Poll : Which Red Flags Did You Fail to Heed?
Red Flags. With the benefit of hindsight those flags were flying high but you failed to heed them. Did you think the now-known-narcissist was coming on strong by wanting to be with you all of the time, but you dismissed it as it felt good and exciting? Maybe the narcissist was already in a relationship when he or she targeted you citing those lies of “we are like brother and sister these days”, “we never have sex any more” or “he/she makes my life hell” ? Perhaps you noticed that the narcissist would be strangely unavailable for short periods of time, when usually he or she answered the phone within a nanosecond of you ringing them? Or was it the fact that you never got to meet any of his or her family or friends as you were only ever seen isolation?
You can pick as many answers as are applicable, but do so BEFORE pressing vote.
As ever, please expand in the comments section on your experiences and observations.
Thank you for participating.
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Something that I reckon could be listed as a Red Flag, because it was said to me from the start, by two men who turned out to be very toxic (most probably narcissists):
“I am a feminist, a true feminist”. What a joke this turned out to be!
(The second one even went as far as to read me passages from the SCUM – Society for Cutting Up Men – Manifesto by Valerie Solanas. It was one of his seduction tricks.)
I must say, I laughed inside the second time I heard that line. But still didn’t run away, silly me. Third time lucky (meaning I will run like hell).
Been a long time sense I have thought back to the beginning with Jon.
Major flag for me was when he spoke of changing a persons paradigm, I remember thinking that’s odd and memories of my mother surfaced and what was done to her.
If truth was told the moment I saw him I saw the man behind the mask sadly I had trained myself to look away, something I no longer do. He did purposely show me the man behind the mask after I intentionally ignored him, which was like getting dunked into ice water for the truth was a hard pill to accept I had seen him…..monsters of my childhood.
Sweetest,
“feeling like a super model with her own private breeze around her hair while you practice your goddess walk along the fruit and vegetable aisle…”
I’ll be thinking of your comment next time I’m in the fruit and veg isle. Thanks for the chuckle!
Thank you Tired! I hope it’s not too far into the future!
Sweetest—how good are your assets? I am sure my ex is as pleased to be rid of my National Geo breasts as I am his overall presence. I basically was a wet nurse for three years, or actually the whole time he was here because I was essentially breast feeding a narc.
They are good enough to me. And let me say, that if yours could feed your family, they are good enough too. What my narc thinks of my breasts now is irrelevant. I mentioned them because, though both of us are intellectuals, he couldn’t care less about that aspect of my personality. Somatics are superficial to the highest extreme.
I was psychotic to stay pregnant like that. Holy hell. I mean it was all the time!
He was dating several women when I met him, none exclusively. We liked each other but I told him I wouldn’t date him if he was dating others too . I don’t date multiple men at the same time. He dumped all the others very shortly after and we began to date. It was a whirlwind. Started living together a few months later and married a few months after that ( at his insistence) . My gut told me to put the brakes on , but he persisted, professed his love . I thought he must really love me.
We had our first child shortly after. I thought I found my Prince Charming.
Red flag : he spent our first date speaking ill of his ex’s , except for one , his current DLS ( although he did have a derogatory pet name for her she didn’t know about) . He suggested we should meet because he said I’d really like her ! I told him I had no desire to meet any of his former girlfriends, and I thought it was a bizarre request. If she was so great why was he with me now? Because he knew I would complete his facade beautifully, and she couldn’t. I was desirable to other men, and she wasn’t. I come from a respectable family, and she doesn’t.
I felt later he didn’t want to pass up a chance with me because he knew he’d never get anyone like me again. ( don’t mean to sound conceited, I’m far from it )
I have no idea why he thought I would like that Whore, we are polar opposites with zero in common, save for the prick I’m married to.
Red flag: my family and friends told me he sounds too good to be true. Turns out he was ! They encouraged me to wait longer for marriage.
Red Flag : a former co worker I ran into of his warned me he would cheat on me . I thought he must not know him like I did . I didn’t believe him. Ha , years later I realised he has never been faithful to a single woman his entire life.
Red flag: he had zero friends when I met him. I thought that odd , but because I didn’t know him better I thought perhaps because he’s busy with his career. 30 years later he still has zero friends. He is socially awkward, and it shows.
When he speaks to others it’s all about him, what he does , etc – . He never seems genuinely interested in others. He fishes for compliments, but always says he doesn’t like the spotlight. I believe he’s insecure and if people get to know him too well they’ll realise he’s a fake.
He never hid me from family or co workers, I was introduced immediately.
There were no excessive emails , calls, or texts . We didn’t have the internet or cell phones yet. I worked too and had a busy life. In hindsight we didn’t see each other much before marriage due to our work schedules. Due to the early love bombing I thought I knew him better than I actually did. I SHOULD HAVE WAITED!
Tired—the lack of friends is related to not having the empathic connection to maintain these relationships. HG explained this to me in regard to my ex. He has a family and work fuel matrix yes, but there was no obligation to maintain connections with historical friends. Same with my first ex. Exact same thing.
Lorelei,
Thank you! That makes complete sense !
You are welcome. I’ve come to a place where the things that were bewildering have answers. The lack of connection was a big weird thing for me.
The only narc I was in a romantic relationship with was about as close to base level as you can get, rattling off all kinds of things about how his ex was crazy and was going to murder him, etc. He could never quite keep straight whether he was mad because she dumped him, or whether he had to block her because she wouldn’t leave him alone. That man was entirely unhinged and was basically a walking red flag. The only reason I didn’t heed the warnings was because I was in such a dark place in my own life. Last night the police called me about a rowdy party in my neighborhood, and when I saw that it was the police on the phone, my first thought was that it was something to do with my narc ex from five years ago, back for a malicious hoover. Thankfully it was not.
The mid-ranger I just finished with was an entirely different story. My therapist picked him out as a possible narc almost from the beginning, based on one tiny incident. AeroNarc and I were signed up to go to a Halloween event with limited openings. We were both on the waitlist. Someone skipped over him on the waitlist — we still don’t know how — but he took such offense to it that he decided not to go and went to another party instead. It was a complete and total overreaction to the situation. I called him out on it and asked what had happened, and he protested repeatedly that he hadn’t taken personal offense but that it was “out of principle” that he decided not to go. That particular incident set me back a few paces and made me wonder what I was dealing with, but I chalked it up to his apparent social anxiety. Also, a mutual friend told me quietly over dinner one night that another girl he had been involved with somehow had left our social group, never to return. Other than that, his facade was nearly flawless.
I clicked them all. If not me, I witnessed this happening indirectly to another. They seemed to be in a constant rush. The excessive compliments is rather odd–the somatic lesser said, ‘I love your intelligence’, wherein I asked, ‘What do you love about it?’
He could give no answer. I mean seriously, there are so many different types of intellect, but not as many as there are stupid. Be specific–bland flattery is meaningless.
‘I rarely ever meet women who are my intellectual equal or superior.’ LOL! Coming from a somatic who spent all his money on tattoos and workout equipment.
Another one wanted to rush a relationship and he wanted this long term commitment after I knew him only a month. It came off desperate, to be honest.
The Mid Ranger Elitist had a blog and wrote almost every post about me and my talent and he did this for nearly 2 yrs, which was incredibly flattering, and I didn’t find it bad, as he really seemed to appreciate and understand nuances–he was no dummy in that sense, but then his hiding his identity and the million things I have spoken about here did not line up with his earlier flattery.
How could I go from never doing any wrong to never doing any right?
Mostly, I have to admit that the flags popped up in the moment, but I chose to overlook or ignore them. Like a fake name? I just thought it was a one-off b/c everything else had been great. Who am I to judge? So he is a little odd. But so am I. You see how it works there.
Bibi – omg, the ‘one-off’… I excused too many one-offs due to “cultural differences” (god damn my tolerant, diplomatic nature some days!)
How are you doing?
Hey Who Cares:
I am doing well. Dropping in and out. Been busy working reduced hours and trying to keep my sanity. You too are doing well, I hope?
I am still reading and have not abandoned–it’s just been a crazy AF timeline we are in right now.
And as for your comment–lol, ‘cultural differences’, I had the Mid Ranger (who was Canadian) claim there were ‘cultural differences’ b/t him and me. Hence why he was so weird and distant and fucked up?
So many Canadian narcs out there. Mine was one too, and also a mid-ranger.
Bibi,
” I had the Mid Ranger (who was Canadian) claim there were ‘cultural differences’ b/t him and me. Hence why he was so weird and distant and fucked up?”
Haha.
I am doing pretty well, thanks.
I actually don’t mind having the majority of my commitments and social interactions cut off – I don’t suffer in my own company and I get to spend time with my son in a more relaxed way (other than the home-schooling thing.)
Glad you are still reading and doing well!
I enjoyed reading this . I felt/feel the same way about a few things you wrote
Your somatic loved your intelligence? My somatic loved my tits.
Sweet P:
Awww. So romantic.
“Ode to SP’s Tits.”
Sweetest—I need a big strong man to come plant my trees. My arms feel tired looking at them. I will say that my ex was a tree planter and shrubbery boy. Shall I invite him over to attend to my chores? As he seethes and spits in hatred?! I could make a pass at him just for the fun in watching him shame my whoredom. I could say, “I just miss your..” His face would contort in fabricated arrogance as I stand amused at the power play display.. Anyway, I’ll plant my own trees!
You want my narc, Lorelei? He has no idea of how to plant a tree but he may want to water your garden if you know what I mean. Forget it, he does a very FAST job.
My dear Sweetest—a little frustrating to be under a really hot looking man with the stress of worrying that they can’t control themselves. PE or any issues of function are grounds for immediate corrective devaluation. This could manifest as (1) No further communication/dropped into the abyss of not even a shelf. (2) Shelving with hoovers for tree planting, and future faking by means of flirting but never again sex. I’m not a premature ejaculator so why tolerate it from someone else? It’s nonsense. I slit the bags on the roots and watered them so I can put off the labor for a few more days!
“I’m not a premature ejaculator so why tolerate it from someone else? “ Lorelei, I’m going to steal this and make it my life motto.
Haha—I would smack someone for PE. Useless to have a penis if you can’t control it. Makes me furious. I’m excited to have sex with a new love interest I’ve yet to share with you. I’m thinking the entire issue of PE will be a non issue. I was so excited to find all the details obtained by creeping online. I even got a real estate tour on Zillow room by room and I approved of decorations. I was afraid to check LinkedIn because of it being obvious, but finding what I did produced inspiration. I did visit the business website and I see that this will be someone that can tip 20% off the top of their head. This is a cerebral somatic non narcissist. I swear it is not a narcissist because I performed a full check. It’s easy to place someone in their “category” of where their narcissism would manifest. Assess fuel matrix, work, home, community engagement.. Then it allows for the application of observing for school oriented red flags. I’ve asked questions applicable to obtaining responses fitting for a MMR type A to some upper mid observations. There is no deflection or blame shifts, or smearing, or mirroring, or anything. No self promotion. This individual is an accomplished coach and never hinted at the associated honors I saw online when coaching was mentioned. In fact, has more education than mentioned. I see nothing, nothing, nothing. But guess what? If I do.. If I’m wrong. I’ll know really soon. Thank you HG for all the work on narcsite.
Message bombardment and excessive compliments!
After two weeks of talking it was going way to fast for me and I wanted to cool things down…. he then said he wanted to throw himself off a bridge!! Why did nobody want him? I was like… okkkkk….and wanted to help and understand him more!!! I felt guilty so I stayed dismissing the flag completely. He was a tortured poet/artist/type…. and last time I looked he’s now a skin head wearing DM’s and braces! I do not know what he morphed into!! Unrecognisable to me. Not the same person at all!
frightening
Wanting to be together all of the time
Excessive compliments
Message bombardment
Dismissive and/or nasty about the ex(es)
Inconsistent explanations
Wanting to live together with undue haste
Wanting to have children quickly .
I did/do get caught up in the moment easily . I almost believe every thing someone says to me . But after your blog and the hurt it’s starts to be the opposite.
Well, do not swear. Although I joy in thee,
I have no joy of this contract tonight.
It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden,
Too like the lightning, which doth cease to be
Ere one can say “It lightens.” Sweet, good night.
This bud of love, by summer’s ripening breath,
May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.
And then probably the Nurse (whom Juliet consults offstage before returning to the balcony/window) puts it into her head that they should get married within 24 hours, and everything goes south from there.
Thank you much for sharing Violetta . 🤗
People who think of Romeo and Juliet as the ultimate love story forget that Juliet’s first impulse was, uh, slow things down and get to know him better. There are actually earlier versions of the story by da Porta and Bandello where their relationship does build up somewhatmore gradually, after seeing each other at Mass and other places over a period of weeks between the initial meeting at the ball and the decision to marry.
Not to forget that it opens with Romeo being depressed for the unrequited love of another woman.
I’ve never read much about Romeo and Juliet but this is quite interesting .
I was really into melodramatic cartoons as a child Belle and the beast , Princess Sissi .
I used to be a really a Wendy syndroom type
Romeo:
Why, then, O brawling love! O loving hate!
O any thing, of nothing first create!
O heavy lightness! Serious vanity!
Mis-shapen chaos of well-seeming forms!
Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health!
Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs;
Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers’ eyes;
…
What is it else? A madness most discreet,
A choking gall and a preserving sweet.
(Romeo and Juliet, I, I, 182-200)
Romaunt of the Rose:
Love is hateful peace and loving hate. It is disloyal loyalty and loyal disloyalty, fear that is completely confident and despairing hope. It is reason gone mad and reasonable madness, the sweet danger of drowning, a heavy burden easily handled. It is the treacherous Charybdis, repellant but attractive. It is a healthful languor and diseased health, a hunger satiated in the midst of abundance, a sufficiency always covetous. It is the thirst that is always drunk, a drunkenness intoxicated by its own thirst. False delight, joyous sorrow, enraged happiness, sweet ill, malicious sweetness, and a foul-smelling sweet perfume, love is a sin touched by pardon but a pardon stained by sin. It is suffering which is too joyous, a piteous cruelty, a movement without any certainty, a state of rest both too fixed and too movable. It is foolish sense, wise folly, a prosperity both sad and pleasant. It is the laugh filled with tears and weeping, and the repose always occupied by labor. Sweet hell and heaven of sorrow, it is the prison which solaces captivity. It is the springtime full of cold winter, the moth that refuses nothing but consumes everything from purple robes to homespun, for lovers are found beneath coarse clothing as well as in fine.
(de Meun and de Loris)
The Romaunt was popular in both England and France since before Chaucer’s time (Chuacer translated part of it), and was still well-known to Shakespeare’s aristocratic audience. They would have realized that Whiny Emo Boy here was just doing the equivalent of writing My Chemical Romance lyrics on his notebook
The oxymoronic catalog to depict the contradictory love/hate feelings in unrequited love was a trending topic all over Europe, not just in the English language, for example, Petrarch (Petrarca)’s Canzionere is a clear example of this. I personally love that part of Romeo’s speech (my favorite line is the chiasmus in “This love feel I / that feel no love in this) but I also love Lope de Vega’s sonnet on love, a classic in Spanish literature: “Desmayarse, atreverse, estar furioso, /
áspero, tierno, liberal, esquivo, /
alentado, mortal, difunto, vivo, /
leal, traidor, cobarde y animoso;” it ends with the wonderful reflection: “Eso es amor; quien lo probó, lo sabe” (That’s love; whoever tasted it, knows it). Violetta, you and I should have our own private forum so that we exchange literary ideas without annoying everybody else.
SP, and Violetta
PLEASE continue to ‘annoy’ us in this way!
I just revel in these quotations, and the interpretations you give of them.
Thank you fiddleress, I love reading Violetta’s quotes, I identify a lot with her and her passion for literature and language.
Language(s) and literature: these are my passions in life.
And music.
Mine too. I am an aesthete. And also a synesthete but you don’t choose the latter. Music adds color to my life. Literally haha.
I’am just reading this Violetta ! . Love it . 🤗😁
Second date, he said : “I am not normal.”
To which I replied: “Well, I wouldn’t be sitting here with you if you were.”
How insightful was THAT? But of course, I just found it thrilling, as “not normal” is my norm.
Also: texting throughout the day right from the start, when he knew I was working.
Mine said “I don’t have empathy” and “I know I kind of have a domineering personality.” Also would talk about his superior set of morals.
Hey, I am not normal either and that is OK. I had a lesser somatic narc tell me, ‘I can’t commit to anyone.’
He was right!
Excessive compliments to the point that I even asked if he was a player that said that to all women: goddess, smoke show, knockout, super gorgeous. And of course, he promised me he only did to me because I was too much. And I didn’t believe him for one second deep inside, but I needed that attention at that moment and it felt great to walk in the grocery store feeling like a super model with her own private breeze around her hair while you practice your goddess walk along the fruit and vegetable aisle… There were other red flags, not included in the list, like the fact he was super sensual and passionate online and then quite robotic and weird in person, but as you all said, I brushed it off and got lost in the imaginary love story I had concocted in my own head. Love conquers all, right? I laugh at myself now when I remember what an idiot I was.
SweetP
Your visual of the goddess walk amongst the produce made me laugh out loud. We’ve all seen her. It can be a new game: narcissist or golden victim?
NA, in my case it was empath blinded by her narcissistic trait of vanity, as I very well learned from HG’s Trait Detector. Not proud of it.
Dr. sweetest. You failed in vanity because you were desperate enough to ask your husband for a hair cut. You needed to have your hair planned for. Before I returned to COVID central I was pruned and glistened. I’m good till June 1st. On that date I expire.
I want a haircut because it’s trendy now to keep your hair above your shoulders, not because I look like Robinson Crusoe. My husband obviously is not so excited about this experiment.
empath blinded by her narcissistic trait of vanity , so interesting !
Think I have to do the trait detector as well .
Do it! It’s really cool, I know now what could possibly be a hook for me to interact again with any narc -not just the one I was entangled with-. My two most prominent narc traits perfectly combine with my two most prominent Empath traits in raising my ET, so it’s not just the narc ones that could sabotage your NC. It’s very revealing.
Sweetest—one of mine was “caring” and it was spot on because of my ex’s kids and the continued engagement. But I didn’t need to communicate with my ex per se, because the ex wife will always be my dear friend. He was really good to me (for a narc) so it just wasn’t an issue in the same way. He was a disgusting individual and father though. He could have cared less about the two children and I grew to resent it while siphoning money for his ex. He should have been castrated.
My highest ones are love devotee (what a surprise) and justice. I cut my own hair yesterday, because there’s nothing I cannot do. It looks good!
Sweetest Perfection . Sold ! .
Glad to read how much awareness it gives you about yourself . Amazing!
Stay blessed 🤗
I just got the results of the following one, the weaponized empath and I must say I’m gonna start watching over my shoulder now because I think HG is spying on us; otherwise I don’t know how he can know all he knows with just a little questionnaire!
Stand back from that bar of salted caramel chocolate by the way, I can see it from here!
Oh shit!!!!!
I want some caramel chocolate! (I mistyped and one of the selections was ‘camel’. LOL! Camel Chocolate with all those humps.)
I am so hungry now. So I think about food all the time. In the evenings I am convinced I am getting really fat only to have it go away by morning. I think all the starches are bloating me.
SweetP:
So funny! I love your “goddess walk’ description with the private breeze. Unfortunately, that does describe me.
I never heard “smoke show” before.
Never did I, Njfilly. I had to look it up. I liked what I found (more vanity points for me).
You can look up the meaning of that? Funny. I just assumed what I thought it meant.
I must admit I was also very high on the vanity scale. I am my own smoke show.
English is not my first language and I find myself using the Urban Dictionary quite often for colloquial expressions, Njfilly. I imagined it had something to do with “hot,” but I wasn’t sure what he meant exactly. Though I never was sure what he meant exactly anyway because, as much as he hates to eat veggies, he surely loves using word salad!
SweetP:
You are so funny! I HATE that damn word salad!
I didn’t realize that was a colloquial expression. I’ve never heard it before. I have used urban dictionary before also. May I ask, what is your first language?
Njfilly, love.
This is a Smoke Show:
https://youtu.be/frgk8b5-qvA
(About 30seconds in, from the show Contact.)
I must add the fact he was already in another relationship was not a real red flag for me, cause so was I; but the red flag came when I realized to me, this was an awful, risky breach of our fidelity to our spouses. Meanwhile, he seemed to move into the affair with a more than suspicious natural attitude. He even suggested: “I want to have a relationship with you; any sort of relationship with you. I have been thinking of many different ways we can do this.” If this didn’t stink of YOU’RE GONNA BE MY SHELF IPSS I don’t know what would. Of course, I was clueless. Oh, HG, how much I have progressed since then!!!!! You opened my eyes.
Sweetest—are you that hot in the grocery aisle?
Are you kidding? With a strut like that even the bananas stand to attention when they see her melons!
Hahaha! Glorious metaphor, NA.
I used to be, Lorelei, I used to be! Alas, those were the days B.P. (Before pandemic).
You could have added cheated on his ex’s to the list. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My ex narc still has property on my land, and he asked to come Monday to fix it up. Of course he didn’t show and gave no word. Finally texted Tuesday asking if he could He could come around 4-5 pm. Of course I know that means he wants to come over, have a fire, have some sex, manipulate me with regards to the property he has here that he was hoping I would buy from him. I told him he has to come during the day, so he said he was coming today. We will see if he shows up.
I’m only allowing this because I need to defeat this boss. And because I have moved on and am happy, and ultimately he improved my life both by coming into it and leaving it, so I’ve no need to be vindictive. Eventually I’ll move that thing off my property. That will be the final internal boss battle.
she openly said “I’m not a nice person” after a few weeks of dating. In hindsight, I should of ran an instant mile.
Hey Dan, another one I’ve heard more than a few times that sounds similar, “I don’t have any friends”.
My boss says that.
Dan I saw a screenshot of a guy asking the woman what her zodiac sign is and she said: I destroy people’s lives and play the victim, guess what my sign is.
And the guy replied: it sounds like a disorder.
Good one
Well, lots of red flags but I wasn’t aware of all of them at first. I think they ensnare you and then slowly let their freak flags show. Like the frog in water. Heats up until it’s too late to jump out. Thank you COVID-19 for giving me the distance to really, really test someone.
“Let their freak flags show”
LOL
Thanks SMH
J, All laughter helps! Think of them as freaks of nature (sorry HG).
No you’re not!
I truly am, HG. I have a soft spot for you. But hey I am not the one who pegged you as a psychopathic narcissist.
Ha ha, it is not a label which I find problematic.
I know, HG. Now why did I worry that you would take offence at freak? Must be my empath trait of not wishing to hurt someone’s feelings. Lesson learned again.
Unfortunately there isn’t a Matthew McConaughey “Failure to Launch” voting option. His mother is and always will be his first wife and I believed the, “we are just a close family” line against my own intuition. I now understand ENMESHMENT and it ain’t healthy. Thank Gawd I’m out ✌️!!!!
Tris Hi – yes I underestimated the ‘family’ – no idea till at the end, help cut your throat and watch you die!
They would have rehearsed that scene many a time over the N’s life – and yes ‘Mother’ was the leading lady.
Viewing now with HG ‘stealth vision’ what a deleterious noxious crowd.
Wasn’t until following HG that it all made sense – which is how I process, understand and heal.
Invaluable lesson by N (sardonically I wish I’d come across a Narcissist years ago) and the insight and ‘street smarts’ I have now cause of HG has radically changed how I think and the choices I now make – talk about empowerment!
Hi Sharyn, I love your analogy, “help cut your throat and watch you die!” Wow, that’s so powerful. I’m gonna replace my typical saying, “Death by a thousand paper cuts” with yours.
I did almost die literally and while in the hospital my ex MIL was there rubbing my feet “praying” for me. She is the definition of a malignant narcissist. Her son is a simple garden somatic, mid range lawyer who by appearances looks the part of upstanding Christian and community leader who works diligently fighting Domestic Violence. The irony is comical.
To this day he cannot wipe his own arse without Mommy Dearest ensuring he does it properly. I can’t imagine living a life in such a prison.
I truly am thankful I escaped that prison of a life. I only have to communicate with him as it relates to the children we share. I’m a much better mother without his crazy making behaviors and he is so envious of that! I rose from the ashes his family afflicted onto me into a beautiful Phoenix! That’s my happy ending of my movie!!!
Message bombardments and periods of being uncontactable. They went hand in hand. It would be off the hook messages, emails and calls then all of a sudden the phone was silent. It was like an adrenaline crash. Then I’d be feening until the phone would start back up again.
The first red flag, was that so many women told me he was a player and to stay away. But I was insistent on being the final judge.
2nd red flag, he called all of his ex’s “opportunist”, and that’s why he never settled down. Right.
3rd red flag. I noticed he was a drama king.
4th red flag. He switched his tone from being pleasant, to increasing negativity.
5th red flag. Him wanting me to agree with him on everything, even if it meant having strong opinions about other people that I didn’t agree with.
6th red flag. He gave me so many terms and conditions to earn his love.
Anm: Your post reminded me of one I forgot–a past narc expecting that we would share all the same opinions and agree on everything political and social. When I informed him I didn’t, he would punish with the silent treatment.
Bibi! Yes! That’s the difference between the different types of narcissist though. Mine would not shut up enough to give me a silent treatment. He would rage. He would always love to do this in his car. It reminds of HG’s writing on Trapped In The Car. My ex would take me somewhere were I would be stuck in the car for a minimum of 30 min. with him, but usually longer. He would go off on delusional tantrums, sometimes political, but often about his hate for someone. Then he would ask me if I agreed with his theories, and I usually would politely disagree, and he would start yelling. Listening to yelling in a car is the worst.
In hindsight, there were HUGE red flags, but the context provided by him (and my emotional thinking) obscured the intensity of their hue.
Honestly, I was looking for anything that gave me a reason to not see them – but I can only see the reality of this now.
It seems we turn huge red flags into pretty pink hand towels and think: That’s just what was needed to brighten up this little place.
Haha – exactly NA.
In my case: nobody was going to stand in the way of me getting my hands on those pink towels – not even ME!
Red is also a sexy color. The fact they are red flags, minor details.
Haha – Anm!
“He’s conflicted! He’s deep–THAT’S why he keeps giving these mixed messages and blowing hot and cold.”
About three years ago I failed to see the red flags of an Overwhelming Angel. I asked myself why she behaved like that and I -actually, my E.T.- found an excuse.
Although I realized that she was a narcissist a couple of months later and I could minimize the damage she had done, it was not until HG published the article The Overwhelming Angel last year that I was able see the pattern of behaviours so clearly.
I wish I had known about these types of narcissists before.
E.B.,
I think many people have a difficult time seeing the Overwhelming Angels in their lives. Sometimes because they grew up with similar individuals in their lives and it is “normalized”.
Good for you, seeing the patterns!
WhoCares,
At that time, I did not see any “pattern” but only a couple of narcissistic ‘red flags’. She lied to me more than once and was doing considerable damage. It was a temporary service provider-client scenario.
About two years later, when HG published his article in 2019, I recognized the OA’s pattern of behaviours.
True. They are very difficult to recognize. In my case, I had not met anyone like her before.
HG is the only author who has perfectly described and exposed this type of narcissist.
E.B.,
“HG is the only author who has perfectly described and exposed this type of narcissist.”
Truth. I was amazed by the accuracy of the description in that article when it came out.
With regard to growing up with similar individuals it is hard to refute their “caring” because it appears quantifiable and identifiable. The behaviours look supportive on the surface. And in contrast, real *emotional* support is difficult to identify – especially if we have lived our lives never actually experiencing it.
EB and WhoCares
Yes, because even questioning seeming positivity for clarification or potential problems (example: troubleshooting an idea at work) puts you automatically in the negative camp and has you appearing as the narcissist. The positivity lemmings will descend upon you.
“The positivity lemmings” haha – I like that.
Hello NA,
Nice to see you 🙂 I hope you are doing fine and completely narc free!
“The positivity lemmings will descend upon you.”
Hahaha – You are right. It is just as you said.
I was told I was being ‘negative’, even when I was asking for clarification.
They expect you to accept everything and blindly trust them without questioning. Any comment or question will be perceived as criticism!
All good here EB and glad to see you commenting as well.
You can have fun with lemmings though. For example: when a group of them join Weight Watchers and talk positivity about points all day long, you can support them by putting out bowls of chocolate and other snacks with a note that says: weight watchers – 1 point. Then watch as they all positively gain 5 pounds together as a group.
Any resemblance to an actual occurrence is purely coincidental (ish).
Yep. Ask Dolores Umbridge at F.U. what an assignment is supposed to achieve, and you have either wounded her or provided Challenge Fuel. How dare you imply that her assignments do not have purposes that are immediately blindingly obvious!
E.B.—I had an overwhelming angel that provided childcare for me some years back. I too, wish I had known. We didn’t know but now we do.