It is only ever a question of time before you go down. If you are one of the lucky ones, you may just reach the anniversary of a year since when I wrapped my tendrils around you and pulled you into my world. For others the marker of a year is but a distant dream as they find themselves cast down from their pedestal after a number of months. I know you all find it so troubling and upsetting that one day you are treated like a queen and the next you are regarded as a peasant but that is the nature of this beast.
It has always been the case for as long as I can remember and unless the next one lives up to expectations and delivers as they really ought to, then it will continue to be the case. I really would prefer that it was not the case. I know you think that I am some kind of monster for revelling in causing you such pain. I recognise that you are staggered that anybody could behave in what you regard as such an inhuman fashion by meting out physical, emotional, sexual and financial abuse but as is so often the case you are too caught up in your own feelings to actually understand why we do as we do.
I do not revel in the act of making you cry by calling you all manner of names and shouting at you. I do not take vast pleasure in saying who you can socialise with and marshalling your finances as if they are my own. The vast variety of manipulative machinations which I produce from my devil’s toolkit are not the source of my pleasure.
Yes, I will admit that I derive satisfaction from exerting such control and power over you, but it is not a huge amount of satisfaction. Why is that? It is for the simple reason that I am superior to you. I am entitled to take such steps and act in this way. It is a given. Accordingly, by behaving in this manner I am simply doing that which is expected of me and that is my right. Thus I am not able to derive huge amounts of pleasure from it. It is not the act which gives me the pleasure but it is your reaction to it.
Your heightened emotional reaction combined with the attention that you give me are the reasons why I must cast you down. I know that you hope that this can be avoided and you believe that there is another way. I know you tried to keep me happy by doing everything you could as best you could in the manner that you thought would meet with approval but you always failed in some way. I know my opinion chops and changes form day to day and from hour to hour.
But that is the way that I am and you availed yourself of my brilliance so now you must endure this part of my nature. I see no reason to change. Why should I alter from being who I am just because you cannot cope with it? Give way, yield and allow someone else the opportunity to fill your shoes and address matters. Have you considered that the reason you were cast into the dirt was because you just were not good enough? Oh I know you tried.
You told me often enough. By God I tired of hearing you whine and moan about how much you do for me and I have no time for such jealousy. That is what it is. You have been exposed to my brilliance and you wanted it for so long. You enjoyed being admitted to my world with all that such admission entailed but then you failed to show the requisite appreciation and respect. I knew what was behind it. You wanted what I had for yourself but that is impossible. I am used to people wanting to claim what is mine as their own.
It is a hazard of being a leader, a pioneer and a person that others look up to. I expect it of the minions that I must interact with, the knee benders, the elbow people and hand-wringers. I can see it in their eyes as they kiss my pinkie ring. They want to be me but they cannot. I am cut from a different and far superior cloth and the best that they can ever hope for is to be included in my court and experience my reflected glory. I expected such petty envy from them but not from you.
You were meant to be different but as so often been the case you proved that you were little better than them. Yes, you showed me some service in the provision of the fuel that I require but as ever it was short-lived and that is why I had to cast you down. You brought it on yourself. You signed your own death warrant and that was why you had to go down. Could I have chosen a different method and allowed you to walk away? No, not at all.
What you must understand is that you feasted at my table. You gorged on my love, you drank deep of my generosity and you clothed yourself in all the appreciation, desire, passion, attention and dedication that I provided to you. I gave all of this in order to receive from you but you still benefitted from it on a massive scale.
Having taken you must pay for it and if you failed to do so in the manner I have decreed then there is no hope for it other than for you to pay with your sanity and your self-esteem. That currency, along with your emotional outpourings became acceptable methods of repaying what I have provided to you. It is not permissible for you to leave with paying. In fact, on your way down, it is not permissible to leave. At all.
2 thoughts on “Down”
I am not going back ever because I have to many times and now I just feel like I have waisted half my life I left last September after 20 years he is being really nice as he always has when we have broken up before but I know he will never change it’s not even me being strong and resisting I have accepted him for what he is and what he is ,is not what I want it doesn’t mean I am not hurting if anything this time hurts more because I am allowing myself to see the relationship for what it really was
Let me ask you something. Is the emptiness so big in you or it is congenital? Hmmm … anything I would say you would say the other way around so I let you think, take this little amount of fuel and think how miserable I am. Well, I will disappoint you, “your kind” did nothing to me but made me stronger than I ever was and this is what you hate the most in my kind! Oh yes, vent your spleen dear :)))))
I am not down, I am not rotting somewhere thinking of your kind. He is gone out of my life and I am so fucking thrilled about that, he is miserable I know that and this is making me so so happy. I will live my life the way I please, because I am free, I am smart and I have everything I ever dreamed of. This is what your kind hate the most, we cannot be happy aren’t we? Well honey, you are so wrong, I am happy and on the top of it my happiness will be complete when after years and years when he thinks that everything is okay and maybe he is settled and he doesn’t even remember my name BANG I will go after him, it will be a year of suffering for him. The only thing that he will see for a year is me and the surgeon which I will hire, can you imagine what a good surgeon can do with a healthy man? Of course you will say what a good surgeon would do such a thing….well he has weaknesses, is he not?! I have a whole script in my mind but I keep it for my pleasure.
Don’t forget one thing: maybe your kind is psychopath but what I am now, is something your kind created.
However, I do appreciate you a lot because at least you do admit all these things.