V- Day

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Today is V-Day. You know it as Valentine’s Day and I know it is Victory Day because whatever happens today, I will come out on top. Valentine’s Day is now a cynical and manufactured event which tells people that they must exhibit love towards another or they ought to expect to be shown that they are loved. Accordingly, people are compelled to send pieces of card which are predominantly coloured red as some kind of token of their love. Florists go in to over drive to meet the demand as roses suffer their annual massacre all in the name of love.

Chocolates, stuffed toys, jewellery, perfume, champagne and many other types of gifts are purchased and presented for the purposes of heralding love. A special meal ought to be cooked or attendance at a venue which has invariably over-booked in order to capitalise on this free-for-all for love and attention. Simpering couples stare at one another, still enveloped in the early stages of infatuation, revelling in this materialistic manifestation of love.

He hopes to get laid or at least a blow job later for the outlay of his hard-earned, although of course he would ordinarily pour scorn on the notion of ever having to pay for sex. She hopes for a loving and romantic encounter between the sheets as the cherry on the cake for a delightful evening. If they might break their gaze they would see the jaded couples sat around them, struggling to find a sentence to share which does not involve talking about the children, how hard it was to get a booking and wondering when the food will arrive.

They give thanks to their own personal god as they grip their ‘phones and post their location and a picture of the over-priced fizz in order to tell the world, “Look at me, someone loves me, I am not a sad loser on V-Day.”

A day of fabrication and artifice. Yet, against this backdrop of manufactured sugary expressions of love, this a day for us to thrive. All of these superficial manifestations of how love should be shown amount to manna from heaven for our kind. There is not a lot of effort involved – buy a card, order some flowers, make a booking and so forth – do this for the expectant appliance which is being seduced and all the buttons are pressed. Maybe add some panache and sophistication in there should we determine that it merits it. Whether it is an over-sized card or an extravagant and classy piece of jewellery, it all amounts to the same thing from us. It is the simple exploitation of a day of expectations and we easily deliver.

Since we operate in the world of illusion, anything which tells us how love should be demonstrated and moreover how love is perceived by people is a bonus. If the expectation is created by this false festival and the ways of satisfying that expectation are legion then we will readily embrace it and join is to allow us to further your seduction.

Christmas, your birthday, Valentine’s Day, Easter, summer holidays and other besides are all excellent opportunities for us to deliver in accordance with a pre-conceived idea so that you fall for it. You expect certain things to happen on these days and Valentine’s Day especially. Thus, if you are in the seduction then who are we to disappoint and we will turn it all up to eleven in order to ensure that your expectations are met and even exceeded so that your intoxication with us continues apace.

It is a false day for false emotions and suits us down to the ground. You have been conditioned as to what you expect and when you are being seduced you will get it and then some and we have hit the ball from the park. Plenty of glorious positive fuel and your further embedding into our illusory world. We thank you Gods of Saccharine Verse and Chocolate Hearts, the Goddesses of Red Roses and Shiny Trinkets for blinding your disciples so we can deliver them your piece of heaven and in so doing advance our own agendas.

As you would expect, this day of expectations is one where we will deliver when it is your seduction and one where will fail to deliver when it is your devaluation. You may not expect the grand gestures which once came in those halcyon days of first seduction, but you do at least expect some recognition, if only to provide you with some respite from this slow and lingering death march you are experiencing as we devalue you. You still expect some sign on this day that we love you.

Valentine’s Day acts as a huge prompt which you expect us to pay heed to and at the very least there ought to be a card and flowers. Perhaps a pleasant gift to make up for the horrible behaviours we have been exhibiting towards you, something to cling to, to make peace? An evening out at a favourite restaurant or a hot bath with candles and dinner in the oven when you return from another day of toiling for The Man? You tell yourself not to get your hopes up but you will always do so. Just something, anything to give you a sign that all is not lost and that there is some love that remains even if it is just to take the pain away for just one day.

You may just hit pay dirt and find a Respite Period so that your hopes and dreams are indeed tapped into and allowed to flare in joyous elation as we come good and we greet you with smile and waiting glass of champagne. You border on tears of anxious relief as we meet you from work holding a clothes’ carrier and motion for you to return into the office to get changed as we are going straight to your favourite French restaurant. You might just be granted this and your positive fuel of relief, delight and gratitude is lapped up in contrast to the negativity that has prevailed previously.

More likely is the continuation of the devaluation as you awake to find us already gone to work and no card or gift waiting. No flowers arrive at home or the workplace (although we will have sent flowers to somebody as we work on that prospective primary source). You make the effort for us, but we call and explain there is a crisis at work and we will be late, if we bother to call you at all. You will be stood up, left waiting, given something totally inappropriate, lambasted for expecting something or making a fuss on “a complete con of a day which is only there to line the pockets of card markers, chocolatiers, restaurants and florists”. You can expect to be told

“I didn’t think we needed to bother as we have been together for years.”

“Valentine’s Day? It is for kids.”

“I do not have to be told when I can express how I feel.”

“Jesus, why are you wanting to waste money on that tat?”

“I would rather watch the sport and have an early night than sit an over-priced bistro with people who obviously hate one another.”

You have expectations of love, pleasure and romance. You can instead expect disappointment, dismay and dejection.

Whatever happens today we achieve victory – positive fuel from those we seduce and negative fuel from those that we disappoint. Whether it is meeting expectations or whether it is dashing them, today can only ever be about a winning outcome for us. Hence it is our Victory Day.

What was your worst Valentine´s Day experience because of the narcissist? What happened? Was it completely overlooked? Did you receive inappropriate gifts? Did the narcissist provoke a huge argument? Did the narcissist or spend his or her time meddling with this or her phone?

Vent your spleen and share the worst Valentine´s Day you have experienced in the comments.

49 thoughts on “V- Day

  1. Nicole says:

    I’m actually getting yelled at because I questioned why I hadn’t heard from him in 5 hours while he’s at work, usually he gets back to me quick. He had an affair with a coworker in the past, possible few to be honest, only have proof of the 1 that went on 1.5 years. We have 3 kids, love bombed me and I let him come back him…I’m a SUCKER.

    Yesterday he was nice, on valentine’s day, he sent flowers, bought me chocolate, bought me a cake. He also communicated throughout the busy valentine’s day dinner service. He is a chef, yesterday was way busier than today so I’m confused by the lack of communication. Obviously my mind goes straight to the fact i think he’s cheating.

    So, to my dismay, he didn’t reply today when I texted him, and yesterday, he was texting me all night. That was what led me to question what he was really doing.

    Then he yells at me and says I ruin dinner service because of my nonsense. I’ve had enough, 22 years is far too long, I’m too old for this. I’m 39, he’s 40, shouldn’t he have grown up a bit?

  2. Natasha says:

    Written February 14, 2014

    I woke up this morning with my beautiful little boys and they were so excited for Valentine’s day.

    I had a nice day at home getting work done. I was looking forward to an evening with the boys and especially S.

    When he got home I hardly got a “hi”, but he wanted me to try a chiropractic adjustment on his back according to a video he found on YouTube I reluctantly agreed but was very nervous about hurting him more. I was more nervous about what would happen if I said no and the pressure I would get. I tried and he got mad because I wasn’t doing it right – and so I said that if I wasn’t doing it right it would be best for him to go to the dr. He pressured some more and I went into the other room to get some space.

    We had to go to take the kids to swimming. He left the house before me and shut the front door in my face. We got to the car and he said sarcastically, “ok I will drive”. I told him I was happy to drive anytime he wanted me to and got in the drivers seat. We picked up the boys. He critiqued my driving.

    We took the boys to eat over at our neighbours’ place with their kids. S made several snide comments about me. Neighbour took me aside and asked if he was ok.

    We got home and I put the boys to bed, but asked S to put a pizza together. He stopped and went and sat in the living room as soon as I came downstairs leaving the dinner completion to me on my own. Then he disappeared to the basement for about 30 min.

    I couldn’t stop crying while putting the kids to bed. I gave S his present. He explained he didn’t get me anything. I tried to explain that I was upset that he was pressuring me to adjust his back amongst other things and he got very frustrated and even rough with me. He yelled at me for ruining our son’s life for considering French immersion. I asked him to leave. He drove drunk to his mom’s house. Before he left he called me a stupid selfish bitch and told me to fuck off.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      And 14 Feb 2020?

    2. theletterafterj says:

      He was/is an awful man. You deserved much better than that.

  3. Witch says:

    “In seduction, the rapist often bothers to buy a bottle of wine.” -Andrea Dworkin

    I spent Valentine’s Day at the gym

    1. NarcAngel says:

      VD at the gym is good. Extra workout dodging the somatics.

      1. WhoCares says:


      2. Witch says:


  4. Claire says:

    I am laughing right now at the post V-Day photo that I saved on my phone courtesy to Hemsley zoo in UK.
    Maybe you have heard about their offer to name a cockroach after an ex. If not – you pay £1.50 as a donation and the name of your ex will appear in their roach board . The list is quite long , so many names on the board😂😂, they have posted a photo.
    After careful considerations I decided that my Narc 1 and Narc 2 not worth the money but I named another ex instead.

    I never liked the idea of celebrating V -Day , even during the golden periods with my ex . Although I am a hopeless romantic ( read baking heart shaped cookies and cakes , writing sweet notes and so on ) V-Day is not appealing to me not only because of the commercialisation. Simply in my homeland this day is known as the day of the winemakers and we celebrate with wine of course the Orthodox saint who is the winemaker’ guardian.
    Last year there was a Broken hearts club at my workplace so I enlightened them about the Orthodox version on 14 Feb and accordingly, there was a humble celebration after work 🙂.

    I posted yesterday that the Narc loved the day and I always wondered why and why he would bring a gift even during the devaluations .

    This stunning article gave me the answers. A perfect and brilliant summary of a false demonstration of love and romance.
    I also hate Mother’s and Father’s Days . For those people coming from dysfunctional families or raised by a single parent those celebrations are cruel and painful reminders .

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Great point about Mother’s and Father’s day. Try finding a card that has the message an ACON wants to convey.

      1. theletterafterj says:

        Hahahahaha…so true!

      2. MB says:

        NA, I think you would be excellent at writing passages for greeting cards! You have a witty way of saying exactly what needs to be said.

      3. Violetta says:


        Dad, you’re a demon
        Mom, you’re a witch
        So Happy Halloween
        You Bastard and Bitch

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Sure. I think there’s a market for at least subtle ones.

          It’s your birthday and here we all sit
          Pretending to care one little bit
          That on a warm summer morn
          A Lesser was born
          When your mother cranked out a big shit.

          We’ll have to search harder for someone to take the hardcore line of course.

          1. K says:

            I think you and Violetta are onto something! An ACoN card line from Hallmark would be a riot. Of course it would be Challenge Fuel or possibly wounding if sent to a LLN.

          2. Violetta says:

            Here’s a sonnet stanza for the boss I stopped from throwing water on an electrical fire:

            You greeted my ideas with a snort
            I know you always thought I was a jerk
            But when I stopped your death by power short
            I really should have just let Darwin work

          3. Claire says:

            I love your poetry, NA and Violetta😂👍🏻!

          4. Violetta says:


            This site inspires so much creativity.

  5. Em says:

    Oh how I want to stalk. But no contact no hoover is good. Posting here AGAIN instead.

    1. Mercy says:

      Em you’re doing great. Keep it up. It’ll pass.

      1. Em says:

        So it’s like I have a sixth sense. After 3.5 weeks I get an email from him via a new address asking for contact – as he would value it. Nothing to do with me.

  6. ANM says:

    Valentines day is the grand final act of the holiday season. I remember being devalued around valentines day after spending almost every day with the narc from thanksgiving to valentines day. Now that we have a child together, I can sense that he is doing the same to other women as well. March-June, he then likes his alone time to work out, work on his career, find new fuel sources, etc. February for a Somatic is a time for acting out.

    1. Hope says:

      😥 so sad! Glad you worked it out!

  7. angelangie35 says:

    “To realize that I had it all, that she really liked me, that is the worse feeling of all. Death is far better than seeing how far I’ve come to fall, now it’s the devil I have to pay, and the pieces of my heart, the due the devil demands to take. ” Any interpretations and/or insight why these words were written by the N.

    1. Hope says:

      angelangie35 says:
      February 15, 2020 at 07:06
      “To realize that I had it all, that she really liked me, that is the worse feeling of all. Death is far better than seeing how far I’ve come to fall, now it’s the devil I have to pay, and the pieces of my heart, the due the devil demands to take. ” Any interpretations and/or insight why these words were written by the N.


      Sounds like a pity play and grandiosity/fantastical thinking, and also recycled work acquired and copy/paste altered to try to mirror your emotional depth/desire for intimacy.

      It’s a benign manipulation to ensure you stay emotionally attached ready to spurt emotion at the ready upon the slightest provocation and remain at his/her mercy under control.

      My guess. 🤷🏻‍♀️

      1. angelangie35 says:

        Thank you Hope, he wrote those words in the basement without realizing I frequented the basement and saw some choice phrases he decided to write on a white plastic board and struck me as odd. Thanks for you’re interpretation.

  8. angelangie35 says:

    Thank heavens, never had to experience this, so all things considering, however unfortunate, Scott free and healed until true love wants to manifest, time will see it through..

  9. ANM says:

    Congratulations, HG.

  10. Leslie says:

    I kicked my narc of 6 years out the end of August 2019. He met and moved in with his new supply 2 months later after knowing each other a week. They got married today. So it’s a gift…..a true gift….but it hurts too.

    1. Intrepid Traveller says:

      I had similar Leslie, it was a relief – he was gone – but hard. Luckily i had been here a while so understood what had happened and why etc. Watch out for your ET, stay logical.

      1. Intrepid Traveller says:

        One ex came to see me especially on Valentine’s Day to tell me he was no longer going to pay his share of the mortgage. I never thought of him as a narc until you said something to me HG. Now it pieces together and makes more sense. The most recent narc decided to shag someone else on valentines. I didnt know until much later. I actually think it was like a positive hoover for the recipient whilst he got thought fuel from doing me over. I’m not a valentine type of person, but the one treat i gave him one valentine he used each and every other valentine to triangulate with me by saying ‘ i bet you wont ever do that for me again’. Correct.

  11. Em says:

    I’ve heard all the excuses HG describes here from my ex husband lesser over 30 years including anniversaries. Didn’t start until we were married. I remember sobbing many a time.
    The UMRN (I was DLS) never gave me anything, always missed my birthday. At xmas he’d tell me not to call as he was going away and would be out of range. Was going with IPPS I found later.

  12. Bibi says:

    I wrote a long comment and then I think it was lost. GRRRR!!

    Long story short: this was a Lesser Mid Ranger. Silent sulks, crying, pity plays.

  13. Nymphedora says:

    I have always found this day to be as H.G descibes it. A materialistic manifestation of love. Even in the years with the x narc I loathed it. So I’ve never really had a bad one as such.
    Had a good one a couple og years ago with my current husband. We were in a gardening center for sine reason and passede by a bucket with cheaps read roses. Hed grabede one in passing and said smiling “that was some cheap husband points right there.” I replied laughing “and on valentines day to, you are becoming conform my love……….please stop it right now.”

  14. Sweetest Perfection says:

    My narc was all about “sharing the love” on Facebook and future faking while staying home and doing nothing special with his wife because, you know, he had to jerk off online later at night. My husband, on the other hand, FINALLY got the hint and is picking a sapphire ring I’ve been wanting for a while for me. I don’t feel guilty for wanting a beautiful ring. If Beyonce and JLo can ask, so do I because I’m a diva too. And then we’ll go out to my favorite Art Deco bar to have a cocktail and later on dinner, where I hope I don’t run into my mirroring narc who all of a sudden decided that was ALSO his favorite place. Upper Loser … anyway who cares about a narc when you have real love and real plans?

  15. NarcAngel says:

    Happy retail exploitation day!

    This morning while in my robe with my hair all over the place and frowning as I waited for coffee, my husband came up and stroked my cheek. Then he said with a dead serious face: I make sure to touch you gently so the petals don’t fall off.

    We stared at each other for a second. Then we laughed and laughed! There may have been snot bubbles.

    Romance does not live here.

    1. Violetta says:

      Chocolate half-price tomorrow. Pretty romantic to me!

    2. Sweetest Perfection says:

      I hate to say this to you because I know you hate it, but that’s so fluffy, cuddling, loving and cute, NA!!!

    3. Bibi says:


      That’s a good line. I am going to steal it. But also noting that Romance, as in capital R can involve death and the macabre. So cutting off your ear? Romantic! Sad writer dying drunk in a gutter? Romantic!

      I like sad stories, which can offer a sort of Romance. Just not the Hallmark Card puke kind.

      When I was 18-20ish I fantasized about the Ethan Hawke character in Before Sunrise. The narc schlub who showed up on V-Day was nothing like my fantasy. Perhaps that is why it was so easy to let him go.

      Also, longing in itself is Romantic. I kept wishing I could meet someone like in that movie. Which is nothing more than a Romantic fantasy. (Granted maybe he should have been hit by a train in the end to make it really work.)

  16. Gina says:

    First V Day alone in 23 yrs. Gifts are the perfect way for the narc to torture you and an excellent example of the push pull, nice mean, respite devalue states. My ex went way out of his way in the beginning, doing things like getting the correct item for a particular anniversary (wood, leather….whatever). Once he even drove 1800 miles in order to place a rose in the front of my parking space for when I arrived home. Then as the devaluation began it would be an afterthought, then comments such as those above about things being too expensive. We get to where we are grateful for the crumbs. A card from the dollar store is too expensive? No. You are just not worth a dollar…that is the message. The ex mid ranger would never say such a thing tho. Nothing for my 40th, 50th birthdays and nothing for my 20th anniversary. It would be great to be in a healthy relationship, but I can honestly say that being alone is way better than being with that Narchole.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      I agree. Spending it with someone you love (yourself) is always better than being with anyone that has a title ending with “hole” and being demeaned through intent or neglect. Enjoy something you like today.

  17. Bibi says:

    When I was in university, my narcy bf showed up unexpected–flew across the country, to see me. I had no idea he was coming and so I had no way to prepare.

    So when he arrived, I was somewhat glad to see him but I was not jumping up and down as he expected (I don’t like surprises but I was ok with it). Basically, ‘I wish you would have told me but glad you’re here.’

    In reality, this was not convenient as I had to switch my schedule and study routine, etc. But I was willing to work with it.

    He did not like my reaction. He also chided me on the fact that I had not shaved my legs (well, I did not know you were coming) and also he hated that I was listening to The Indigo Girls in the background (this is what fat ugly lesbians listen to).

    He was pissing me off, and so I reached in my coat pocket and pulled out a cigarette and lit it up in front of him. (He was very anti-smoking.) I was doing this to be an asshole in response. ‘Take me to the airport! I refuse to date someone who smokes!’ He said.

    ‘Drive yourself,’ I responded. I passed him a phonebook. Call a cab. So he had a little fit and sulked. Why? All because I 1) Didn’t react AS surpised/pleased getting on my knees to suck him off at that moment–how dare I.
    2) Non leg shaving and 3) Lesbian ‘Hippy’ music Indigo Girls.

    This is the ex who called me pb–the chemical symbol for lead. He’s also the one who was mad I would never swallow and then he would say how his ex gf always did and that if I refused to do it then ‘she would always have something over me.’

    I really pick winners, huh?

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Haha. The only thing his ex gf would have over you is a bad taste in her mouth and regret. Glad you saw the end of him.

      1. Bibi says:

        NA: Yup, you are right! I pity his wife!

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          Bibi, if he doesn’t love your hairy legs, it’s not pure love!

      2. Violetta says:


        Which end?

    2. Renarde says:


      You are Au. Never forget it

      1. Bibi says:

        Aw, you all are so sweet. Thank you Renarde. And SP–I was fairly fuzzy at that time. You might not be able to tell my legs from HG’s!

        Just kidding. I actually don’t get that bad. He just had an obsession with body hair.

        1. Renarde says:


          Giving you a massive hug. You are gold and very funny to boot. An asset to any partner. I’m angry on your behalf that you’ve been treated like shit. I truly am.

          By now, you must know that narcs operate in ways to control.

          HG has a book I think. It’s his book of women. This is a very strange thing. My recent ex also has the same kind of book. We talked about it. Stunning it was, the similarities between HG and him.

          The difference between HG and him is that he would spuot it and HG is remaining anonymous.

          Quite right. Only an absolute fool would conflate their RLI with their online persona. That’s why HG is smart and my ex isnt. He should never have disclosed that.

          So to your hair. You do know why this was said, right?

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