The Errors of the Ignorant – No.1

Just love him as much as you can and it will work out.

A series based on the comments made by people who fail to understand the true nature of narcissists and the narcissistic dynamic. Whilst these comments may be well-intentioned, they are incorrect, perpetuate misunderstandings and in many cases create false hope, dashed expectations and perilous outcomes.

It is a common response by those who fail to recognise our kind and also have no understanding of what we are and how we operate to tell the bewildered victim that the cure to our odd and unpleasant behaviour is to shower us with love.

Note that here the timing is important. We are devaluing you and therefore you are already on that slippery slope towards dis – engagement.

If, as someone who has been ensnared by one of our kind, you turn to somebody who is empathic for advice to understand what is going on, you will fall foul of their empathic trait of being a love devotee. This belief in the power of love, whilst a good trait in itself, is corrupted to become a burden when it is added to the equation with our kind. This near slavish belief in the fact that love will conquer all ills and overcome all problems results in an understandable, albeit misguided, injunction to apply more love to the problem with the narcissist.

It is not going to work. It is too late.

This is suggested most often with regard to the romantic dynamic between victim and narcissist. The advisor fails to recognise that the temper tantrums, the silent treatments and the name-calling, amongst so much else, are manifestations of the ignited fury of a wounded narcissist and instead attribute them to something else – it does not matter what the chosen descriptions might be because they are wrong. This means that the advisor fails to identify that the victim is in the grip of a narcissist in this romantic entitlement. They also fail to recognise what this means in terms of behaviour and as a consequence they see the application of love as a panacea which will cure all ills. This does not work with our kind.

There is no issue in providing us with more and more love during the golden period. Indeed, this is what we want and as a consequence of that approach you provide us with plenty of positive fuel. All is well. Of course, your confusion and bewilderment begins when we start to devalue you and you cannot understand why it is happening. Thus, you turn to someone else, some advisor, to try to gain answers for these unfathomable behaviours, volte faces and about turns.

The devaluation may occur for several reasons, when in the romantic dynamic between narcissist and Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”) but in the majority of cases it is because of the failure by the IPPS to maintain fuel at the right level of frequency, quantity and potency.

If you love us more and therefore provide us with more positive fuel during devaluation then there are several outcomes which can occur, but ultimately they all arrive at the same place; failure.

  1. If the problem was that your positive fuel was not stale but you were not providing it as often and as in the quantities we wanted, then an extra push of loving behaviour from you will remedy the problem BUT only for a short while. You will be granted a Respite Period by the narcissist as your positive fuel shines once again and the golden period returns. This may last for a few weeks, perhaps months, but it will ultimately result in your finding yourself in the place detailed at point three below;
  2. If the drop off in your positive fuel was caused by quantity and frequency issues, then devaluation has begun and there is a risk that we have begun the process of engaging with finding your replacement. Dependent on how advanced those searches are and how effective the prospective replacements are responding, even though you increase the frequency and quantity it may not be enough to save you from continuing devaluation, because of the interaction with one or more Candidate Intimate Partner Secondary Sources. Thus, loving us all the more does not work and your devaluation continues;
  3. The problem may not be the frequency and/or quantity but the level of potency. We have, in essence, had too much of a good thing and our familiarity to your potent positive fuel means it has lost its allure. Consequently, by trying to give us more of something we have become ‘sickened’ to, is not going to work. It is like someone becoming tired of strawberry ice cream and you turning up with a huge tub of strawberry ice cream. You will not stop the devaluation. Even if you managed to secure a Respite Period (see one above) eventually the familiarity issue will appear and you will find yourself in a situation where the potency no longer is effective, no matter how hard you try to love us and show that that love and devaluation will continue.

The consequences of this is that advising somebody to continue to love and to show even more love for us are:-

  1. The creation of a false hope that the perplexing behaviour we engage in will end;
  2. Victims will remain in an abusive and misery-inducing relationship for longer than they need to;
  3. Exposure to potential harm – whether it is the physically explosive response of a Lesser Narcissist through to the enduring mind games and psychological torture of coupling with a Greater Narcissist. The risk is increased of some form of harm – sexual, physical, psychological and/or financial arising;
  4. A complete erosion of the victim as they keep giving and giving of themselves, spurred on by this apparent authority that love will provide them with the answer to the issue and make it all good;
  5. A further false hope whereby if a Respite Period has arisen, the victim is conned into thinking that this increased loving has been successful, when in actual fact all it has done is secure a stay of execution and most likely made the eventual resumption of the devaluation all the harder to endure;
  6. The pollution of the victim. At some point the victim will be dis – engaged with and the failure of this apparent panacea of applying increased loving runs the risk of creating cynicism so that the victim feels unable to and/or unwilling to ever try to love anybody else again in a romantic sense.

This advice provided by somebody who is ignorant about what we are is tantamount to saying to somebody, “Stay in the burning house because eventually the fire will stop and you will then be okay.”

If you are in the romantic dynamic with our kind, all the continued provision of your love when the devaluation has already commenced will achieve is to cause you to be bound to us and it signals to us that there is more negative fuel to be drawn from you because of your desperation to remain with us and to try to apply love to cure a situation which has now become one which cannot be cured.

26 thoughts on “The Errors of the Ignorant – No.1

  1. Rebeka says:

    HG, I’m not understanding why you post “New” next to these entries that aren’t new at all?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I don’t post them as new. I do not used that in the description. Where does it state that it is new, it does not show as that when I look at the article.

      1. Narc noob says:

        HG, the “new” description in red also appears my end. On quite a few articles that aren’t new.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          WP must add it since it is a “new posting” of an existing article. I do not add the “new”

          1. Narc noob says:

            That was my conclusion 👍

          2. Violetta says:

            WP is trying to control you, HG.

          3. HG Tudor says:


          4. alexissmith2016 says:

            yes get it right Violetta, WP is not ‘trying’ it is and HG just admitted that hahaha

          5. HG Tudor says:

            No, I did not.

          6. alexissmith2016 says:

            So cute

          7. Violetta says:

            I believe his point was that it was trying, not succeeding.

  2. Becoming Observant says:

    If an empath knows what they are dealing with (and has maintained emotional distance internally), and sees the devaluation beginning: my gut says to either ignore the devaluation and any provocative remarks or to pick a fight to give him his negative fuel (and get back to “normal” IPSS status). My gut also feels that you will tell me that these responses are bad.

    No contact has been in place for over a year. But sometimes, emotional thinking creeps into my head and wonders “what if”. Are narcissists ever ok to keep around for entertainment, with “emotional distancing” in place? Will you please tell us the pitfalls you see in placating the Ns with negative fuel or blowing them off?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      To keep a narcissist in place for “entertainment” is emotional thinking. It is a breach of the first golden rule of freedom. You will invite a visit from The Devil´s Pitchfork. See Halting the Hurt which you will find in The Knowledge Vault as this describes in detail the pitfalls, that is why I wrote it, to help you all and you should all be paying heed to it.

      1. NarcAngel says:

        And if we don’t pay heed will that invite a spanking?

        Asking for MB.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Ha ha, as if you ever have to pretend to ask on behalf of anybody else!

        2. njfilly says:

          Mind if I eavesdrop?

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Ha ha, that amused me.

          2. njfilly says:

            I thought I might be able to slip a cheek in without you noticing!

          3. HG Tudor says:


          4. njfilly says:

            Spank me, dammit, SPANK ME!!!

            (I was never known for subtlety).

          5. Violetta says:

            DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It’s not the first time we’ve had this problem.

            GALAHAD: It’s not the real Grail?

            DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty — and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her!

            GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!

            DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.

            VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me. And me. And me.

          6. njfilly says:

            Oh yes, I like being tied down and spanked.

            Is this from Monty Python? I was never really a Monty Python fan.

          7. Violetta says:

            Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Frequently quoted by reenactors at gatherings, particularly those involving alcohol, as The Princess Bride. Both were quoted at a Viking Luau where I ended up.on the ramparts with other gentlefolk, glitter-bombing newcomers.

          8. njfilly says:

            Viking Luau sounds right up my alley.

      2. FYC says:

        HG, Would not the addiction triple package also be applicable? It seems any contact, whether controlled or not, feeds the addiction (and leaves one open to the devils pitchfork).

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Indeed it is. The Addiction Triple Package should form a central plank of any victims recovery response.

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