What The Narcissist Thinks : Present Silent Treatment
I think I have said enough. I wish you would think the same. You have never shut up asking me about my day at work as I try to watch the sport on television. On and on you have gone asking question after question. It makes me wonder why you are so bloody interested. Fishing for something are you? Trying to catch me out? You won’t do that. I am cleverer than you. Much cleverer. What I do at work is nothing to do with you and you won’t find out about my plans there until such time as I decide that you should know. And it isn’t time, so I wish you would just be quiet and let me watch this game. You keep on going, talking over my television viewing which tells me that you regard my viewing experience as unimportant and that tells me you obviously think I am not important and you really ought to know by now that I am important. I hate you doing this. I can feel the burning from your selfish and treacherous action and it is paining me, but I know what to do. I know how to stop this pain and believe me I am going to do it and do it now.
You never know when to shut up do you? I suppose you think you are being plessant asking me how my day has been, but you don’t care, you just do it for the sake of appearances, to make you look good, the caring and interested partner. I know your game. I have you worked out, you are a fraud. Yap, yap, yap,like some irritating puppy around my ankles, on and on you go. Just shut up will you? I cannot concentrate with your wasp like buzzing around me.
“How is the new recruit getting on?”
“How is the project developing?”
“Where did you go for that business lunch? Was it good? What did you have to eat? Who was it with?”
Just shut up. No, you are still chattering away. I don’t think you are even waiting for an answer are you? Just asking questions to seem like you are involving me in the conversation when all you are doing is engaging in another of your pointless and egotistical monologues. Do you know how boring you sound? If I wasn’t trying to concentrate on this match I think I would slip into a coma listening to you drone on with your worthless opinions and your anodyne observations.
Just shut up. No? Very well. I will. No, I am not saying anything. I am not even going to nod, shake my head or make an affirmative grunt. Nothing. A total silence.
My goodness me, you have stopped. Perhaps you have remembered that you need to breathe? Ah, excellent you have noticed that I no longer appear to be listening. Believe me, I am listening and I am doing so with considerable attentiveness, because I need to listen to what is coming my way. Let me guess, I think you will lead with “are you listening to me?” any second now and yes, there it is as predicted. I am not going to answer. Go on, repeat the question and true to form you do so. Now I have your attention haven’t I? I can see you from the corner of my eye as I stare at the screen pretending that the figures running around with the ball are more interesting than you. They are not because what you are starting to do is what I am interested in. I can see you leaning forward, trying to catch my eye. I know you are there but I am not going to acknowledge you. Sometimes you throw something towards me to get my attention, usually a cushion. It is not a nasty action,not like when I throw things at you. That reminds me, I must replace that coffee mug which I hurled at you. You were light on your toes that day as it sailed past and smashed against the wall. Anyway, that was last week and this is now and I can hear you asking the question a third time. Will it be the cushion? No, you have chosen to stand up instead. Gosh, you must be looking to assert some authority from the get go.
“I am talking to you.”
I know that you are but I am not answering you but already I can hear the mounting irritation in your voice and already I can feel the flames rising inside of me as they burn away the cold, harsh iciness of your criticism. That pain is already receding.
“Will you answer me please?”
No I will not. I have to turn my head so you do not see my smirk at your attempt to be commanding. It amuses me. I can see your hands move to your hips and I half expect you to stamp the ground with your foot.
“What’s the matter? Why won’t you answer me?”
The voice rises higher, signalling your anxiety and frustration and the flames continue to build inside of me. I maintain the stony faced expression, ink black eyes staring at the screen. I can see the movement on the television but it as if I am watching it from very far away as all that I am concentrating on now is your voice and the continuing delicious flaming sensation that is sweeping across me.
“Why are you not answering me?”
The questions have altered now haven’t they? A switch from your nosiness about my work to you now asking why I have fallen silent. You can keep asking and I know you will. You will go on for some time. You will storm out of the room trying to force a response from me, but your slammed door just keeps the flames burning. You will come back in. you always do. You will return contrite and apologising although you won’t know what you are trying to apologise for. Still, that won’t stop you going through a carousel of reasons in the hope of breaking my silence.
“Did I upset you?”
“Did I say something wrong?”
“Did I not listen to you?”
“Did I say something offensive?”
“Please, what did I do wrong?”
“Please will you just talk to me?”
“I hate this. I hate falling out. What is that I have done?”
Every time you ask these questions, the pain and concern in your voice keeps adding to the sense of power that I am feeling. The wound you created has long since closed and now I am savouring the growing power that courses through me. You have no idea what you are doing as you try, as you always do, to make things right. I will stay seated here, not even looking at you. You won’t try and stand in front of me whilst I am watching the television. You will not dare do that or switch it off. You remember what happened last time when you did that don’t you and I know you won’t be in a hurry to experience that again. I can sit and revel in my power over you and you just keep adding to it with your pitiful and plaintive questions. You will try to find out what is wrong, you will blame yourself next and start to apologise as you scramble to guess what it is that you have done wrong in the hope that you stumble on the right subject matter and make things rights. But you will fail. Then you move on to trying to bribe me into speaking to you, suggesting we go out, or my friends come round for drinks tomorrow night or that you will cook me something special. Keep at it, I won’t respond. I will not even look at you. You are completely invisible to me as far as you are concerned.
I wonder how long I will maintain this silence with you? You haven’t worked out what to do yet, I am pleased to say. You keep on asking, pestering and questioning, driven by your own anxiety that causes you to want to ascertain what has happened and make things right. This means you might break off for half an hour but then you resume, trying a different tack. If all you knew you had to so was do exactly what I am doing and it would stop. Go silent and get on with what you want to do and I will start speaking to you and acknowledging you once again as I consider a different manipulation to use against you to gather my precious fuel. Fortunately, your empathic nature which means you want to understand and you want to fix and heal, will make you hang in there and all the while you provide me with fuel and power me. So long as you do so, so long the silence will continue.
10 thoughts on “What The Narcissist Thinks : Present Silent Treatment”
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I had THIS conversation MANY times with my now-deceased covert narc husband during the past 42 years! He could have been the one who wrote this post, minus the throwing things. That wasn’t his style. He stuck with the verbal blows — he didn’t believe in hitting a woman or throwing things. If either of us threw something, it was me throwing something at him out of pure frustration! I always knew something was “off”, but I had no idea that he was a narcissist and that I am an empath until after he passed in February of this year. I’ve been doing lots of internet research since he passed and I discovered evidence of his final affair about 6 weeks after he died. HG’s site came up in one of those internet searches, and I’ve been lurking here since then. Reading HG’s posts have helped me to figure out my life, which included serial cheating (which I stupidly thought ended decades ago but I learned after he died that the cheating went on until he passed) and financial shenanigans. Note to all narcissists, especially married narcissists: It’s really really hard to keep your double life hidden after you die! Thanks HG for what you are doing for us empaths! I have learned so much from you. Most of it has been hard to read, but it’s essential. I am learning how to protect myself when the time comes for me to get back out there in the dating pool (not that it’s happening any time soon!).
You are welcome.
All I have to say now is talk to the hand if I want to ask you how your day went or how you feel or what you’re thinking I can It’s my prerogative if you don’t want to answer it’s your loss you’re just a spoiled brat anyways but I’m not going to destroy my kindness and my empathy over a holllow person .
If you know you are dealing with a narcissist, why are you still around asking the narcissist how he is? GOSO.
Yes HG I do agree with you somewhat , sometimes my answers just come from the top of my head from experience living for 67 years from being the daughter of a psychopathic narcissist and a co-dependent mother that later became much like him and that’s 18 years with that, and of course it left me open to a man as I have said many , many times that was 25 years older than I and I was married to for 45 years until he died at 88 years old and now in the past couple of years knowing a very lesser as you put it in every way narcissist that’s completely different than the cerebral husband very very different in every way then my hubby I loved for so many years.
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Gathering so much knowledge from just these three experiences from birth to 67 years of age going through total hip replacements twice and a stroke a T I A which affected my speech couldn’t even say my name at 35 couldn’t see out of the left eye then it started to come back now the eye thing is getting worse but I do speak from a lot of experience and it’s from the heart and I don’t research my answers I don’t look things up in a dictionary I’m not into all the fancy words even though I know that may be I should
Try to empress but I don’t really care about doing so . I grab the words I need for the moment and hoping everyone can pick up on it because there was a time I couldn’t speak and it was very difficult I worked for a publishing company with my husband for 30 years and not to be able to say the name of the company or my own name it was mostly mail and telephone work and I nearly lost everything I nearly lost my life .Now there’s big issues with the gastro stomach and all that stuff . but I know nobody cares about that but I do and so getting back to the subject that my first post was about of course yes NO CONTACT IS THE WAY TO GO .if people would re-read my stuff once in a while I am doing no contact it’s very difficult and I’ve tried four other times this time it’s working but I’m not talking about that I’m referring to everyday relationships I’m also a nurse that’s retired I worked with the bullies I worked with the the LPNs the registered nurses and also the nurses aides I had to have people fired I watched them hurt the elderly intentionally how they would cover for each other . I really didn’t know at the time what to call it Never knowing the word NARCISSIST I had my life threatened and I had to leave a very prosperous position and work on my own finding my own patients but there are circumstances you know Hg where you have to indulge in small talk with the NARCISSIST my great friends that are very empathetic doctors and attorneys they have to work along side the bullies and be
caring in their speech . I’ve met a few surgeons which where highly narcissistic and it’s better to try to work together you know what someone is the red flags go up even if you don’t study this literature you still know something is off with them there s something wrong with their personality, maybe you have to stay away from them. but you can’t because you’re working . I was told to leave the elderly to die , They needed food they needed love . The whole
Place was run by NARCISSISTs I had to bite my tongue and be kind be nice to survive to protect the patients. Now in my later years h.g. I’ve learned so much from you its almost killed me , every question answered but I will not stop being me yes narc’s do bite but so do the others .
@Smarinucci
I have a good friend who thinks the same way as you do in terms of “not allowing a narc to change you, or destroy your kindness”
She thinks she’s operating out of empathy (which is part of it) but the primary reason she can’t let go is because of the addiction to narcissists.
I told her that for me eventually survival mode kicks in and it’s either them or it’s me and so I choose me, but she said she doesn’t have that strength, she feels like she needs to wean herself off the narc slowly.
That’s addiction, not kindness or empathy.
Direct that kindness to yourself and not to someone who doesn’t care about you or anyone else.
Yes witch. I do understand the wisdom in your words but !!!! I’m certainly not like your friend , what works for me might not work for her. We have , eyes nose mouth but we don’t look alike lve learned at a young age appease the NARCISSTS in my life to survive and if that takes kindness on my part and small talk well then I’m just being my EMPATHETIC self because they are people too and need someone to converse with . As long as I don’t let my guard down and remember what I have learned from H.g. TUDOR I’m safe . Thanks witch 💃
@smarinucci
I learnt how to appease narcissists early too because both my parents are narcs.
This is the root of my narc addiction and why I am drawn to certain narcissists and I want them to like me.
However, I know and understand that my narc addiction is illogical and delusional and self-sabotage.
Reaching out to narcissists in any way to try and appease them or show them kindness is rooted in narc addiction and it is illogical. Even sometimes when I try to reach out to HG it’s rooted in narc addiction.
I’m not saying that it is easy to cut a narc out of your life completely and that it is realistic for everyone to achieve that right away. But it’s important to know what the root issue is as to why you can’t let go, rather than continuing to convince yourself that you are in control and that you can handle the narcissist.
Ah yes, I’ve been experiencing this for months now. I finally decided to own my part and apologize while taking responsibility for my actions which were a triggered response to his lying, rude nonsense, but I didn’t say that last part. I said that I’m only accepting responsibility for my own behavior though and left it at that. I did, however, give him the reality of a situation he made assumptions about when he did his smear campaign and told him I wanted him to know the truth but he was free to think whatever he wanted to about it since it doesn’t make a difference to me. As a truthseeker, I shall share my truth for Christ’s sake. I tried to avoid sounding like I was implying anything as in “Here’s reality and it’s not what you thought it was” to tell him he’s wrong. He can come up with whatever excuses and distort reality like he always does. His actions said way more about him than they did about me and I did tell him that too. I said that I don’t wish him to make himself look bad on social media when speaking of me and I really don’t want him to look a fool like he so often does. Not my decision though. I mainly wanted him to feel me detach cuz I did it with a clean severing like a guillotine would do. And I have no doubt he felt it–he may not have known what it was, but I’ve known that I’ve been able to do this with others when my childhood attachment issues have gripped too tightly. Suddenly, that grip is gone like it was never there. I don’t think it’s painful for them and i don’t know if it’s relieving, just that it’s there one minute and gone the next. I doubt this one will try any hoovers and I’d be surprised, real surprised if he did. And I’m totally fine either way cuz if there should be a next time, I will do things much differently and he won’t be coming back into my life no matter what. I’m willing to hear him out but that’s it. And if it never happens, it’ll be far too soon anyway.
Mine was very good at adjusting his approach for victims. It was one of the reasons I fell for what he said… because I knew for a fact he never told his previous girlfriend he loved her. Now I understand why. But back then I assumed it was becauSe he felt different.
One of his victims – who I assumed over lapped with me- I at one point felt sorry for ( I think I actually commented about my concern for her on this site ) anyways… her marriage ended. Likely because of him. And I was feeling all bad for her until she posted these smoking pictures of herself (looking 10 years younger ) she definitely unfriended the narc from Facebook … and then posted a pic of her and her new man ! All smiles looking amazing ! … so basically she’s my hero 😂 here I am casually spying on his life while she’s just getting on with hers… clearly I was affected a bit more then her 😂