? Why? Who?
I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.
“But how could he do this to me after everything else? But why would he behave like this? But who would do such a thing as that? He said he loved me. I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”
I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.
Accordingly, when our devaluation is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?
This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.
You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,
“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”
It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-
- You must know what has happened and make sense of it
- You want to make things right
- You want the wonderful golden period again
5 thoughts on “How? Why? Who?”
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Ouch, HG, yet so appreciative of your blunt explanation. In the final analysis, a Narc stays in a relationship only with someone who is a blind follower and a compliant servant with tape over her mouth. Oh man, this theme can be applied in today’s social, political and corporate landscape. No wonder that there is an increase in ‘mental illness’-worldwide!
The tape over the mouth part… brought back a memory from October or so. Hes says all I talk about is the bad stuff. I dont agree. But there was so much happening and I catch things because my mind is like an inner detective. So when I catch things I mention them. He sees it as criticism.
Anyways, one night (many nights he did this) he gave me a nice example. He can give so many examples or reasonings to go along with why or why not to do something.
A year ago I ever said.. you can spend an hour telling me why your way is right… so can you do the same and tell me why mine is right for an hour too?
He said his goes into detail because it helps me and it would take too long to do both sides. And I explained that I am a smart woman and he can break it down. I dont need it drawn out.
Side tracking, he would tell me to. “Speak life” to “speak over things”. “This is the power we have. We can manifest things with our words.”
Sure i believe that and he went into detail about “how would we communicate if we had no option to speak?” It would be expressions. We would sit in silence and enjoy each others company. We wouldnt fit or bicker. This was over an hour. It all was fascinating and it all made sense… I talk to much..
Also, “understanding” one phrase i say a lot is “seek to understand” people dont do this much. I remember nick telling me in reply of me saying “I just like to understand people, that’s all i want to do” and he told me “it sounds like a big problem you have” i didnt think so at all. People are misunderstood too often and others make assumptions. Sorry not for me…
No, I am a kind of appliance who smell BS from afar and will question it. For example typical narcissistic flirting/triangulation. My ex was fighting for attention of random women online. It was needy and embarrasing. When I noticed it, I told him what I think about it. So we were fighting a lot about this thing and probably it caused him devalue me, because I didn’t want to pretend it is not happening.
But I understand what do you mean here HG. His new IPPS is totally different. She acts like nothing bad is happanening. She plays blind and probably do not react but I can’t imagine how she can not feel hurt. He leaves thirsty comments on every provocative photo. Really disrespectful to his girlfriend. And his girlfriend (in response?) seems to cling to him more, love him more. Don’t know what she is thinking but if I were her I would break up with him 5 times at least so far. But maybe it is her way to keep him no matter what. I don’t understand. Maybe she is more codependant than me, don’t know, but in the end, when she finally wake up it will hurt a lot.
Perfectly described.
I was so sweet never knowing that was what he was apparently tired of