Can you hear me knocking? Open the door and let me in? I know you want to. It is only me. You know me. You know me better than anybody else. Come on, I know you are thinking about me. That is what happens. I am on your mind and in your thoughts. I am whirling around in that messed-up mind of yours. It is messed up. I didn’t do it. I didn’t do anything wrong. I never do. It was a real state before I even appeared. I just took advantage. But look, that is in the past and we don’t need to talk about the past (expect I suppose when it suits me). I know you want to hear my voice again don’t you? You miss hearing me. You miss those long conversations on the telephone that we used to have, two hours or more where there was never a lull. I know you remember them. I know you keep looking at your ‘phone hoping that it will ring and that it will be me. I know you feel a phantom buzz when you have stashed your phone on your person and you keep pulling it from your pocket and checking. You tell your friends that your mother needs to speak to you, just so they won’t groan or roll their eyes at you for wanting it to be me. I know you are itching to call me. Go on, why don’t you? You can speak to me again and it will be just like before, all of the wonderful stuff. I will reinstate it in an instant because look, I have had a lot on, I have been tired, I have been worried and so on and so forth blah blah blah. I will trot anything out because once you see me smiling at you, you won’t be listening any more.

No, you will be thinking back to that kiss as we stood in that park with the sound of the breeze through the autumnal trees. That first kiss after the days of flirting through text and call. That magical, marvellous, mesmeric kiss. The first of a million. One in a million. I know you close your eyes and stand in that park and allow yourself to be taken back to that time a year ago. That day when we both drove there and met beneath the towering trees, the September sunshine still warm and I stood there, my magnetic smile on display as you half-ran towards me and I took you in my arms and then we kissed. Imagine doing that again? Oh you have of course. A thousand times.

Send me a text. You may as well. I will answer you and I will put a kiss on the end, just to tempt you. I know your heart will surge when you see that and all thoughts of staying away from me will begin to evaporate on seeing that. Text me. Just one text. It is easy enough. I know you haven’t deleted my number despite the promises you have made to do so. You just could not bring yourself to do it.

Call me. Ring me up and tell me what a bastard I am. Go on. Unleash that anger. Let it out. How many times have you sobbed to your friends about what I did to you? What a cruel and heartless bastard I am. I do not deserve you do I? No, but I deserve being told what I have done to you. You need to get it off your chest don’t you? You should. Go on, just press that button and I will answer you and you can let rip at me. Hey, even better, why not suggest we meet up and then you can have that show down that you have always envisaged. I know you have thought through all the things you have wanted to say to me but feel that I prevented you from saying when I just disappeared and then ignored your frantic attempts to get in touch with me. Tell me how broken I left you. Tell me how your friends hate me too. Tell me how your brother is going to batter me. Go on, I know that anger is still raging through you and you need to let it out. Surely after everything you have put up with you are entitled to one last hurrah?

Make that call late at night. I know you are lying in the dark thinking about me, hands entwined around the shirt I left which still smells of my scent. You know you ought to throw it away or burn it but you just cannot do it can you? You still want that connection. You still want to be able to inhale my fragrance and somehow relish the agonised joy as your mind is flooded with my memory. It is a lonely place now that bed isn’t it? Why not send me a text and we can exchange some saucy messages? Rekindle that fire again. It will make you feel better. I might even be tempted to come and see you and take you in your bed once again and let you experience the magic that I possess. The sex was brilliant wasn’t it? I know you cannot lie about that. I have heard what you have said to people about how you hate me but the sex was off the charts. Let’s do it again. Why not? It will make you feel so much better. Just text me, ring me, message me. You just have to reach out because I know you are dying to.

You may as well flick through those pictures again and smile with regret and longing as they evoke all those momentous times from when we were happy together. So many pictures, so many smiles. Have a look at my Facebook profile again. I did not block you. I would not do that. I want you to see how I am doing. Those messages are for you by the way. I am sure that the cryptic comments that I have posted with those pictures will have been picked up on by you and considered and reflected on. Those were for you. I wanted you to know how much I am missing you and you need your daily fix of stalking my social media. Yes, there was somebody else and I know you will have seen and been distraught to know that she was now receiving my love, my perfect love. How that must have burned inside of you as you realised that somebody else was now the recipient. I knew you would but don’t worry, she isn’t a patch on you so why don’t you come and see me and we can start it all again. I know you want to.

Come and see me. Help me. You are the only one who truly knows me. You know more about me than anybody else. The others, huh, they meant nothing to me. They were aberrations but you, you are the real deal. I love you still. I always have. Just come and see me and I will prove it to you. I will make the changes you want me to do and I know you believe in me. You see the good in me don’t you, you are the one who can let it out and help me. Please help me. I just need to be fixed and you are the one with the tools to do it. There is only you. Please don’t let me down. I need you. I will change. I will be better. I promise. Just come and see me and give me the chance to show you. That is only fair isn’t it? You are a fair person, I know you are, that is why I love you so much.

Come on, just get in touch with me and all this pain can go away. There is no need for it. You just need to press those buttons, dial that number or best of all just turn up. Imagine how romantic it will be. You turning up unexpectedly (but not really) in the rain and I sweep you into my arms again and everything will be good and golden and great once again. Do it. Do it. Give me the dressing down. Come to bed with me. Kiss me again. Tell me how you feel. Offer me forgiveness. Let me know what has happened to you. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Do it. Do it. Get in touch. Reach out. Stop the pain. End the hurt. Bring back the joy. Resurrect us. Ignite the passion. Let love reign. Do it. You can do it. I believe in you. End this agony. Let it go. Berate me. Love me. Chastise me. Fuck me. Hate me. Contact me. Contact me. Contact me.

I can hear my ‘phone ringing.

17 thoughts on “Irresistible

  1. Violetta says:

    “she was now receiving my love, my perfect love. How that must have burned inside of you as you realised that somebody else was now the recipient. I knew you would but don’t worry, she isn’t a patch on you” = “I knew you would but don’t worry, she’ll get the same mistreatment as you when I replace HER, and so on.”

  2. Fiddleress says:

    HG, your work is too effective for this to happen.

    This article gives me confirmation that I am rid of the N even in my mind. I hardly ever think of him now, and my reaction to reading this, shows me that my indifference is not only skin-deep.
    I smiled (a “yeah, you wish” smile) throughout the article, as I thought “no bloody way” (polite version there), “forget about it, N”.
    I don’t even miss our long conversations on the phone, or at his flat. No more crying, no more sadness. No more thinking of him first thing when I wake up.
    Nothing. I feel Nothing for him now.
    Only two or three months ago when I arrived here, I could not have dreamt of this happening so soon.

    So thank you again.

    1. Leigh says:

      Fiddleress, if you don’t mind me asking, how long were you in the relationship with the narc and how long before you finally felt like you moved on?

      I don’t want mine back. No way, no how!! Yet I still have days when I think of him and I’m sad. It’s been over a year since he discarded me. Each day gets better, I just really want to get to the point where all I feel is indifference.

      1. Fiddleress says:

        Hi Leigh

        You will get to that point. We each move on at our own speed, but you will. You are in the best of places for this, as I am sure you know.

        It was probably easier for me because just under 10 months went by from the day I met him until the day I escaped and knew I would not accept to see him again. It still took me another two weeks after that to block him for good, until I found narcsite (mid-February).
        Also, I have a history of escaping from Ns, starting with my own mother, so I had some experience in the matter!

        I would say that I realised I have moved on only very recently, less than 2 weeks. One week is sure: I have been able to laugh my head off when I think of some of the things that happened and that he said, since last week.
        Also, I was scared 2 weeks ago at the thought of bumping into him downtown as lockdown has been lifted, but now I don’t care. I prefer not to catch sight of him, but I do not think I will be devastated if I do.

        Still, it is true that I could not have expected to get better so quickly. Back in January, I was in such a state that the thought of ending my life crossed my mind. Such a thought would have been inconceivable for me before. I really scared myself shitless.
        I kept wondering how on earth I could be in such a state after such a short relationship.
        Now I think it was due to the accumulation of narcs in my life before, and the presence still of another (not romantic), that had worn down my resistance to abuse.

        I try to promote HG’s work whenever and wherever I can, because I am absolutely convinced that it works.
        Leigh, have you listened to “The Final Battle” yet, from the Knowledge Vault? It worked wonders for me!
        May I also ask you how long you were in your relationship for?

        1. Leigh says:

          I’ve known him for 7 & 1/2 years. After 3 years he started to pursue me. It took 2 years for me to give in and then when I finally gave in, we were intimate for a year and a half. Then he discarded me over a year ago.

          We work together so I can’t truly escape him yet. That’s why I so desperately want to get to places where I feel indifference. I’m getting there, slowly but surely. Its just taking much longer than I expected.

          I try to utilize this blog and the resources as much as I can.
          My finances put in a position where I can utilize as much as I would truly like too though. Mr. Tudor and this blog has been a tremendous help and I am extremely grateful.

          Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad to hear you are in a better state of mind now. It gives me hope.

          1. Fiddleress says:

            Leigh – having to see him still at work, that’s hard. No Wonder it is taking time for you. As good as I am feeling now where Nex is concerned, I am still keeping away from the places I know he often goes to, because I can and I know it is best for now and the next few months.
            Sending plenty of support your way.

          2. Leigh says:

            Thank you Fiddleress. Thankfully, he has never tried to resurrect the formal relationship. Which is 100% ok with me. He tries to hoover every once in awhile but that’s just to try and get me to react, which I usually don’t. He always want to try and prove to me that he’s a nice guy. I know that’s just facade maintenance. Thank you for your support. Every little bit of support helps.

    2. Blackcoffee30 says:

      This is where I want to be! ❤️ I’m happy for you.

      1. Fiddleress says:

        Thank you Blackcoffee30.
        You seem to be a fighter (from what I have read of your posts, a perfect quad-hybrid E, probably of the Saviour cadre to boot? Just like me if such is the case, then, hehe!). You will get there. With HG’s work as a weapon of mass destruction of Ns in our lives. Except HG, of course.

        In fact, would you say that being here and able to interact with you, HG, works like methadone for junkies? We have a substitute, a doppelganger, so the (romantic) N in our real life get be forgotten about?

        1. Violetta says:

          I have to admit, compared to HG, Wannabe Playuh-Narc was a rank amateur. I’m almost embarrassed I got addicted to such an unsubtle specimen.

        2. Fiddleress says:

          OOhh, I’d better get my English back into shape, and fast : “so we forget about the (romantic) Ns in our lives.”

  3. truthseeker6157 says:

    Can’t stop crying now. For her, for me, for all. Bravo. Well done. Cheers from the adoring crowd.
    You lot have a lot to answer for.
    At some point I know I’ll turn. And that’ll be it. I’ll feel nothing at all for him. Problem is, hope is not quite extinguished yet. So for today, I’ll let the tears fall.

  4. heloiseandabelarde says:

    Oh dear, this article…counterproductive? Whoa!

  5. Empath007 says:

    I can’t even begin to count how many times this article has helped me. Especially of late, since the pandemic has really messed with my psyche… I was FINALLY doing quite well…. and suddenly excuse after excuse kept flooding to the fore front of my mind to contact him. I came here instead. And when I read this article… I feel validated with my choice.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      HG approves.

  6. blackcoffee30 says:

    I can hear the rattlesnake hiss and rattle when I see that pic!

    Just yesterday I finally deleted his number, texts, emails, voicemails and pictures from everything. I don’t want to tempt myself!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well done, you applied logic.

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