Something Doesn’t Feel Right
“I am left feeling I am not good enough”
“I am always waiting for him to call.”
“She never seems to listen to me.”
“I feel like I always have to respond straight away.”
“I do not feel settled.”
“I always feel like I am being scrutinised.”
“I feel like I am out of my depth.”
“I am always wondering whether he is serious or joking with me, I struggle to tell.”
“I cannot seem to think about anything other than him.”
“She makes me feel left out.”
“It seems like I am always running around after him.”
“I always feels like I have to please them.”
“I feel like I am on trial.”
“I find myself always having to explain myself.”
“It feels more like an obligation than a friendship.”
“I am often left wondering what is happening.”
“I am left feeling unsure of myself.”
“I feel like I am always on call for her.”
“I keep feeling jealous and that makes me feel bad.”
“I am anxious for him to leave her and be with me.”
“If I express an opinion I feel like I am being unfair in doing so.”
“It is great when we are together, but then am left feeling uncertain when we are apart.”
“I am sure he doesn’t mean to make me feel nervous, but I am.”
“I don’t think I am good enough.”
“I don’t want to let her down.”
“Nothing seems to bother him and I am such a worrier. I will put him off.”
“I don’t understand why he still keeps in touch with her, but I don’t feel I can say anything.”
“I am nervous I will mess this up and he is so wonderful.”
“It´s nothing specific, but there´s something that makes me uneasy. It is probably just me.”
Doubtless many of you will find some of the above comments will resonate with you.
You have been created with emotional empathy. This has formed the bedrock for your worldview and your perspective. This accords with a majority perspective and forms the basis for those subjective qualities of what is deemed as “good” and “bad”. Since you operate within the majority perspective it is your perspective of “good” and “bad” which prevails.
When you encounter something which contrasts with this majority perspective, you often do not see it as a clear, shining example. Instead, you have a “feeling” or a “gut instinct”. This is the manifestation of behaviour which clashes with your empathic world view. This is your alarm bell.
There are those of you whose alarm bell does not often ring at all, although you are limited in number. For most of those who are empathic, the alarm bell rings through some kind of feeling encapsulated by many of the phrases detailed above and more besides.
So far, so effective. You have an established worldview formed by your emotional empathy. When you encounter behaviour which contrasts with this empathic worldview, your alarm bell goes off. Where it is one of our kind (and it almost always is one of our kind) which has caused this alarm bell to sound, this is when the problem starts.
Your alarm bell sounds but you attribute it to the wrong cause.
You either think that the cause is an external reason for this alarm bell, such as
- The individual is tired or exhausted
- The individual is drunk
- The individual is suffering from stress
- The individual is suffering from grief or bereavement
- The individual is under some kind of pressure
- The individual suffers from anger management issues
- The individual is highly strung
There are others besides.
The alternative is that you think the cause is an internal reason, namely your behaviour, such as
- You are too sensitive
- You have been hurt before
- You are too direct
- You think badly of people too quickly
- You are too trusting
- You were not listening
- You judged too soon
- You are tired, upset, stressed
- You were insensitive to the needs of others
- You were worried
There are others besides.
Accordingly, when your alarm bell rings, you end up attributing the sensation of something feeling wrong to either an external cause to that you are the problem.
This is incorrect.
It is akin to your burglar alarm going off and you think it was a passing cat or that you tripped the sensor yourself. It was the burglar.
Something which offends your worldview, offends the logic of your world. Your logic seeks to warn you by creating a feeling or a sensation (the alarm bell) so that you take action.
Unfortunately, two factors interfere in this warning system.
The first is a lack of understanding about the nature of the individual that is generating the behaviour which causes the alarm. The red flags that signal that it is a narcissist which is engaging in behaviours which are offending your worldview.
The second is the obscuring nature of your emotional thinking which does not want you to pay attention to the alarm´s actual source and instead diverts you to thinking it is the external source (incorrect) or your fault (also incorrect).
Your emotional thinking does not want you abiding by the logic of your world. It does not want you acting on the alarm by identifying the real cause (the narcissist) and then taking the logical step to avoid further harm (further feelings that something is wrong) by removing yourself from the real cause (the narcissist).
Your emotional thinking does not want to do what is best for you. It does not want you to know the actual source of the alarm nor act on that alarm. It wants you looking in the wrong place,e taking the incorrect course of action so that you remain interacting with the narcissist.
Your emotional thinking does not care about your physical health, your emotional contentment, your mental well-being or the state of your bank balance. It is not interested in you engaging with a healthy, normal and well-adjusted individual. That does not matter to your emotional thinking.
For a very unfortunate few of you, there is no inherent alarm system and you need to build one. It is hard work but achievable.
For the vast majority of you, you have the alarm system but it is infected and caused to malfunction by making you look in the wrong place for the problem and not act on the actual problem. Fortunately for you, this faulty alarm system can be corrected although it requires repeated and ongoing maintenance, which is naturally most worthwhile.
There is a valid reason why you feel something is not right. It is your early warning system, but it is not perfect and it is fundamental that you realise this and understand that it is here that you are able to perfect its operation.
45 thoughts on “Something Doesn’t Feel Right”
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This article spoke to me. I should have listened to the alarm bells from a few years ago instead of speaking up and hearing that ‘it is just stress’ or ‘you don’t know what you are talking about’.
HG with each and every article I read my knowledge of your kind is getting better and stronger. Every topic your articles cover, perfectly describes everything, everytime. Thank you HG. You make the world a brighter place for those of us who have awareness. They really need to get you into the schools to teach this. Invaluable.
If a new friend or dating partner is moving way too fast forward with a possible romantic relationship or a friendship, without taking time to get to know you, if they call you very quickly their “best friend” or the “love of their life”, that is a HUGE RED FLAG!
It takes time to form a relationship, it takes time to make friends. If someone is proceeding way too quickly and even insisting on being your “best friend” or the “love of your life”, without really knowing you well, then it´s NARC ALERT!
Listen to your instinct, listen to your gut feeling. If it tells you that “something is not right” then it really isn´t!
Do not miss this HUGE red flag!
Just run before it´s too late! Save your sanity! Run for the hills and never look back!
Read H.G.s “Red Flags”, it´s very good and very important!
Totally agree with you Leela. Listen to your gut instinct, it is so important and I won’t ever ignore it again. Also when you see and sense Red Flags and very importantly when you feel like you are walking on egg shells. Run for the hills and never look back. When something feels off or just not right trust in yourself and believe what and how you feel and get out of there. As HG says when you know, you go. Also their could be an infestation of narcissists in the persons family. One or both parents and one or all siblings could be narcissists. Also watch the behaviour makes for very interesting viewing and when you become aware makes for even more interesting watching.
Haha. A familial infestation is a good term and would make a good article.
Very true. HG any thoughts on an article of familial infestation?
Rat´s nest?
Hahaha. No no. About families where a number of members have narcissist traits and that it is not just one member of perhaps it could be. That there is an infestation of narcissism (again no offence intended) within the family. Any thoughts on the dynamics of how the family survive, thrive and prosper?
See When Narcissists Collide.
Will do. Thank you HG.
You are welcome.
Apologies HG just looked up the meaning of rat’s nest. According to the meaning in Wiktionary perhaps rat’s nest would be the correct phrase.
Familial Infestation would pretty much explain the K-dashes–if anything could explain them. Not what they do (which HG has explained quite succinctly in a number of articles not specifically focussed on them), but why people buy it.
When Narcissists Collide is a great article. I just thought a Very Narcissist Family article might be good since the Very series tends to draw a lot of attention and discussion. People do love their celebrities and real life examples. I do not care for instance for The Kardashians, but I have wondered on occasion how that dynamic works with so many Narcs involved. So many questions. Who is the highest ranking narc in the family? for instance.
But alas, I know there is much on your list, one pair of manicured hands, and little time.
Indeed NA, if time allows me, I shall write it.
My dad is a narcissist. And even though I experienced narcissistic abuse as child, I didn´t become a narc. Fortunately, don´t seem to have the genetic predisposition for it.
Leela, continue healing yourself daily to be the best and strongest you and live your best life.
I survived Patri Narc, I survived a relationship with a BPD-patient and I survived a narc-“friend”! 😉
What doesn´t kill you makes you stronger! 😉
And H.G. helps! 😉
Very true. Stay no contact and stay strong Leela.
I remember when he started the love bombing my alarm bells immediately went on! My gut feeling told me “Hey, something is off here”, “That´s way too much and way too fast”, “He doesn´t even know me” “Alert, alert” Cluster B personality”, “Caution! Cluster B! Be careful!”
My problem was that I underestimated it because I was not meant to become an IPPS or a DLS-IPPS. Even in a completely different situation I wouldn´t have EVER started a romantic relationship with him. I knew from the start that there definitely must be some kind of mental illness! I knew from the beginning that it must a some kind of personality disorder.
But I didn´t identify him as narcissist. He´s a middle mid ranger type A elite. His narcissism is well “covert” (Sorry H.G. I know you hate that expression, but that´s the best way for me to describe it). So, I excluded narcissism! I thought more about something like BPD and said to my self: “For being just friends it´s okay”.
I enjoyed the attention, the compliments, the flattery, the little flirtations.
He packed out his “little toolkit” of manipulations, especially the pity play. That´s why I first would never ever thought of narcissism! “This shy, introverted, humble and nice guy can never ever be a narcissist!” Of course I didn´t know that he was just telling big fat lies. He was really good at pity play and gas lighting! 😉
Every time I looked into his eyes I stared right into the abyss! That blank stare scared the sh1t out of me! I couldn´t find an explanation for my fear and horror! My gut feeling was screaming “EVIL!!” and “psychopath” (even though I never found out if he´s also psychopathic).
I noticed that he has a hard time to accept a “no”. When we had our first argument, I noticed the blame shifting, the lack of emotional empathy, it was impossible to have a decent discussion with him. More and more alarm bells went on! And then the first hoover set in and I thought: “Hey, hoover? Wait a minute! Narcissist do that, don´t they?”
That´s when I found my way here and thanks to H.G. I could identify, what he really is! A middle mid range elite narcissist type A! Thanks to the great material here I understand now! And every time i think of him my gut feeling still screams loudly “EVIL!! EVIL!!”
Sounds familiar.
I’m glad you discovered it and this blog.
I´m glad too 🙂
I already had experience with Cluster B personalities so that helped a lot.
Another KEY article & the Early Warning Detector is a bargain investment. Highly recommend
HG approves.
Can you explain emotional empathy from your perspective? Someone with NPD told me recently that “I don’t give a shit about you or anyone else “. Is that what a lack of empathy is like? I saw it in a bit of a softer way than that.
I do not have any emotional empathy, but I understand what it is. See Understanding Emotional Empathy.
Hmmm.
Sometimes when I meet new people, my ‘alarm system’ activates. Sometimes it doesn’t. It doesn’t always detect when in a social environment, there can be too much going on around. Too many sounds. Too many variations. Maybe the environment doesn’t feel right, doesn’t feel comfortable, a lot of ‘sensations’ can block the instincts from kicking in well.
However, I recall my instincts ‘screaming’ loudly yet silently. Twice. With the same person. I only ever felt this very clearly and ‘loudly’ with this person. This was a narc with a capital N. So blithe. Thieving little S**T. Tried all sorts to gain access into my house in a legal way. Failed. My car / house keys disappeared from my desk one day. Thieving little S**T had taken some items from my car – evidence that he was stealing. Both times my gut instincts were activated simply because he was bullsh**ting about the money when I asked him calmly about it. He knew that I knew he was talking sh**e.
I’ve still got time. To sort that little s**t out. He’s left a trail, silly little boy. He’ll have to wait and see.
Oher times when my instincts worked – when once, an SIPPS of a narc’s asked to be a friend on FB. Cough cough. She was not a friend towards me for months before that. Why on earth would I say ‘yes! I’d love to!”. I knew she was a Fk buddy of his. Yet, I still believed him when I asked him (not demanded) about her. Yet, it still pleases me to know that she was never an IPSS.
I’m not expert at spotting narcs. As yet. Since reading more and more on these posts on this site and seeing what others say, I’m getting more knowledge.
I’m still not meeting new people because I decided not to. For the time being.
PS currently, the moon is looking lovely and the couple of bats that use my garden as their territory will be out in a mo or two – they fascinate me.
How do you understand all this if you are a narcissist with no empathy?
Because I am more powerful and dangerous than you could ever imagine.
Ooh, I’m scared….
You fucking should be
There is no need to fear here on this forum however.
Correct.
Unless you’re Celine Dion. Or a Liverpool supporter.
BTW HG, mucho apologies for NOT “compartmentalising” this comment in the “correct” section of this site, ahem, erm, I really enjoyed reading Narc Tales 2. Laughed so much. Loved that one compared to Narc Tales 1. Just piqued me, is your house all black marbled so that you may need a ‘white stick’ to find your way through it? Hmm, the board room table seems a little dark too, is it cold hard marble? No, I’m not prying – just piqued. A LITTLE bit.
I suppose I’ll be Silent Treatement’ed for NOT putting this comment in the “correct” place. BUT. I’m still not gonna apologise…..
No.
Comment on a DM article:
R hood, Manchester, United Kingdom, about an hour ago
We had a man in a+e last week who was covered in bike tyre marks, he’s a bit deaf and thought his doctor said he was a cycle path.
What did the doctor actually say?
Same as some of your doctors, HG, but without the “Narcissistic.”
Okay, it’s a wretched pun, but it’s not that bad.
And if it is, it didn’t originate with me.
And if I chose to use it knowing it was that bad, I’m sure somebody out there deserves it.
Maybe “Ts cheema,” for instance. Did he/she/it manage to find that Hot Babe, or get derailed by an item from the Universal Female Excuse Archive? Did displaying that Barrage of Awesomeness result in the Club Girl(s) displaying the Doggy Dinner Bowl Look? Or was it greeted with Beta Male Shaming?
Oh, I certainly know you are!
I’m waiting for the day I get snuffed out because of my cheeky comments 🙏
Shut up. You are nobody. Get over yourself.
On the contrary, I am somebody.
Unlike you. How are the lawsuits going? Oh, still dismissed, who would have thought it?
Thought you were going away.
I like your jacket Pam. The sleeves wrap around you and then turn into a belt. Suits you.