Utter Disgust


You disgust me. How did I ever choose to be with you? How did I not see what you really are? You conned me. There can be no other explanation for what has happened. You drew me in and promised me so much. You offered all that I needed and now you have revealed your true colours. Another chameleon. I would have thought that I would have become more adept at identifying you by now but I suspect that you came with leaden tongue which was draped in sugar as you sought to lure me into your despairing world. I cannot believe that you behaved in such a way and after everything that I have done for you. This is the method of your thanks is it? You are a disgusting person to behave in this way. Building up my hopes, thinking that after so long searching and hunting that I have finally located the one that would always give me what I need. The sole supply of my strength, the bearer of joy, the provider of sustenance and yet you promised all this and when it came to the moment of reckoning you failed to deliver. I should not berate myself for once again I have been fooled by someone who came with obscuring smoke and confusing mirrors. I am but a simple and straightforward person who offers only dedication and a perfect love. You knew this yet you lured me in with your false promises and empty words.

How did you think I would react to such perfidy? With a smile and a “oh it does not matter”? Of course not. You failed me and in the most offensive way possible. You have insulted me, me of all people. You have caused grave offence through your disgusting conduct and that was why you had to be punished. It is not good pleading for clemency. You held a position of trust and you abused that trust in a foul manner. You were given complete and utter access to my inner being and you achieved this through manipulation and fraud. Your punishment accordingly must match this heinous crime. Look at you, snivelling and begging, the crocodile tears spilling down your face as you plead for leniency and another chance. How many chances must I give you? You have failed me so many times and you have taken advantage of my most generous nature. You disgust me. So weak and so pathetic. You thought you could break me but you could not. You thought that you could outwit and outflank me. Not a chance. You thought you could do as you pleased but I have found you out and for that you shall receive your comeuppance. Get up and have some dignity. By heaven, I cannot stand it when you behave like this. Your weakness offends me. I can smell the putrid stench of your pathetic vulnerability now that I have pierced that fraudster’s veil. The offensive odour is all pervasive and I want to vomit such is the disgusting sensation that arises from it. Get out of my sight, you turn my stomach. How did I ever think that you would be the solution? I must have taken leave of my senses but then in a way I did. You made me believe in something that was not real. You duped me. Me, me of all people, someone of my brilliance and intellect, taken in by the sleight of hand of a trickster. I cannot stand this association with something so vile as you. I despite you but I also despise myself for having ever chosen you. You promised me everything and I fell for it. I thought I knew better. I thought I had it all worked out, the path forward and the road to infinite excellence but you were waiting around the bend again weren’t you, you despicable bastard. You ambushed me and just as I thought everything was right, correct and well, you sought to topple me with your clandestine behaviours. Your deceit run through you like a disease and you are riddled with it. Do you see how it causes your features to twist in some sick parody of what you are? The vitriol and the malice age you. It is bound to be the case for nobody can such sick sin for too long. I suppose that is why you try and conceal it isn’t it? Your leering sick grin cannot be looked upon for it will reveal all your other warped features, the grimacing evil that stems from being such a disgusting creature as you are. I cannot stand to look upon you, I cannot bear to hear your screeching and pitiful voice which makes me shudder when I think how often I desired to hear it. Oh what a fool I have been to have been taken in by your promises. You have misled me over and over again. How could you behave in such a manner? Are you not disgusted with yourself? You ought to be. I can feel the bile rising in my throat as I contemplate what you have done to me and now as I see you for what you truly are. Leave! Be gone! I have no desire to have you in my eye any longer. My disgust overwhelms me and I must escape your presence. I said for you to go. Why do you remain staring at me and mocking me with those hooded eyes? Is there not end to your torturous ways? Stop looking at me. Stop it, I demand it. Perhaps if I shut my eyes and yes, you have gone. Ha, I am not finished yet. I have dispelled you but even as I keep my eyes shut tight I know that when I open them again you will have returned because I can never escape you can I?

Listen to ‘Utter Disgust’

18 thoughts on “Utter Disgust

  1. Violetta says:

    Harry’s going to be hearing this speech when he “fails” to make Megs a star. If he hasn’t already.

    (Of course, she won’t phrase it this well. She will tie her Word Salad in its usual granny knots.)

    1. NarcAngel says:

      I’m sure Harry will hear all about how MeMe gave up being the next Meryl Streep to rescue poor pathetic him. I don’t put it past her to add: It’s a blessing your mother died so she couldn’t see what a disappointment you turned out. That’s being kind.

      1. Lorelei says:

        NA—to be honest (and to HG) I had zero interest in initially purchasing the inside track on the relationship between the two of them. Not because I didn’t think HG’a analysis would be excellent, but I ended up getting it. Dear NA and HG—it was perhaps one of the most useful audio pieces I’ve heard. Truly. It was so insightful re, the chipping away process, the subtle manipulative techniques etc. Stellar work HG. Everyone should listen to it regardless of the interest of the two involved. It was validating that I am not a total
        moron which I struggle with the guilt of not getting out sooner, etc.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you Lorelei.

        2. WokeAF says:


          1. WokeAF says:

            Ugh. Babydaddy has bounced back onto the scene after a year’s disappearance and our 16 yr old is drawn into his web right now. I’m only a few mins in and already I’m nodding and going YUP YUP YUP

          2. Lorelei says:

            Woke—I also found tremendous value in the sex tape audio. It too seemed almost frivolous because I don’t have one—but it is of great value for anyone as is the divorce package because the education is about predictable behaviors based on the type of narcissist involved. There is tremendous “transferability” to daily situations. I hope that makes sense. It’s almost like learning about a disease process. The overall picture of various scenarios will allow an incredible assimilation of and for future various scenarios—**protection & understanding.
            I can manage disease processes extremely effectively for instance, mindless at times. It is because of my experience, so I know precisely what to do (for example) with a diabetic in DKA—easy enough to fix even though they can be incredibly ill. There is a very established management protocol. A goal re, narcissists is think more on my feet in the same way. I’m a magnet, period. The more I can synthesize what I see and how to react (or not) is where a true testament for improvement can be made. HG has broken down their various intricacies in a manner that is unprecedented. Adore you as always! Thank you HG—I’ll work on the needed testimonials tonight.

          3. WokeAF says:

            Loved Sex Tape. All the info ties together . I’m wise now. I know things. TOO many things 😆

          4. Lorelei says:

            Why would I want to watch myself have sex anyway? It doesn’t appeal. Ugh, it’s just not my thing. I probably suck in bed anyway. I’m so organized that it has to be annoying.

        3. Violetta says:

          It’s the perspective thing, Lorelei. Some of us are brought up so guilt-ridden that we think we must have done something to deserve any awful thing that happens. Then we see someone else being treated poorly; if it’s someone as well known as Harry, we know he gets silly when he drinks but he’s basically not horrible at heart. And now we can say, “He doesn’t deserve this. The military was doing a pretty good job of straightening him out before she reopened all his old traumas, in the guise of ‘helping’ him. Most of all, his brother and Gran, etc. don’t deserve it.”

          Ever notice how, when you finally see through the abuse, the enablers who’ve been telling you that you must have done something or it wouldn’t have happened are the first ones to look down on you for being misled?

          No, Harry isn’t a rocket scientist. But people far brighter and better-educated have been taken in by narcs.

          1. Lorelei says:

            It was an extremely useful analysis. I’d write more but I am soon for bed after working. It humanized how it happens by discussing the salami slicing in detail.

      2. WokeAF says:

        MeMe. Clever

      3. Violetta says:


        MG, that last one–as if she’d’ve got anywhere near Harry if Diana were alive.

        Sadly, I can easily imagine her saying exactly those things.

        Have you seen the infamous picture 24 (or 23, depending on your interface) yet? This one, I mean:


  2. mollyb5 says:

    Hg , That’s what narcs think when you wound them and criticize them. Yes they do think that way …they turn their lip up in facial disgust this is their thinking during Present silent treatments …right before a verbal devaluation or physical abuse, If you are sensitive to slight facial movements you can see it happening right before your eyes …many can not control these subtle sub conscience facial cues …??

  3. Joy&Love says:

    The intensity of this makes me think its some kind of projection of the self loathing the Narc has when confronted by the creature. In any case this is a fantastic insight. No way would I imagine someone could think in this way.

  4. Gina says:

    HG, I have read the discussions about this article being legit from both the narc and empath point of view. Something I wonder about. You have said that the relationship can end because 1) empath escapes, 2) narc disengages or 3) it never ends. I escaped BUT I have always had the view that he was the one who actually disengaged, I just left physically because I could not take it anymore, I believe I would not have lived much longer.

    So wouldn’t you say that it is always the narc that initiates the end of the formal relationship (if it indeed ends)? My sniveling, whinny, cowardly, never says what he means middle mid range narc would never be the big meany to dump his wife. That would not look good, and bust the whole “I’m a victim” facade.

    But he started it (pointing finger at him).

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That is devaluation, not disengagement.

      1. Gina says:

        Alright. Then maybe he did not believe I would actually leave, because he is so awesome, that’s possible. I’m looking at it from my perspective, I sometimes believe he did that stuff so I would leave, and then he could play the victim.

        Not sure which it is.

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