How To CoParent With A Narcissist
Often viewed as one of the harshest outcomes from an ensnarement with a narcissist is the issue of children and co-parenting with the narcissist. A frequent question that is asked of me by many individuals who find themselves in this predicament, worn down and unsure of how to go about this in an effective manner for both themselves and also their child or children.
The most common reason given to failing to implement total no contact is the issue of shared parenting with a narcissist. The attempt to escape the nightmare of ensnarement is viewed as unachievable and increases the concern, fear and anxiety for the non-narcissist parent in feeling eternally chained.
Using HG Tudor’s established expertise with regard to the field of narcissists and narcissism, this Assistance Package addresses a wide range of matters in an easy-to-understand manner, with practical advice and tips which have been successfully used by individuals co-parenting with narcissists and all based on HG Tudor’s unrivalled understanding.
This Assistance package covers
Co-Parenting as part of your no contact regime
Tackling handover arrangements with regard to children
Reducing the risk of being hoovered because of co-parenting
Handling hoovers if they happen through the co-parenting regime
How to address communication with the narcissist with regard to co-parenting
What to do when the narcissist becomes problematic concerning arrangements
What to do where the narcissist involves a new partner with the children
What to expect in terms of the extent and regularity of the narcissist’s involvement in the co-parenting process
How to deal with joint decision-making, such as matters of education or health
How to handle occasions where joint appearances occur in relation to school or sporting events
Plus much more ground-breaking and supportive information.
To receive this information which costs US $ 125 for a comprehensive Assistance Package which you can access in your own time and at your own pace, simply use the PayPal button below to make payment and you will then receive a Common Sense Protocol which governs the Assistance Package and the Assistance Package itself.
Often viewed as one of the harshest outcomes from an ensnarement with a narcissist is the issue of children and co-parenting with the narcissist. A frequent question that is asked of me by many individuals who find themselves in this predicament, worn down and unsure of how to go about this in an effective manner for both themselves and also their child or children.
The most common reason given to failing to implement total no contact is the issue of shared parenting with a narcissist. The attempt to escape the nightmare of ensnarement is viewed as unachievable and increases the concern, fear and anxiety for the non-narcissist parent in feeling eternally chained.
Using HG Tudor’s established expertise with regard to the field of narcissists and narcissism, this Assistance Package addresses a wide range of matters in an easy-to-understand manner, with practical advice and tips which have been successfully used by individuals co-parenting with narcissists and all based on HG Tudor’s unrivalled understanding.
This Assistance package covers
Co-Parenting as part of your no contact regime
Tackling handover arrangements with regard to children
Reducing the risk of being hoovered because of co-parenting
Handling hoovers if they happen through the co-parenting regime
How to address communication with the narcissist with regard to co-parenting
What to do when the narcissist becomes problematic concerning arrangements
What to do where the narcissist involves a new partner with the children
What to expect in terms of the extent and regularity of the narcissist’s involvement in the co-parenting process
How to deal with joint decision-making, such as matters of education or health
How to handle occasions where joint appearances occur in relation to school or sporting events
Plus much more ground-breaking and supportive information.
To receive this information which costs US $ 125 for a comprehensive Assistance Package which you can access in your own time and at your own pace, simply use the PayPal button below to make payment and you will then receive a Common Sense Protocol which governs the Assistance Package and the Assistance Package itself.
Often viewed as one of the harshest outcomes from an ensnarement with a narcissist is the issue of children and co-parenting with the narcissist. A frequent question that is asked of me by many individuals who find themselves in this predicament, worn down and unsure of how to go about this in an effective manner for both themselves and also their child or children.
The most common reason given to failing to implement total no contact is the issue of shared parenting with a narcissist. The attempt to escape the nightmare of ensnarement is viewed as unachievable and increases the concern, fear and anxiety for the non-narcissist parent in feeling eternally chained.
Using HG Tudor’s established expertise with regard to the field of narcissists and narcissism, this Assistance Package addresses a wide range of matters in an easy-to-understand manner, with practical advice and tips which have been successfully used by individuals co-parenting with narcissists and all based on HG Tudor’s unrivalled understanding.
This Assistance package covers
Co-Parenting as part of your no contact regime
Tackling handover arrangements with regard to children
Reducing the risk of being hoovered because of co-parenting
Handling hoovers if they happen through the co-parenting regime
How to address communication with the narcissist with regard to co-parenting
What to do when the narcissist becomes problematic concerning arrangements
What to do where the narcissist involves a new partner with the children
What to expect in terms of the extent and regularity of the narcissist’s involvement in the co-parenting process
How to deal with joint decision-making, such as matters of education or health
How to handle occasions where joint appearances occur in relation to school or sporting events
Plus much more ground-breaking and supportive information.
To receive this information which costs US $ 125 for a comprehensive Assistance Package which you can access in your own time and at your own pace, simply use the PayPal button below to make payment and you will then receive a Common Sense Protocol which governs the Assistance Package and the Assistance Package itself.
41 thoughts on “How To CoParent With A Narcissist”
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Great to read about the scapegoat child / the golden child and the distinctive differences in how they are treated. In my case, I being the elder and the ‘roles’ never really changed, even into adulthood. As HG says, if the actions and words don’t ‘match’, over a sustained period of time, can indicate that it is a narcissist. Parental narcissist saying to me that I was “favourite” but the actions never implied that, it was just the usual assertion of control – not that she actually said it often in any case! I was always painted ‘black’ simply because I was a challenge to her threat to control, because of either: a) I could not quite understand the ‘situation’, or b) I knew I was not lying when parental narcissist was accusing me of such. Hence, my ‘conditioning’ actually led me to be honest ie telling the truth, and, partly because of my neurological wiring. Good to read this thread, HG, thank you for reposting it 🙂
Yes it is the harshest outcome. I know a lot about this outcome in many different forms . Thank you HG for warning people about the realities of this world.
You are welcome.
Thank you for this article. With two narcissistic parents my brother and I were the black sheeps. I now realize there was nothing I could do to be treated as a normal human being. Black will always remain black in the narcissic point of view I understand.
A neigbour once said to my father: “but your other daughter (me) is such a nice person” because he kept on talking about how great his white daughter was and how “difficult” the other children were. Black will always be black…..
You are welcome.
Dear HG,
Is it possible that a narcissist has two children, born 10 years apart, and neither child is the role of Black Sheep? Or is that unlikely?
Thank you.
Yes.
Thank you. Which of your books would you most recommend, to a woman who is concerned/suspects that her adult son is in a relationship with a narcissist? I’d like to gift her something that might help
Red Flag and Black Flag.
HG—do you have ideas for diminishing the impact on triangulation with regard to co-parenting? I recall little of the subject in prior material unless I was just too stunned to comprehend. I see this happening in a subtle manner and I’m not sure how to develop the recognition of flexing my best movement forward to address.
If you mean the impact of triangulation on you, this is addressed in the Assistance Package, Lorelei, by detailing a range of measures that can be adopted to prevent triangulation in the first instance. By doing this, you will remove the Narcissist´s Pitchfork to a greater degree and the problems associated with that, meaning that if some form of triangulation does get through your defences thereafter, its impact will be much less owing to reduced emotional thinking, increased logic, increased coping resources (they have had a chance to recuperate as they have not had to be called on as much).
I’m not sure how to decrease the emotional thinking though except to know that these jabs to place his bobble headed bimbo as “the new mom” figure doesn’t bother me because logically my daughters won’t like being bought Maybelline. By viewing her attempts as nonsense. It’s annoying that this disaster of a bar whore thinks she has any promotability to be a parent figure. I get that there is humor (almost) in this. Perhaps her upcoming assault and trespassing legal woes will divert her attention. I can’t wait for him to take her to school functions in her knee high faux suede boots. I’m working on my narcissism here to make me be more logical. I have the co-parent package yes.
HG I guess we need the narc detector first? To know which school and so how to deal?
Indeed.
I just stopped doing anything for him this month . If I try to help I will get treated bad if don’t the same . So I finally choose to ignore his existence Peace off mind ! ..
I am 💔
It’s all to much
I am in dispare
No, you are in the right place to stop your heart bleeding.
HG, how would you explain the scenario in which there are two children. The black sheep does everything to please the narc parent, including outright rejecting the non-narc parent (refusing to visit etc). The golden child openly cares for and chooses to spend time with the non-narc parent, partaking in activities that specifically annoy the narc parent. Still, the golden child is praised in every which way, while the black sheep is an afterthought.
Why does this happen? Black sheep seems to do everything the narc wants, yet is treated as second class, while the golden child defies the wishes of the narc and is treated to the permanent pedestal. Shouldn’t it be the reverse, with the black sheep being the loyal and obedient child?
No.
The Black Sheep is painted black and therefore everything they do is seen through the black lens.
The Golden child is painted white and therefore everything they do is seen through the white lens.
The blackened status of the Black Sheep is keeping the Golden Child golden.
Is there some “normal” logic to that? Why would the golden child be golden if they seem to happily defy the narc parent’s desires? Is this because GC presents a challenge to the narc, and the narc continues to try and love bomb them into submission? Or is it facade management in front of GC, because GC (by way of lack of compliance) has not been brought under control?
I have already answered that Joanne, in my last comment.
To repeat, The Scapegoat attains this status and is painted black. This status is very, very difficult and despite apparent compliance with the desires of the parental narcissist, it is never enough. They are painted black. Thus all they do is viewed through the lens of black. Their blackness supports the white status of the golden child, who even though they may defy the narcissist, still retains white status (and thus remains golden child) because of the position of the scapegoat. It is triangulation and control is maintained through the rigid status of those in the triangle. It may change, but in the Scapegoat situation this would take a seismic shift.
HG
I think many of us must wonder how it is decided who is the golden child and who is the scapegoat. Is it simply that the golden child is deemed to be the one who can best provide the Prime Aims as they are deemed an extension of the narcissist?, or are there other factors involved? I need to revisit the Scapegoat article.
Hello NA,
It is difficult for me to be specific with regard to Joanne´s situation as I do not have all of the detail. With regard to a familial scapegoating, it can arise like this.
1. The IPPS is devalued. The first born child is used to triangulate with the IPPS. The child is willing, not knowing any better and thus becomes the extension and tool of the narcissist. Their compliance is cemented and they do not challenge this. They become the Golden Child. There may not be any more children and the child remains golden (although that does not equate to immunity from malign manipulations but it is the IPPS who bears the brunt of those.)
2. A second child is born. They are doomed. Why? The Golden Child is in place and the second child is unable to equal this because it is impossible owing to the narcissistic perspective. They are immediately viewed as inferior. The IPPS steps in to protect (try to protect) the second child which only makes matters worse (the scorn for the IPPS is transferred to the now disloyal and partisan (“You have taken daddy’s side therefore you are against me”) and thus the second child becomes The Scapegoat.
3. These roles are assigned during childhood, become cemented because the children are with the narcissist for at least 18 years. One is near permanent white, the other near permanent black and thus even if the Golden Child is defiant, this is indulged with because of their status. Meanwhile the Scapegoat second child, always trying to please never can, why, because of this painted black status. It is the fact that these roles are assigned during childhood and become more or less fixed that the situation rarely changes. It needs something seismic. For instance, death of one of the children.
HG
Re: The Scapegoat
Wow. I hadn’t even thought in terms of triangulating the first born with the IPPS and was viewing the labeling of the children by the narcissist as a completely unrelated issue based on something more specific about each child. It makes so much more sense now, and it is testament to the fact that you can be here a long time reading and still be learning something new. Your skill as an educator and the time you dedicate as often as you can to ensure that we understand fully is why you are unrivalled in your field. You are valued and appreciated. Thank you.
You are welcome NA and it is gratifying to see established readers such as yourself continuing to learn. There is plenty more to come too.
Thank you for the deeper explanation. I need to stop trying to make “sense” out of things that will never be sensible in my world.
They key is to understand it through the material here and recognise that it will not make sense to you, not because you are stupid, but because you have a different worldview. Your worldview will fight against ours, driven by your ET.
Getting there, HG. For the most part I have wrapped my head around the narc’s alternative worldview and can accept that regular logic will not apply. I’ve spent more time examining the romantic versus the parent/children dynamic so I needed the clarity. Thank you.
Keep going, well done.
So helpful to understand HG. Really well explained in each of your comments.
Gosh I know of one poor child black sheep one of four to a NISS total twathead. I didn’t even know he had a fourth child because he posts all over his sm (I haven’t used an for many years now) photos of three of his four children. The other he has described as being very overweight and therefore and he has expressed to some that he is embarrassed of them. The child is 16 and the eldest. It’s prompted another question. God I feel sick in even thinking/asking and I kind of have an incling as to the answer, but would an N parent purposely overfeed their least favourite child?
I do sometimes wish i could kidnap them all and bring them home to give them lots of love.
Thank you.
HG, reading this comment, especially after my EDC, gave me immediate understanding to part of my ‘formation’ and why I turned out the way I am. I also realise why I cannot even begin to talk about it with sister / aunt because there is no point as they will not understand it from my perspective. Your comment was a trigger and despite my knowing, it still hurt. No amount of learning your work stops the hurt from coming to the fore, yet, it is how I ‘manage’ it. The main thing is my understanding of it all. Thank you for the existence of your work, it is still liberating to know & understand the past, as you say ‘to control is to cope’ (control the emotions / thoughts) xx
This made me feel really sad for you Joanne. Whatever the exact situation you or another are in. It rings home. But once you learn to spend time with the people you actually want to spend time with (because they are nice and non-N) instead of trying to please people who can never be pleased, you will be free. Freedom is the best thing ever!
Thank you, AS2016. This is not my scenario, although I could apply it to my own siblings in a way, in terms of what I witnessed with my N stepfather. The black sheep (my half sibling) is a narcissist. It’s very sad now that I am able to look at it through an educated perspective 🙁
I was asking HG the question because I am still trying to piece together the puzzle of “my” narc’s family dynamic. (I frequently break NC to look at his public social media). It makes me sad to see how one of his children, whom I know works so hard to please him (including rejecting his mother), can never do anything right. While the other appears to be best buddies with the mother, and remains the Golden Child to the narc.
It’s really hard when you watch others going through this Joanne, really hard. Sadly it goes on in all too many homes and in most cases it wouldn’t meet the threshold for further investigation. Hard as it is, I would be asking you how going on his SM is helping either you or the child? Believe me I have been there on many, many occasions and when I can help in some way, I do, whether that is as simple as taking them out for the afternoon to get some relief and special attention or if an adult chatting with them about how it makes them feel.
I always ask myself, is there anything I can do to change/alleviate the situation? and sadly, very often the answer is no
No, there is nothing I can do to help. Apart from a brief meeting, those children do not know me. And there is no good that can come out of looking at his SM either 🙁
It’s so sad Joanne, it really is. I completely understand what you’re going through and it toook me a lot of time and practice to realise that in these circumstances it’s best to just look after myself. It’s not burying your head in the sand it’s recognising there is nothing you can do. The poor child is going to be the black sheep whether you look at his sm or not. Therefore why engage in only causing yourself pain?
Great pic lol