5 Reasons It Cannot Work With The Narcissist : The 5 Howling Wildernesses


Five reasons it cannot work

1. Nothing about the golden period is real

It feels like every day is summer doesn’t it? Warm and wonderful. No rain clouds anywhere, just a cornflower blue sky. Not a cloud to be had. Everything is fantastic. We do everything together. We match on every conceivable level. I like what you like. We laugh at the same things. We enjoy the same books and films. I know what you are about to say. We like to cook together, try new wines and explore interesting places. Whether it is forest or foam, city or village we both enjoy going to these places and do so together. We are soulmates. I do not want anyone but you. You have finally met the person that you have wanted all of your life. You still cannot believe how lucky you are to have found someone like me, someone who cares for you, holds you, loves you and showers you with attention, praise and affection. What would you do without me? You struggle to even remember what life was like before I appeared, shiny and exciting. You never want it to end and you allow this golden effect to permeate deep inside you, touching every part of you. Every fibre of your being is coated with my golden touch. None of it is real. You have spent all your time looking at a mirror whilst wrapped in an illusion. I was never any of those things. I just showed you wanted you wanted to see, said what you wanted to hear and did what you wanted to experience. I am a con-man, a charlatan and a fraudster who trades in fake love and steals your true love. I am not what you think I am, I never was and I never will be.

2. Nothing is ever good enough

How soon the golden and glistening empire rots and rusts, those gleaming towers of glass and chrome shatter and crumble. What once seemed like it would stand for a thousand millennia has come crashing down. You scurry left and right, attending and caring, working yourself into a frenzied confusion as you try to hold it together. You cannot accept that this is happening and you try your utmost to stop the cascading stone and the splintering timber but it is an impossible task. You can no more prevent this edifice from tumbling to the ground than you can hold back the tide. The manifestation of this crumbling empire and your frantic efforts to rebuild it comes in how you try and try to please me. You give more of yourself each day in your desire to salvage what you understand, wrongly, to be us. You steadily erode your integrity in a bid to please me, make me happy and do whatever it takes to make things good once again. Each time you think you have got there, the bar is raised higher and then higher still. You keep giving and I keep taking. What worked last week is now scorned. What made me tell you that I loved you a month ago annoys me instead. I no longer want to be with you or be touched by you. No matter how hard you work, cook, clean, tidy and care. No matter how much effort you put into maintaining your figure, dressing attractively and taking an interest in my day, you are only ever met with scowls, scorn and abuse. You do not give up, not yet, but you fail to realise that this is a hole which can never be filled.

3. Nothing stops the games being played

The tears in your eyes will not abate the cruelty. The soft glistening tears which roll down your cheeks only appear as blood to the cruising shark. A green light to continue with the denigration and vicious nastiness in order to provoke more emotion from you. Today is a day of silence. The shoulder cold and brutal as you try to fathom out what is wrong and what you have done. Tomorrow is all smiles again although you are none the wiser as to what has happened to change that but by sundown you will be traipsing to a cold and empty bed as I vanish once again. I sit in my chair seemingly staring into nothingness but I am mentally flicking through my Devil’s Toolkit as I consider my next move. I arrange the pieces, you, my friends, my family, your friends, the neighbours and the man in the sandwich shop. All of you pawns on my giant chessboard as I decide where you should go. You try to learn the rules, to stay onside and avoid transgression but these games are played with just one rule. There are no rules. I revel in my gamesmanship as each day I deploy a new machination against you. These games will tear you apart and you can never hope to win at them.

4. Nothing surpasses fuel

Everything revolves around obtaining fuel, from you, form him and from her. It is a ceaseless quest for my lifeblood which ensures that I am always on the hunt. Restless until I find sufficient fuel and then planning the next move, this need comes above all else. Events are disrupted, dates are delayed, birthdays are ruined and anniversaries forgotten all in order to acquire my fuel. Your needs are placed way below mine, for fuel is everything. I have no responsibilities save the acquisition of fuel so children, jobs, money, health and harmony are all left at the wayside, neglected and abandoned to enable me to pursue the only thing that truly matters to me. I will do anything, say anything and be anything to obtain this fuel. Fuel makes me hurt you, fuel makes me seduce your best friend, fuel makes me fire the nice guy in the office, fuel makes me take centre stage at get togethers. Fuel is all.

5. Nothing will ever change.

There are those of my kind who know not what they are and any such attempts to pin them with the blame of awareness will be resisted with the speed and instinct of pulling your hand away from a flame. They do not know what they are but they know that you are the enemy, seeking to foist change when it is not needed, a part of your attempt to control them and punish them when they have done nothing wrong. Change is not needed and will never happen with them. Those of us who know what we do see no reason to change. We are conquerors, pioneers, leaders and ubermensch. We are supreme beings and we are always right. You make the changes to yourself and fit in with my new world order. I am mightier than you. This all works for me so why should I change? I am not required to change, I am the decider, I am not the one who is decided upon. I rule. I am not ruled. This is how it is and it shall always be the case. Deal with it. I will not change and I cannot change. I know what I am but I choose this, who would not do so when you are as triumphant and brilliant as I am?

Nothing will ever change.

Besides, we cannot stand change.

8 thoughts on “5 Reasons It Cannot Work With The Narcissist : The 5 Howling Wildernesses

  1. Anm says:

    WhoCares! Yes! Exactly! And it’s interesting, my son was actually talking about christmas last year, and how it was the “best Christmas ever!” But neither of my kids realized that I was so broke. Ever since I have been dealing with the narcissist, christmas is always a crazy time for me. We are always litigating in court, dealing with narcissist antics, and dealing with the commercial demands of christmas in general. I am just never well, last year, I told myself I would be committed to being healthy. The judge made me split Christmas with the narc, despite him practically kidnapping our daughter the year before, but I am grateful for the time I had, and swore i would just do the best i could. For christmas eve, i gave the kids pajamas from like walmart, and we made gingerbread houses from Graham crackers, and they had a blast. The next morning, they opened their presents, and it was like books, board games, and nothing worth bragging about, but the kids were so happy. It was because I was mentally well, and it wasn’t the money that made them happy. They loved all of the little things, and being in the moment. And our time was narcissist free. There is always going to be money to be made. Creating memories, is just what I value right now.

    1. Violetta says:

      They were happy because no Narc Bombs. Narcs don’t care about anybody’s birthday but their own, and that includes Jesus’.

      I’ll bet they had a blast, not having to worry about what might happen next.

    2. NarcAngel says:


      Gold. I loved reading that. The simplicity of having a mother spending time with you that is not preoccupied with the narcissist (in the case that they are still in the home) or with thoughts of the narcissist and what may come to ruin the day is the gift. Happy means healthy even if it’s just in moments here and there. Children recognize this and it gives them hope that those moments will stretch and become the norm. It sounds cliche, but the gift is not really in what’s wrapped when you are a child with a narcissist in their lives (although things may not always appear that way as they become older), it’s being able to look to someone who is not, and to find moments of happiness together there. Intellectually we all know this as adults and it sounds simplistic, but trust me, my siblings and myself would have loved what you described at Christmas – but we never did. Not once.

      1. Anm says:

        NA, thank you for responding. Oh my gosh, I think I teared up a little. Reading your point of view from the adult child of a narcissist, is a contrast from what I imagined their narrative to be, so thank you for shining the light on that. I love you all! All of you. You have all been here on my journey, I have come a long way, and I appreciate it.

  2. Whitney says:

    Dear HG, this article is such a salvation to me.

    I’ve blocked the Somatic like you know.

    My latest Emotional Thinking HG is that I want to make lots of money to provoke him. I want to shock him by driving a luxury brand car when our sport commences again. I don’t care about status symbols but money, power, and control are ALL he cares about, he’s told me numerous times.

    He’s never been jealous towards me but he would be disappointed that he’s no longer mascarading around my business and bragging about me to other people.

    At least this is incentive to work hard, and my ET will be decreased or gone when our sport commences in many months time. I probably won’t even go back. I’ll go somewhere else instead HG.

    1. Anm says:

      It doesn’t work out so well like that when you are an empath. I did all of that when I left the narcissist. I got the revenge body, took a job that paid really really well. I had PTSD. I was hypervigilant at work, I would easily get into arguments with other narcissist that triggered me like my ex would, my cell phone distracted me from working, I would sometimes call out sick just to stay in bed to mentally recover from high stress job and PTSD combined. The narcissist WAS impressed with my job, also did everything he could to cause drama at my work. I currently have a restraining order against him from knowing where I work, when we litigate in court, I always have to file personal information with special sensitive data filings to keep it from being public record, so he can’t ruin finances again. I always wear sweats when we do child exchanges so he can’t size me up. I say no no no. Seek first a healthy state of mind. Dont allow the narcissist to know about your work, impress yourself, if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for someone who deserves your love.

      1. WhoCares says:


        That was very insightful. And I am sorry you found out the hard way how that was detrimental to your well-being.

        “Seek first a healthy state of mind.”

        I absolutely agree. I was completely unwell enough to keep even an undemanding job at the end of the time of my entanglement – mostly because (I recognize now) my then boss was also a narcissist (all I knew for sure was that she was highly manipulative). If I had stayed, in the state I was in, I would have either – physically – done myself in or I would have lashed out at her (my boss) out of an extinct ability to tolerate any manipulative treatment. Both scenarios would have been bad for me, so I left that job to deal with my own crisis. It was one of the (unknowingly at the time) best things I ever did – despite the loss of income.

      2. Violetta says:

        Amen to everything you said, Anm.

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