The Seven Truths About Narcissistic Friendships
- Our friends don’t really like you
The people that we choose to provide our inner and outer circle of friends have all been charmed by us and roped into our sphere of influence for the purpose of providing us with fuel, traits and residual benefits. They in return are granted repeated audiences with ourselves, they are able to gaze on the Sun King and benefit from their association with such a social titan. When you are admitted to my sphere of influence as an intimate partner these friends of mine only like you because they know that this is their role and they must do so in order to remain able to attend my court. Should I give the instruction they will turn their backs on you in an instant. Never believe that you can turn to them in a moment of need. You will head straight into a brick wall. Should you be admitted into my sphere of influence as another member of the inner or outer circle then these friends are your competitors. They are all seeking my favour, either to remain in the inner circle or to achieve promotion to it, such is the allure and attraction of being friends with me. These other friends will smile and welcome you, because that is what is expected of them but they are smiling assassins who will pounce and delight in plunging the dagger of isolation and ostracising into your back should I will that to happen. You are entering a viper’s nest.
- It is a one-way street
You will benefit from your association with me as a friend and you will enjoy my company, who would not when I am charming, magnetic and interesting but you are only allowed to occupy this positon so long as you are giving. You must provide me with the fuel to keep me topped-up through your praise and admiration. I expect you to be an errand boy for me, you will carry out my machinations on my behalf when I require you to manipulate someone by proxy, you will get me things, give me things and do things for me all because you want to stay in the elevated position of my friendship. It is also highly likely that I will possess some information about you or something you want which compels your compliance also. You are the giver and I am the taker. It is one way.
- Our friends do not know what we are
The blazing brightness of our brilliance is such that it obscures what we really are. Any complaints about our behaviour will be met with rejection and a confused response. They have always been treated well by us. We let them join us and we allow them to follow in our wake which has numerous benefits. They have no idea what we actually are for if they did they would no continue to be part of our retinue. They do not want to know any different however because they have been brainwashed into thinking that the status quo is to their advantage and therefore they see no reason to entertain anybody who seeks to usurp us.
- Your friends are all targets
I have no interest in making friends with your friends. They are beneath me but I will regard them as targets. There may well be your replacement amongst them and how satisfying would that be to corrupt one of your supporters to turn against you and sit at my right hand? I will charm and ensure that your friends think well of me as this will not only make my seduction of you as my primary source far easier, it will also provide me with fuel, traits and residual benefits as well. You friends are targets to be my new primary source, members of my coterie and even lieutenants so that I have a fifth columnist in your camp willing to act on my behalf when the inevitable devaluation begins.
- Our friendships are defined by the usefulness
As I have explained the concept of friendship for us all about what we can take from it and therefore so long as someone is providing us what we require, complying with our wishes and carrying out what we want then the friendship will endure. Should one of our friends see through us, turn against us or begin to fail in their assigned role it is of little consequence to us that we may have known them for ten years or more. It is of no concern that we go drinking with them every Friday, if they do not function as a constituent appliance then they will be switched off, excluded and replaced. We make friends easily and we keep them far easier than you might think. Very few leave us. We usually do the jettisoning.
- Our friends must never outshine us
We like our friends to be beautiful and handsome but not better looking than us. We like to have a beautiful crowd around us, it signals to the world that we are special. We want the interesting folk, the talented, the successful and so forth as we are able to steal traits from all of these people to accentuate our own success and popularity so we are better able to seduce more people into our sphere of influence. We want them to achieve, look good, be fascinating so long as none of them outshine us. We benefit from the reflected glory but it must not shine brighter than our star otherwise someone will have to be exited. There is only room for one king on this throne.
- We appear to like our friends but we like their fulfilment of The Prime Aims really
The members of our inner or outer circles often appear to be liked by us. This is purely the outer manifestation of our fuel-filled selves. What we really like is that our friends are satisfying The Prime Aims. The fact we say you are a good badminton partner, really means that you provide us with fuel and the residual benefit of having someone to undertake some sporting exercise with. The fact we declare we enjoy our morning lift-share with you, really means we enjoy the fuel you provide and that you are providing the residual benefit of enabling us to save money. Remain within our control, fulfil one or more of the prime aims and as a friend, a Non Intimate Secondary Source you will appear to be liked.
15 thoughts on “The Seven Truths About Narcissistic Friendships”
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DM headline:
“EXCLUSIVE: Meghan Markle is ‘absolutely mortified’ at being dragged into Jessica Mulroney’s mess and while she believes her friend is not a racist she was so tone-deaf Meghan can ‘no longer be associated with her'”
I refuse to ascribe my glee here to pure schadenfreude. I just had a sudden realization that all those MeanGirls from Jr. High to (much to my shock) grad school who have their friendships at you aren’t living Happily Ever After in their socially-adjusted paradise.
I saw them turn on each other in elementary school, to the surprise of our teacher, who muttered wistfully, “First you pick on Vi, now you pick on each other,” clearly wishing they’d go back to picking on me so she could tell the principal I was a troublemaker, whereas this made her look like the problem.
I saw it in grad school, where the Heathers, who had annoyed two instructors, an evangelical Christian who was considerably less pompous than they were, a guy majoring in history, and of course, me, turned on one of their members (who actually was named Heather) because they didn’t approve of her new boyfriend.
At a conference in Yorkshire, two grad students who were so cliquey even one of the department lesbians said, “My God, they act like they’re in sixth grade,” must have had a feud. When the sessions were mostly over and people were either starting for home or using the day for sightseeing, one of them came to me saying, “Would you like to go see Edinburgh Castle?”
“No thanks, I’m going to Haworth.”
Within 15 minutes, the other showed up “I’m going to Durham Cathedral, wanna come along?”
“No thanks, I’m going to Haworth.”
Some of these folks are still in touch, found tenure-track jobs, and, in some cases, husbands, but my idea that they’re living in a world of Normal and Well-Adjusted where geeks like me may not enter was completely off. As HG has repeatedly said, the new lovers of our exes aren’t going to get anything better than we got; the Golden Period may be longer, shorter, or non-existent, but the devaluation is inevitable. The same is true for narc friendships. The secondary school friend that Anna Wintour tortured got the same routine that Andre Leon Talley would get decades later. Jessica Mulroney gets markled because that’s what happens when Meghan decides you’re a liability, just as it was for previous husbands, childhood friends, and of course both her family and Harry’s.
Those who stay “friends” will continue one-upping each other for the rest of their lives. They will never trust nor be trusted.
Think I’ll stick with my theology geek, theatre freak, and reenactment antique friends.
In any case, I’ve referred DM readers here rather than the Royal Narcissist series (they may not post it; my last referral to Narcsite hasn’t made it past moderation). It’s a basic aspect of ALL narc relationships, and I’m only sorry it took me this long to grasp it. Meghan’s stans think anyone who criticizes her must be envious, but there is nothing to envy.
While married to my narcissist my brother was nice, kind, friendly and low key. Literally the day my brother found out that I was separated from my husband, he became aggressive, snarky, rude, below the belt comments, undermining me with our mother and my other siblings. At first I thought it was because my husband was no longer around to protect me, but now I don’t know what to think about such behavior. What? Two narcissists tag-teaming?
Hello MC, possibly two narcissists or more likely one narcissist (use the Narc Detector Consultation to obtain confirmation) combined with an individual in the narcissist´s coterie. See the Knowledge Vault and access The Truth About Flying Monkeys.
Spring cleaning special- Freshen up your life, purge the unnecessary narcs who will make your summer a roller coaster of bad times! clean up the toxic air. Place new artwork (HG bulletins) around the house and ring in the new.
Bravo.
Brilliant! Well explained!
Thank you
Forgot to say 10/10 on this blog…… brilliantly explained!!! Thank you HG
Thank you
1. Are the “inner circle of friends”/ “coterie”/ “flying monkies” ever devalued?????
2. When the “group of friends” turn against you, it’s subtle and only obvious to you….. whenever work narc decided to give out the silent treatment, the circle of friends would do the same… They were loyal, unaware of the manipulations… eager to please the narc!!!
3. Will a greater narc ever admit to playing the ‘games’ or admit they are manipulating people…
1. They are Non Intimate Secondary Sources. Can they be devalued? Yes. They will receive a Corrective Devaluation. Does it happen often? It depends on the school of narcissist. Greater and Mid Range, not often, Lesser, more likely.
2. See the article The Truth About Flying Monkeys which is in The Knowledge Vault, this will answer many of your questions.
3. Very rarely and only in certain circumstances as such an admission admits to a transference of power and more usually the victim is left to work it out for themselves that the games are always being played.
– Thanks for your responses.. I hope you’ll do a Q&A session soon on YouTube!!! They were good!!
– Like your new site….
Glad you enjoyed them and that you like the look of the revamped site. Thank you.
HG, This is such a good post, expanded it would make an excellent and valuable logic bulletin. Thanks to you, I have purged my N friends IRL because I see and know who they are now. I could provide so many examples over the years. Your addiction package provides great insight on why this occurs so regularly for empaths. If not for you, I am sure I would still be surrounded. Thank you very much for changing my course (present company excepted, but then you are our only safe N).
You’re welcome