The Wrong No Contact
No Contact.
This is what anybody who has been a victim of our kind must achieve. Whether that status of victim stems from being a friend to a narcissist where you are taken for granted, used when the narcissist needs a lift or someone to moan to or whether it is the beaten down and trampled Intimate Partner Primary Source who was wife, boyfriend or partner has endured and suffered extensive abuse, no contact is the antidote.
Building that robust and effective wall of no contact can be difficult. It is time consuming, requires rigour and perseverance and not only are you trying to repel the advances of the narcissist who is trying to breach your no contact regime, you also have to fight against yourself and your emotional thinking which is trying to make you breach no contact as well. Indeed, it is often your emotional thinking which proves to be the harder enemy to conquer and it is not a one-off battle. Your emotional thinking, because of who you are and the emotional infection your engagement with the narcissist has caused, means that this is an ongoing battle which requires your repeated vigilance. Through the application of understanding and building your Logic Defences, the task does become easier, but it is not one which goes away. Like any wall, it must be checked, maintained and patrolled, otherwise holes and breaches occur and the narcissist will impact on you once again.
Time and time again I see people who think they have put in place no contact and they have not. Sometimes it almost beggars belief that the victim thinks they have established no contact – it is obvious they have not. In other instances you could be forgiven (if forgiveness was something I gave) for thinking you have implemented no contact but in actual fact you have not. There are many instances where people think they have instigated no contact and all they have done is embark on The Wrong No Contact. Here are just a few of the many ways in which you might be getting no contact wrong and the risks that come with this.
- Looking At Social Media
Just because the narcissist does not explicitly know you have looked at his or her social media does not mean this is no contact. Indeed, we rely on you doing so and expect you to look at our social media, that is why in certain instances you are not blocked from looking at our Facebook account, Twitter feed, Instagram and so forth. We want you to look at it. Just because you are not interacting directly with us, just because you are not commenting and we are not replying, just because you are not adding likes – this is not no contact. If you are looking at our social media you are likely to see indirect jibes made about you, Relationship Bulletins about your replacement, reminders of the golden period and even direct attacks against you. This will result in :-
- a risk you will be upset, hurt, angry
- the maintenance of the emotional infection because you are thinking about us
- a surge of emotional thinking which may cause you to contact us to attack us for our barbed comments towards you, to seek answers when you are upset about the reminder of an anniversary or similar
- stopping you from moving forward
2. Not Blocking Our Number
You may think that it will be the first thing you will do when you commence no contact. You block our number from your telephone and mobile phone so that we cannot call or text you from the relevant number. Of course we may get around this by using a different device therefore that is why you are better served by changing your telephone numbers, but if you do not change the numbers then you ought to block the new number of ours which appears and keep doing so, like a matador dodging the on rushing bull each time to avoid harm.
Nevertheless, the number of occasions I see people who claim they are no contact but they have not blocked our number is higher than you might think. These people think that if they, as victim, do not contact us, then that is no contact. No, it is not. Of course, those people who do not block the number are giving in to their emotional thinking because they WANT the narcissist to contact them.
If you do not block our number, this is not no contact. One of the easiest hoovers for us to perform is to text you. It uses no effort, it brings with it a reduced consequence of wounding (say compared to ringing you on the telephone or seeing you in person) and allows the drawing of fuel. If you do not block our number, you are lowering the hoover bar to such a low level that hoovers are more or less inevitable.
The emotional thinking of victims tells them things such as :-
- It is over, there was a ‘final discard’ he will never contact me anyway;
- If she does text me, I won’t reply and that will wound her, so actually I am ‘winning’;
- There might be an emergency and therefore I cannot block him
Utter rubbish.
There is no such thing as a final discard. We will contact you, subject to the Hoover Trigger being activated and the Hoover Execution Criteria being met. If you do not block us, this is going to happen. You will be hoovered.
If you allow a text through, you are maintaining the emotional infection and you will suffer a surge in emotional thinking which may very well result in you responding and before you know it, you are not only providing fuel but you are being drawn back into the Formal Relationship. Months later you will ask ‘how the hell did that happen?’ Every text which arrives adds more and more to your emotional thinking until such time that you can no longer resist. Oh, I hear your protestations that you can resist but i have witnessed such resolve melt away. If you are playing Russian roulette and pull the trigger once and do not blow your brains out, you have survived. Pick the gun up again and again and again and eventually you will kill yourself. This is the similar effect of repeatedly engaging with us by allowing those texts through – you WILL succumb.
So what if there is an emergency? I know you are kind, decent and honest but we are no longer your concern in that respect. You need to remind yourself that you have no obligation towards us (of course our perspective will make us tell you differently) and therefore that False Suicide Power Play Hoover is not something you have to deal with. If you co-parent establish a mechanism whereby the narcissist e-mails routine communication to you. You tell the narcissist in advance that you will check the e-mails once a week at a set time and never deviate from this. This way you cater for communication regarding the children but only expose yourself once a week to potential hoovers. When the narcissist realises this is being done, see how the hoover attempts diminish. If you need a mechanism for emergency communication, tell the narcissist to contact a third party who will then contact you. Use this gate keeper.
3. Keeping our telephone number
You may say that you will not use it and therefore think that this is no contact, but once again, this is not no contact. With our number sat in your phone, even if you have changed the description to ‘Arsehole Number One’ , ‘Shit 4 Brains’ or ‘Narcopath’ you are creating problems :-
- You see the name and number and you are then reminding yourself of us and thus this is a form of Ever Presence ;
- You are leaving open a gateway. There will be an occasion when your emotional thinking surges and causes you to try to contact us. If our number if there you will use it and message us or ring us. If there is no number, you cannot call us.
Do not come up with the nonsense of ‘I have memorised the number so I will remember it anyway so what difference does it make if I keep the number in my phone?’ Bollocks. Your memory is fallible and over time if you have not used our number, you will eventually forget it altogether or at least get some numbers mixed up. If it is still in your directory, you will ring it.
Delete that number. Do it and do it immediately.
4. Talking to friends and family about us
You may think that because you are not engaging with us directly then this must mean no contact is in place. It is not in place if you continue to talk about us to your friends and your family. This is causing you to engage with us, albeit indirectly. All this does is result in :-
- You continuing to think about us with the consequential impact on your emotions;
- The continued feeding of the emotional infection which you should be purging, not feeding ;
- Allowing your emotional thinking to surge with the risk this may control you once again and you end up contacting us or succumbing to a direct hoover with all that follows from that
It is of course inevitable that you will discuss the situation with your family and friends especially when you do not understand what you are dealing with. However, once you realise you are dealing with a narcissist then there does not need to be any more discussion. If you are not sure whether the person is, do not discuss it with your family and friends, they invariably have no idea whether the person is or not, they have no expertise. Indeed, they may well be revelling in joining in the ‘narc hating’ sessions which are actually not helping you at all. Alternatively, they may well be sick of hearing you going on about him or her and want you to shut up, but tolerate it out of a sense of loyalty. If you are unsure, ask me and I will give it to you straight, one way or the other.
Once you know, you go.
No more debating it with your best friend. No more mulling it over with your football mates after the game in the pub. No more ‘ifs and buts’ discussions with your parents. This person is a narcissist and you are not to dedicate any time to discussing this person. If you have to discuss an arrangement concerning the narcissist because they are collecting the children from your parents, then that is allowable but keep it to that. You do not need to tell people what the narcissist did or said. All you are doing is repeating this person is a narcissist, you already know this, they already know this, so why keep going on about it?
You do it because your emotional thinking wants you to do so. It wants you poring over the latest misbehaviour because it craves the horrified gasps from your friends or looks of disapproval from your mother. You do not need these responses.
Do not talk about us. Explain to your friends you do not want the narcissist spoken about to you. If they try to do so, politely explain again that this person means nothing to you anymore and therefore there is no need to talk about them.
5. Watching what we are doing
You may make the intelligence agencies proud of your covert observation of us as you watch where we go, who we are with and what we are doing. You do not need to do this. Again, once you know what we are, get out and stay out. Yes, I understand it is so tempting to know what we are up to, are we seeing someone else, what does he or she look like, why are we going to these places but all you are doing is succumbing to your emotional thinking which is conning you into maintaining a link with us.
Your emotional thinking will tell you that it is permissible to engage in this behaviour because you are not contacting us directly, you are merely observing. These are examples of your emotional thinking conning you into thinking this stalking and observation is a good idea
- You are gathering evidence to tell other people what we are doing to confirm what you have told them previously (you do not need to – you know what we are, that is all you need, you do not have to persuade other people)
- You are gathering evidence for a court case (you do not have to do it – hire somebody to do this or if you cannot afford to do that, have a friend or family member do it – also question whether you really need to this evidence)
- You want to know who the narcissist is seeing so you can warn this person about us (part of your decent nature but unnecessary – you owe the new person no such obligation to warn then and in any event it is unlikely you will be believed because of the smearing we will have done against you)
- You just need to know for your own piece of mind (utter nonsense, you do not need to know at all)
Recognise these sleights of mind by your emotional thinking and act on them.
If you keep watching us, all you are doing is
- Creating harmful emotions that impact on you
- Keeping the emotional infection alive and growing
- Causing your emotional thinking to surge so you contact us directly
- Being spotted by us and suffering a hoover (benign or malign)
- Being spotted by us and being on the end of a restraining order or similar for harassment etc
These are just five examples of The Wrong No Contact. There are many more. Be alert for them, recognise them and understand why you are not implementing no contact. Stop letting your emotional thinking con you.
Once you know, you go.
Get out, stay out.
70 thoughts on “The Wrong No Contact”
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It is realy frustrating for me now!
It is about my brother. Last friday he was taken to my mother’s house by the Police.
His Narc girlfriend had him aressted, this is the second time this happend!
He ofcourse did nothing to deserve this, in our perpective. But he must have threathen her control.
He brought a letter from the justice department, saying that he is not allowed to go to their house for 10 days, to cool down the situation. And with an appointment on Monday about how these 10 days should be.
My mother calls me for help, iam thinking this is great! 10 days away from her! Then he has a change to get away from her influence.
On my advice, he blocked her on his phone, Facebook etc. So far So good.
But ofcourse she found a loophole to get contact, via the justice department.
Yesterday the justice department called him to change the appointment and that she is gonna be there to!
That is breach of no contact.
My brother is still thinking he can have some influence on her and the situation , he does not understand much about NPD yet.
I want to help him, but he has to see this first.
Otherwise i have to back off.
Anyway, i just needed to vent my frustation.
That must be incredibly frustrating for you all, and I hope you can get it sorted out maybe with some help from HG.
I also got word today of a family connection where the daughter has just informed her mother she has become pregnant to her lesser narc boyfriend. The mother and family had instituted a no contact regime with regard to the boyfriend, but she is still ensnared. Now even more so. This young girl (21) has been beaten by her boyfriend before and I’d say she has more of that in store. None of it augurs well for the daughter of her child’s future. I hope she can escape, but It’s likely to take a while and I hope no tragedy ensues.
Your brother having this 10 day hiatus is a great opportunity for escape and it seems you have advised him well. Really, really hoping for the best for you all.
That’s sound horrible too, i hope for the best for her too!
Indeed he has now the opportunity for escape, that is the good part of this.
Deleting the texts and everything on my phone felt like jumping off a cliff. I literally had my friend hold me to it, but I did it.
Now I feel much better. I’m not at 100%, but I know with all my being that if those texts were still on my phone, even if I didn’t look at them, I’d not have healed as much as I have because I would still be holding on to the “past” or “him” or the “story of us” and not focused on myself and the present.
I’m already a thousand times better. Delete. Delete. Delete.
Well done.
BC
Good job. Focus on fabulous you.
Definitely would feel like a bit of a cliff jumping exercise. Good expression. And a friend to hold your hand and make sure if you didn’t jump she would push you off, even better!
Glad you managed to take the leap, and your comment is giving more of the encouragement I need to do the same.
Thanks for sharing.
Perhaps take baby steps lickem? When a smoker is quitting occasionally they use a patch to ease into the process. You could possibly save messages that are special to you ? and then contrast that with messages from times he really hurt you to remind you what you were dealing with. I kept one message that I could use to support my case about him should he try and make my life a living hell after the break up. Unless you need the text messages as evidence for a court case (as another commentator pointed out) there really is no reason to keep them
However, cold turkey generally yields the best results. But if you’re not ready for cold turkey… you’re not. This is your healing journey and you’ve got to do what works for you and take steps when you feel ready. We are all advocating for it simply because we’ve done it and we know it works.
Try not to view it as you erasing a piece of history, see it as you letting go of the notion that things could have been any different.
When you’re ready… you will know. In the meantime a lot of us are right here with you. Finding our true self’s again one day at a time.
Thank you Empath007 for your kind and encouraging words once again.
I managed to take the bull by the horns and delete the msgs, along with his number. It was a big step which I was only able to take after letting knowledge and understanding wash over me here, that has been quite cleansing and cathartic in many ways, and absorb what I needed from that. It gave me the ability to take that step. HG and others here, including yourself, gave me the courage to take it. I couldn’t have stepped into this space and immediately begun undoing the past that in some ways had been thrust on me. There was far too much to untangle. But, baby steps has probably been my thinking from the start.
Yea !! Good for you 🤗
Emotional thinking…..That’s what we none narcs would call love . I have never seen HG write in the context of how we love the narcs. I totally get though it’s because there is no experience of it. It’s not a critisisim. And it shows his narcness.
It just hit me how I never seen it described as how we love these people……We do…..I will openly say I loved my ex narc, still do. Because that’s what makes me not one of them…..
I don’t want to be described as having emotional thoughts. I dont need to be hardened. I feel love. And I’m still proud of that fact regardless of if the narc has used this as a weapon against me. I don’t and refuse to see it as a weakness. Being able to love is a good thing. When I see the term emotional thinking rather than love. I have visions of hysterical crying women.
But it doesn’t stop what HG has written from being bang on. And out of sight out of mind does work towards lessening the pain.
No, emotional thinking is not love. Emotional thinking is making decisions which are not founded in logic. You can love someone and still make logical decisions, your love devotee trait is often highjacked by your emotional thinking, but emotional thinking is not love.
I am struggling to differentiate the two.
Then you should arrange a consultation and you will struggle no longer.
Not wanting to harden your heart is part of the emotional thinking. You can harden your heart towards narcissists and still be a loving person. The narc can’t change your empath status whether you love them or not.
Correct.
Keep reading dollysupreme, and your brain will get there. Once there – the relief. You no longer need to look for acknowledgement (which is a lot of what kept my emotional thinking going). The only acknowledgement you need of what you experienced is from yourself and you get that by reading from here, over and over. I am proud of how i loved that arsehole, proud of myself. But i see him for what he is and no longer feel sorry for him either (which kept me in the relationship). To use a similarity, I live on a Jurassic coastline and can find several tiny fossil stones each time i walk on the beach Without any concentrated searching, Fossils which others cannot see – even if they hunt the beach inch by inch With their fingertips. That is because i have walked there for years and my eyes can scan the stones and pick out the fossils as i walk at normal speed. I guess my brain is doing the searching due to its learning patterns over the years of my walks. I attune the ability to think logically in an emotional situation a bit like that. I keep reading, come here every day for 5 or 50 minutes, and i now find i am applying that distinct logic to my everyday life without such concentrated angst or woolly thinking that comes from being emotional. I sometimes get caught up in emotional thinking – likely with my son (!) but it doesnt take over like it used to. It’s certainly opened up my eyes at work and i dont take the behaviour of the narcissists i now recognised personally anymore. I can compartmentalise their behaviour and find recognising what they are a minor triumph of my day And its getting as easy as finding several fossils on a morning walk!
I love what you said DollySupreme, and I felt every word as I read it. It made sense to me.
So does HGs explanation below. There is much to reflect on coming out of this post today.
Dolly
You loved a person who didn’t really exist and “love” was not what was returned to you, but you thought it was real. There had to be emotional thinking involved. You won’t become hardened by using logic. Think of it as being better able to recognize with your head when your heart can be authentically reciprocated and not squandered on those who are not able to.
Thank you all. I don’t mind saying it. I find it very difficult to get my head around the fact that a) people cannot feel love and emotion. And b) they can never be cured.
dolly
I know, it’s hard. Very. You will get there. Promise.
It is difficult to understand when you’re not a narc. I was shocked when HG first told me that my ex does not feel empathy at all.
But let me put it this way.. I have a pet lizard, he’s psychopathic. He does not particularly appreciate affection. He is not a social animal and would mainly live a solitary life in the wild except when ready to mate or sometimes when sharing a long slab of rock with other lizards of the same species to sunbath on.
He does not love me or care about me, (he has not evolved with the ability to do so) although he does not try to hurt me, he simply tolerates me.
When I open his enclosure he looks at my hands to see if I’ve brought him bugs to eat. That’s all he cares about, me bringing him food and cleaning his poo.
I am his servant.
It’s not in his nature to be a dog, similarly it’s not in a narcs nature to be an empath.
This is a great analogy, thank you Witch. As a reptile keeper I can see it!
I feel the same DollySupreme, and I’m guilty of almost everything on this list. I haven’t gone no contact. I just can’t bring myself to be that hardened….Yet. It kind of feels that by not allowing him to contact me, I’m a bit of a bitch. I still love him (Or my false “idea” of him) and I still feel bad for him that he has to live like this. ET all over. I am hoping he’ll move away soon, then I can draw the curtains on this. Until then, I can’t bear to see him every day and completely blank him.
I’d say it’s not possible to go no contact if you still see your narc everyday. There must be a reason for that and I can’t imagine seeing my narc everyday and being able to blank him. The empath in you is unlikely to be able to do that, and you would have to become quite hardened. Or at least bring the emotional thinking quotient down to zero. Better to take hardened out of the equation as that is probably the wrong way to look at it. You are not being hard if you are protecting yourself and denying him the opportunity to bullshit you. That is being sensible and kind to yourself. He’s not going to do that for you. I think Witch is right in getting the perspective on how narcs view the world (like a lizard) and it’s not possible to hurt their feelings. It’s only possible to being open to have your own feelings hurt with the expectation they feel the same way we do. They don’t. And more likely than not if they can’t use us they will find someone else they can use. It’s their MO. It’s not personal to them at all. It’s just a denial of fuel which they’ll eventually go and find elsewhere.
I do hope you find a way to move out of his orbit. And I hope you don’t have to wait for him to leave.
Then you ensure you do not see the narcissist every day. You are not an indentured servant.
It’s difficult H.G. He lives right next door and we are in no position to move.
Noted. I have helped numerous people deal with the narcissist next door (intimate and non-intimate) to great effect, arrange a consult and I will help you also.
Dolly, I suggest the audio, “Is It Love” from the Knowledge Vault. You will find in many of HG’s pieces that he demonstrates a keen understanding of our love and addiction for his kind. He must study it and understand it to have it directed toward him. His very survival depends upon the skillful extraction of our emotions.
Thank you MB. I shall have a look
I listened to it again this morning before recommending. Brilliant!
dolly
With the greatest of respect, Hg has written about it from the emotional and empathic perspective. Many times. For some reason, probably because your ET is high and therefore your own ER are also high.
This is not meant as criticism. Far from it. You need to SHIFT yourself out of the perspective you have found yourself. Undoubtless, over no fault of your own.
Its incredibly hard when emotions are involved. No question. But it must be done. When you do that, you’re on the path.
I’ll let you into another secret. Just because you remove yourself from some twat of a MRN, doesnt mean to say we lose our ability to love.
What we learn is how to discriminate. I hope you understand the difference. You will do, in time.
Renarde, time is driving me mad. I need to book that consult with H.G as soon as possible. Today I got in a “neighbourly” conversation with my narc and I wondered why he was wearing his wedding ring. He has been divorced from his “Narcissistic bitch” (His words) of an ex for 8 years. Why am I even wondering about it? Not my train set. Not my problem! I drink all the time now. He’s having a grand old time, and I’m OBSESSED. It’s actually laughable. One day I will write a book.
You are here now, invest in yourself now and book a consultation. Here is the link https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/
karmic
Yeah you bloody do and pronto. Eight years? Who cares what he has on his finger? No, you dont need to be having a conversation with him. You need to be living your life.
With the greatest of respect, you are still using ‘my’ Marc. He isnt. He needs to be kicked out of your brain, once and for all.
No good of it will come if you continue down this path.
I wouldn’t delay on HGs offer of a consult and he’s wearing his wedding ring to gaslight you.
He knows it will make you wonder, and wondering you are. That is reinforcing your obsession with him.
Just my thoughts, but sounds like he’s upping his game and you need someone to have your back.
HG would be the perfect one to do that.
From fossils to reptiles……I really do value people’s replies…..I’ve come such a long way in my thinking, yet I’ve still got so much to learn and I feel like a sponge soaking everything up! …….I also like the fact people are straight up and down on here…..No fannying about!
If I lose him (delete the number, lose the txts), I lose part of me. I lose part of my history. The good and the bad.
Damnatio Memoriae. I’ve had cause to look into this recently for other reasons.
Is it effective? Do I lose more than I gain? What of remembering the bad to ensure you avoid it again?
I completely understand the point you are making, HG. And I agree. Delete that narcissist from your life.
I just don’t know how far I have to go before I delete myself as well.
By deleting the narcissist, you find yourself, you do not lose yourself.
I understand.
lickemtomorrow
I’m not sure you do yet. You will do.
Lickem
The way I see it, he didn’t “complete” you (god that phrase makes me want to vomit). Truth be told – we alter ourselves in order to be with them, so you will return to who you were previously but with better knowledge and understanding. That is far from being “deleted”.
Hi NA, thanks for your comment. LOL to the ‘you complete me’ line … that movie “Gerry Maguire” totally drew me in, as did the storyline. Don’t forget “You had me at ‘hello'” I am a sucker for that shit and pretty sure my narc and I had that conversation when he hoovered me back in for the last time! I know you’re trying not to throw up again right now, btw.
Anyway, I knew who I was when I met him, which was fortunate for me as even though I was ‘taken in’, I was still very much my own person. I never truly lost myself, and the amount of challenges I threw at him probably kept him busy in the control department. No doubt he spent a lot of time in the narc version of the Situation Room.
I’ve certainly got better knowledge and understanding, and if it wasn’t for him I probably wouldn’t be here and know all that I know now. So, I can thank him for that.
I think the difficulty for me is the fact that I shared part of my life with him (as we all did with our own narcs) and he became a part of my life. He’s entangled in so many memories and experiences. Good old ever presence. Trying to extract him from that is nigh on impossible. Those are two and half years of my life I’ll never get back. And I don’t want him to take them from me. He may become a faded part in the background the further I move from him and the less my emotional thinking is involved with him, but as much as he took something from me he added something as well. Even if it’s just my current understanding.
I will at some stage erase more and more of him from my life and memories, but maybe just need to gain more of a foothold on my future before I can do that.
Preach! I’ve come to the point where I am starting to feel free and happy and like MYSELF.
Lickem
I recently cut off contact with both of my narc parents and they are in my DNA. The narc is only part of your identity if you want them to be or if you believe that they are.
You’re a separate unique individual who stands on their own.
This site reminds us of narcissists everyday and equips us with the knowledge to recognise them early. You don’t need to hold on to a phone number. In fact all that will do is breed temptation to contact the narc.
Correct.
Hi Witch, thank you for your comment and encouragement in terms of ‘letting go’.
It’s by far the safer option, and looking back at those things (old txts) only creates temptation.
I have also cut off a narcissistic parent and their number is in my phone still as well. She txt me last year for my birthday. It took quite a bit of strength not to txt her back. It had been a year at that stage and she’s getting older. I guess the only way out of that would be to change my number all together. But she hasn’t tried again since, and neither has he. I’m not so concerned about a call (I don’t think it’s going to happen now) as I am about losing the messages and memories that go along with them. In some ways it was a unique time in my life. Having said that, he was only part of it and not the whole. I haven’t revisited those messages since we broke up, so they’re unlikely to make little difference to me now in terms of where I’m headed. And the plan is to move forward.
If I keep in mind it was all an illusion it should be easier to jettison him (and his messages).
And if I manage to do that this weekend, I will come back here and let you know.
You want to lose weight.
Buy doughnuts and keep them in the cupboard, you have temptation under your nose.
Do not buy doughnuts and you cannot eat any.
Change the number. There is no logical reason to not do so.
OK. I’m going to dump this doughnut I’ve been keeping in the cupboard …
And you’re right, HG. There is no logical reason not to change the number.
I’m not expecting a call anyway.
Nor do I want one.
Mmmmm doughnuts… haha !
It is done.
The number and the messages have been deleted from my phone.
Thank you HG and everyone for your encouragement and support.
It’s time to take my life back.
And let him go for good.
Well done. Next, change your number.
Just as well I’m good at taking orders, HG! (I know they’re for my own good)
So …
Yes, Sir.
I will now look into changing my contact no.
Lickemtomorrow,
You do want the call. If nothing else but to confirm that he still wants you, misses you, thinks about you. I think we all want the call. We all actually want him to find a way to contact us, it’s why deleting is so very difficult. We’ll delete some but just leave that window ajar. We’ll temporarily delete ( that was my trick) but not permanently in case we change our mind. This is the addiction. This is Emotional Thinking at its most powerful. We can all try to be brave, but at the start, we are all half pregnant. We know what we should do but the ET is so high still we can’t face doing it fully.
BC30 has taken the leap, her posts made me smile because I feel the same. I permanently deleted the app a bit over a week ago. I felt sick doing it and expected to sink way down. I didn’t. There was nothing to think about the following morning. No secret disappointment that the app hadn’t emailed to say there was a message waiting ( it does on temporary delete). No waiting for a ping that wouldn’t come. I felt better when I expected to feel worse. That feeling of strength returning has increased exponentially over the following days.
If you haven’t deleted everything and closed every avenue you can think of please consider doing so. It is the turning point x
I don’t mean this in a crass way, so hope it doesn’t come across as such…. but I’ve never understood hanging on to text messages after a break up.
I am so happy I don’t have mine. I would not want to have read our fights again over and over 😂 all that senseless nonesense 😂 Christ.
Not crass at all Empath007, and the txts have significance for me due to the circumstances in which they were sent.
And say if someone you love died (God forbid), you’d treasure those conversations.
Maybe I’m just someone who connects to written words in a way where I find them extremely meaningful and emotive. Words have meaning. It’s how we communicate. And I find the written word especially meaningful.
In some ways I’m with you on the fights, but I also gain insight by looking back on some of these things and am able to read them in a completely different way knowing what I know now.
Unfortunately, I looked at some of the messages today and those words drew me right back in again. Probably an even better reason to get rid of them now. He can still draw me in with his words even though I know the insincerity that lies behind them.
There is no purpose to be served by keeping them. Delete them today.
@lickem
I felt a similar way as you when I first left the last significant narc. I wanted to hold onto the “good” memories. Then I read “no contact” and I started deleting everything. It was the best thing I did for myself as it allowed me to move on faster and I was able to take back control by giving myself closure.
Now I’m so glad I did not keep anything personal relating to that ugly MF! Urgh! I’m embarrassed I even gave him a chance to have all of this, all of these goodies. I don’t want anyone to know that we were together.
the other day I got an invite to be on the show “eating with my ex” where you have dinner with your ex and ask them questions to try and find closure.
I replied “thanks for asking me but I don’t remember any ex’s”
One day you’re gonna want no part in it. But you have to start by deleting the messages
I can think of a few reasons to keep them:
1. You need them for a court case.
2. You’re going to use them in a novel, in which your ex will be the villain. (Publish under a pseudonym, and don’t tell anyone outside of your editor. Include a completely insincere disclaimer.)
3. You’re into method acting, and want to Use This Emotion. (I detest method acting. Just play the freakin’ character, even if she has nothing in common with you beyond being a carbon-based life form.)
1. Correct, although in this specific instance that does not appear to be the case.
2. Don’t bother.
3. No.
Words have the meaning and weight that we give them. I love you written on a page (or text) means nothing until you attach a person and feelings to it. You are creating that. It doesn’t mean the person who wrote it actually felt it. They are just words on a page. That’s why they are such weapons of economy in the hands of a narc. They write them down and we do all the work for them by creating what we want to believe they mean.
Well stated.
I see the logic is being applied thick and fast, and is probably just what I needed.
Words are emotive, whether they are spoken or written. Of course, there must be a truth behind them in order for them to carry any weight. I, no doubt, gave his words an imagined truth and therefore weight, as I believed they were conveyed with sincerity. Now that I know they weren’t those words lose their weight and their meaning. They become like dust in my hand, which can be blown gently away, or forcefully driven by a strong and tempestuous wind. But, the dust of his words and sentiments have now been whisked away by good intentions of others and the strong wind of logic. They are no more. And they are gone forever.
But…. doesn’t the unaware narc also technically believe them as well ? They believe their infatuation is love… so they also give it meaning that we attach to it.
I was geniunely thinking about this on a drive today. We believe it because they believe it. Hence the confidence in which they can express themselves.
Sort of like a child that loves a new toy… they do feel elated… until the next new toy comes and then they’re excited about that.
Not sure we sort out that it’s a lie until the abuse starts… then the contrast of behaviour shows the lie.
Haha, I just read up. I was late to the party.
You did it! Well done you x
Thank you, TS <3
It wasn't as hard as I thought, and I got mighty encouragement from HG and the forum here to do what I had been putting off for too long. I am grateful for you all.
Hello Lickem,
You sound so sweet.
It’s not deleting history, and it’s definitely not deleting yourself. It’s managing an addiction, and alcoholic surely has better chances of recovering should they not leave bottles around the house to sneak. You’re recovery will be easier should you not keep temptations around for your addiction to whisper at you.
We will all mess up from time to time as we try to cross the emotional sea… not a lot of us can succeed in one go… it takes time, commitment and energy.
That may sound clinical. But that’s also the reality of what you are dealing with after experiences abuse and trauma.
I don’t know your history but if you’d had other break ups in the past, you know that those men have not been deleted…. you’ve simply moved on with your life and they theirs… And you got through it just fine. Because you are a whole person. You are enough. No one completes you. No one defines you. And no one has the power to delete you.
Thank you Empath007, I know you are right and keeping the notion of addiction in front of me is the best way to manage the situation. I am going to have to get the addiction package at some stage. And in some ways I’ve probably been in denial, just like every other person that has ever suffered an addiction. Those txt messages are my bottles lying round in the house. I haven’t touched them, but they’re there if I need them. I haven’t needed them up to now, but maybe one day I’ll think of him and somehow need to feel him near, or want to reminisce. And then that first sip of what has come to ail me will bring about my downfall again. He’s not worth it. And I am worth more.
It’s true what you say about past relationships. I came out the other side of those just fine, even if it was painful at the time. Each one made me strong in some way, so I know I can’t be deleted.
Thanks for reassuring me again today <3
Relapse is a normal part of recovery. Don’t expect yourself to be perfect… heck… I was doing just fine (I’m 2 years out) and the pandemic hit… and I just about blew all of my hard work !!! Had draft letters written out and everything.
I came here instead after a long break (since I was feeling better). This place was exactly what I needed. I feel geniunely relieved I never reached out and I am back on track. Pandemic or no pandemic. I’m worth more then crawling back to an abuser.
Try to help yourself though by not keeping the temptations around. We can give ourselves knowledge but we also have to take responsibility for all of our actions and implement it.
You’re doing great !! You’ve got this !
Thank you again 🙂 I really appreciate your encouraging words.
And we do need to take responsibility for our actions. No excuses.
So glad you didn’t give in to the temptation to contact your narc even though the pressure was on. It gets to all of us sometimes.
I’m inspired again today to stop putting of the inevitable. The less loopholes, the better. And being here has definitely made a difference to how I’ve been feeling, too <3