You Were Warned
“You know you really shouldn’t get involved with me you know, I am damaged.”
“Well, it is a little bit late for that isn’t it? I am already involved.”
“I know and I am glad to hear you tell me that, really I am, because I want you more than anything. I have not wanted anybody else in the way I want you but it is because of that I think you would be better off without me.”
“Don’t be silly, what do you mean by that?”
“You are so wonderful, so perfect. I truly have not met anyone like you. It is as if everything I have ever wanted and needed in somebody has been put together and rolled into one.”
“That is lovely of you to say, but I am not perfect, far from it.”
“To me you are.”
“Bless you, that is so sweet. I think you are wonderful too, not at all damaged. I cannot believe you said that.”
“Well I am.”
“Not from where I am sitting. You are incredible. Thoughtful, loving, attentive, interesting, sensual and so passionate. Those are just a few of the things that spring to mind when I think about you.”
“Oh let me see. Generous, yes generous and kind, considerate and successful. Entertaining as well. I don’t think I know anybody who can light up a room like you do. I love to watch you when you have everyone’s attention, I can see how much they love to listen to you.”
“Oh you are just saying those things to make me feel better.”
“No not at all, I mean every word, I really do. I have not met anyone as special as you and that is why I love you as I do.”
“You shouldn’t, I don’t mean to be rude, but you will only get hurt.”
“How? By you?”
“I don’t know; I just always seem to mess things up. It may sound strange but somehow I want to think, I mean, I kind of know it should work with you, with you more than anybody else, I suppose I am just terrified that what we have is so wonderful, so perfect that I might do something to ruin it and then you would be hurt and I could not stand for that to happen.”
“You see, there you are again, considerate and kind.”
“I could not live with myself if I hurt you and I just do not want to run that risk of that happening. You do not deserve to be hurt.”
“That won’t happen, I can feel it. What you and I have is something out of the ordinary.”
“Yes we have haven’t we?”
“Absolutely. I love you and you love me and nobody is going to change that.”
“I know, I know, but what if, you know I do something?”
“I don’t know, it is just that well, previous relationships have not exactly been successful have they? My track record is not great.”
“No but that wasn’t your fault was it? Look, you told me all about what has happened in the past. Not many men would be so honest as you to admit to what you have gone through. That takes real courage and is typical of the honesty and decency you exude. You are a good man and you have been treated abhorrently by some wicked people. Oooh, if I ever met them, I don’t know what I would do.”
“I knew you would understand. You always do. You get me. They never did you see. I tried you know. I always tried to make it work. I just wanted both of us to be happy but you know when whatever you do is not enough? When no matter how hard you try to please somebody but they always find some kind of fault? That was them. They made me feel like it was my fault a lot of the time. They had that way of twisting everything around so I was made out to be the villain. It is hard to explain it, but that is what they did.”
“I understand. There are some people who just delight in the misery of other people but that is not going to happen with you and me.”
“No. We have both suffered previously.”
“I know. That is why I do not want to hurt you, you have had enough from the past and you deserve to be treated properly.”
“Well that is what you do. I could not ask for a better boyfriend, I really could not. You put me first, ahead of everything and you do so much for me. I really do appreciate it and each day I feel more in love with you because of what you do for me.”
“Thank you. That is all I want. Both of us to be happy. I think it must just be because of what has happened in the past, I am worried that this time, having found you, it will go wrong again and you will be hurt and I could not live with that.”
“Honestly, there is nothing to worry about. You have just been made to feel like this because of what they have done to you. It is understandable. I know you won’t hurt me. How could anyone who says the things you say to me ever hurt me? I have never had someone say the wonderful and beautiful things you say to me before. You leave me in tears. Tears of happiness admittedly because you just know what to say, you understand me.”
“Yes. There is a connection and it is deep and meaningful and I do not want that ever to be severed. I will fight to my dying breath to stay connected to you. I want to become you.”
“See, there you go again, saying the most wonderful things.”
“You bring it out in me. If it wasn’t for you I don’t know what I would do.”
“Well you don’t have to wonder do you? You’ve got me and you always will have.”
“Do you mean that?”
“You see I am really in heaven every time we kiss. I don’t ever want to hurt you or lose you.”
“That will never happen. You have me forever.”
“I hope so, I really do.”
“You do. Now, let’s not have any more talk about you hurting me, that isn’t going to happen. We have the rest of our lives to be together and be happy. Let me get another bottle of wine, no, it is my turn, you stay there. You do enough running around after me, let me do something for you for a change.”
“Okay, same again please.”
“Coming right up. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
7 thoughts on “You Were Warned”
My narc actually said similar things to me. It almost seems like they are taking accountability and blaming themselves for their past relationships that failed. I know thats not true. They don’t take accountability. I also realize that this is pity play to gain fuel. He’s blaming himself so the new victim will tell him he is brilliant and amazing and gets that positive fuel. My responses were very similar to hers.
Here’s my question, what is the narcissist actually thinking when he says these things? I know the narcissism is saying you can gain fuel by making her feel bad for you. But the narcissist doesn’t know he’s a narcissist so he’s not actually thinking let me roll out a pity play to get fuel. So what is he thinking?
I am pleased to see what you have written in your second paragraph as that demonstrates you have grasped the difference between what the narcissism is “thinking” and what the narcissist thinks, they are two distinct aspects for the majority of narcissists, so credit to you. Many people struggle with that concept.
In the instance of this article, Leigh, the narcissist thinks they are being kind and considerate when, as you have identified, what they are really doing is using Pity Plays and False Compassion in order to achieve the Prime Aims, although of course, they do not know that.
Thank you Mr. Tudor! I’m so happy I pleased the teacher! Its through your teachings on this blog, your books and logic bulletins that I’ve learned so much. While I do understand that there are two distinct aspects of the narcissist, I sometimes still struggle with what they are actually thinking. It’s my thirst for knowledge and understanding that makes me want to understand both aspects of the narcissist.
Mr. Tudor, I will forever be grateful to you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! A thousand times, thank you!
It’s almost word for word what I was told in the beginning of the relationship with my now ex husband of 5 months” i will hurt you, I’m damaged goods”. ” I will ruine your beautiful pure soul and not even mean to ” ” there is something wrong with me do you know what it’s like to be jealous of someone you love because they are so good and kind and genuinely care and love others the way you do?”.
I wish I would of heard what he was saying 13 years ago before the baby ,before the 2 times finding out about the affairs one of which occurred during a cancer diagnosis and treatment. And now I’m being punished for exposing him and his current source a year ago after finding out they were together. During which he was married to me and she to someone as well.and having to deal with him due to custody is excruciating and she is just as bad as he is if not worse .
I’m glad I’m free but I am beginning to think I will never really be free and will always in some way be punished for not falling in line like he expected.
I don’t know how many times my narc said he would never hurt me … more than I care to remember.
I also gave him a rundown on his good points with no return on my investment (I did not get the same rundown).
Definitely take this one back on myself sometimes.
Brilliant piece – glad I missed most of them – you really are a gem…wolf in sheep’s clothing…one’s basic nature eventually betrays itself.
“one’s basic nature eventually betrays itself”
Very true and, interestingly, something Narcx said often.