I think I have said enough. I wish you would think the same. You have never shut up asking me about my day at work as I try to watch the sport on television. On and on you have gone asking question after question. It makes me wonder why you are so bloody interested. Fishing for something are you? Trying to catch me out? You won’t do that. I am cleverer than you. Much cleverer. What I do at work is nothing to do with you and you won’t find out about my plans there until such time as I decide that you should know. And it isn’t time, so I wish you would just be quiet and let me watch this game. You keep on going, talking over my television viewing which tells me that you regard my viewing experience as unimportant and that tells me you obviously think I am not important and you really ought to know by now that I am important. I hate you doing this. I can feel the burning from your selfish and treacherous action and it is paining me, but I know what to do. I know how to stop this pain and believe me I am going to do it and do it now.
You never know when to shut up do you? I suppose you think you are being pleasant asking me how my day has been, but you don’t care, you just do it for the sake of appearances, to make you look good, the caring and interested partner. I know your game. I have you worked out, you are a fraud. Yap, yap, yap,like some irritating puppy around my ankles, on and on you go. Just shut up will you? I cannot concentrate with your wasp like buzzing around me.
“How is the new recruit getting on?”
“How is the project developing?”
“Where did you go for that business lunch? Was it good? What did you have to eat? Who was it with?”
Just shut up. No, you are still chattering away. I don’t think you are even waiting for an answer are you? Just asking questions to seem like you are involving me in the conversation when all you are doing is engaging in another of your pointless and egotistical monologues. Do you know how boring you sound? If I wasn’t trying to concentrate on this match I think I would slip into a coma listening to you drone on with your worthless opinions and your anodyne observations.
Just shut up. No? Very well. I will. No, I am not saying anything. I am not even going to nod, shake my head or make an affirmative grunt. Nothing. A total silence.
My goodness me, you have stopped. Perhaps you have remembered that you need to breathe? Ah, excellent you have noticed that I no longer appear to be listening. Believe me, I am listening and I am doing so with considerable attentiveness, because I need to listen to what is coming my way. Let me guess, I think you will lead with “are you listening to me?” any second now and yes, there it is as predicted. I am not going to answer. Go on, repeat the question and true to form you do so. Now I have your attention haven’t I? I can see you from the corner of my eye as I stare at the screen pretending that the figures running around with the ball are more interesting than you. They are not because what you are starting to do is what I am interested in. I can see you leaning forward, trying to catch my eye. I know you are there but I am not going to acknowledge you. Sometimes you throw something towards me to get my attention, usually a cushion. It is not a nasty action,not like when I throw things at you. That reminds me, I must replace that coffee mug which I hurled at you. You were light on your toes that day as it sailed past and smashed against the wall. Anyway, that was last week and this is now and I can hear you asking the question a third time. Will it be the cushion? No, you have chosen to stand up instead. Gosh, you must be looking to assert some authority from the get go.
“I am talking to you.”
I know that you are but I am not answering you but already I can hear the mounting irritation in your voice and already I can feel the flames rising inside of me as they burn away the cold, harsh iciness of your criticism. That pain is already receding.
“Will you answer me please?”
No I will not. I have to turn my head so you do not see my smirk at your attempt to be commanding. It amuses me. I can see your hands move to your hips and I half expect you to stamp the ground with your foot.
“What’s the matter? Why won’t you answer me?”
The voice rises higher, signalling your anxiety and frustration and the flames continue to build inside of me. I maintain the stony faced expression, ink black eyes staring at the screen. I can see the movement on the television but it as if I am watching it from very far away as all that I am concentrating on now is your voice and the continuing delicious flaming sensation that is sweeping across me.
“Why are you not answering me?”
The questions have altered now haven’t they? A switch from your nosiness about my work to you now asking why I have fallen silent. You can keep asking and I know you will. You will go on for some time. You will storm out of the room trying to force a response from me, but your slammed door just keeps the flames burning. You will come back in. you always do. You will return contrite and apologising although you won’t know what you are trying to apologise for. Still, that won’t stop you going through a carousel of reasons in the hope of breaking my silence.
“Did I upset you?”
“Did I say something wrong?”
“Did I not listen to you?”
“Did I say something offensive?”
“Please, what did I do wrong?”
“Please will you just talk to me?”
“I hate this. I hate falling out. What is that I have done?”
Every time you ask these questions, the pain and concern in your voice keeps adding to the sense of power that I am feeling. The wound you created has long since closed and now I am savouring the growing power that courses through me. You have no idea what you are doing as you try, as you always do, to make things right. I will stay seated here, not even looking at you. You won’t try and stand in front of me whilst I am watching the television. You will not dare do that or switch it off. You remember what happened last time when you did that don’t you and I know you won’t be in a hurry to experience that again. I can sit and revel in my power over you and you just keep adding to it with your pitiful and plaintive questions. You will try to find out what is wrong, you will blame yourself next and start to apologise as you scramble to guess what it is that you have done wrong in the hope that you stumble on the right subject matter and make things right. But you will fail. Then you move on to trying to bribe me into speaking to you, suggesting we go out, or my friends come round for drinks tomorrow night or that you will cook me something special. Keep at it, I won’t respond. I will not even look at you. You are completely invisible to me as far as you are concerned.
I wonder how long I will maintain this silence with you? You haven’t worked out what to do yet, I am pleased to say. You keep on asking, pestering and questioning, driven by your own anxiety that causes you to want to ascertain what has happened and make things right. This means you might break off for half an hour but then you resume, trying a different tack. If all you knew you had to so was do exactly what I am doing and it would stop. Go silent and get on with what you want to do and I will start speaking to you and acknowledging you once again as I consider a different manipulation to use against you to gather my precious fuel. Fortunately, your empathic nature which means you want to understand and you want to fix and heal, will make you hang in there and all the while you provide me with fuel and power me. So long as you do so, so long the silence will continue.
Beat the narcissist and avoid the above scenario
The Virtues of Keeping Your Mouth Shut
21 thoughts on “Shut Up!”
I’m struggling to see how asking questions about your day is an egotistical monologue. I would think you would want to talk about yourself. Isn’t that part of the dynamic?
Maybe you could help me understand, HG.
If you go silent, I’ll know you consider this an egotistical monologue and I won’t repeat the question 😛
Living and learning.
You are painted black, everything you do is viewed through the black lens. You asking questions is labelled as “an egotistical monologue” (insult) because from the Narcissist´s Perspective, it is. Remember, from YOUR perspective it is not, but you make the mistake of imposing your perspective on the behaviour of the narcissist and think we see things the way you do. See Understanding the Narcissistic Perspective.
Elementary error, people think it is always about the narcissist i.e. he or she will always want to talk about themselves. No, it is always about the narcissist (´s control) and if that is achieved by talking about ourselves, that will be done, if that is achieved by saying nothing (that will be done).
Dear HG, thank you so much. I was wondering why the latest one- “Ted Bundy”- was such a supportive listener and didn’t rant in monologues. I would even cut him off when he was talking and he would stop talking and listen.
Well, thank you so much, HG.
And that makes so much sense now you have explained it. I wasn’t taking into account being painted black, but I did make the elementary mistake of not taking the narcissist perspective into account. I will definitely take a look at the recommended article. It can be so hard to grasp, but you seem to have grasped our thinking quite well. You know how we think and feel. I’m working hard to do the same.
And the control. I understand that now that you have put it in those terms. Control is all important.
The narcissist is running the show and that is the way (from their perspective) it needs to be.
A loosening of the reigns is too much to ask.
YES I UNDERSTAND. WE ARE APPLIANCES. WITH ON & OFF SWITCH. LIKE WITH GENE I WAS VERY YOUNG THING .ON THE ARM OF A MAN 25 YEARS OLDER THEN I .TOLD NOT TO SPEAK BUT ALL MADE UP , IN HIS DEAD MOTHERS FURS AND RHINESTONES NOT TO TALK OR FEEL , JUST SHOW OFF , GENE WAS ALSO AN ENTERTAINER GIFTED MUSICIAN. I JUST WANTED TO STAYIN OUR APARTMENT BE WITH OUR DOGGY WELL HIS DOGGY . BUT LIKE I SAID APPLIANCES THATs WE ARE TO THEM ESPECIALLY THE CEREBRAL NARC THANKS I’M RUNNING OUT THE DOOR FOR BLOOD WORK AND CHEST EX RAYS. Bye 🎶🎹
I hope all goes well at the doc.
Yes I know many who are ‘good listeners’. I’d say they are much better at control than the ones who just spiel constant drivel and just bore the living daylights out of most people.
I’m black! Huzzah!!
Hi lick’em yea that shut up thing I really get a kick out of it the LESSER narc. I’ve known for the last few years after Gene died ,one day I was just so Overjoyed about everything the weather was perfect my cat had good news at the vet I was looking very very good at that time just short time ago , feeling great I was telling one of my stories about my writing I do some writing on the side children stories , animal stories , LESSER NARC does have a very short attention span and I was telling him something that I thought was very interesting, it was captivating to the other people around me then I looked at his face looked like hate coming out of his eyes and I said oh, I’m sorry I do get carried away sometimes ,after my stroke at 35 I couldn’t speak I couldn’t even say my own name and losing the vision in one eye and then when I regained some vision I could go back to work at the publishing company I could speak somewhat .I said to lessor narc ,oh please forgive me when I get all excited and happy about something this is what happens I go into detail and he had the nerve in front of everyone to look directly at me and said ,do you think you could have another one meaning. The t i a stroke he looked right at me and said do you think you could have another one,wow everyone was shocked . they’re all pretty decent people probably a few narcs there in the crowd but they were intelligent narcs they were highly educated .I thought of them as my friends even they were shocked by El creepo yes , that’s what they do they want you to shut up . moan when I say moan , cry when I make you cry, laugh now I don’t want you to laugh, be happy I don’t want that either, feel pain lots of pain wow what a learning education into the mind of hell but I use it for my benefit I really do now. take care of yourself my dear .friends ⚘🇺🇸
Smarnucci, wow, just wow to the comment he made … that one just goes straight to the heart 🙁
What a monster!
That is definitely a comment designed to shut you up, and in the most devastating fashion.
I’m very sorry you had to experience that. You didn’t deserve it. I’m sure you know that now.
So many years I played this game! Then one day I stopped. I didn’t care any more. And the behaviour stopped. I figured that I had four children to look after and didn’t need to mother him also! It did take me another 15 years or so to leave, and he is desparate to have me back. I will never fall into that hole again. Why repeat old mistakes when there are so many new ones to make?
Welcome KJ and even though it took you a long time (and you are not alone in that) you made the logical choice, you cannot win at this game therefore stop playing it. Win the battle by leaving the battle field. Well done.
OH .YES 45 YEARS LIKE THIS WITH GENE . YOU’RE DAMED IF YOU DON’T ASK , HONEY HOW DO YOU FEEL TONIGHT? ESPECIALLY AFTER THAT SNEEZING ATTACK HOW DOES YOUR STOMACH FEEL THIS MORNING AFTER THAT BAKED MANICOTTI AT THE RESTAURANT I BROUGHT TO? IF I DIDNT ASK THEN 3 DAYS OF SILENT TREATMENT . THAT I JUST COULDN’T BARE , AT THAT TIME.IF I DID ASK, I WAS MOTHERING HIM INTERFERING. IOO TIMES A DAY , DAY AFTER WEEK AFTER MONTH AFTER YEAR . SHAR .DID YOU IRON MY SHIRTS? NO GENE, YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO BRING THEM TO THE CLEANERS. FOR A MORE .PROFESSIONAL JOB . SHAR YOU IRONED MY SHIRTS .RIGHT ? YES , WHY?YOU YELLED AT ME FOR NOT DOING THEM . YOU. TOLD ME IF I DIDNT DOIT THEN I DIDNT LOVE YOU .PLEASE MAKE UP YOUR F—— MIND GENE . HE MADE ME SO NERVOUS ALL THE TIME ABOUT EVERYTHING ALL I DID WAS CRY JUST A BABY 18 .. COMING FROM A FATHER WHO DID THIS TO MOM & I . MY HUSBAND WAS NOT LIKE HIM , SOCIOPATHIC NARCISSIST NO GENE WAS FOR MORE CEREBRAL. PLAYED HEAD GAMES MIND GAMES DAILY. THIS IS WHAT WE DID WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE BOUGHT A HOME , HAD BABIES, WENT ON VACATIONS. I JUST COULDN’T WIN . NOW I WIN I’M STILL HERE GENE GOD TOOK YOU AT 88. BUT THE DAMAGE IS DONE MAYBE YOU WON .
I don’t believe anyone wins Sharon. You survived it, and with your new knowledge of what was happening to you, get a chance to live differently now – in peace. He does not have that choice and would not have taken it anyway. Don’t let him take the rest of your days from his grave. Live like the Sharon that wanted things to be different when he was still here.
NARC ANGEL THANK YOU , INDEED NO WINNERS BUT MAYBE I CAN NOW GET ON WITH MY WRITING ( CHILDREN & ANIMAL STORIES ), WHICH I LOVE SO MUCH.BUT HEALTH ISSUES ON THE 10TH MEDICAL NONSENSE AGAIN . I CAN. FINALLY WALK AND HERE WE GO . ITS ALL FROM BEING KNOCKED AROUND AS A LITTLE SHIT BUT H.G. TUDOR AND SOME OF THE WONDERFUL FOLLOWERS HERE CERTAINLY GOD AND DEFINITELY ALL ANIMALS KEEP ME GOING 💋👠💯
I have said before that I cannot imagine what you went through. However, Gene didn’t win, you did because he is gone and you are finally free. I am glad you post of your experience because it has helped me and others, but more importantly, I hope it helps you to heal by “getting it all out” and realizing that you were a victim and are worthy of so much more. I truly feel your pain and really want you to be able to eventually put your past where it belongs, in the past, and enjoy life for you.
That was so beautifully said, Kristin. I agree. Getting it all out is so important and helps us to move from victim to survivor to overcomer. We’re all moving in the same direction, and with HGs help and one another’s support we will get there <3
Thank you. I have said many times, HG, this site and its many participants are a God send. I do believe I would be in a padded cell by now without all of the knowledge and support. 😊
If you haven’t bought this, you must. I’m glad I did as it helped me understand and protect my sanity.