Hiding From Yourself
Another session with Dr E. As I sat down in his consulting room I wondered how much had been spent so far with regards to this supposed treatment. A few thousand pounds no doubt and I imagined that both Dr E and Dr O would be more than content to continue these consultations given their lucrative nature. The cynic in my nature pondered that the financial rewards were such that they would string out this course of treatment for as long as they could. That did not concern me. I was not paying and I usually enjoyed my sparring with the good doctors. It entertained me. However as I ruminated on whether the lure of filthy lucre was what motivated Dr E and Dr O, I realised that they at least gave the impression of wanting to help me.
I know from the many sessions it was as much about me gaining awareness and insight in order to make informed decisions about what I wanted, rather than a prescriptive approach from these head doctors but I realised that they actually did care. They wanted to help me. This of course was the main reason why I was content to keep turning up and being subjected to their questions ; these two examiners of HG exhibited empathic traits and thus they proved attractive to me. My tolerance for their repeated probing of areas of my life that I preferred to keep shuttered and closed arose because they provided me with the attention that is so vital to my existence.
I also knew that there was an admiration there for me as well. It was evident in the way the pair looked at me, especially Dr O. I knew, as academics, they admired the way I was so candid about the way I behaved. I could see how they admired the way I had been created. I knew they did not like it, how does one like something like me given the abuse I dole out as freely as a farmer broadcasting seed, but they had that deep-seated admiration for this efficient machine that had been stripped of all unnecessary emotions and super-charged with certain traits in order to function at maximum effectiveness.
Accordingly, even the doctors were providing me with the thing I needed and our relationship might continue ad infinitum. They continued to be fascinated by me and they desired to help me. I, in turn, was content to engage in this relationship as it provided something that I required. The arrangement was a mutually satisfying one, even when the doctors strayed into territories that were best left alone.
“Hello HG how are you?” asked Dr E. I hesitated. He did not normally enquire as to my state of being. Others would trot out such a question rarely interested in the answer but merely performing a social nicety. Dr E did not ask such a question and for him to now do so put me on guard.
“I am excellent well, thank you for your kind enquiry,” I replied with a smile. I did not enquire after his well-being, I was not interested nor did I have to feign such interest.
“Good. Now, straight down to business, who are you?”
“H G Tudor.”
“Indeed you are. Anything else?”
I paused. I see Dr E we were going deep today were we? Very well, let’s flush out where you want to go.
“The question of who I am is something that depends on the context,” I began. Dr E commenced his note-taking.
“How does one define oneself is what I suspect you are really driving at.” I looked to Dr E for a sign of affirmation but there was none.
“Do I have an idea of who I am? How is that arrived at? Do I know who I am or do I look to others to define me? Am I an independent identity that has been shaped by my own decisions or am I a product of others and their experiences? Am I aware of who I am or have I yet to discover all that I am?”
“All interesting questions but let me return to my initial question,” interrupted Dr E, “who are you?”
“Who am I? I am many things to many people. Friend, lover, boss or confidant are labels which are applicable to me. Conqueror, seducer, victim and defiler are others which are equally applicable. Charismatic, urbane, intelligent, interesting, stimulating, successful and alluring are also traits that come together to create who I am.”
“I see. Would you say therefore that you are confident that you know who you are?”
“Do you think that if I asked this question of your family and friends, your colleagues or even my secretary that they would give similar answers to those you have provided me with?”
“Liars lurk within the ranks of those you have described and they have nothing but ill-will towards me. Their perfidy is so great I can smell its stench as I sit here. By all means ask but you will be given nothing but a litany of lies. Insults and assaults on my good nature.”
“So all of them would insult you?”
“No, not all, there are those who know me for what I am.”
“Might it be said that they all know you for who you are?” pressed Dr E.
“No. There are those who have an agenda to topple me and it is they that think they know me but they have constructed an idea of what I am and it is a false one that is used to serve their nefarious purposes. Others recognise my greatness and they are content to embrace it.”
“But could it not be the case that these categories of people just happen to know different elements of you. Your admirers know the H G that is generous, interesting and charming. Those who you regard as detractors perhaps know a different part of you, the defiler and conqueror that you made reference to, this causing them to regard you in a less positive light?” asked Dr E.
“No. The defiler and conqueror are artifices created by those who seek to harm me. Let them do so and I will be that which they think I am. It is no more than they deserve. They create such a monstrosity through their perfidy and unwarranted attacks, so let them know the beast, let them feel its hot and fetid breath in their faces, the rake of its claws against their yielding skin and the full horror of its power on their being. They create it, let them endure it,” I spat, the mere consideration of those who would do me wrong causing my fury to ignite.
“Could you not possess all of those attributes? Could it not be the case you have them all and people see some over others?”
“No,” I said firmly. Dr E nodded and fell silent.
“What would you think if I said that I think you are hiding from yourself?”
I switched my gaze from Dr E and focussed on a picture on the wall. Not this, don’t start this again. Don’t let him gain a foothold H G. Repel the boarder, eject the intruder, cast him out.
“I do not hide.”
“But might you not realise that you are doing so?”
“Could it be that you do not know who you are?”
“Could it be that you do know but would prefer not to contemplate it?”
“Is this line of discussion making you uncomfortable?”
I shifted my gaze back to Dr E. Go on, keep trying to batter through my defences, you will not succeed. I know your game Dr E. I know what you are trying to suggest but I am not going there.
“Very well. Let us go back to how you regard yourself then, elaborate on that,” he invited.
The sense of relief washed over me but I gave no outward sign of its effect. I smiled, elated to have rejected this probing once again and excited by the prospect of talking about my favourite subject in greater detail; me.
8 thoughts on “Hiding From Yourself”
Like I said H.G. to you I’m very sorry you had to go through this and you only went through this because of people because of the people in your life when you were young we both had them we both took a different turn in our lives but I was speaking to you HG and from my heart I mean it I am sorry no child should ever have to go through that. people can talk all they want about the therapist, people doing their job that they’re getting paid for and getting recognized for but in simple terms I don’t have to impress anyone no one really matters where I have to do that .I know all the fancy words and I’ve learned the games and they really don’t mean anything . it’s nobody else’s business take care. please be safe HG. I’m studying from a back seat from now on.Maybe !!!!
H.G. I’M SO SORRY YOU WERE PUT THROUGH THIS . YOU KNOW , I DON’T HAVE TO TRY TO EMPRESS YOU WITHBIG WORDS OR ANY OF THAT . JUST NO GAMES HERE ,VERY SIMPLY I UNDERSTAND AND I’M SORRY .
The therapist is just doing his job, which is to find out more about the defence mechanism and how it operates through asking HG questions and sometimes challenging the answers he gives.
Remember HG doesn’t have to be in therapy if he doesn’t want to. He could give up his inheritance and not attend therapy. As well as go no contact with Matrinarc. He has a choice and he’s a grown man he can handle it.
Witch , gee thanks for letting me know🎓
Is this a joke like the onion? Is HG responding to himself? No I actually think HG could be funny and this is more like those after school specials that were so contrived and corny you kept watching because you couldn’t believe the actors were not laughing. And I didn’t have a remote . .. there was that..but really poor poor HG? I guess you would hug the perpetrator vs victim after you watch the assault?? Consoling an abuser while they are literally in the act, thinking of last attack or planning next attack is how these parasites keep multiplying. I guess you felt more for the people who abused HG (if we believe he was abused ) but at the time his abuser wld claim been abused I’m sure.. so whose feet do we hold to the fire? . The person rt in front of us. He is no different than a child abuser the only reason he isn’t is because that’s not his thing because if it was he would. Guided only by his wants his enjoyment.. he doesn’t give a ___ about anyone and he thinks we are stupid because we are. When someone tells you who they are believe them… when that same person acts opposite and then tells you how they “feel”.. RUN!!
Your comment is very interesting I could see both sides I came from this my father and my mother I married into this , somewhat a very cerebral narcissist husband for 45 years I can see all sides but I also see my side because I live in my shoes . but I’ve been exposed to it all my empathetic compassionate nature rules me but I’m also more aware of the red flags Wherever I Go . I really don’t trust that much anymore my last narcissist has dimmed the bright light in my eyes that kept me young now I’m suspicious . I will probably have those small lines around my eyes from squinting but that’s okay we all learn things in our own ways .
“Conqueror, seducer, victim and defiler are others which are equally applicable.“
But you said it though…
It is always interesting how angry narcissist psychopaths are and under it, the always underlying, stronger presence of hurt, sadness, insecurity, and need. No, HG, these things are not “weakness.” Feelings are not weaknesses or strengths. They’re simply feelings. Most people narcissist or not, including you, were not given the proper tools to understand and put feelings to work. This is why we all hang far too much sense of strength and weakness on feelings. And truly nobody truly sees the narcissist as the masks they present. It might work on some, for a time, but even with those it works with, they know. The red flags they think are harmless, and so on. They know, they just don’t understand what it is. I know how angry and hurt you are, HG. You should feel angry and hurt, for whatever happened to you. But, the narcissist in the end only hurts the narcissist. The sense of control is only your own confinement. I hope you will let it go, and find that person you really are in you. It’s a wonderful person. Well worth finding.