5 Myths About the Narcissist
There is too much incorrect information about narcissism. It is misleading, incomplete and often even dangerous.
I read views propounded about me and my kind, with interest but a weary familiarity with regard to the common errors that will be made. There are some intelligent and well-reasoned observations about what we do and why we do it, although they are not new.. Other views are purely driven by the understandable anger and hurt that is engendered in people by us, although as I have repeatedly sought to explain, when one operates through emotion, poor decisions are made and the clear picture is not observed. I also frequently come across comments which are made about us which are inaccurate. I am not referring to the disagreement one might have in terms of an ad hominem attack against us. Many people consider us to be arseholes and bastards. I understand that viewpoint, many of my kind would disagree, but it is not that kind of value judgement that makes its way to becoming a myth about us.
There are other more important misconceptions. As part of my ongoing work in explaining what we are, why we do what we do and your involvement in this narcissistic dynamic, it is just as important to explain what we are, as detail what we are not. With that purpose in mind, I turn to five myths about our kind so you can continue to receive the best information and understanding, from me. Time to slay some myths.
- We have no emotions
This view has gained some traction owing to the fact that my kind function with a considerable emptiness inside of us. The existence of this void can cause people to believe that because we are a shell and a husk that we are devoid of emotions. The fact that we feed off other people’s emotions also supports the view that we have none of our own. We need to steal the emotions that other people experience to enable us to feel.
The fact is that we do experience and feel certain emotions. We experience annoyance, anger and rage. Indeed, the churning fury which is always there beneath the surface, ready to be ignited, is a prevailing emotion of ours. We know boredom, disgust and loathing. We are very familiar with jealousy, envy, shame and hatred. Malice, malevolence, anticipation, contempt, aggression and power are further ones. Our stable of emotions is dominated by negative emotions. These are the ones which have been allowed to develop and that is because the force behind these emotions has been harnessed to allow us to achieve our aims. Our hatred for being devoid of fuel, drives us on to extract it. Our disgust at weakness causes us to always want to maintain superiority and strength. It is these emotions which make us effective and ruthless.
By contrast we do not experience joy or happiness, sadness or regret, serenity or love, remorse or guilt. These are alien to us along with others. We either have never known them or they have been stripped from us in order to allow us to operate with greater effectiveness, free from encumbrance and hindrance. We understand emotions because we want yours directed towards us. We understand how to mimic them and we understand when they should be exhibited (although some of our kind are better at this than others) but ultimately we do experience some emotions, just nowhere near as much as you.
- Copying us infuriates us
No it does not. If we are angry with you and shouting, if you decide to mirror this behaviour, all you are doing is providing us with fuel. If you parrot what we say to you, if there is any emotion attached to it, even if it is said with sarcasm, a sneer or contempt, it is fuel. If you decide to fall silent because we have, we may realise that the silent treatment is not reaping the fuel that we expected, but it does not infuriate us. Instead, we will just switch to a different form of manipulation in order to cause you to provide us with fuel. You find it hard after a while to keep mirroring what we are doing, your emotional capacity is such that it usually breaks through in some form and thus fuel is provided. We also recognise what you are doing and if you are giving us fuel, we will let you continue to mirror us. If you are not, your mirroring is not a criticism therefore there is no wounding, but we will shift to a different behaviour to bring forth the fuel.
- We miss you when you are gone
No, we miss your fuel, not you. That is what we miss most of all. We may also miss the traits that we were able to steal from you and also the residual benefits that you provided. It is something that victims of our kind find very difficult to accept. Surely some of what we said and did was genuine? It seemed that way, so surely it must have been? It must be the case that we liked somethings that you did? We did; the fuel, the traits and the residual benefits. We did not care about whether you were humorous, save that your sense of humour was appropriated by us for the purpose of making us seem better with other people. The radiant smile is only missed because it gave us fuel. Your extensive knowledge about wine was again another trait which made us look better.
Not only is it only these things that we miss when you are gone, the simple fact remains that if we discarded you, we decided that you were no longer worth the effort in keeping around and in most cases, we had identified and seduced a replacement. With this person in place, we focus on them, only turning to you to dole out Malign Follow-Up Hoovers (or Benign ones later when the replacement begins to turn stale). There is little doubt that you loved us with everything that you had, that you thought the world of us and nobody could have done for us what you did, but that is all from your perspective. Once we have discarded you, that all counts for nothing. You became a malfunctioning appliance and you have been replaced. We miss nothing about you.
If you escape, we will miss the three items that I detailed above and indeed we will look to recover them through the Initial Grand Hoover and Follow-Up Hoovers but do not think that our protestations of being unable to live without you, how we cannot imagine another day with you and we miss you so much, have anything to do with you as a person. They do not. We are unable to live without your fuel, we cannot imagine another day without using your traits and miss your residual benefits so much. All of these declarations, pleas, begging gestures and so forth are only designed to recover the three principle reasons we attach you. You can tell yourself that we miss you terribly if it makes you feel better but you are misleading yourself.
- We hate being alone
We need people. There is no doubt about that. We need people because we need the three principle benefits, chief amongst which is fuel, but that is not the same as saying we hate to be alone. In this instance, there is a degree of truth in the above statement but it requires considerable qualification. If we have been well-fueled we are able to be alone, engage in solitary activities and spend time in our own company without difficulty. Of course, the longer this goes on, eventually our fuel level drops and we will need to seek out people, but we do not hate being alone in such a situation.
Furthermore, the advantages of technology mean that although we may not be physically proximate to somebody, the advantages of Skype, text messages, telephone calls and even hand-written letters allows us to be on our own but in contact with many fuel sources. Add to this Thought Fuel and you have a situation whereby we can be physically isolated but with such connections we can manage perfectly well extracting all of these variable fuel types.
Remove such connections however and in a situation when our fuel levels are already low and we are physically isolated with no means of contacting people and that is when you shall see that we hate to be alone.
- We have a conscience
We do not. We think only of ourselves, our needs and how each situation can benefit us. We may appear to exhibit a conscience in order to con people and this is something more witnessed with the Mid-Range and Greater Narcissist, in order to fit in to a situation and people’s expectations but we have been created without a need for a conscience. If we had one, we would not be able to trample on people in the way we do. We would not be able to always be moving forward, never caring for what has gone before us. If ever you witness a situation where one of our kind appears to have had our conscience pricked, all it means is that we see an advantage in pretending that this is the case and we wish to dupe you and others for our own benefit.
59 thoughts on “5 Myths About the Narcissist”
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When you say “shame and hatred..” Does this mean a narcissist can feel shame ? That shocks me considering that would be a negative emotions towards themselves and not others.
Some. See “Your Fault”.
You’re so smart, HG. Great post.
Thank you.
The part I’m struggling to get is the humour part……Can anyone expand on that? …….
dolly,
what are you not getting about humour?
My narcissist had a good sense of humour. And also appeared to enjoy and crave my humour, as at times it can be quite dark…..I know i could put it down to being fuel from me putting the effort in to entertain him. But are we really saying narcs don’t like to laugh, or have the ability to enjoy humour?
From my experience some narcs can be very witty, and the humour also dark. That would suit their mindset, though I’m not averse to the use of dark humour. The ones who I’ve come into contact with in this respect are more often than not cerebral in nature, though HG, I’m sure, could give us a lot more insight into this. Their humour is also designed to insert an element which shows them to be superior in some way – the wit is cutting and precise. In this sense it is not meant to be ‘inclusive’, but ‘exclusive’. It’s a ‘look at me’ type of humour.
Correct me if I’m wrong, HG! But, some narcs use this as a way to draw attention to themselves and revel at the response to their wit. That’s probably what I mean by exclusive.
Once again, it’s all about them.
Lickem and Dolly
Put Game For a Laugh in the search bar.
l.e.t., that is NarcX to a tee, though he was also really good at community humor. He always knew his audience and how to best play them.
dollysupreme,
This is what HG means by N’s stealing character traits. They learn how to laugh, what is considered funny by watching.
NarcAngel suggests an article to read. It should clear up any confusion on humour and your N.
I studied my morals in romances, my opinions amongst the philosophers, and even sought amongst our most severe moralists, what was required of us.—Thus I was ascertained of what one might do, how one ought to think, and the character one should assume. Thus fixed on those three objects, the last only offered some difficulties in the execution: I hoped to conquer them; I ruminated on the means.
I began to be disgusted with my rustic pleasures; they were not sufficiently variegated for my active mind, and felt the necessity of coquetry to reconcile me to love; not really to be sensible of it, but to feign it, and inspire it in others. In vain I have been told, and had read, that this passion was not to be feigned. I saw clearly, that to acquire it, it was sufficient to blend the spirit of an author with the talent of a comedian. I practised those two characters, and perhaps with some success; but, instead of courting the vain applause of the theatre, I determined to turn what so many others sacrificed to vanity, to my own happiness
-Laclos, Dangerous Liaisons
Game for a laugh is a great article. Picturing HG laughing behind his office door made me laugh myself because I could picture him doing it.
I’m terrible really. I laugh at misfortune as well.
My boyfriend at uni took me out for dinner one time and hit his head on a beam as we were being shown to our table. He hit it so hard he actually took a couple of steps back. That made it worse. I set off laughing and couldn’t stop. He wasn’t best pleased funnily enough.
I don’t think I’m going to get into heaven, or if I am, I’m going to have to blag my way in.
Many thanks for your insights and comments. I shall read up on what’s been suggested .
I told my narc on many occasions that I missed him when we were apart. He only said it to me once. But he said it without prompting. Prior to that, I was always waiting for him to reciprocate and every time left disappointed. At the time I said to him ‘that is the first time you have ever said that to me’ and remember thinking it was ‘progress’. I was both surprised and delighted.
Right now, though, my eyes are filling with tears at the remembrance and emotional thinking is taking over.
I really wish he meant it when he said it.
Time to take a break.
Awwwwww 💖💖💖 I know how you feel. It will go away sweetie. The last time I had an ET setback, I corrected it & now I don’t want my ex anymore. I know how it feels when you feel lost in your pain & it all feels so real/raw all over again, but you WILL get out of it!! 💖💖💖
Ashley,
I believe, correct me if I am wrong, when you got here, as most of us were, you were very distresssed. One of the most distressed I have seen.
I think it is great that you are getting over your ET and that you feel secure enough in it that you can reinforce to others that there is a way out.
Aww thank you Kim e, that is very kind of you to say. 💖💖
Thank you so much, Ashley xox
It helps to be reminded the pain will go away. It’s held me fast on a number of occasions over the last couple of months, but I guess in that sense it hasn’t been very long and I need to be gentle with myself. I expected this pain which always comes with loss. Another thing I have to go through and can’t go around. But, I will get to the other side. Most certainly with HGs help and the other wonderful empaths here, too. I’m sorry you had to go through the same thing and appreciate your encouraging words again today. They give me hope <3
I have begun to emerge from my cocoon this week and have re entered a sphere of influence which is probably generating some emotional thinking on my part, too. Hopefully my time spent here will keep me safe.
Lickemtomorrow,
Hey you. Struggling a bit huh? Keep reading, keep researching. Some articles can hit home hard can’t they? If they do, it’s ok to stop reading, book mark and come back to them later, when you are having a stronger day.
Good days, bad days, normal. I’m a bit the same. Had a real wobble the other day talking about things even on here. Do only what is right for you. I’m glad you said earlier you needed a break and then went offline. Good for you. Everyone gets it here, we can wait to finish a conversation, no one will blame you for that.
You are in the right place here. Just make sure you are in the right place when you are off here too. No point placing yourself in situations you aren’t ready for yet.
Thinking about you x
Thank you so much TS6157. I remember you saying you needed to pull out of a bit of a nosedive the other day and I understood. Some of these posts really do hit home and time out can help us reign in that emotional thinking that HG talks about.
The death of an acquaintance was what led me to re enter a sphere of influence, and it’s one I would have been looking to re enter regardless, thought I didn’t know when. So far, so good. Just doing what I have to do and keeping all HGs insights in mind. I agree with not placing myself in situations I’m not ready for yet. I’ll be monitoring myself as best as possible.
Appreciate your thoughts xox
I am so glad that I could encourage you. ❤❤ One day you will feel like “I’ve had enough of this. Would I want to be around someone who treats me like XYZ? Absolutely not!” It helps me to listen to the programs here & to also remember that how I was treated during devaluation (not the golden period!!) is what I would be treated like if I were with him now. I take note of the ways I was treated that I didn’t like & say this is ridiculous, I’d be in a gilded cage of never-ending scrutiny. Then emotionally let go again & fly out of the proverbial cage! 😀❤
You are so right, Ashley <3
Thank you, again 🙂
I think we all wish everything they said was true dear LET.
ET is crippling to some empaths and you sound like you are one of those empaths, I’m sorry for your pain but I know you will work through it and come out stronger in the end!
We do have one narcissist that is true to his word, HG! Eat, drink, and sleep the information that he gives us and that ET will soon be won over by logic! Be good to yourself sweetie. 😘💞
Thank you FM1T, I appreciate your kind and encouraging words. Having others who are confident of the outcome is reassuring.
Logic is where it’s at, and it’s coming at me hard and fast. In that sense, the old emotional thinking doesn’t stand a chance!
So, I fully intend to do what you suggest and imbibe all I can as a means to fight the good fight and hopefully come out victorious.
There are battalions here that I will be hoping to join when I do <3
You will be victorious LET! 🥰
🙂 I surely hope so x
@lickemtomrrow I just wanted to offer my condolences on your loss of an acquaintance. I know how that messes with everything you’re trying to do here. I lost one of my best friends from years ago around the same time as you experienced your loss and I noticed how vulnerable this causes me to become and that’s when a narc will enter the picture for me. I hope you’re better about it now, a month later. How about a group hug??? lol. Everyone in? HG? Oh HG, think of all of that nice, positive hugging fuel. LOL! Hey, hands to yourselves now. 😉 Peace.
Ah, thank you Cadavera x
I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your friend and I hope you are doing OK. It takes time and longer when you are close to the person. And it definitely makes you more vulnerable, as in it can be an emotional time and that, of course, is perfect timing for the narcissist to make his/her entry again. They can smell it, like blood in the water!
Cue Jaws music 😛
But, seriously, it’s a time when you want to make sure you’ve also got your defences in place. Thanks to the blog my awareness was well and truly raised. It’s kept me safe so far and I’ve even been able to take the deletion of the narc from my life a little bit further since then.
Now about that group hug 🙂 I’d love to give everyone a hug, though I’d say HG would be fairly resistant! Then again, being surrounded by a group of adoring empaths might be right up his alley, even if it meant giving the empaths what they want for a change with a bit of close physical contact.
LOL to the ‘hands to yourself’ 😉
Peace to you to, my friend <3
Awe. We’ve all had those moments I am sorry. Let the moment come and then let it pass.
At least he said he missed you. Mines reply to this sentiment was “I missed your body”…. which actually turned me on…. even though it was totally insulting haha.
Haha, 007, your empathic honesty reigns supreme in this post 😉
Thanks for you kind words and I understand now that him saying that and actually meaning it are two different things. But from our perspective it means something.
Coming from a narc’s perspective, your narc’s response was probably more sincere.
I hope you’re having a lovely day xox
Ha ! Almost. Woulda been completely honest if he replaced body with fuel. And in bed… there’s no denying I give great fuel😉
Hey… empaths should put that on their dating profile
“ I give great fuel “ 😂 let’s see how many narcs we freak out 😂
LMFAO 😛
The narcs would have a field day!
‘Fill her up’ … I can just see it now.
We know better than to give them what they want, though 😉
Empath007:
Ooh, the Ed Sheeran approach. “I’m in love with your bahh-deee…”
Gee, sorry the rest of me didn’t meet your standards.
Well jokes on him cause I wasn’t insulted at all 😂
Ed Sheehan approach made me laugh! Thanks for that!
Is that not some sort of rehash of John Mayer’s “Your Body is a Wonderland?”
Gosh, he is so pukey.
It’s similar yes lol. I like Ed Sheehan though because he is an Empath !
This post was extremely helpful. I’m curious:
“We may also miss the traits that we were able to steal from you and also the residual benefits that you provided.”
How does a narcissist *steal* traits from their victim and why would it disappear when they are gone. Wouldn’t the exposure to a trait allow you just to mimic it in the future?
By passing the traits off as our own or claiming credit for them. “Yes, my wife got appointed to the board of XYC PLC, of course she was only able to do it through my connections.”
They may be able to utilise the traits in the future of course, but not always, since there is a risk of rebuttal if the narcissist is no longer with that person. Furthermore, by no longer being with you, we are less reminded of the existence of those traits to keep stealing them.
Thank you. 🙂
This explains SO MUCH. I always thought the “trait” was specific to personality… such as smiley all the time or humorous. Is this part of the reason a narcissist likes to put victims on a pedestal ? They feel as though the success of their victim is directly attributed to them ?
I don’t mean this in a rude way by any means… but do some narcissists do this because certain types (lower, mid range) are generally incapable of achieving the level of success they would want for themselves ? So they put it all on their victim, and then become jealous and try and tear them down ?
In essence, yes.
You just made my entire day !!!!! That SOB was jealous of me!
Brought me back to reality…especially the missing us part. We really are nothing but a means to an ends.
More reason to get the F’er out of my head.
Not the dead unicorn again! 😫
Double dead.
Glitter is a strong defense. Poor, plain unicorn!
I washed the glitter away. Bwahahaha!
HG:
I hope the unicorn pooped glitter all over your secret garden before you offed it.
Serves you right for scaring it shitless.
It had no knowledge of the garden because, hey, it was secret. I did tell it as I offed it though, that I would ensure his horn would be put to good use as a backscratcher.
Oh HG! That is terrible!
Stop it and behave yourself.
What did that poor unicorn ever do to you?!
MB,
As soon as I saw it again my thoughts went straight to you.
RIP sweet unicorn 😢
It’s my ever presence FM1T! I’m alive and sparkling though. I ain’t about that dead life!! Ha ha
You just keep sprinkling that glitter girl! 😘💞
I prefer to think the unicorn is just tired and waiting for your magical glitter to recharge batteries, MB!
That’s just emotional thinking SP
Yes, good emotional thinking invested in two magical creatures!
She needs a good hair brushing too, but I can’t risk the dungeon to revive her lest I get captured!
Go ahead MB take the chance! The dungeon isn’t as bad as y’all think it is.