I Remember



The chime of my ‘phone alerted me to the arrival of a text. There was nothing unusual in that. Scores arrive daily and this rises to beyond a hundred and more when the glorious seduction has commenced of a fresh, prime target. I looked over with half-interest to my ‘phone and see a name which attracted a greater level of interest. It is from Jane. An ex. One of the many exes. I stopped what I was doing and reached for my ‘phone and opened up the message.

“It would be 2 years today x”

A flame rose inside of me at this sudden provision of fuel. Even better it was unsolicited. Goodness me, would it have been two years? How time flies. The power flowed, generated by this welcome dollop of fuel. Dear Jane, always the one for remembering dates. She sent me a card and a gift to mark 1 month together. She pole-danced for me to commemorate one month since we first had sex (no the pole-dance and the card and gift were on different dates, just in case you were wondering. I am a gentleman after all).

She sent a card to remind me that is was three months since our first kiss, a month since I first stayed overnight at her house, six months since we first set eyes on another. I used to call her the Chronicler for her ability to remember the anniversary of certain key moments in our relationship. At first I was suitable impressed by her memory and power of recall but then I realised that she had assistance.

On one particular occasion I was having a good look around her house whilst she was out, opening draws, cupboards and so on in order to learn more about this enticing individual who I had seduced and in the process of this trawl I found a diary. At the rear she had a list of key moments in our relationship with the date written next to it. First date, first kiss, first time we had sex, first time pet name was used, first weekend away, first “I love you” and so on.

Each milestone, from the trivial to the fundamental had been carefully written in her neat hand-writing (she always wrote with a Mont Blanc fountain pen – something which I liked until I decided to bend the nib one day after she accused me of forgetting her mother’s birthday. I didn’t forget. I deliberately did not remember). Each moment, each occasion had been carefully committed to the rear of this diary and beside it the date inserted as well. I was impressed and as I sat reading it, I felt the fuel of her dedication and admiration pouring over me.

She was not there to do it but I knew from reading those neat entries just how much we meant to her, just how important I was and the fuel flowed. I remember sitting on her bed clasping the leather bound diary and realising that Jane was meeting my expectations and that I had such high hopes for her. The reminders and commemorations kept coming. She never forgot anything. Naturally the more traditional anniversaries – birthdays, Christmas and so forth were addressed and not only for me, but close friends, family and even Matrinarc.

Of course this slavish devotion to the recollection of events could not go unused by me. When she fell from grace and her denigration and devaluation began I would always send her a reminder written in black ink (using a superior Mont Blanc fountain pen) on a crisp piece of thick white paper inserted into a stylish small envelope. I would leave these reminders on her pillow, on her car seat, under her windscreen wiper, in her bag, on her laptop and so forth.

–         1 week since I last spoke to you –

–         2 months since our first argument –

–         5 days since I rang you –

–         A month since we last made love –

–         A week since the last silent treatment –

–         Three months since I took you anywhere

I have no idea if the timing was entirely correct with some of them, it was the effects I was after. Sometimes she would telephone me and question why I had one this. If it was during a silent treatment I said nothing but listened, allowing her strained tones to fuel me. Other times I would just stare at her and then snarl an insult, causing her to jump and her fearful look would naturally provide me with further fuel. On other occasions she did not manage to contact me but it did not matter because I knew how she would be responding as I used the very thing she liked to engage as an endearing gesture from her to me in our relationship, against her. We like to take the wonderful and then batter it, rust it, twist it and warp it so it resembles something else entirely and this act of defiling is powerful indeed in its effect.

Soon I accelerated their use at one stage having them delivered through her door on a daily basis.

–         One day since I realised I hate you –

–         Two days since I realised I hate you –

–         Three days since I realised I hate you –

–         Four days since I realised I hate you –

–         Five days since I realised I hate you

–         Six days since I realised I hate you –

–         Seven days since I realised I hate you –

–         Eight days since I realised I hate you –

–         Nine days since I realised I hate you –

–         Ten days since I realised I hate you –

–         I don’t hate you. I love you –

That last note was a highly effective respite hoover which had her call me straight away and I answered straight away and her sobbed relief poured over me with such potency, marvellous fuel that it was. Once again by using the very tool she deployed in our relationship I was able to bend it and her to my will.

Eventually she was cast aside, the new prospect of Andrea having come into my sights and dear Jane was removed, not even afforded the courtesy of being a memory. That is until that text message arrived.

A foolish move on her part to reach out to me in this way but having received the text, I knew that it was inevitable she would have done it and indeed I know that when it is 3 years, 5 years or 10 years she will keep sending these reminders. Her memory had been conditioned this way. Notwithstanding the pain it will invariably cause her she wanted me to know that she remembered still. The addition of a single ‘x’ was the green light which told me that my follow-up hoover (of course there would be one) will succeed and she would respond to it. Dangerous to apply those kisses. She had entered my sphere of influence. I did not want her back, I was busy with Andrea and that seduction, but this reminder told me that there was fuel just waiting to be collected. All I had to decide was how I was going to go about. There was no need to be malign about it, a benign follow-up hoover would work but in what form and for how long? That was what then occupied my mind as once again I remembered dear Jane and her delicious fuel. So good of her to remind me.

5 thoughts on “I Remember

  1. lickemtomorrow says:

    I’m sorry to say, but this one actually tickled the darker side of my sense of humour 😛

    It’s too perfect in the way you played it out, HG.

    Poor girl. She took all the time to write those things down (and that would drive me crazy!)

    I think she set herself up for that one (as in gave you the ammunition). Of course, she didn’t know.

    Her biggest mistake, of course, was not remaining out of your sphere of influence.

    And that ‘devilish’ ending … “so good of her to remind me”.

    I hope she works it out one day.

  2. smarinucci1970 says:


  3. Coffee54 says:

    Hello HG,
    Hope all is well.

    Recently I made contact with 2 of my ex’s. One is a cerebral Mid Ranger, the other is a Great. Before I go on, I must say how amazed I am at your ability to describe the different schools and cadres to a T!

    I’ve been wondering however, if you are not a Lesser nor a Mid- how are you able to describe them so accurately?

    I made contact to find answers. I am in the middle of No Contact with a current and third Mid Ranger, and thought “Damn, WHY do I attract stalkers??? What am I doing wrong?” I’ve been through a few IGH with this current one, and experiencing it now.

    I called the Cerebral to come help get rid of the current Mid. I witnessed some narc on narc action when the the Mid came by one day, while the Cerebral was sitting on my porch. He chased him off. I’ve been able to be at home peacefully during the IGH, without him breaking into my house in the middle of the night and waking up with his arm around me. Something has shifted with the Mid though, and I can’t quite put my finger on it. I did fail with my No Contact and slept with him for 2 days. Every time we finished, I felt a lack of something. This was always the opposite. I left his bed because he wouldn’t tell the truth.

    The Cerebral attempted a Hoover, but was unsuccessful. He caught a plane back home. I went through a discard with him, after our infant son died. At the time, I thought it was just too much for him to handle. Now equipped with the knowledge you have given me, I now know, that he withdrew because of my eventual constant criticisms and reverse silent treatments. He spoke of a spirit in his stomach a lot before he left. When you write of the “beast inside” I am acquainted with him, in its raw and unhidden form. I could never put my finger on the energy I felt from the Cerebral, until this recent visit. I told him in the past, I felt something. It was anger and something underneath. I was wrong. It was fury and the beast. It surfaced a few times during his short stay. I even walked into a room and saw him pretending to read, but he was not looking at the words. He was pushing the beast back down. I called him once he was back home and asked if he felt the dark energy around me, he admitted it was so- and exclaimed he couldn’t be around me for long periods of time. He wanted me to know that it was my fault and said I gave him PTSD, but he was going to continue to heal and get me back. I crumbled some of his pillars, I hope not to draw attention from him for a few years and I will not be contacting him again.

    The Great knows what he is, but hasn’t admitted this to me yet. He discarded me as well and when I didn’t try to salvage the relationship, he executed a highly successful IGH. Shopping sprees, vacations, lavish gifts, put money into my bank account and paying off credit cards. We never consummated our relationship and went our separate ways. He hides his fury well. He is polite, well spoken, liked by all, and generous. However, I have experienced his fury, and it is highly dangerous and volatile. Communication has mostly been about home remodeling, both of us happen to be in this process. I am aware that sharing my Pinterest design inspirations for backsplash and bathroom tile, are being analyzed and scrutinized. I’m aware that he is timing my responses, gauging my empathy towards him, and drawing fuel from me. Communicating at this level, he is not draining me. While the Cerebral was here, I was extremely tired. I was able to pinpoint a high level extraction of my fuel, while he was speaking on current world politics. I literally yawned during his dictation lol. (He took this as a criticism of course). The current Mid drains me. So much so, that I have to lay down and take a nap on a perfectly good day. He’s always tried to suck every minute of every day.

    But the Great…his energy levels are much higher, just as you describe, H.G. I have valid and believable reasons to cut contact for months at a time with him. I’m declining his invitations of flying me out to play chess with him or him coming to my city to visit. I’m not ready yet. I know that he hates me with every fiber of his being, even though he will never admit this. I don’t love him anymore. I haven’t for years. I know this does not make me safe.

    I must get revenge H.G. This is the reason for me contacting my exes. I don’t hold animosity in my heart, but I’ve come to the startling realization that every relationship I’ve had, have been with narcissists. I was so stunned once I realized this grim reality of mine, that all I could do was stare at the wall. All day.

    I understand now why strangers stare everytime I go out. The intensity of their stares has a burn to it. I become so unsettled and drained, I have to go home and rest. Not only do they stare, they follow me throughout store isles. To my car, I’ve even been followed on occasion while driving.

    My theory is that if I defeat my personal narcs, I will prevent the many dangers of attracting predatory energy. Your website is the ONLY one that has helped me make sense of my experiences. I don’t even have the words to express my gratitude for the knowledge you are bestowing upon the world.

    There are no words…

    My personal indicator that I have succeeded: No more 5 hour energy shots or coffee.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello C54 and thank you for your kind words about my work.

      1. I know the differences because I have had repeated involvement with them and understand them very well.
      2. You should use this https://narcsite.com/narc-detector-2/ as a priority.
      3. You should also use this https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/ because your Emotional Thinking is high. You do not have a no contact regime and this means your Emotional Thinking is being repeatedly boosted, culminating in the understandable, albeit misguided desire for revenge. You have numerous steps to address before considering how to go about revenge, if at all. If you do not, you will fail.

      1. Coffee54 says:

        Thank you, I will arrange immediately.

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