The Dirty Empath – Infidelity
The Empath. Regarded as a paragon of virtue with those traits of honesty, decency, compassion, love devotee, moral compass and so on. All of which make the empath and their fuel output tempting prey for us. Yet within these virtuous empathic traits sit other traits, narcissistic traits.
There are four schools of empath (Standard, Super, Co-Dependent and Contagion) . Layered on to these schools are the empathic cadres (such as Magnet, Carrier and Geyser).
Each empath within the relevant school has both empathic and narcissistic traits. Some will have a small number of strong empathic traits with few narcissistic traits which are low in strength. Some will have many empathic traits which are moderate in strength and have few or numerous narcissistic traits which are all very low in strength. Some will have many empathic traits which are strong and numerous narcissistic traits which are moderate or even quite strong. The key consideration is that, in effect, the empathic traits keep the narcissistic ones ‘in check’ and thus the empathic individuals behave in a way which is empathic with other people.
There are however two main instances when the narcissistic traits come to the fore. The first is through The Empathic Supernova which is when the empathic traits become ‘dialled down’ or eroded for a temporary time and thus the narcissistic traits come to the fore. The second instance is a permanent state of affairs and this is the class of the Dirty Empath. The individual is empathic, of that there is no doubt, they have those empathic traits, they also have narcissistic traits too, however one of those narcissistic traits remains strong and prominent throughout and sits alongside the fewer, weaker narcissistic traits and the various empathic traits of varying strength. This does not mean this person is a narcissist, not at all. It does not mean that this person is not an empath. What it means is that they are an empath but there is one (sometimes there might be more) narcissistic trait which ‘dirties’ their empathic status. Think of the empath coloured white with a black streak running through them.
This class of Dirty Empath has various streaks which appertain to the relevant narcissistic trait which prevails and this includes the streak of infidelity.
Thus where the empath is already in a romantic relationship, whether living together,boyfriend and girlfriend or married and they embark on a romantic, sexual relationship outside of that relationship, their narcissistic trait of infidelity has risen to the surface and remained there. What has caused that to happen? As ever, it is a symbiotic equation.
From the empath’s side there is something not right within their existing relationship which means that the narcissistic trait comes to the fore.
For instance, let us take the example whereby the spouse of the empath is either an empath or a normal and has become impotent and/or has no interest in sex any more. All else is well within the relationship – they care for the empath, they pull their weight around the home, they are a good parent, they have a decent job and so on. All is largely well, save for the issue of sexual relations. In such a situation, the empathic spouse has the following choices:-
- Recognise that all else is well within the relationship, that sex is but one facet (albeit an important one) and accept that it is better to have all of the other good elements of the relationship and therefore not seek to damage the relationship or hurt their spouse by seeking sexual interaction outside of the marriage. This is the response of an empath who has no dirty streak of the narcissistic trait of infidelity;
- As above save that the empath regards sex as so significant that they need it yet they do not want to hurt their spouse. Accordingly, they seek their spouse’s blessing to seek sex outside of the marriage but otherwise want nothing more external to the relationship. This is the response of an empath who has the narcissistic trait of infidelity but it is not so strong as to amount to a dirty streak;
- As per point one, save that the empath craves sexual interaction and knows it can only be achieved outside of the relationship. They therefore seek out sexual encounters with other people but have no desire to leave the existing relationship. This individual’s narcissistic dirty streak has risen to the fore and governed the behaviour of this particular empath.
With regard to this third element it remains relatively rare that the empath will do this unilaterally because their traits of guilt, honesty, decency and compassion will fight against the desire to accommodate the narcissistic desire of infidelity. If the narcissistic trait is very strong, the empath may still seek out these encounters and have them with normal people, an empath in a similar position to their own or find a narcissist.
What happens more often than not in this third situation is that the empath spouse has been targeted by our kind.
An empath with no narcissistic streak of infidelity (or a very low one) will resist the sexual overtures of the narcissist. They may remain as a Non Intimate Secondary Source to the narcissist. It is highly unlikely they would be targeted to begin with in any event by the narcissist.
An empath with a narcissistic streak of infidelity, which is greater than very low, will succumb to the overtures of the narcissist and find themselves engaged in an affair, breaking their wedding vows, breaching the trust of their partner and becoming sucked in to the world of the narcissist. If the narcissistic streak of infidelity is very strong, the empath may even have sought out (unconsciously) the narcissist.
Combine the narcissistic streak of infidelity in the Dirty Empath and a narcissist and infidelity is a given. How this pans out very much depends on the desires and wants of the narcissist. Please see the latter part of The Married Target as to how we are drawn to those who are married and are thus susceptible to our overtures. We may want the empath to become our IPPS and thus they are designated the role of Candidate IPSS as we love bomb them and lure them away from their spouse using our range of manipulations in the way that is described in ‘The Married Target’. It may be the case that both Dirty Empath and narcissist are content with an arrangement whereby the Dirty Empath is a Shelf IPSS and sees the narcissist intermittently and is treated as a friend with benefits, side person or mistress. Both parties are content with this. The narcissist gains in accordance with The Prime Aims and the Dirty Empath scratches that itch for sex outside of the marriage (coupled with the excitement that accords with it) but keeps their own relationship intact.
Sometimes the Dirty Empath becomes the Dirty Little Secret and is content with that arrangement also.
Note however that whether the Dirty Empath is a Candidate IPSS, Shelf IPSS or Dirty Little Secret, this is always at the behest and control of the narcissist. The Dirty Empath may willingly embrace the dynamic (unaware of course that they are with a narcissist and what their role is) as it fulfils the desires of the narcissistic trait of infidelity.
The issue arises however when the Dirty Empath wants to remain in the role of Shelf IPSS or DLS but the narcissist wants the empath to become the IPPS. Battle is joined to pull the Dirty Empath in the direction the narcissist requires with all of the drama, triangulation and heartache that follows. The problem for the Dirty Empath is that having allowed themselves to be governed by the narcissistic streak of infidelity they have already trampled over their partner and the narcissist knows this. In the same way you cannot get a little bit pregnant, you cannot be a little bit unfaithful, you either are not or you are.
Where the Dirty Empath has hitherto enjoyed being the Shelf IPSS or DLS, keeping this activity secret from their partner and enjoying all the other benefits of the best of both worlds, it is the narcissist who ultimately calls the tune and if he or she wants that Dirty Empath in a different role, the narcissist will strive to make it happen. If the Dirty Empath will not accord with the change of allocated role then he or she can expect their partner to be told of their infidelity and invariably the narcissist will have evidence (photos, film, documentary evidence of hotel trysts, oral testimony from Lieutenants) to use against the Dirty Empath. If the threat of release of this material does not persuade the Dirty Empath to submit to the whim of the narcissist, then it will be released. The hitherto painted white Dirty Empath will be painted black, they will be devalued prior to dis-engagement and their own existing relationship with spouse or partner will be the prime target of the narcissist for the purposes of causing its destruction and spreading misery. The need to punish the disobedient Dirty Empath and the significant fuel available (negative fuel from IPSS, negative fuel from secondary/tertiary cuckolded spouse, negative fuel from secondary/tertiary sources allied with said spouse and/or Dirty Empath, positive fuel from loyal secondary/tertiary sources to the narcissist) means that the chances of the Dirty Empath being ‘let off’ are virtually nil.
The Dirty Empath may find they can keep their own infidelity quiet for some time, remain as a DLS or Shelf IPSS and enjoy an elongated golden period with the narcissist, but they have no control over that. If it continues that way, this is purely down to the approach of the narcissist. There remains a risk that the narcissist will wish to change the dynamic and with that comes significant consequences for the playing away Dirty Empath, his or her spouse, partner and family.
Those who “give in” to their narcissistic trait (and this is usually because a narcissist has ‘sniffed out’ this Dirty Empath will eventually end up suffering.
This happens in the following circumstances :-
- The DE is DLS or Shelf IPSS for some time and then the narcissist wants to promote them to Candidate IPSS and then IPPS, but the DE does not want this as this will blow open their infidelity;
- The DE is DLS or Shelf IPSS for some time and then the narcissist decides to dis-engage against the will of the DE;
- The DE wants to become the IPPS of the narcissist, but the narcissist does not want this to happen;
- The DE wants to become the IPPS of the narcissist, achieves this, leaves their former spouse with all of the attendant heartache that causes and then enjoys a golden period with their newly acquired (but unrecognised) narcissist. Of course you know what is coming next don’t you? Yes, the DE IPPS is then devalued and dis-engaged from. Their narcissistic streak of infidelity has seen them lured from an otherwise satisfying relationship, drawn by the golden allure of the unrecognised narcissist only for that to collapse and now they find themselves alone, rejected and often hated by narcissist and the cuckolded spouse they once had.
The Dirty Empath with the narcissistic streak of infidelity who becomes ensnared by our kind is only heading for misery. They do not have the lack of remorse, lack of conscience or lack of guilt that allows us to drive ever forward. Instead they are left to rue the consequences of this narcissistic trait being intensified and exploited by our kind.
Further articles will follow concerning the various streaks of the Dirty Empath.
33 thoughts on “The Dirty Empath – Infidelity”
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” less alignment with “herd” mentality behaviors” – interesting. Something I recognise 🙂
either I “decide” to fit in with the rest of the “herd”, or, I don’t. I think that has been determined already and other people know about it too. People don’t like it when I stand up for myself and refuse to be controlled. I really appreciate and thank HG for his work, because, it made me stronger than people took me for. I’ll continue the path I chose to take and remain true to myself, I owe it to myself, and, HG, for his Legacy.
There isn’t a reply button for me on this page but I’m with you Lorelai, I have to stay alone for quite a while lol. I’m weird though, I completely separate physical from emotional. For physical I feel lust/chemistry sort of feelings but nothing else. Even if I love someone like crazy I don’t feel those feelings during any sexual act. I’m starting to think I’m far more strange than I thought. I had a professor in college who interviewed me because he wanted to base a character in his next book off of me. Well half off of me, half off his best friend because he said we had similarities. He said I was the most fascinating person he ever met & I had no idea why he would think that but the more I read the more odd I feel I am.
I was DEMB but only as the mistress. I’d never be able to cheat. It would weigh so heavy I’d feel physically sick even if I rationalized it, it would be too much to carry
Woke,
You Say: “Only as the mistress…I’d never be able to cheat.”
That’s a cop-out. I don’t call people out on this site for third-party situations, and I am very empathetic on how narcs work, in this way…I’m empathetic *until* empaths involved with those committed to others negate/downplay their own role in third-party situations & tout themselves as a “cut above” — which many empaths (refreshingly) do not do, on this site. On this site, many empaths are very honest about their role and do not rationalize.
Bottom line: If you were knowingly involved with a person who was committed, you are “aiding/abetting” the cheating. Yes, it was not *your*commitment, but be real…you have some account to the betrayal of another.
You may want to consider/empathize with the narcissist’s IPPS, who may be equally distressed in the way you describe you may be if you actually “cheated” on someone…
How many IPPS’s are “physically sick” — knowing, deep down, something is not right, in their relationship? How many stay up until all hours, waiting for their partner to come home? How many cry a hundred tears into their pillow?
No, that was not my experience…but it was someone’s…and perhaps something to think about.
Read this amazing article along with the Empathic Supernova one, and wonder if being the Dirty Empath a cadre layered to the four schools can a DE turn also into “supernova mode”… It’s that possible?
Dependent on the school that is the Dirty Empath, going Supernova is a possibility.
Thank you HG, I guess the school is Super Empath. I’m really fascinated reading and learning from your work.
Does the DE fit more in any particular school?
Good question Alexis. Probably less for a super empath as they are harder to ensnare.
But not impossible.
But they have stronger N traits also?
That’s never been my “take away”—just that they (super empaths) are unlikely to be ensnared. They seem to be sturdier, less impacted (almost like a normal) and tend to function overall maybe with less susceptibility. Like a normal but maybe with more empathic convictions, a strong sense of justice, less alignment with “herd” mentality behaviors..
I think not like a normal though. Normals wouldn’t engage. SE can still be ensnared still get addicted. I agree with the other traits strong sense of justice etc. My understanding is they have equal number of N traits and E traits but they’re stronger at both ends so they could be ensnared but get out quicker, fight back and more likely to take revenge.
Alexis—but I wonder how would a super empath with no money and no family and a gaggle of kids differ (if ensnared) to keep a roof over the heads of their children? The issue is multi-factorial. A super empath living in a certain male dominated culture still has to acquiesce at the end of the day or get stoned to death. We all have to survive within our range of possibilities. Yes, they may be ensnared but get away quicker in a culture that permits divorce. At the end of the day—they can indeed get f*^%## too. I’d say my friend “Sara” is a super empath—but I have positives she doesn’t have. We are all unique and equally worthy of recovery here. I think there is a fascination with the strengths of a super empath that I appreciate absolutely—but we have to be sensitive to each person’s circumstances that may impede their ability to exercise such strengths. Much of my research right now is culturally oriented and it is related to screening tool formation for abuse capture in healthcare. This issue is tremendous in magnitude and looks different due to many factors in our diverse world.
I couldn’t agree more Lorelei of course culture and circumstance would play a huge role. I was generalising in terms of someone living in the western world without any additional problems. I was interested to know typically whether there was a particular type of empath who was more likely to become a DE than others. I very much like to put things in boxes when I can. All empaths, normals, empathics have strengths (not narcs though, not them Lorelei, they don’t have strengths – Alexis turns to the side and spits as she says the word narc). We all have weaknesses too, I’ll include narcs in that one hahah. I just like to understand everything.
Yes, culture and circumstances are integral to understanding this phenomenon. Also, a super empath with children to feed may not have education or an earning capacity, (or basically the same opportunity) as a co-depend. with these attributes. So take that co depend. person and they are much more equipped to leave. But they are less likely based on their capacity to give and give/heal and fix until they whittle away all their strength. There has been an almost triangulation of these traits we impose upon ourselves in the blog that lacks this consideration. It is unintentional of course. Alexis—we are very fortunate to be in westernized cultures to exercise what strengths we do have. There are wonderful women (and men) that will be never be able to escape.
I agree in part Lorelei re culture/intelligence/finance etc. But I do believe whilst other factors may influence the SE’s ability to escape, their traits would still manifest but in a different way. Unless we are talking extreme circumstances here like on a par with a concentration camp or similar. Otherwise I believe the SE would still use their strengths to ensure they do not crumble, that they would switch off emotionally to their abuser which would enable clarity of thought. And their fightback (if they were unable to leave) would simply manifest in different ways. If someone hit them, perhaps they would take it for so long but then hit the person right back. If their partner was abusive to their child and unable to leave said partner, they may do things to make sure partner was out of the house as much as possible and protect the child maybe they’d add extra salt to their dinner, water down their beer, crush sleeping pills in their food so that was less time they could be abusive, ensure they stole money from their partner to buy things for the children and convince him he’d spent it etc. Little things which make them feel more powerful and take the sting away and at the same time protect themselves and their children. Anything they could get away with under the circumstance. Unless the situation was so extreme, I do believe they would cause problems for the N no matter what the culture was.
Agree Alexis. It’s an interesting discussion to think of how all the empathic schools may react depending on cultural considerations. How would a carrier empath react? Just because they aren’t a SE doesn’t mean they won’t have certain strengths to mitigate the abuse. Or a co-depend.? They too have feistiness and how can this look? We have to be cautious we appreciate all of our possibilities. Same as how the schools of lessers, mids, greaters function. Trump is the most powerful influence and a lesser! Compare him to Putin, much different but both are effective in their own right at exerting enormous influence.
Yes of course all empaths would have their way of dealing with things and as HG says we all have different traits from various schools/cadres. And HG hasn’t written about all the types yet. I was really interested as a general rule of thumb whether there was a particular type with the dirty streak but I think probably so many types on here and HG said most readers are SSIPs so I would assume the dirty streak can run through all of us given the right circumstances.
I had affairs. It is not my natural tendency to do so—it was always related to seeking some form of emotional support. In fact, my “main affair” was not hardly “sexual” at all. It was companionship and we were much more effective friends. He was a narcissist of course. I did have a brief sexual encounter with someone who did nearly sweep away my sensibilities after my son was born, it caused great harm and was tremendously painful because it impacted my work. (Professionally)
Alexis—to be entirely honest, I just can’t handle separating the emotional from the physical. I believe for many of us, and even normals that this is relatable. I think I can more readily engage in this behavior when I really need support. I’m also not saying that what occurred after my mother died was the worst thing—but it was not worth the increased ET—ultimately. We have well over 100 hours a week to live our lives. 3-4 hours of sex within that week doesn’t make the emotional consequences a worthy benefit. The risk/benefit analysis for me was glaringly apparent. For me to date again—truly—truly—it would have to be someone worthy of my time. The sex would therefore be very secondary because the time spent far exceeds the time in the sack.
I’m so sorry Lorelei. I don’t know what happened to you after your mother died? I imagine you were pretty vulnerable. I’m sure you will find someone worthy of your time. It must be so much harder to get your ET under control when you co-parent. I cannot imagine at all doing this. I feel incredibly fortunate. Many of the stories I have read over the years have been truly heartbreaking. Sex (whilst lots of fun) is most definitely secondary to any companionship.
Nothing happened that I didn’t instigate Alexis! I was not a victim my dear!
pleased to hear it xxx
Anyway I’ve found a man for you at my Gym. Somatic. Very hot! Not so bright so won’t be able to manipulate you as effectively. Perfect solution. Shall I book you a flight?
No thanks Alexis! My goal
is to now stay alone. It’s safer and my own company is stellar.
Yes you’re probably right. Maybe a geyser more likely? And nice! Good to stay alone for now x
Not for right now—for the long term. There is not one thing a man can offer me that I can’t do on my own. I had a brief dalliance and was disgusted by my increase in emotional thinking. Absolutely disgusted. I don’t attract healthy situations. Maybe someday of course something accidentally will occur, but what is a man going to provide that I can not? No one that understands my situation has a good answer. I can hire out my household crap. Sex isn’t worth the emotional lure and vulnerability. Ugh. And he used my decorative hand towels and I’m still pissed off.
You sound like an incredibly strong and resilient person Lorelei. I bet there isn’t anything you can’t do on your own. Don’t be too hard on yourself re increase in ET. There will always be times in our lives when it is much higher. You’ve been through an awful lot and don’t underestimate it.
Sorry he used your hand towels. Buy some more x
I appreciate your comment Alexis. I may be somewhat resilient, but not to a great extent. Strong—not inherently no. I am not the weakest by far—but not strong. The resilience I agree with for some things. I would say mediocre on a bell curve. I have a few attributes that are pretty highlighted as strong on the proverbial bell curve, none of which have been directly helpful to avoiding abusers. I did buy more hand towels. I had an Amazon 20% off coupon for a return I made at Kohl’s which took the “sting” out of my irritation. Always a bright side, saved me $10! He also bought me a bottle of nice perfume.
Intelligence and wit definitely up there in terms of your attributes. You surpass me by a very long way Lorelei. Glad you got the towels sorted and he bought you a gift too! nice work!
Thanks Alexis—I can think on my feet when I’m not emotionally hindered; I can toss out a triple entendre if needed. But but… I really want to learn carpentry and I have zero skill. Never had an interest but now I do. I’ve hired a guy that is a former colleagues husband (super normal great guy for real) and he gave me a quote today for next week’s projects. (I’m not hiring just anyone for detailed work like this) Fuck me! Shit balls he makes a killing. There is something about the ability to be creative and make things that has suddenly sparked an interest. It takes years to be able to do what he does but I plan to at least pay attention next week. We have a number of projects, but the biggest involves a small hallway with a decorative wood ceiling. I had planned to sell my house, but to provide some stability for the children we are staying put so my renovations are getting increasingly complicated. At least it gives me something to do.. Thank you for the compliment though.
Alexis—I can’t fly now anyway unfortunately..
HG Tudor, what if the empath is in a happy open marriage and engages in a sexual relationship with a narcissist? Would you expect this tonallign with choice 2? I am still not entirely sure whether mine discarded me because he realised he couldn’t drive a wedge between my husband and I (There were little hints…He once jokingly said to “He’s got to go, ahahaha”), or if he just got bored of me. But he certainly had fun allowing me to believe there were genuine feelings between us and dangling the temptation for an intimate polyamorous relationship between us rather than the “Friends with benefits” it started out as. “This feels like a real relationship, doesn’t it? It’s ok….I feel it too.” And so on and so forth.