All In the Eyes



The eyes are one of our powerful weapons. I hear so many comments made about my eyes.

“I saw the world in your eyes.”
“Everything I ever wished for, I could see in your eyes.”
“I’ve never known anyone give me such a malevolent stare.”
“You are dead behind the eyes.”
“That hollow look you give me, chills me inside.”
“Your reptilian, empty stare always unnerved me.”

When we first engage with you, we are able to reflect back at you want you desperately want. Hope, optimism, desire and trust are all mirrored in our eyes. Do not be mistaken and think that we generate those looks. We do not. All we are doing is ensuring that you see what you want to see in order to ensnare you.

This mirroring serves two purposes. Firstly, it shows you what you crave for and makes us all the more attractive to you. Secondly, it masks the empty void that truly exists. Whilst my kind and me learn how to behave and act, we mimic the way in which we are expected to respond in the most favourable manner, we do not truly feel any of those things and we cannot generate it in our eyes.

Everything else we are able to simulate – the laugh, the smile, the look of surprise, the intonation of elation in our voices. We have carefully crafted these facsimiles of your emotions but managing to do so in our eyes has always eluded us. We cannot fall at the first hurdle however and have you see through our charade. Accordingly, we have managed to master the mirroring technique.

You want that love and hope so badly you will see it in us when you are really just seeing yourself. We hold your gaze for longer than anyone else. You are conned into thinking this is just demonstrating the intensity of our desire for you. It is not. We must look directly into your eyes to shine back at you that which you send towards us. Should we look way, the reflection may fail and we must always have you in our eye.

As with all of our pretence we are unable to maintain this deceit for long. The mirror breaks and the shards of reflection fall away leaving the chasm of emotionlessness behind. The barren hinterland beyond our eyes is all that is left, bereft of anything at all. That is why in the later stages you will see nothing when you look at us. We cannot generate those real emotions and our mirror has now failed. Our real gaze is all that is left, cold, empty and lifeless.

People often remark about how the eyes are the window to the soul. Our soul left long ago and that is why you look into dead, uncaring eyes. Even though our mouth is upturned in a smile, the crows feet at the sides crease and the brow rises, our eyes betray us. Glacial and sterile they show the reality of what we are; devoid of positive emotion and spiritually bankrupt.

All that we are able to muster is hatred. Our loathing of this unjust world is so intense that it will break through when we wish to direct that hatred against you. That is when the emptiness vanishes and instead you are subjected to our laser-like, pinpoint accurate malevolent stare. I mentioned in the recollection about the cookie jar, how I had practised my withering stare one summer.

This is the precursor to our malice, our antipathy and our scorn. With consummate ease we will call on it to intimidate you and signal our contempt for you. It is powerful, unwavering and unsettling. To be on the receiving end of our hateful stare is not a pleasant experience. We muster such power with our eyes, to seduce you and then to break you, but the reality is that we only have three settings. The mirror, the void and the hatred. There is nothing else. That is all that our eyes have.

123 thoughts on “All In the Eyes

  1. Another Cat says:

    The brother too? Sounds tiresome indeed. You have a whole sense (empathy) and world which they don’t know of. My ex tried to make my mother move in with us. Would have been two narcs every day. Back then I didn’t know about the subject of narcissism, was just totally worn out 24/7. If you don’t mind me saying this: I hope you and the horses can find a way to get out of there soon. Or even better: They leave. Wishing you the very best.

    1. njfilly says:

      Another Cat,

      Thank you for your thoughts and I don’t mind you saying. I understand you don’t have all the information.

      I don’t want to leave here. I love it here. It’s beautiful. Also, I have privacy and freedom and my parents do contribute as they are supposed to. I control everything here, which is the way it should be because I am the most competent.

      It used to be very tiring. Their lives are usually a chaotic mess while my life is structured and organized like a well oiled machine. The three of them are whirlwinds of dysfunction and I am the calm in the storm, even though I can be very emotional at times. Usually my emotions are anger not sadness (although I understand this might represent different manifestations of the same angst). I know how to get things done. As I get older, it gets easier.

      I wished my father dead on this blog; although I would like to see that happen, I was just venting. I just want to forget and move on but occasionally, memories creep back in and they upset me. My father was very sadistic and cruel when I was a child. I wish I had physically fought back and I’m angry at myself that I didn’t. My brother did and then my father turned all his attention to me. When I look at my father all I see is a pathetic, angry old man. I think, how sad, and I pity him.

      I was just venting again. Thank you for listening.

  2. lickemtomorrow says:

    When you feel my heat
    Look into my eyes
    It’s where my demons hide
    It’s where my demons hide

    Don’t get too close
    It’s dark inside
    It’s where my demons hide
    It’s where my demons hide

    Don’t want to let you down
    But I am, hell bound
    Though this is all for you
    Don’t wanna hide the truth

    When you feel my heat
    Look into my eyes
    It’s where my demons hide
    It’s where my demons hide

    Don’t get too close
    It’s dark inside
    It’s where my demons hide
    It’s where my demons hide

    They say it’s what you make
    I say it’s up to fate
    It’s woven in my soul
    I need to let you go

    Your eyes they shine so bright
    I wanna save that light
    I can’t escape this now
    Unless you show me how

    When you feel my heat
    Look into my eyes
    It’s where my demons hide
    It’s where my demons hide

    Don’t get too close
    It’s dark inside
    It’s where my demons hide
    It’s where my demons hide

    Imagine Dragons – Demons.

    1. Fiddleress says:

      Thanks for this, lickemtomorrow.
      I heard this sometimes on the radio when I was with the “writer” narc, and thought of him. Though his demons hid mostly in his brain and came out through his mouth.

      Now, my mother… her eyes were green, and her demons certainly resided there; they showed up quite often, behind closed doors, of course, making themselves known before they slipped their vicious tongue out.
      But words (and screams) always hurt me more than looks.

  3. Kim e says:

    “I prefer to use my dentist of choice, she is very good and of use to me in other ways beside dentistry, therefore I prefer to wait until I have sufficient time with her for the remedial work to be undertaken.”

    The second that I saw your dentist was a “she” I knew there was more you wanted then getting your teeth fixed. You scoundrel>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    1. HG Tudor says:

      So judgemental Kim E, get your mind out of the gutter!!

      1. Kim e says:

        my mind did not go towards the gutter (believe it or not) I just know from my teacher that you would be looking for more than “teeth replacement”

  4. Another Cat says:

    Yes it’s all in the eyes!
    I notice this particularly with Type A Mid females. They have what forensic science calls ‘duper’s delight’. But all the time. When they talk about something sad or horrid, they sort of can’t hide their smile, looking a bit happy even. A way to detect a narc within minutes.

    The way they hide this is by using a parenting or teachings tone. But that halfhidden smile is there in the corner of their mouth.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That is the response of being fuelled, not because they know they are duping you.

      1. Another Cat says:

        (I actually understood the fuelling part, but journalists insist on using that term)

        E g I notice that instead of going “My gosh a house in this area was on fire today!” (would have seemed weird seeing them smile then), they say

        “Mind you, there was a fire today! Give us a break!”

        to the unwitting listener. Listener is occupied with feeling instincive guilt, not noticing the unsuitable content facial expression.

        1. HG Tudor says:


  5. Coffee54 says:

    Recently my Nex and I had a stare down. I was as usual, trying to get him to admit a lie.

    We were sitting across from eachother, but he scooted closer. At this point we were face to face, only about 6 inches between us, to where I could look at both his eyes at the same time, instead of just one.

    Naturally, people DO look at one eye or the other. Even altering between left eye and right eye, like searching for the truth. I watched both his eyes, not just one. The entire time, he was lying, lying lying.

    Then, neither of us spoke. It went on like this for about three minutes. Before, I mistook that look as him avoiding responding with the truth. Putting on a poker face.

    I realized that wasn’t the look in his eye that meant he was lying.

    He disconnected from me in those moments and wasn’t reflecting any emotion, not mirroring what I wanted to see. This PARTICULAR time though, it lingered longer than a second, maybe 10. It’s like he went inside himself and hid. Anything but not tell the truth.

    His eyes were dull marbles.

    He’d told me he would take a lie detector test and prove to me that my accusations were incorrect.
    I think he’d pass with lying colors

    1. K says:

      You are correct.

      Michele Renn says:
      March 3, 2020 at 00:55
      Due to their belief in what they view each – particularly the lower and mid-range, can a narcissist pass a lie detector test?

      HG Tudor says:
      March 6, 2020 at 08:56

  6. NarcAngel says:

    A narcissist with fake teeth. Seems in keeping.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      A bite is a bite, NA!

  7. NarcAngel says:

    New merch: Greater Grills.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am obliged!

  8. Phoenix says:

    Still haunted by the eyes 5 years later. It’s the reframing process that saves us…. in the case of the eyes, reframing from intense desire, love and adoration to predatorial stalking, obsessive ownership and objectification of all we are.

  9. NarcAngel says:

    Two missing teeth as in Wisdom teeth or in your zipper?

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. NarcAngel says:

        Hmmm…a riddle. Missing two teeth but not wisdom or zipper…

        Oh dear. Your bone saw?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Not quite, NA.

          1. Rach Bell says:

            bahaha how do you know you can see them when you yawn. dont tell me i don’t care about your teeth.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Clearly you do as you wrote the comment.

            Ever heard of a mirror?

            Go and sit in the corner.

      2. FYC says:

        Okay, I’ll “bite”, are the missing teeth from your mouth or someone else’s and were they primary or secondary?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          See answer already given, FYC.

        2. NarcAngel says:

          IPPS (Intimate Periodontal Primary Supernumeraries) no doubt. If anyone is going to have “extra” it’s going to be an Ultra haha.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Very good.

  10. NarcAngel says:

    So you want to know if anyone has ever said to HG that he sounds younger than your narc?

    I’m kidding. I am understanding your question to be: has anyone ever told HG that he sounds younger than he looks or that he sounds younger than they imagined his age to be before meeting him?

    1. MB says:

      I understand Lickem to be asking if anybody has ever mentioned HG’s voice being higher/lighter sounding; and him (being an aware narcissist) attributing it to him being well-fueled.

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        Ib the money, MB 😉

        Thanks for helping to clarify,

        1. lickemtomorrow says:

          Haha, my bad … that’s meant to be ‘on the money’ 😉

    2. lickemtomorrow says:

      Hi NA 🙂

      No, it’s not about sounding younger than he looks or younger than anyone would imagine his age to be.

      Of course, this potentially just adds another layer of confusion.

      Let’s describe it as a kind of bouyancy that has nothing to do with age.

      So, it’s in the ’emotions’, or in the case of a narcissist probably related to fuel.

      That’s the best I can do! So, not age related … more to do with what is happening inwardly rather than outwardly.

      1. NarcAngel says:


        Ah. I see your other comment now about your narc sounding younger when fully fuelled. Had missed that.

        So you’re asking if HG squeals like a girl when he’s fuelled. Got it. Hahaha.

        ** shuffles off to naughty stool **

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Stool? Oh for you to be so lucky!

        2. Witch says:

          I reckon that he doesn’t sound younger but he sounds elated and starts using words like “spiffing:”
          “Oh yes, I’ve had a spiffing time, I do say, a spiffing time! Thank you for the invite Dawson and Gertrude.”

        3. lickemtomorrow says:

          Haha NA.

          I think HG has other plans for you now …


          We’ll know if we see you at the Q&A on Sunday!

      2. lisk says:


        That makes me think of narc Daffyd Thomas!

        1. lickemtomorrow says:

          “The only gay in the village”


          Those characters are hilarious!

  11. lickemtomorrow says:

    Has anyone ever mentioned your voice, HG?

    My narc sounded younger when he was fully fuelled.

    I hear lots of people talk about the eyes, but the voice was something I also noticed.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Repeatedly. It is a weapon.

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        Haha, I see what you did there.

        No, I mean did anyone ever say you sounded younger?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Younger than what?

          1. lickemtomorrow says:

            I can’t explain it … maybe like a younger version of himself.

            Not so weighed down, lighter. That might be a way to describe it.

            I’m sure he wouldn’t have noticed himself, but I did.

            And I wondered if anyone had ever said that to you. I said it to him.

          2. Too young to be eating Werthers and have all your own teeth?

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Never eaten one. I do have two teeth missing though.

          4. Erm – love you loads HG. just so we’re very clear about that point xxx

          5. Violetta says:

            Did you have wisdoms removed, or did you sell the incisors to pay for your poor little child in Montfermeil?

          6. HG Tudor says:


          7. Violetta says:

            I had several teeth removed for braces. I showed them around. Now they don’t let you have them.

          8. Renarde says:

            I had four teeth removed, two upper and two lower.

            I have a very small, and if I might say so, exquisitely turned jawline.

            Small mouths can be problematic in other areas though…

          9. Witch says:

            What’s the story behind the missing teeth?

          10. HG Tudor says:

            I received a rifle butt to the face. I lost two teeth as a consequence. My assailant lost more.

          11. MB says:

            Better than messing up that handsome face!

          12. HG Tudor says:

            Fucking A!

          13. Witch says:

            Replace them with gold teeth HG and look bloody gang!

          14. HG Tudor says:

            No point, you cannot see them unless I yawn.

          15. K says:

            I hope they weren’t your front teeth; did your assailant lose his life???

          16. HG Tudor says:

            No, you cannot see they are missing. I will have new ones inserted but I move around so much seeing my good dentist has proven problematic.

          17. K says:

            Thank God, I wouldn’t want you to look like a Lesser.

          18. HG Tudor says:

            Good lord, never.

          19. K says:

            Hahahaha…I panicked for a moment and thought: Oh no! HG can’t look like a Lesser; it would tarnish my image of you.

          20. HG Tudor says:

            Of course not, cannot be seen and will be repaired.

          21. FYC says:

            That is awful, HG and I am glad your assailant lost more. Please consider implants as they preserve your bone and prevent infection. No, I do not have any, but I did know an exNSA person that had a few. You intelligence people lead dangerous lives indeed.

          22. Twilight says:

            Implant do preserve the bone, preventing infection thou is in how one cares for their teeth. One can get infection (periodontist and gingivitis) around an implant and or rejection of said implant.

            Lol a person teeth is the first thing I notice, bad teeth or I can smell infection it’s a no go when I was dating.

          23. StrongerWendy says:

            How long ago did you lose the teeth?

          24. HG Tudor says:

            Not recently. I saw a professional to remove a fragment that was left and decided I would let it heal before addressing the provision of replacements. I prefer to use my dentist of choice, she is very good and of use to me in other ways beside dentistry, therefore I prefer to wait until I have sufficient time with her for the remedial work to be undertaken.

          25. StrongerWendy says:

            “Not recently. I saw a professional to remove a fragment that was left and decided I would let it heal before addressing the provision of replacements. I prefer to use my dentist of choice, she is very good and of use to me in other ways beside dentistry, therefore I prefer to wait until I have sufficient time with her for the remedial work to be undertaken”

            How is she of use to you in other ways?

          26. HG Tudor says:


          27. StrongerWendy says:

            Got it. Thanks

          28. Renarde says:

            I think, very probably, the statement ‘I lost two teeth because I was hit by an assailant with a rifle butt in the jaw’ WTTE has to stand out as the most brilliant comment Hg has ever issued.

            I’m standing by that.

            I DO hope you got him on the nose with yours. Let them bleed on the ground before smashing their front teeth in. Kicking him hard in the bollocks wouldn’t hurt either.

            And as he crawls away, you have one bullet in the chamber.

            Good times.


          29. njfilly says:

            Oh boy. I know about dental issues.

            I have had a lot of physical injury in my life. My jaw has been broken three times (twice confirmed broken but it’s possible it was only fractured the other time). Each time with a corresponding serious head injury and subsequent loss of teeth. My front 6 teeth are veneers and I have three dental implants. I never had dental insurance so I had to pay cash and I have put about $15,000 into my teeth. In one accident I almost lost my eye. I have had reconstructive/cosmetic surgeries on my eye, face, and hip. I am very thankful I had the money for this. I’m also very thankful I live in the modern era with modern medical advances or I would be looking very rough right about now!

          30. Ashley says:

            WOW that is terrible, I am so glad you’re okay!!! I cannot imagine

          31. njfilly says:

            Thank you Ashley

          32. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear Mr Tudor,
            Your missing teeth sound recent
            Were you connected somehow in the protest march? ✊🏿
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          33. HG Tudor says:


          34. FYC says:

            Twilight, I hope you are doing well and good to see you commenting. Good to know, about implants, but I would not be in danger if I should ever need one as I am in complete agreement with you on good dental hygiene – it is a must.

            Filly, That sounds incredibly painful. I hope you do not have lingering pain after all you have been through.

          35. njfilly says:


            I’m a bit late in responding to you. Yes, I do have lingering jaw pain as well as some pain in other areas. Nothing I can’t handle. I just deal with it.

            Thank you for asking.

          36. FYC says:

            Hi Filly, I am so sorry you experience ongoing pain, but I am glad it is manageable. There are so many nerves in the neck and jaw I can imagine it would be difficult years after the injury. I knew a guy in high school who shattered his jaw and lost some teeth too due to a face plant while skateboarding. His mother, a N and had zero empathy. She was also jealous of his sister and tried to seduce her boyfriends. It’s no surprise both kids left home after HS. Hopefully your injuries were N free!

          37. njfilly says:


            Thank you. Unfortunately, I am not narc free. I moved out of my parents house and was on my own for many years, then in 2000 I purchased my farm at auction with my parents because I wanted a farm and could not afford it on my own. They are both narcs. I didn’t realize, although I knew they were slightly insane.

            There have been several times where I have needed their help, or have been incapacitated and they were oblivious to my needs. Although I am very self sufficient and resourceful now because of it.

            I am thankful that at least they help financially which was the main reason we partnered in this endeavor.

            Now, they need me and they are reaping what they have sowed.

          38. FYC says:

            Filly, That is an interesting turn of events. The unfortunate part is they remain Ns and you remain an E. Some things never change, so take care and arm yourself well. I hope you are mostly Zero Impact if contact must remain in place. I highly recommend the Zero Impact package, especially now at the 20 Million 20% discount price, if you have not already partaken.

          39. njfilly says:


            I’m not familiar with the zero impact package but I don’t think I need it.

            I no longer communicate with my father, even though he lives here. I look right through him and walk right past him. He tries speaking to me and waving to me and I do not acknowledge him or respond.

            I know he is feeling the pain of my withdrawal because he says to everybody he can “my daughter hates me”, “I don’t know what I did to her”, etc.

            I am hoping to mortally wound him. I want him to die. Sooner rather than later. It will be better for all involved and even better for him as he is in ill health and angry and resentful about it. I can’t save him. He is not my problem.

          40. FYC says:

            Filly, I understand those feelings, but as long as he is a trigger for any feeling (wanting him die or hating him or anything at all), it still has an impact on you. So whether or not you check out HG’s Zero Impact is up to you, but I found it very freeing and very helpful on many levels, but I was not no contact like you are, so maybe you do not have to see or hear from him or even think about him. You have been through so much already, I wish you only the very best going forward.

          41. njfilly says:


            Thank you for your good wishes. Also, you do have a point. I say I am no contact in that I don’t speak to him or respond to him but yes, I feel hatred toward him.

            He lives here at the farm so it’s difficult to avoid him. I try to avoid him but if he is outside and I want to go outside, I have no choice. So I ignore him and try to look past him, but I guess technically, per the expert, this is not no contact. DAMN!!

            So, maybe I should just kill him.

            (I never realized how often I begin my sentences with the word “So”. I’m such an amateur!)

          42. FYC says:

            Filly, I understand your anger completely, but I want for you to have the peace that comes from letting go of all that. For me, Zero impact shifted my thoughts and emotions and enabled me to let go of the ongoing frustration and sense of unfairness and sadness for not having a more healthy situation. This was life-changing for me. This is why you will see me praising Zero Impact on the blog frequently. For me, it changed everything. I am free from that old loop. N’s have a way up upping the ante (provocation/manipulation) until they get the outcome they seek (their prime aims) by any means necessary. This does not work post Zero Impact.

            As for your joking statement about killing him, I know you will not and I am glad that is the case as this would only make matters worse. A short story: I had a neighbor several years ago who had the most difficult N parent I had ever heard of. The spouse and my neighbor’s sibling committed suicide (at different times) due to the horrible machinations they endured. My neighbor thought that when the N died she would feel better, but she did not. The N still had a tight grip on her mind and emotions even after death. If anything, she felt far worse and was she was shocked she did not feel better. So death is not the answer. Letting go is the answer.

            The N that is your father cannot love you. It is not his fault, but he will never know any other way. He operates on his method of survival. The only choice you have is to opt out fully. No hope, no frustration, no hate, no sadness, no anger, just freedom. I am sure you have heard many times, the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. Love and hate involve some degree of attachment and caring and involvement. Separate yourself from those feelings, because they will not change him, but they hurt you. Grieve your loss (because it is significant and you deserved healthy love and support from your parents) and let go. You truly deserve Zero Impact.

          43. njfilly says:


            Thank you for your response. You are very thoughtful.

            May I ask, have you done the empath detector and what were the results?

          44. FYC says:

            Thank you, Filly. Yes, I have had the EDC, TDC and WED and found them valuable. I am majority equal parts super empath and standard empath. My cadre is magnet. I highly recommend a bespoke consult after the EDC/TDC for greater depth in understanding the results and how they apply.

      2. Narc noob says:

        You sound very different on the phone compared to the utubes/recorded material(not all). Maybe you put your teeth in when you do your consultations? 😉

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I have a conversational voice and a broadcast voice hence the difference. When you have spoken to me and listened to the Youtube/recorded material you have done so when just two teeth have been missing, neither of which affect the way I sound. Interestingly, you have sounded the same on the occasions I have spoken to you despite attempts to the contrary.

          1. Narc noob says:

            Ha ha HG. I never *tried*. Had I tried to sound different on our phone consult I know I would have failed pretty miserably.

          2. lisk says:

            Are difference voices necessarily a narc thing?

            I definitely have a different phone voice, especially when I am dealing with customer service. I try to put on–and speak with–the smile that they should be wearing but usually are not.

      3. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dear njfilly,
        Good grief 😱
        You poor luv
        Is this from horses ?
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. njfilly says:

          Dear Bubbles:

          Yes, it was very unusual that I kept injuring my jaw, as well as my left hip.

          My first jaw fracture was due to a bar room brawl. Not having anything to do with me, I was just there. A body catapulted into me and knocked my face into the bar chipping my front tooth and breaking another in half and it flew out of my mouth onto the bar and I stared at it. I lived with my chipped and broken teeth for years before I finally got veneers.

          The second incident was a horseback riding accident. I fell off the horse and slammed my face into the ground and landed on my hip. I lay in the field passed out for several minutes, then I woke up and sat up and passed back out. When I woke up again I picked myself up and managed to climb the stairs to get to my bathroom and took a shower because I was very dirty. Then I lay down on my bed and fell asleep and woke up four days later with a major headache, a broken jaw, and my left butt cheek was a solid black. I had never seen anything like that so I showed it to everybody. I show my butt cheeks usually but this time they were a bit more interesting! I never received any medical attention and it took a few years to heal from that one. I assumed my jaw was broken because it wouldn’t close, my teeth were out of alignment and it was very difficult to eat. I suffered from bad headaches for years after that and I still get bad headaches.

          The third time was a car accident. I fell asleep at the wheel and hit a tractor trailer head on at 60 mph. I lived but with much damage, including another broken jaw, other broken bones and almost losing my eye. I was in surgery for 12 hours and when I awoke they confirmed that my jaw had been broken before in two places and that my hip had been previously injured and it was injured again in the car accident. My jaw was wired shut for 8 weeks. My teeth started breaking years later and one broke and fell out. My dentist believed it was due to the broken jaws. I have 3 implants and crowns but I still have one more crown that needs to be installed.

          Thank you for asking. I enjoy telling my stories about how I keep breaking my jaw.

          1. Violetta says:


            Holy guacamole! I lost a side tooth to bruxing last year. The local dental school (reduced rates, thank God) put in a bone graft and gave it time to “take.” I was supposed to get the implant in March, and then Lockdown happened.

            I was rather depressed about it, but your experiences make me feel like a total wimp. The one time I fell off a horse, I fell right on a thorougly padded body part, and nothing was hurt but my dignity. You are one tough filly!

          2. njfilly says:


            I’m sorry about your tooth. I didn’t know what bruxing meant so I had to look that word up. Yes the process does take some time as the bone graft needs to “take”, then the implant needs to be secure before the cap is put on. I hope you are no longer depressed about it. Once it’s done you will feel better.

            I rode horses for about 25 years so I’ve fallen off a few times but the one accident I wrote about was the worst. I fractured a couple ribs in another riding accident. I have had many injuries in my life. Even more than those I wrote about.

            Yes, I am very tough. I went to a St. Patrick’s Day biker party once and I was drinking and doing cocaine (which I did quite often). I accidentally kicked into a table and broke my toe. Even with the drugs and alcohol it was very painful. I ran into the nearest bedroom and took my sock off and my toe was facing the opposite direction. I stared at it momentarily wondering what I should do, and wondering what the doctors would do. Then I just grabbed it and snapped it back into place and stayed at the party and did more cocaine! Then I rode my motorcycle home that evening with a broken toe! Ha ha! Ok, that last line may or may not be a lie. The truth is, I don’t even remember how I got home from that party but it was a biker party so most likely I drove my own bike or I was a passenger on somebody’s bike. I have tried to remember but I can’t. It’s probably not surprising that I can’t remember some things due to my drug use and the head injuries. Oh well. Perhaps some things are best forgotten.

          3. FYC says:

            Oh my goodness Filly!! I am so sorry I had no idea. I can’t believe all you have been through. Do you have the medical help you need for this?

          4. njfilly says:

            Thank you, FYC.

            These accidents were not recent. The car accident was in 2013. Only the scars remain now, and I do have quite a few scars from these accidents and other injuries as well.

            The last thing I need to do is get the final dental cap on my implant then I’m fully rebuilt! My right pupil is a little “off” but other than that I have no physical limitations.

          5. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dearest njfilly,
            Bloody hell, you poor luv, I’m stunned
            Anyone would think you’re jinxed
            Did you go thru all this alone ?
            I wouldn’t wish that on an enemy
            You certainly are one tough cookie, what a champion to have survived so many high emotional seas
            So glad your with us lovely lady
            Big hugs to you njfilly 🤗 for sharing 💕
            Thank you
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          6. njfilly says:


            Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. They are appreciated. Yes, I endured it alone.

            Maybe I am jinxed. I have had more accidents than I mentioned here. Some where I was completely unharmed.

            I was a bit of a risk taker when I was younger. I wouldn’t take stupid risks, but I would want to ride the more difficult horses, and ski down the more challenging slopes, etc. Some times I made it and some times I didn’t. I can’t do that anymore. I’m getting older now so if I have one more really bad accident I may not recover so well.

            Yes I am a tough cookie. Yet still very sweet.

          7. Another Cat says:

            Dear njfilly
            Very moved by reading what you have been through. And also that you endured and kept strength with both parents being narcs. I can’t even imagine what it could be like.

          8. njfilly says:

            Another Cat:

            Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it.

            Yes, my life has been difficult. I guess that is why I am strong.

            I believe my brother is a narcissist also. I wish I had known about narcissism earlier. At least it would have settled my confusion about my family’s odd, irrational, insane behavior. Well, I always knew they were insane I just didn’t know why. Finally, it’s all becoming clearer and the pieces are falling into place.

          9. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dearest njfilly,
            Thankfully you’re almost at the end of your dental procedures, what an ordeal
            My mother suggested Mr Bubbles n I, all build two places next to each other on the farm and have an interconnecting enclosed walkway and play happy families
            Thank goodness I nipped that in the bud
            No escape from the narcs 😱(Sounds like a movie title)
            Much prefer “escape to the chateau” 🤣
            All my best wishes to you njfilly, it breaks my heart all you have endured
            You’re really are one heck of a women
            Warmest Hugs 🤗 Lovely one
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          10. njfilly says:

            Dear Bubbles:

            Thank you for your kind thoughts.

            I love my farmhouse and farm. I don’t want to leave.

      4. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dear Mr Tudor,
        Training at spy camp must be more intense and vigorous these days
        They’ve obviously upped the antes in the teeth knocking out combat section
        One of your DLS’ s found out about SM 😱 🕵🏻‍♀️
        Good luck n best wishes with your new chompers 😁
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. Another Cat says:

          “obviously upped the antes in the teeth knocking out combat section”

          Bubbles, I haven’t laughed this loud since before lockdown.

          1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear Another Cat,
            That’s awesome
            makes me Purrrrrrrr 😻Purrrrrrr
            thank you lovely
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    2. autiempath says:

      The voice is something that i noticed to, with some Narc’s.
      An ex N could change his voice on the phone, so i did not know that i spoke to him. Scary!
      He used many voices.
      I guess now it was manipulation or acting or a weapon.
      At first when I found KTN, I was afraid to listen to HG, becouse of my experience with the ex N.
      Now iam over that. 😊

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        Wow! That is scary … and obviously had a huge impact. How awful to think you were afraid of listening to HG 🙁 Maybe one reason it’s so beneficial he provides so much of his material in written form as well.

        That is very much a psychological weapon, and when HG said his voice is a weapon, i never imagined that type of scenario.

        It sounds like a form of gaslighting (which is manipulation) and definitely intended to unnerve you. This also sound particularly malicious to me.

        I’m so glad you got away from that narc and eventually overcame your anxiety. Definitely goes to show what a powerful instrument the voice is and how it can be used as a weapon/form of abuse.

        Thank you so much for sharing autiempath. You must have come a long way since then.

        1. autiempath says:


          Indeed it was awful and scary at first for me, but i felt i discovered something real here.

          I desided then first to read and learn a lot here, and then i got more understanding of this blog, the readers/comments and Narcisissm and HG.

          Then i knew i did not need to be scared to listening, now it is even a more easy and quicker way to absorb the material for me.

          The ex N. was a malicious one, indeed.
          He had more power in his voice then in his eyes, except when his fury was ingnited, then he had black eyes with malicious flickering, glistering.

          And i was more receptive for his voice than his eyes, bc i never do like to look people in the eyes for long.
          His voice was a weapon of seduction also.
          He seduced me true phone calls, i fell for him, without knowing him in peron, silly me.
          This was before the internet era.

          Iam very lucky to got away from that one, he was the worst.

          I knew Narcs before him and many after.
          Even when i found KTN, i was with one without knowing., i learned true reading here what he is.

          So yes coming a long way, and stil learning.

          My pleasure, for sharing this.

          1. lickemtomorrow says:

            Thank you again for sharing. It means a lot to hear other people’s stories.

      2. Rach Bell says:

        i fell asleep before my child so when she got up excited early the next morning her tooth was still under the pillow…. but i have quite a few of her festy little chops in a bag and i once saw one of my cluster bs rat through my treasures and snatch that up because it kinda looked like a bag of drugs. i kept them in my favourite jeans pocket after that.

        way i figure it? HG’s lucky to have any teeth the way cluster bs behave.

        and i can point that out that because ive just admitted the toothfairy at my house was a jerk.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Luck has nothing to do with it.

      3. Fiddleress says:

        The voice is a weapon of choice, and narcissists certainly know how to use it, including for singing (2 of the 4 narcs I know of in my life are brilliant singers. The other two also have ensnaring voices, even without singing).

        When I arrived on this site, I did wonder for a few days if the N I had just escaped from was familiar with this blog : I came across the phrase “onwards and upwards” here, which Nex used a lot, especially in text messages but not only.
        Now I know he meant “I’m off to find fuel”, his version of Nick Cave’s (him again, I know!):
        “Onwards, and onwards, and onwards I go,
        Onwards and upwards and I’m off to find love.”
        I quoted/sang this to Nex, but he didn’t know the song (entitled “Do You Love Me?”).

        1. lisk says:

          Most musicians–especially of the singing kind–are narcs.

          I had a musician friend as a roommate once.That experience led to a my promise to never live with musician again and to definitely never date one.

          1. Violetta says:

            When they’re not narcs, they’re druggies, because the pain is unbearable–Kurt Cobain, Chris Cornell.

            Of course, some of them are both.

    3. Leigh says:

      lickemtomorrow, I’m so glad you mentioned this. During the whole dynamic, their were times I thought I was imagining it or going nuts. His voice would change all the time. Thinking about it now, I think it was attributed too whether I was painted white or painted black.

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        it’s funny how you think you imagine things until you hear somebody else mention the same thing.

        No matter where I’ve been in my attempts to study and learn about narcissists so far, no one has ever mentioned the voice. There is a definite focus on the eyes. That’s why I thought I’d bring it up.

        Interesting that you can relate it to being painted white or black as well. That would also make sense to me. In that the narcissist’s demeanour is somehow changed and with that his voice.

        I’m kind of weirded out now that I’ve opened this can of worms, but it’s interesting.

        My narc had a beautiful accent, but for some reason he was self conscious about his voice. He often compared himself to someone well known, a particular person from the same region, and made apologies for not sounding more like him. I reassured him every time, but wondered where the self consciousness came from originally. It could only be a childhood wound, but who would make a child self conscious about their voice and why? He also had a matrinarc. No doubt, the answer could lie there.

        1. Leigh says:

          The more I think about it, the more I wonder if his voice did change because of his fuel levels. I always wondered if he was bipolar and definitely noticed a change in his voice when I thought he was depressed versus manic. When I believed he was manic, he voice was definitely a higher pitch.

          1. lickemtomorrow says:

            I get the feeling we overlook the voice as a means of interpreting and understanding what is happening sometimes.

            The voice is an instrument, much like the eyes, and can tell us things about the person. I probably wouldn’t have thought alot about it before I met my narc, and maybe it only relates to narcs in the sense I am talking about. But, it’s an eye opener to me to hear other people expressing similar thoughts and experiences.

          2. Leigh says:

            Lickemtomorrow, that’s why I love this blog so much. There were so many things I questioned and to see other people had similar experiences, validates that I wasn’t imagining it. He constantly told me I was overthinking and now, because of this blog, I know I wasn’t!

  12. MGM says:

    Did not have this experience with the narcissists here, except for the creepy reptilian stare when they were focused on getting supply. The most chilling, haunting thing. To this day, will never forget one in particular. So disturbing and creepy.

  13. dollysupreme says:

    Okay. So this makes sense. I was looking into taking an iridology course. The eyes can reveal so much about your health. I had a fall and it showed in my iris as a temporary mark and it got me interested……So anyway. Some of the nerves in the eyes have been linked to the part of the brain which controls behaviour……..I haven’t gone on the course yet. So I don’t have any links to the studies. But interesting if this were the case……To me lessers (at least who I would have down as lessers) have eyes like a great white shark. Dark and dead like. I’d love to follow this up further.

    1. smarinucci1970 says:


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