Why Yes Is Not Always Best

 

WHY-YES-IS-NOT-ALWAYS-BEST

Lots of people have trouble with saying no. It carries with it the connotation of negativity, obstruction and disappointment. People much prefer to say yes. I know that you and your kind really do struggle with saying no. You prefer to be regarded as a can-do kind of person, positive and accommodating. You also find it difficult to say no to people as you really do not like to see the disappointment on their face should you respond in this way. It makes you feel bad and accordingly, you either avoid saying it in the first place or you change your mind if you have said it. Occasionally, you will take refuge in the realm of uncertainty.

“I will think about it.”

“We shall see.”

“Let me reflect and I will come back to you.”

“I just need to check something, but I think it should be okay.”

You want to say no, but you find that you are unable to and therefore you trot out one of these insipid responses and ultimately you will end up saying yes. We know this is a common trait of yours and something we rely on and play on. We are aware that you do not like to say no and therefore we will press and cajole to ensure you say yes. Do not make the mistake of thinking that we need your validation and approval. Far from it. We do what we want. We like to hear you say yes because it underlines our power over you. We can always make you say yes. Sometimes you do it straight away (especially if we have you conditioned correctly). On other occasions it requires some persuasion and in the remainder of cases we need to pull out our manipulative tool kit to achieve the desired result, but we always get there. You are designed to say yes, we programme you to say yes and you do so even if it is ultimately detrimental to you. You feel you need to please and that need is greatest when it comes to us.

By contrast we are firm disciples of the word “no”. It is a word of strength. It is commanding and authoritative. Those who can say no have fortitude, steel and resilience. We say it regularly. We are untroubled by the fallen expression, the noises of disappointment and pleading. In fact, should you beg and plead we will just keep saying no and sit back and enjoy the fuel that you provide to us by your behaviour. Beseech us, blackmail us, bribe us and bombard us with requests, nay, demands to say yes and every time we will bat you back with a firm no as we savour your increasing anger, frustration and upset.

We do not associate the word no with negativity. We see it as a positive word. It is one that enables us to assert and maintain our superiority. We are able to use it to control you and keep you in your place. We are fully aware that whoever is on the receiving end of the word no automatically feels bad because they have been denied something.

“No I do not want to have dinner with you tonight.”

“No, you cannot borrow my car this evening.”

“No, you cannot go out with your friends tomorrow evening.”

It takes guts and integrity to say no. You struggle to say it because you are used to being exploited and taken for granted. You may try and dress it up as being someone who always helps and is a facilitator but the reality is you end up being used. Notice how in those instances above where I stated no, I did not give a reason for the refusal, I just said no. That takes real strength. I do not need to fall into providing explanations for my decision. It is my decision, the answer is no, that is an end to it. I can do this because I am not accountable. I can do this because I do not feel bad when witnessing the disappointment of others. This enables me to achieve more and avoid being burdened unnecessarily.

You can learn a lot from my use of the word no.

Just do not think of ever using it towards me.

That’s a big no.

 

9 thoughts on “Why Yes Is Not Always Best

  1. Dorion says:

    So what do narcissists do with the people who have no issue saying ‘no’ to them? Avoid from start? Try to entice more? Devalue/attack?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Depends on where they sit in the fuel matrix, what the narcissists fuel levels are like and whether alternative methods of control can be utilised. Rather than say no, do not be there to be engaged with and that will, over time, all else being equal, lead to you being interacted with less and less because the narcissism detects that you have become a F.R.E.E.

  2. anon says:

    Hello,

    I’m curious….. I believe my sibling is a malignant narcissist.

    How would a narcissist react if they reached out to you about an incident that had nothing to do with them (they overheard a conversation) and you responded with “This doesn’t really concern you. Thanks”.

    My sibling went from pleasant to an uncontrolled rage (threatening physical violence and was verbally abusive). I’m pretty sure my “Thanks, but no thanks” comment was seen as a “no”.

    Thanks.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Anon,

      1. Put your sibling through this https://narcsite.com/narc-detector-2/
      2. Your response would be challenge fuel – please see https://narcsite.com/2020/05/26/the-3-key-interactions-with-the-narcissist-2/

      1. hopeless says:

        Thank you. I sincerely appreciate the information.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome

  3. blackcoffee30 says:

    Guilt, guilt, guilt!! Always. I hate it. Working on it.

  4. sharyn227 says:

    Hi HG – trust you well

    Interesting enough, from me, a yes can turn to a no given enough reasoned debate only if I change my mind – but a no is a no 🙂 cheers Sharyn

    Marcus Aurelius Quotes
    “Yes, you can–if you do everything as if it were the last thing you were doing in your life, and stop being aimless, stop letting your emotions override what your mind tells you, stop being hypocritical, self-centered, irritable.”

  5. Summer says:

    Yes i can learn a lot about the use of ‘no’. This article is huge for me & i continue to b amazed at the extent to which he understands us! Good medicine. (Also I have been looking for an article on how to discover the lieutenant i dont know about)

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