The Narcissist Always Judges You

 

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“Bring forth the next defendant,” my booming baritone declares from my elevated position. You find yourself being hauled and pushed by two of my lieutenants as the drag you up some stairs. The noise of a raucous crowd grows as you emerge blinking and anxious into the dock. Your eyes dart about the crowded courtroom as you look for recognisable faces but none are apparent. You see elements of familiarity, are those our friends and family, but they seem different in some way? You cannot quite work it out. You just see stroppy wax-like faces, mouths agape, a torrent of bilious noise raining down towards you, fingers jabbing the air, arms being waved frenetically. A seething mass of anticipation and disapproval. The crack of a gavel being wielded cuts through the cacophony and all eyes turn, including your own to me as I sit across and above from you. Attired in judicial robes in accordance with my status, I stare at you, eyes narrowed and you shrink back under this unwavering gaze.

“Well,” I announce, “What have you got to say for yourself?”

You frown, puzzled by this question. You do not even know why you are here. You cannot think straight as there is a throbbing sensation in the middle of your brow and a sickness rising and falling in your stomach. Your shaking hands grasp the rail of the dock but you remain silent.

“I said,” I declare in a louder voice, “what have you got to say for yourself?”

The assembled crowd begin to chant.

“What? What? What? What?”

The noise increases as those who have crammed into the courtroom lean forward creating walls of sneering and sardonic faces all around you. The galleries are packed with eager voyeurs and the noise cascades down on to you. The gavel once again interrupts the crowd and a hush descends. There is an air of expectancy as I and the crowd wait for you to speak. You feel a jab in your side as one of the lieutenants elbows you, a savage prompt for you to talk.

“I don’t understand why I am here,” you say. Your voice sounds weak and quiet but it is apparent that everyone has heard you as there is a collective intake of breath and then you hear the intermittent remarks thrown towards you.

“Idiot!”

“Shameful!”

“So disrespectful!”

“Fool!”

Your eyes go back to me and you see me draw myself up bristling with indignity.

“You don’t understand?” I boom. The crowd start to jabber.

“She doesn’t understand!” “She doesn’t understand!”

“Such impertinence, you should know why you are here,” I declare pointing the gavel at you. The noise of the crowd subsides a they crane forward to hear what you have to say.

“No, I don’t understand.”

“Well you ought to understand and you ought to be addressing me properly,” I continue.

“Sorry?”

“Ah you are sorry are you? What are you sorry for?” I ask seizing on your reply.

“Er I meant I didn’t understand what you meant.”

“Ah, yet another lack of understanding,” I announce to the sound of tutting from the crowd. You can see heads shaking all around you.

“Are you an idiot? A fool? A simpleton?” I ask.

“Certainly not.”

“Certainly not, my lord,” I reply with a smile which bears no warmth.

You frown still unsure what on earth you are doing in this place and who all these people are and most of all why is it that I am sat as a judge presiding over you. I give you an encouraging look. You look left and right feeling uncertain before you speak again.

“Certainly not, my lord.”

“At last some progress,” I say. The crowd nod in approval.

“So, I shall ask you again, what have you got to say for yourself?”

“I do not understand why I am here,” I raise my eyebrows in expectation, “my lord.”

“Well you should!” I explode in a sudden rage.

“Yes you should, yes you should,” repeats the crowd.

“Why am I here?” you say but your question is drowned out by the noise.

“A week of silent treatment,” I announce and slam the gavel down with a loud crack.

“What for?” you cry puzzled and alarmed. There is gasp from the crowd at your question.

“Two weeks for such impertinence,” I add.

“This is not fair.”

“Three weeks for challenging our authority,” I announce.

“You cannot judge me, this is ridiculous, I don’t even know why I am here, I do not know what I am accused of.”

“Three weeks of silent treatment and a dose of triangulation with a replacement of our choosing,” I cry with a gleeful look in my eyes.

“You cannot do this,” you assert.

“What?” I roar, “I can do as I please.”

“This must be against the law; this is not right.”

“I am the law!” I roar.

“Surely you should tell me what I have done?”

“I should not have to do anything that you say, I am the judge.”

“Then what about the jury, surely they should decide whether I am guilty or not, whatever it is I am accused of.”

I look reflective for a moment.

“Yes, you have a point, very well, I shall allow it,” I decree in a magnanimous tone, “never let it be said that this court is unfair. Ask the jury.”

I point towards the jurors sat on the right hand side and you notice them for the first time. They are all staring at you. In actual fact you see my face twelve times staring at you.

“Guilty!” announces the first juror.

“Wait, I haven’t even asked you what I am guilty of yet!” you protest.

“Guilty!” cries the second juror.

“Guilty!” shouts the third.

You shake your heard utterly bewildered by the announcement of these verdicts.

“This is preposterous, no charge has been read out to me, I have not entered a plea and there should be a trial. This is a joke!” you cry.

“Six months of gas lighting to run consecutively to the earlier sentence!” I holler above the braying of the crowd.

“This isn’t fair.”

The pronouncements of guilt continue to ring out as the crowd chant “Guilty, guilty, guilty!” at you.

A man leans into the dock from behind you, he thrusts a microphone under your nose.

“Hello, Ian Sim from the Daily Smear, how do you feel?”

“What?” you reply backing away as another microphone appears.

“Hello, Mark Mywords from the Global Liar, what’s it like to be such a horrible person?”

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Hi, Ivor Stain from Channel Bias, do you think you can cope with this sentence?”

“May Day from Bad News, did your family make you do it?”

More faces lean into the dock, jostling with one another as questions are hurled at you. The crowd’s noisiness continues as its members drive one another into a frenzy. You see my face times twelve as the jurors leap up and down, hooting and laughing as they point and continue to yell “guilty” in your direction. Through it all you can hear my baritone as more and more punishments are added to the already burgeoning list and your head swims with the barrage of sounds. Faces blur, nausea sweeps across you and your heart hammers in your chest. You feel hot, you feel faint and arms grab you from either side and pull you along the dock.

“What’s happening, I don’t understand, what I am supposed to have done?” you murmur.

“Don’t worry,” says a calm voice and you turn your head to see an elegant lady stood next to you, the lieutenants who were once there having disappeared. Who is this woman? Where has she come from? You have never seen her before.

“Don’t worry,” she repeats, “I will take care of him for you,” she smiles and promptly lets you go. She strides from the dock towards me as you teeter at the top of the stairs, the darkness of the cells somewhere beneath you and then you topple forward and crash into the chasm below.

30 thoughts on “The Narcissist Always Judges You

  1. Summer says:

    Your writing resonates so much with my experience that, even after reading so much of your work, it continues to astound me

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  2. Whitney says:

    HG, I wish I had better words to describe your genius. This masterpiece, with the analogy of the unpredictable court, perfectly depicts how helpless I felt in a relationship with a Narcissist. It’s validating to be understood.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you and I am pleased it has assisted you.

  3. lickemtomorrow says:

    I could see this happening when the ‘defendant’ is painted black. Or in devaluation. All the accrued punishments are an indication that they are not giving the narcissist what they need, also bound to create a huge fuel injection for the narcissist with the ‘defendant’s’ reactions. I could feel it as I read it. Punishment heaped upon punishment. No respite.

    A very enjoyable look at the black and white thinking of the narcissist sitting in judgement of the empath who has no idea why they have been painted black. And the jury box filled with only the narcissist meaning no other judgement, or rather only the narcissist’s judgement, is relevant.

    I’m still wondering who the lady is that approaches the ‘defendant’ at the end of the trial.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The new IPPS who believes that you are what you have been smeared as. Your replacement.

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        Ahhh … of course.

        I should have known.

        Guess I was still in shock at being tried and convicted minus due process and thrown into the dungeon!

  4. Ren says:

    Hg

    You are a MONUMENTAL Fibber McGee

    You rightly drew to my incorrect usage of [gavel] when trying you before the Court of Renarde but you use them yourself!

    Hypocrisy will be added. Yes. Hmm.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The article is a account of a court room within the jurisdiction of narcissism, namely how the narcissist operates a particular perspective wherein anything happens in accordance with the needs of the narcissist and is not an English court, hence the use of the gavel. Furthermore, note the many examples within the article which demonstrate the application of a constructed method of justice, i.e. the narcissists persepctive.An article written on my site which is all about narcissism. That was its purpose.

    2. Violetta says:

      Ren:

      This is not your jurisdiction.

  5. truthseeker6157 says:

    This is an interesting article for me. I would say that during my time with the MMR I felt exactly the opposite in most respects.
    I would describe him as one of the least judgemental people I’ve ever met. In fact, when looking at the nature of my addiction to him, this was one of the major contributing factors. I opened up to this person more than anyone else because I did not ever feel judged. I could talk about things that I had done, perhaps regretted even, things I worried about, things really I knew I was wrong about, and I was never judged. I was listened to, questioned occasionally so that he could better understand my meaning. Never judged.

    This makes sense to me. Lack of emotional empathy does not link well to a judging standpoint. He wouldn’t listen to an experience of mine, consider the feelings of the people involved and draw a conclusion from that. He doesn’t deal in feelings in that way. As such, I confided, opened up and felt closer because of it. This is a large element of my personal addiction.

    It could be argued, that this was a way of drawing information, finding my weak spots, to use in devaluation later. If that was the case, it never happened. No information shared was used against me. Perhaps I was on the shelf thus remained in the golden period for longer. That’s possible.

    Also, given the narcissist only gains fuel from behaviours involving himself, recounting experiences that did not involve him directly, might not incur judgement. In fact, quite the opposite. Had I criticised him directly or failed to deliver enough positive fuel, perhaps then the judgement would have crept in. Similarly, Golden period or Devaluation is likely also to impact the judging aspect from his perspective.

    This is what I find so difficult with the narcissistic perspective. So many variations. Am I painted black or white? Am I in devaluation? Did the behaviour involve or even impact the narcissist himself? Did I just wound with that jokey or sarcastic comment? ( I suspect I wound naturally and with regularity. I’m sarcastic and I’m also a northerner, one of the ways I show I like you is to tease you mercilessly. I’m extremely careful on here). Is there a candidate IPPS in the wings? Or even, is he fuel deprived after working from home all day? No doubt I’ve forgotten loads of other reasons a narcissist would react differently in terms of judgement. It’s so difficult to see where they are up to. Plus they are lying anyway!

    We as empaths don’t change. Not really. What you see is what you get. Consistently. Something that irritates me today will still irritate me tomorrow. Ask me what I’d do in the event of a zombie apocalypse, I’ll just tell you what I’d do!! My opinion is my opinion. How does a narcissist even know what his opinion is? “Depends on the status of the Prime Aims.” But what is your actual opinion?!

    Sometimes I feel like I’m getting closer. Sometimes the closer I get the more questions I have.
    I’d really like to get to a point where I could do someone else’s NDC. I’d know then that I’d got it. Or at least understood it enough. Not in a shrink / psychologist kind of way, in an empathic way. I understand it, know how it feels and can see why a narcissist is behaving the way he is. Not to fix, just to identify.

    I am consistent. I’m the same playing poker. Never seen a hand I didn’t like!

    1. Ren says:

      TS

      No, sorry lovely. You are not at NDC level detector capability yet I’m not. Still have to talk to the Boss

      ‘This is what I find so difficult in the narcasssitic perspective’

      That sentence proves it. In one.

      Focus on your own defences. I think it might have you I warned about the consequences of Weaponisation. Apologies if not.

      Cart. Horse. Dont put one before the other x

      1. truthseeker6157 says:

        I’m nowhere near weaponised Renarde. Nowhere near. Not sure how long that will take me or if in actual fact I would ever be weaponised as regards myself. I think I’ll always be at risk if I’m honest. I’m not really looking at it in that way. I just want to ‘get it’. Focusing on that stops me focusing on my personal situation. Focusing on the personal situation wasn’t helping, at all. Just brings me down and throws me into a replay loop.

        If I take this approach, better understand narcissism in general, my ET dropping at the same time, I’m thinking ‘the me part’ will fall into place as a side effect. I’ll look at becoming weaponised then I think. I know one thing though, ET feels rubbish. I hate it. Cloudy, emotional, down, tired, achey, sad, horrible. No, bollocks to that. I’ll learn first, look at me later. I’m fascinated by the subject anyway and I’m feeling gradually better, so sticking to this route for now.

        As for the boss, I’ll likely always check with the boss for as long as he’s here. I’m not risking feeling like this again. Different when it’s yourself, you can’t see clearly. I’ll be one who can make the call for others less so for myself. I heard the term ‘remembrancer’ that’ll be me.

    2. Violetta says:

      I just want to know enough so I can get the ones I can’t avoid to go bother somebody else. When I was out sick in school, the kids bullied someone else & the teacher couldn’t stop them, even the somebody else wasn’t a troublemaker like me; my grad school narcs were known to target other students in previous and subsequent classes; work narcs had trouble with both my predecessors and my replacements.

      So it’s not just me–but if I’m in the room, it usually is. THAT’S what I want to learn: how to escape their radar.

  6. Leela says:

    “Daily Smear” 😀 “The Great Liar” 😀 Hilarious! 😀 But this is exactly how it is. I had a romantic relationship with a Cluster B personality (not narcissist) and this is exactly how it feels when they start the devaluation. It is this “WTF have I done? What have I done to deserve this?” This is exactly how it feels! 🙁

  7. Empath007 says:

    Does anyone else find the more they try not to
    Think of the narc that at times it can have the opposite affect ? By trying to not think about it it only makes you obsess more… that whole “wanting what we can’t have”
    Thing.

    I’m having a particularly bad day today. The fact I have not been intimate with someone in two years is not helping 😞 I don’t mind being single
    But I’m starting to think I need to put myself back out there … meet other men, and begin to really move forward.

    How’s everyone else holding up? I hate this pandemic !!!!! It’s making me feel so restless.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That is common Empath007, if I tell you do not think of elephants, you immediately think of elephants. It does not work. You have good news however, because here is something that work and you should utilise

      https://gum.co/QpNcl

    2. Witch says:

      Ggguuurrrlllll you’re just horny
      You got the horny fever 🤒

    3. truthseeker6157 says:

      Empath 007,

      I’m sorry you are having a bad day.

      What about getting out there but having more guy friends? I love men. Men in a group I find to be great fun. You still get the male company, the humour, but aren’t necessarily out looking for a relationship.
      I’m often the honorary guy in a group. They’re respectful, I still get the only bar stool ha ha, but they know the boundaries too. I’m just one of the boys, we won’t be doing the romantic thing. Another advantage, pretty narc proof! That narc is going to have to have some balls to get at me surrounded by a group of six foot odd guys.
      You end up being the confidant, the keeper of secrets they don’t tell their guy friends. It’s pretty sweet really.
      There are ways to get out, enjoy male company, without having to be concerned about whether you are ready emotionally or at risk from being narc fodder.

      Might be worth a thought.

      1. Empath007 says:

        I enjoy male friends but find I often get burned in that process. I now have my guard up majorly in that regard. I am actively avoiding make friendships. My narc started off as my “friend” in a group of male friends I would go out with as you describe…. only to find out later the other males in this group were helping his cause (either directly or indirectly) by giving him vulnerable information I had shared with them about myself and my past relationship. Some had even told lies about me… one in particular spoke about how him and I almost slept together which was not true.

        It crushed me. Now around men I am cold and sterile. I don’t trust them and I find I am sexualized far more often then I am respected. There has been a large barrier between myself and the men in my life ever since. I’m not ready to open back up. And affer what’s happened I don’t think I ever will.

        1. truthseeker6157 says:

          Empath 007,

          That’s horrible. What a bunch of arseholes. Honestly, I’ve always had more male friends than female friends and they have all been incredibly sweet with me. Protective, not conspiring against me as seems to have been the case with you. I don’t know if I’m lucky or you are unlucky. That’s extremely poor behaviour on their part though. Almost like you walked straight into the middle of a coterie.
          There are good people out there Empath 007, there are. I can certainly better understand why you are cautious though. Friends seemed the obvious route to me. I can totally understand you being wary given that’s how it started though.

          Have you ever worked in a bar? I did when I was at uni. Had a great time. Best New Year’s Eves I had! I’ve considered doing it again now I’m back in the UK. I don’t have an established group of friends close by to go out with. I’ve moved around so much, people are scattered everywhere. I have friends here but many are married and have kids so there isn’t a going out set as much. The reason I’m considering it, is just for the social / fun side. You get the same people coming in and you get the lowdown on people from a variety of different sources. Plus, I’d be working so there is a distance between me and them. I’m talking local country pub not busy city bar. Places where you actually get to know the people coming in. I do keep coming back to that being a good idea. Would you ever consider that?

          1. Empath007 says:

            Thanks TS.

            The industry I work in is highly male dominated already. It is also a place I have met all kinds of interesting people from all sorts of backgrounds. In the last 5 months however, since the pandemic, I am mostly working from home…. which leaves me feeling quite down as I am an extrovert and I need interaction with others. The company I work for is still the one I met my narc at, I transferred locations though, and I have set up a VERY firm boundary with the men I work with… I have no interest in having any sort of repeat of what happened to me at the other location. I was young and green when I started here but I’m not (that) young and green anymore. So my guard is up… I find men tend to protect each other and cover for each other and I want no part of their games.

            A bar sounds cool ! but not conducive to my life or lifestyle necessarily. As I am not only working but a FT student and a mother 🙂

      2. Ashley says:

        Yessss totally agree!! I have always had a few really close guy friends. You get all of the good & none of the bad. I remember back in college it was always six guys & ME 🤣 it looked so funny because I’m only 5 feet tall. A guy wanted to take me out & I was telling him where to find me around the dorms & I said I’ll be with six guys at a picnic table, they’ll be smoking cigars so just follow the scent. He was very intimidated so I didn’t waste my time with him haha guy friends are great!

        1. truthseeker6157 says:

          Ashley,

          Ha ha yep, similar here, I’m not tall either! It can be really nice when it works how it’s supposed to. I do feel, once I’m back to myself, that I’ll go that route again. Or try the bar job. Though I’m concerned the plastic visor will mess up my hair 😂. I’m in no rush for another romantic relationship. I’m still very up and down. Some days I feel almost back to myself, other days I just miss closing the door and talking to him. Really miss it. So I’m not ready. That’s fine, but I am determined not to withdraw from things I enjoy doing. I do really need to get back to the gym now they are reopening. I like that whole training environment. Feels solid, encouraging.

          1. Ashley says:

            If you still have any guy friends you’re in touch with, could you maybe do a little fun night out or weekend?! It can do wonders for your mind!! I turn 30 beginning of September & made plans with my guy friends to celebrate a week later – we’re going to Atlantic City Sept 12th and going nutsssss haha, Cesars I apologize in advance! 🤣🤣 Aww haha I’m sure your hair will look beautiful even if it’s messed up! You should go for it!! 😊 Oh I know just what you mean!!! Definitely give yourself time. When you give yourself plenty of time, you may stop thinking about him altogether sooner than you think. 💖 That’s great, I hope you have fun at the gym once you go! 😊

          2. truthseeker6157 says:

            Thanks Ashley, I’m looking forward to putting some boxing gloves on ! You make a good point about the weekend. Time ticks on and when a group is dispersed it just takes a bit more planning! Love Vegas btw, I didn’t win enough at the tables to really hit the shops but there are some beautiful shops in some of the Casinos. I had one splurge, and it was well worth the investment. I think. Ha ha. You’ll have a fantastic time. Make like a narcissist and make sure you cause chaos! You’re right, I’ll get my arse in gear and get something organised!

          3. Ashley says:

            I will cause chaos for sure!! 🤣 yay! 😊💖💖

    4. lickemtomorrow says:

      Seems to be going around this week, and a bit of cabin fever doesn’t help. Less to distract you and get your mind off the narc. I’ve definitely found HGs blog very good for creating an alternative focus and also giving me the education and understanding I need. Plus the support from other victim/survivors is helpful, too. You know you are not alone. That’s always a good starting point.

      When it comes to trust, I’m also finding it incredibly hard to rebuild. As far as the narc goes, you didn’t see them coming, you don’t know what happened, and you’re not sure if it could happen again. Another good reason to be here and learn as much as you can. The reality is we go burned, and we don’t want to get burned again. It hurts.

      It hurts worse when its people you think you know and trust. I’m sorry you had that experience.

      Unlike the other ladies here, I had no idea how to talk to boys. Came from being somewhat sequestered. I wish I did (then). And I’m making up for it (now). Definitely not going to throw all men on the scrapheap. But how I move amongst them now will be different. And I guess that’s what we’re all aiming for here.

      Sometimes we think the best way to get over someone is to meet somebody else. At least that would get them off our mind. I tend to be of the school that embraces the grieving process without hopefully getting bogged down in it. If two years means you’re getting bogged down (Covid-19 hasn’t helped) then I’d be looking at the alternatives for getting back out into the world. But, I’d also be basing that on my interests and make it about me (for a change!) I’d much rather meet someone by the by without going out looking for them and concern myself with building myself up so that I’m in a much better headspace to avoid the drama.

      I do hope you will be feeling better soon, Empath007. Like anything, there will be good days and bad days. The bad days won’t last forever. And thankfully there are plenty of shoulders here to cry on to help get you through.

      Take care <3

      1. Empath007 says:

        Thanks so much Lickem. I really appreciate your response. I was naive around men that’s for sure, making me a perfect target. I was with a normal from a very young age for a very long time and I did not have any dating experience under my belt. The gentlemen I used to hang out with were a lot of fun and I had been enjoying my new found freedom from this previous relationship, however, they were mostly through work and a highly misogynistic bunch. So when they all betrayed me (including – and mostly- the narc) I felt crushed. And as you pointed out so nicely… that trust can be difficult to rebuild. I still work in a male dominated industry. I have my guard up constantly… and actually its working quite well, as I don’t ever plan on dating someone I work with again.

        1. lickemtomorrow says:

          Sounds like you’re putting in some boundaries, Empath 007, which are working for you right now. I think recognising our vulnerability after something like this has happened is a good thing. So as much as it’s a lack of trust, it’s also a recognition of our vulnerability. It’s saying, I’m not going to get suckered in again. That’s where the guard goes up and rightly so. It is a form of self protection. You’ve got your work cut out for you in a male dominated industry and getting weaponised here is the best way to combat those who might think to take advantage of you. One other little reminder. It’s not your fault.

          Have a good day <3

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