Surely, That’s The End Yes?


“I have not heard from him in a month, he has moved on hasn’t he?”

“I exposed what she is like to all of her family, she won’t be contacting me again that’s for sure.”

“I told him I know what he is and he disappeared so I doubt I will hear from him again.”

“He is with somebody else already so I guess he won’t want me again will he?”

“I told him what I thought of him and he just backed off. He won’t hoover me will he?”

“He came crying back to me and I gave him short shrift. I doubt he will bother again.”


There are many different scenarios and outcomes involving our kind where the victim considers that our kind will not bother with them again post discard or post escape. The victim thinks that a period of total silence, the involvement of the narcissist with a new victim, the manner in which the relationship ended will all mean that the narcissist will not come sniffing around the victim ever again.

We will.

Why is this the case?

Firstly, you must understand our perspective. You belong to us. You are our appliance. You are our property. The Formal Relationship between us may have ended but the Narcissistic Relationship is forever. It only ends when either you or I cease to draw breath. It does not matter that we enter into a new Formal Relationship with somebody else. It does not matter if you do. It does not matter that world war three erupted when we parted company. It does not matter if there has been complete silence for two years. None of these factors alter the fact that in our minds the connection between you and I because of the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until one of us dies.

Secondly, the attraction of gathering fuel from you is substantial and this is the prime driver for never letting go. Fuel is so important to us that it drives everything about behaviour and the link between you and I is no exception to the all-pervasive power of fuel.

Thirdly, factors such as new partners, the effluxion of time and the manner in which the Formal Relationship has ended are immaterial.

I am repeatedly asked by people whether a hoover will happen. I always answer the same; the risk always remains, but you can manage that risk. People set out the circumstances of the end of the Formal Relationship to me and what has happened since (if anything) and ask whether a hoover will happen, or express their view that they do not think it will happen because of a, b or c. My answer again is the same; the risk of us returning always remains, but you can manage that risk.

It is never the end. There is always a risk, a chance, a probability (or a possibility) that we will return to you and apply a hoover. You cannot assume that it is over. No matter how much it may seem that it is over, no matter how much it may appear to you that we will not come back, that we apparently have no reason to do so, such assumptions are dangerous. There are only two factors which are material to the issue of whether you will be hoovered again.

The first factor is the Hoover Trigger. For a hoover to happen potentially, it must first be triggered. This means that you must come into our sights, that we sniff the prospective fuel that leaks from you, that something happens to cause you to come up on our radar. Whether this happens depends on whether you enter one of the six spheres of influence. I have written separately about them in The Spheres of Influence (And What You Can Do About Them) in another article. I will not repeat its content other than to state that

  1. You have control over whether you enter any of the first five spheres of influence; and
  2. You have no control over whether you enter the sixth sphere of influence.

By staying away from us through no contact you will not enter the first five spheres. The sixth sphere is when we happen to think of you. Thus, if you have successfully implemented no contact the only risk of a trigger being activated is if we happen to think of you. You cannot influence that. Our preoccupation with your replacement means we are far less likely to think of you and hoovers are triggered by you doing something to enter the first five spheres, such as messaging us or passing where we live.

If you maintain no contact the first five spheres will not be entered. It then just depends on whether we happen to think of you. This may not happen for weeks or months. You can therefore see that by staying out of the first five spheres you will vastly reduce the risk of a Hoover Trigger being activated but you cannot state that it will never happen as it is reliant on if we happen to think of you. That may just be a random occurrence or it might be because we see something that reminds us of you.

The second factor is only applicable if the Hoover Trigger has been activated. The second factor is concerns the Hoover Criteria. These criteria include such matters as: –

–         Whether you are a potent source of fuel;

–         Whether you can easily be located;

–         Whether you can easily be contacted;

–         Whether you have your defences maintained concerning us;

–         Whether you remain mired in the emotional sea;

–         What support networks you have in place;

–         How well fuelled we are;

–         The nature of the narcissist who you entangled with (Lesser, Mid-Range or Greater); and

–         Potential obstacles

All of these matters combine to determine whether it is worthwhile us expending our energy to act on the Hoover Trigger. If we are presented with a sitting target, flowing with fuel, caught in the emotional sea, isolated and exposed then the criteria point heavily to the fact that a hoover will now take place. If on the other hand it is very hard to contact you, we know you have stopped flowing with fuel when dealing with us, you have people who will stop us trying to reach you and so forth, you become a Flawed Reason to Extract Emotion (F.R.E.E.).

For a worked example of how this can happen if someone enters the first sphere of influence I recommend that you read the article Hoover Time! Sphere One.

Accordingly, if you can do everything possible to become a F.R.E.E. then even if Hoover Trigger is activated then the chances of us executing that hoover will be considerably reduced. By contrast, if you fail to attain becoming a F.R.E.E. then you run the risk of a hoover being executed.

You will note that in the hoover criteria above there is no mention of the gap between when we last contacted you and the current time. There is no mention of the circumstances in which we parted company as the Formal Relationship. There is no mention of you knowing what we are, whether you told us, whether you exposed our abuses to others. Those are not factors which concern us. The existence of a new partner is not relevant either in isolation, but is only a partial consideration in terms of whether that person might stop us. Of course even if they might do so and all the other factors point to the execution of a hoover, this one criterion has diminished relevance.

Accordingly, when you are asking yourself whether a hoover may happen. Remember this.

  1. You can never say never.
  2. There needs to be a Hoover Trigger. You can significantly influence whether there is one and reduce the risk but you cannot remove it.
  3. The Hoover Criteria need to be met. Again, you can significantly influence whether the criteria are met by becoming a F.R.E.E. and reduce the risk, but you cannot remove it.

The issue of whether you will experience a hoover is not completely in your hands, but is far more within your control than you might at first have thought.

It is never the end but you are not helpless.

8 thoughts on “Surely, That’s The End Yes?

  1. raquelirockwell says:

    Our 15-year marriage ended spectacularly. His affair partner that he abandoned my child and I for even showed up at court. I wasn’t there, my attorney told me. It was a long 2-year war-filled separation that my attorney handled for the most part. Stopping him from entering the home he left…even with his affair partner. He tried to take the house, our child and even the dog, but he lost on all fronts and was enraged every time we went to court. He has called me names and thrown this other woman in my face. Then a month after our divorce was finalized he sent a happy birthday text. By that time I had entered a few spheres since he decided at that point to start visitation with our child again after 11 months of nothing. We have a meeting place for pick-ups and drop offs, but he sees me as our child goes from my car to his. He makes excuses to reach out since the school emails about our child’s behavior and grades in schools. He’s asked about Christmas gifts for our child, how our child is doing when he has missed school due to illness. His hoovers are slick. No “I miss you’s,” but plenty Merry Christmas! and Happy New Year!! texts and a bunch of other nonsense. All from the from home where he lives with his new source. The home he moved into after leaving me and our child. It’s sickening. Our child is just a few years away from being a legal adult. I plan to totally disengage and disappear when that happens. I’ve known him for 23 years and used to believe that his exit and reentry into my life in the years before we got married meant that we were destined to be together. (Soulmates, right?!) Oh, how naive I was. But not anymore.

  2. Imalwaysblamed says:

    My husband and I will be attending a wedding in a few months that my LMR Somatic will likely also be attending. I understand this puts us somewhere between the first and second sphere, but with my husband being present, am I more likely to be hoovered at the event or after? Trying to be as prepared as possible…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There will be a Hoover Trigger. Whether you will be hoovered depends on whether the Hoover Execution Criteria are met. I need more information from you in order to answer that question and therefore you should use this
      I will then be able to give you an accurate answer.

  3. santaann1964 says:

    OMG how many times did I say to my spiritual advisor-is it safe to say it’s finally over. Her answer always is. It is always your choice!

  4. Kim e says:

    HG. Is the formal relationship important to the N or is it only for facade management? You talked before regarding ways the N will restart the formal going to dinner, long phone conversations or texts. Also you talked about how the N won’t want to restart the FR. I figure it has more importance other than facade management
    Thank you

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The Formal Relationship is more likely to cater to sustained provision of the Prime Aims.

      1. Kim e says:

        HG. I am sorry. I do not understand. Does that mean the E only gives fuel now and noting else?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No, the victim is ensnared to cater to the Prime Aims. The extent to which they do so varies. They will do so more extensively within the FR.

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