On Your Marks, Get Set, Stay!
How many times have you declared that you have had enough? How many times have you vowed that you are no longer putting up with this behaviour and making a fresh start? How often have you put in place steps to depart and leave this confusing and twisted reality behind? We hear these assertive comments from time to time. We have subjected you to a sustained devaluation, provoked so many heightened emotional responses from you which has given us fuel.
At times you did not know whether you were coming or going, your head swam and that dull ache in the centre of your forehead never seemed to diminish. You wondered who you could trust as you fought to establish what you believed was right against a backdrop of contradictions. From somewhere you mustered some strength, a bolt of fortitude sprang from the maelstrom and in that moment of clarity you knew it was time to go. This situation is not right surely? Nobody should be treated in this manner. Yes, it was the moment to depart.
Of course you could not do so without your parting speech. It was not borne out of spite or venom. Those are not watchwords that apply to you. Notwithstanding the horrendous treatment meted out against you, the repeated abuse and the incessant put downs, you still behaved with dignity and grace.
There was little doubt that you wanted to lash out. You wanted to flail us with stinging words and some home truths, just in the same way we had used our acidic tongues and savage words to berate you, yet despite how much you wanted to speak to us in this manner you did not do so. Instead, demonstrating the empathy which attracted us to you all that time ago you explained how you still loved us. You fought back the tears as you explained that you loved us more than you did when we first became a couple and despite everything that has happened you still love us.
You ought to have torn strips of us, levelling a lengthy charge sheet against us but you did not behave in this way. That is not who you are. You talked about all the wonderful traits we have and how you miss them, you continued to praise us even after everything that we had done to you. You stood there bearing the emotional and physical bruises and rather than lambast us for putting you in such a state you preferred to talk about the magical times we had together.
You clearly had committed each of those occasions to your memory as you brought up each event and occurrence as the tears trickled down your cheeks. You explained how wonderful we made you feel, how you had never experienced anything like that before and you consequently truly believed you had found the one. You work through the golden period, talking about the trips we took, the days we spent together and the glittering and scintillating moments we created. We can see this is hurting you all the more yet still your selflessness continues.
You are exhausted after the tortuous time you have been put through and yet still you only try to remember the good and thank us for those wonderful times. You tell us that although they lasted a few months, the memories of that time are seared into your mind and you will always treasure them.
You explain that you will reflect on those memories and not what came to pass afterwards as you still prefer to think the best of us, despite everything we have subjected you to. Your nobility in behaving in this manner is most impressive and your admirable words continue to fuel us. You explain between sobs that you do not want to go but you have to. You do not want to leave everything that we have built up behind but if you do not do so then you will be destroyed.
You apologise, yes you actually apologise that you have not been able to help us, to steer us away from the destructive and malevolent behaviour that has marred the latter months together. You explaim how hard you have tried but admit you have been defeated. You express your desire for us to change and to seek help because you truly believe that we are a good person who just needs to seize on that goodness and allow it to shine.
You tell us you have seen what we can do and achieve and you still want what is best for us. You stand there staring at us, some of your possessions already packed in the two suitcases which are waiting in the hallway. You tell us you will make arrangements with us to collect the remainder of your belongings once you have had a chance to think and breathe.
We rise from our seat and walk towards you. You are quietly sobbing and we take your hands in our hands and hold them in that tender manner you recall so well. The vicious squeezing that one day arrived out of nowhere is not in existence. Instead, we hold your hands and look you straight in the eye as we summon up a look we have practised before with others in the situation.
The look begins as sorrow and then morphs into hope as we search your eyes looking for that flicker of flame once again through the tears. You hold our gaze as we keep searching and then we speak, our words soft and gentle, just as they were when we whispered into your ear as we lay next to you holding you late at night.
“I am sorry, I know this time I have to change. Please help me be the good person I know I can be, that I want to be. Something is wrong with me and I do not know what it is, but you can save me, you are the only one. Please do not leave me. I cannot survive without you. I need you. I want to make you happy again because someone as wonderful and as loving as you deserves it. I will get help but I know I can only do it with you at my side. Please, please stay.”
The short speech is delivered with true brilliance as I gather the right inflection in tone coupled with suitable contrite looks and mannerisms. I continue to look into your eyes as you let my words sink in. The moments pass and then the light flickers, that flame of hope sparks into life and I know your next words before you have even spoken them and I begin to give you that enticing and winning smile again.
I know that you will stay.
Again.
16 thoughts on “On Your Marks, Get Set, Stay!”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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H.G. EVERY TIME I READ ONE OF YOUR POSTS I CAN CONNECT IT WITH SOMETHING FROM MY CHILDHOOD WITH THE PARENTS OR 45 YEARS WITH GENE OR THIS MALE I KNOW FOR LAST FEW YEARS . IT JUST REMINDS ME OF THE SONG ( OVER& OVER& OVER I KEEP GOING OVER THE WORLD WE KNEW ) THATS WHAT I AND SO MANY OTHERS DO EVERY SINGLE DAY . I FEEL OVERWHELMED BY SO MUCH KNOWLEDGE PLUS VERY EXCITING TO HAVE SURVIVED IT ALL . ITS FUNNY H.G. THE NARCISSIST’s MADE ME WANT TO DIE FROM DAY ONE, AND NOW YOU , #1 AUTHORITY ON NARCISSISM MAKES ME WANT TO LIVE EVERYDAY . THANK YOU
Dear smarinucci1970,
Atta girl, that is fabulous, well done
You’ve come so far and I’m extremely happy for you
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
THANK YOU BUBBLES YOUR COMMENT MET MY HEART AND MY HEART FEELS JOY 💜💞💋
Dear smarinucci1970,
My absolute pleasure
Your inspire others lovely one and I feel your journey
You should be so proud of yourself, you’re one hellava woman
Hugs beautiful one
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
BUBBLES THANKS. 💋💞 YOU BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES REALLY . I CAN’T SLEEP ITS SOOOO HUMIDIT TONITE THUNDERSTORMS MY CATS ARE AFRAID MY STOMACH HURTS BADLY BUT THE POSITIVE WORDS THAT I HAVE BEEN READING TONIGHT HAVE ASTONISHED ME. GOODNESS TO YOU ALWAYS DEAR .
THANK YOU BUBBLES FOR YOUR ENCOURAGING WORDS . I REALLY DO FIND THEM UPLIFTING AS SO ARE THE UNDERSTANDING COMMENTS BY OTHERS ON HG.s BLOG NO BODY HAS TO AGREE WITH ANYONE BUT THOUGHTFULNESS &KINDNESS GOES ALONG WAY .. TAKE CARE .
Dearest smarinucci,
Same same, but different my lovely 😊
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Oh, HG, you are telling my story.
The number of times the opportunity for escape came, and I never hesitated to take it for the most part. But he always found a way back to my heart. And it was strong. And I held on. Just never for long enough.
He always convinced me to try again. I wish he hadn’t. I wish he’d let me go.
This time we’ve let each other go. My awareness had been raised and I knew it was a lost cause.
So many things you say ring true … about him, about us. That’s why I’m here. So I can never return, or allow him back into my life. By all accounts, from what I now understand, he doesn’t miss me, never loved me, is probably shacked up with someone new, and all I’ve been left with are the pieces of my heart to pick up again.
That’s also why I’m here. It’s my declaration. Not of love, but of intent … to move on. If I don’t say it somewhere, and have a way of being held to my words, then there’s a good chance I’ll end up back in the same place.
And if I could add one more thing after reading that, as bereft as I feel right now, it’s this … ‘take it from me darlin’, you don’t want a heart’ (Miranda Lambert).
LICKEMTOMORROW. I. SAW .YOUR COMMENT IT TOUCHED ME THIS EVENING IN A WAY THAT MAYBE IT WOULDN’T IN DAYLIGHT. NITETIME MY SENSES ARE MORE ALIVE , TASTE, SMELL, TOUCH , EMOTION. AT 21 YEARS OLD I NEEDED MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY, I REMEMBER MY SURGEON TELLING ME SHARON IT’S LIKE YOU WERE BORN WITH ALL YOUR NERVOUS ON THE OUTSIDE OF YOUR BODY , YOU FEEL TO MUCH . YOU WILL BE HEARTBROKEN SAD AND TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF REPEATEDLY BECAUSE OF THIS TRAIT. I SAID WHY CAN’T I BE LIKE A STEAMROLLER JUST ROLL DOWN EVERYTHING THAT GETS IN THE WAY , LIKE MY BROTHER HE WOULD TAKE THE LAST DROP OF WATER OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. SOOOO HONEY PLEASE NEVER PUT YOURSELF DOWN FOR HAVING A HEART EVEN A BROKEN ONE , AT LEAST YOU CAN FEEL SOME ARE HOLLOW THERE IS NOTHING. MY HEART IS VERY HEAVY TONIGHT WITH FEAR & ANTICIPATION FOR MEDICAL PROCEDURES UPCOMING BUT ALSO GRATEFUL I CAN STILL FEEL ANYTHING BE SAFE SINCERELY S.
Thank you so much, Smarinucci x
And I think often our senses are more alive at night. When the world is going to sleep, we have time to think, and dwell on things. We relax and allow emotions and sensations to overtake us.
I will always be grateful to have a heart, even one that bleeds, and I appreciate the reminder from you today, too. I know you know how that feels. And we keep one another strong.
Fear of medical procedures is always understandable and I hope that you don’t let it weigh you down too much. Their purpose is to help you feel better, even though recovery periods are not always pleasant, so I hope you will feel better soon and let us know that you are well/doing OK.
It just goes to show what a big heart you have to be able to share it here while also going through your own distress.
Thank you and take care.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR HEARTFELT COMMENT. I APPRECIATE ANY KIND OF ASSURANCE THAT LIFE MAY BE BETTER SOON . I’M SO SICK OF PAIN , SURGERIES , I THOUGHT NOW THAT I FINALLY HAD THE TWO TOTAL HIP REPLACEMENTS DONE AND FINALLY WALKING AGAIN I COULD SOMEWHAT START TO LIVE THE LIFE I GOT CHEATED OUT OF BUT NOW THE HIATAL HERNIA STARTS , THE PROCEDURE WAS POSTPONED TWICE ALREADY NOW DR. TELLS ME HE’S GOING IN LOOKING FOR SOMETHING ELSE , LIKE PANCREATIC PROBLEMS. SO FOR NO REASON , IT SEEMS I’VE GAINED 7 POUNDS OF WATER . MY FEET ARE LIKE HAMS THE LEGS THAT LOOKED LIKE RACEHORSE LEGS ARE UNBELIEVABLY BIG SOME WOMAN I KNOW CALL ME. MISS TITS. BOY NOW I REALLY AM , WHERE IS HUGH HEFFNER WHEN I NEED HIM GONE UP TO 44 D SIZE. WATER WEIGHT IN JUST 4 DAYS AND I CAN’T BREATHE WITH LOTS OF PAIN . BUT STILL FEELING POSITIVE , CRACKING JOKES & CATCHING THE YOUNG HANDSOME MENS EYE THANKS HONEY TAKE CARE GOT TO SLEEP NOW 💤👍
You have had a lot to deal with Smarinucci, but two hip replacements and recovery from those puts you ahead of the field. Those are major operations! I’m sorry your troubles are ongoing for now, but you obviously haven’t lost your sense of humour, And Heff obviously didn’t time his death very well 😉
Still catching the young men’s eyes? You’re definitely ahead of the field xox
Hope you get a good rest <3
SMarinucci:
I left you two messages on “Hush,” one recommending a movie and another a book. I don’t know if you saw either, so I thought I’d ping you here.
I wish you the best for your medical procedure. When you feel like blaming yourself, remember that most major religions teach women they’re sinful if they’re not submissive. If you can do some online surfing using the expand font function so you can see better, you’ll find even the mainstream articles in women’s magazines gave marital advice that would raise eyebrows now, but was considered quite acceptable until fairly recently. Looking at vintage magazines is fun but also chilling. I love some of the fashions, but it’s frightening how few options women had.
To be fair, I suspect there were a lot of abused men who hid it because it was embarrassing. People made jokes about henpecked husbands, but of course watching either parent abuse the other, whether physically, verbally, or both, is dreadful for children to witness.
If there’s one thing I like about modern society, despite its flaws, it’s that there seems to be less pressure to fake normal. OTOH, with all the “Internet Influencers” and social media out there, there’s fierce pressure to fake important.
VI. THANKS HONEY I’LL CHECK THAT OUT ON. HUSH. LOVE TO YOU 💃👠
Dear smarinucci1970,
Best wishes on your health sweet lady
You look after yourself and take extra care
We’re always here for you
Much luv
Bubbles xx 😘
I am so sorry for all of your medical problems. 🥺 You have been through enough!! I hope after these last hurdles you are able to get on the right track & feel okay. I hope everything turns around for you soon. It’s wonderful you have your sense of humor. You’re amazing 💖💖💖