The doormat. There it lies with a pleasant greeting of “welcome home” emblazoned upon it and all it gets is routinely overlooked and trampled on, but it never flinches, it never backs away from performing its function. Many of our victims find themselves regarded as doormats by our kind. Not only is this evidenced by the way that we regard you but it is also as a consequence of the way that we treat you. It is not those factors alone however that cause me to ascribe the label of Doormat to a particular appliance. Much of it comes from the thinking, attitude and mind set of the relevant victim.
I have mentioned my sister, Rachael previously. Whereas I trod the path that has led me to where I am today, Rachael found herself becoming a doormat. She was routinely trampled on by all the members of our family and I watched and observed as we grew older as to how this manifested. As time progressed and with the increasing awareness that I have obtained, allied with the observations of the good doctors, I identified certain characteristics that she has which I have also seen in those who have been my primary source victims. I have concluded that whilst numerous of these victims have come close to being doormats, only three have actually achieved that status along with my sister.
Now, it is a mistake to think that a doormat would be regarded as weak. Naturally my kind think this but that is part of our mechanism for maintaining our superiority by pouring scorn on your traits and how they lead you to be treated. Those who are doormats exhibit a different kind of strength.
They are weak in that they fail to assert themselves with sufficient emphasis to enable them to escape the worst of out treatment, but they possess a strength by virtue of those characteristics. To be able to have those characteristics and keep them, whilst being abused, ignored, trampled on and taken for granted, is perversely a form of strength and one which we welcome.
We want appliances that will keep functioning, obeying us, pouring out the fuel and complying, without breaking down and malfunctioning the first time matters become rough. Finding a doormat amongst our victims is gratifying because it means that this person will not depart us, they have no desire to do so. It goes further however because they wish to stay not only for our reasons but for their own fulfilment as well. They pour fuel in our direction, remain subservient and compliant. What are the traits that constitute a doormat?
- The individual is sensitive and guilt-ridden.
- This person has learned to survive hostile environments by meeting our need for gratification. This first and foremost applies to the provision of fuel but it also goes further. The doormat will gratify us by allowing us to do what we want, recognises our need and right to do so, allows us to utilise whatever resources we see fit and caters for all of our needs in terms of fuel, trait provision and residual benefits.
- The doormat’s perception of love has become skewed. This person seeks love through the excessive accommodation of another’s needs. This may not just be us when we have attached them as a primary source to us, but in respect of other individuals. Those individuals may not be narcissistic but the doormat still wishes to accommodate the wishes of other people (something which of course irritates us and leads to conflict) because the doormat regards his or her role as one of accommodating everybody because then that means that they will be loved.
- The doormat simply gives too much. They do not take. They give of themselves on every level, from their emotions, their dedication, their time, their energy, their thoughts and their resources. They are impressively resourced in these matters and appear to have almost limitless time, energy etc. although eventually it becomes evident that they have not.
- The doormat does not feel safe unless he or she gives. If they perceive that they are taking they feel alarm and distress. If they are neither giving or taking they feel restless and out of their comfort zone. The need to provide and to give allows them to fulfil their role and in turns embodies a sense of safety for them. Once they begin to feel safe they will continue to give in order to remain in this safe place. This is why the doormat is drawn to our kind because we are takers and do so on a vast scale. We are made for the doormat and even though the doormat may not know what we are, their coupling with us, provides them with an innate sense of safety and security.
- The doormat must meet the emotional needs of the narcissist. We are empty. We are voids and your emotional attention, your fuel, needs to be poured into us. The doormat feels a need to ensure that those excessive emotional needs are met (although fails to realise that this can never be achieved) and therefore remains hooked and beholden to us in as the doormat tries to achieve the impossible. I have watched my sister continue to do this with Matrinarc.
- The doormat suffers low self-esteem but this is boosted by the success of the narcissist. My victims who were doormats found that their self-esteem was increased by my achievements and my accomplishments. I watched my sister gather her self-esteem from being linked to the achievements of MatriNarc, my father and me. This is a curious behaviour and is not unlike our stealing of traits from those around us in order to add them to our construct and in turn make us look better and more attractive. The doormat does not acquire the traits of our success but the fact we are successful and they are linked with us results in their self-esteem being increased.
- The doormat has a high tolerance to emotional abuse. The lashing out through heated fury and cold fury from our kind against the doormat causes the doormat to realise that the emotional need of our kind has increased. This signals to them that they must leap into action. They have a call of duty and rather than find the emotional abuse debilitating (at least at first) they regard it as a useful signal for them to do something in order to cater for it. However, all the doormat is doing is allowing a pressure to build up of this repeated emotional abuse. The doormat can tolerate it for longer than a standard victim but then there comes a point where the threshold is reached, the pressure can no longer be sustained and withheld and at that point there is a substantial and serious damaging effect on the doormat from the release of this pressure.
- The doormat feels guilt when catering for his or her needs and therefore almost in a masochistic way will place themselves in the firing line once again with our kind in order to assuage this guilt.
- The doormat feels undeserving of being loved. They want to be loved for what they do, rather than for what they are. They regard themselves of fundamentally unworthy of love save when they are carrying out their role. With my sister I saw this with both my father and mother. My father emphasised how it was important to help others and my sister saw that as a clear signal to flagellate herself in catering to the needs of others and especially our kind. My sister also explained to me that in respect of MatriNarc that she never says that she is happy but that my sister knew MatriNarc was happy with her because of how my sister felt, namely devoid of guilt and valued because of her excessive giving. I regarded her thinking as deluded but I did not correct it, because it served my purposes as well.
20 thoughts on “The Doormat”
Put me in touch with Rachel… I’ll soon have her saying “my mother is a bitch”
Just like you HG, I like a challenge
Ok, I have a burning question here (or plural): Do doormats never or almost never get angry with the narcissist when they experience red flags such as backhanded compliments,etc? Or, do they just let them roll past them and not react? Do they ever get upset at the narcissist for anything at all?
Yes, but they tend not to see the red flags or if they do, fail to pay heed to them. Their anger will only usually manifest, if at all, in a Cliff situation (see The Platinum Collection for that particular article).
I sure will and thanks HG.
HG the God, is the Doormat the same as the Martyr?
What happens to the narcissist if “the doormat” starts to pull away after realizing the unfairness of the situation? What happens if ‘the doormat” starts to set boundaries or distance themselves?
Is this met with “Fury”, or is the doormat sent into a devaluation phase?
This affects the narcissists control and therefore the narcissist will respond with one of The 3 Assertions of Control.
How is your relationship with your sister? Is she the empath/ scapegoat? Is she aware of what you are and has she changed? Is she, was she the flying monkey or is she integer?
See the book Chained.
Ha. One conversation went something like :
N : I’d prefer we don’t keep blowing up every two weeks.
Me: well then you’d better go out and find yourself a nice doormat. One that continues to say “welcome home” even when you wipe your bullshit all over it.
Such a shame all those good lines were wasted fuel 🙄
“How about you just stick to the nouns in future?” Straight face, calm tone, exit.
No idea if that worked well or not, was already in my car.
Apparently if it’s said with no emotion it can wound ! Hopefully that was what happened to yours ! Haha.
I’ve never had so many cinematic exits in my life then with the narc… until it was my last curtian call… and he had no idea what was coming.
In fairness, when I said that I was absolutely enraged. I only left because in that moment I couldn’t stand to look at him. So a mix of how I react on the rare occasion I’m that angry (cold, cutting) plus a desire to leave his apartment and not have to look at him. A coincidental wounding perhaps.
I am not sure that guy was a narcissist, but he had certainly just spewed out the weakest pile of rubbish I had ever heard.
Wow, thank you HG. That has shed so much light on me with ex narc. Not sure I am def a doormat or even was but so much rang true. I do still have problems with doing stuff ‘for me’ and feel guilty if I do, everything was about making sure he was happy (or at trying to make sure he was). 7 years sep from narc (23 years with him). We have kids and since youngest turned 18 last year I am now managing proper no contact. Has been such a relief just finally being able to ignore him but still have financial issues to sort so not quite ‘free’ yet. Not sure ever will be its taking so long to sort out. Youngest has discovered what he is on her own (she studies psychology) and is herself doing no contact after numerous fall outs and he has been very nasty to her after rather than be a dad and wonder what he may have done to upset her. I wish I had had access to your works when I first got away.
You are welcome.
“They want to be loved for what they do, rather than for what they are.” But this is true of some narcs. Wanna-Be Playuh-Narc didn’t value it if I loved him of my own accord, because he didn’t make it happen. He wanted to win over someone reluctant, even admitted as much. He was much more comfortable hoovering me when I tried to back off, because it meant he was in control again.
Anyhow, why would he want to be loved for who he is when he doesn’t want to be who he is? If someone falls in love with the image, then the image can be real.
Another truly epic article many thanks
You are welcome.
Ouch! Incredibly accurate as always HG, just very ouch!
Somehow we’re convinced you’ll change, or that we can change you.
HG, all of this hurts so much.
Why do your kind believe we who love you are out to hurt you? I was constantly accused of that. And I mean in a sincere manor that some of your kind really are afraid of us hurting your kind.
Life can be so unfair, out of balance and ugly. Do yo ever see it that way too? Or is it all about believing hurting others is the only thing that can be done because you feel what you’re doing to others is the right thing?