Hoover Risk : The Need for the Last Word
I often reinforce how the key to understanding who you have been entangled with and therefore maximising your own prospects of moving on is to comprehend that we operate from a different perspective from you. That is why so much of what we say and do appears odd, irrational and downright perverse to you, yet completely normal and understandable to us.
One of those ways in which the perspective affects the dynamic between my kind and your kind is the fact that we always want the final word. Now, of course, it may have occurred to you that since we regard the Narcissistic Relationship as one which lasts forever, how can there really be a last word? Once again, this does not matter to us and this highlights the contradictory nature of the way by which we behave. We are the ones in control and we must always exert that state of affairs. Therefore, within the Formal Relationship we want the last word in any discussion or argument. We want the last word when issuing our opinion about something. We want the last word when the Formal Relationship has been brought to conclusion. Indeed, even if you end the Formal Relationship and escape us we will still maintain that we had the last word and we ended it. We will skew the situation to maintain our control and sense of power, irrespective of what might actually have happened. This causes confusion, frustration and astonishment for you, which of course is all good fuel to us.
The need for the last word is also a device which is designed to set us on a collision course with your kind. You also want to have the last word. You want to be able to say your piece. You feel that it is only right that you are heard. You believe it to be a fundamental part of any relationship that you are heard and because you find yourself so annoyed, upset and frustrated with the way that we operate, this desire to have the last word, set us straight and assert your position becomes all the more important to you. If the Formal Relationship has ended, you also want to have the last say. You want to let us know what you really think of us. You want to make some last plea to the normalcy you believe still lurks somewhere inside of us. You want to make us hear you, listen and somehow accept that we are wrong and you are right. This desire of yours to say the last word is considerable and flies in the face of our own desire which of course leads to conflict, drama and opposition, all of which creates fuel which is what we want. You are left infuriated if you cannot have your say. You are furious if you have been denied the chance to articulate how you feel. You are upset that your desire to say what you want to say has been ignored, disregarded and treated in a roughshod manner. You want finality. You want some kind of closure and having the last say as we both stare at one another across the smoking ruins of our Formal Relationship is something which matters to you tremendously. We know this. This is why we make it so damn difficult for you to achieve, either talking over you, shouting you down, walking away or just disappearing. You feel cut-off, denied, unfulfilled and this gives us both Thought Fuel and Proximate Fuel if we stay to witness the reaction.
You are preoccupied with thinking about the injustice you have suffered at our hands. the sheer unfairness of what has happened, the need for restitution. You want us to know what we are. You want us to realise that we are bad, awful, horrible, an abuser. You want us to know how you feel. You want to say your piece, articulate your anger, your pain, your bewilderment. Your emotional thinking relishes this happening. If you are thinking about delivering any of the above, in person, through text or smoke signal. If you are discussing this need with a friend or therapist. If you are reading the latest piece of provocation that we have sent you, querying why you have behaved so abominably, criticising your past weekend behaviour with the children or demanding you repay us for some debt. Any and all of these matters will heighten your emotional thinking which will want to go one step further and make you engage with us either by confronting us in person, by ringing us up or firing off that venomous late night text volley.
Your emotional thinking will corrupt your empathic traits of fairness, honesty and decency. It will corrupt those narcissistic traits of pride and envy. Most of all however it will hone in on your empathic truth seeker trait in order to make you endeavour to deliver (your) truth to us in one last proclamation, a final declaration, that signing-off.
When that text arrives and finds you because your no contact regime is poor, it baits you and how many times have you failed to resist responding to this provocation. You have to set us straight, you have to put us right, you just cannot leave it be. Full of righteous indignation, bristling with anger, brimming with (your truth) you have to have that last word and you respond. You text. You email. You social media message. You call. You appear in person.
You provide us with pure fuel or challenge fuel. You risk an adverse response. You heighten your emotional thinking further and get drawn into a war of words, an array of accusations and a tussle of the (differing) truths.
The need to have the last word also leads to you being susceptible to being hoovered because you feel that there are loose ends which need tying up. We instinctively know this and rely on it to keep you hooked and providing fuel to us without ever allowing you to tie up those loose ends correctly. It is all part of the way we continue to manipulate you. No doubt you have found yourself in such a situation. You may now have moved on and know that the last thing you ought to do is engage with us in this way, no matter how tempting it might be. You have learned it will only result in fuel, if handled incorrectly and at worse you might even succumb to our charm once again and be sucked into the Formal Relationship again. Yet the desire to say those things you wish you had been able to say all that time ago or even more recently remains strong and powerful. Of course what you might say now would perhaps differ from what you might have said back then, when you did not know better than what you know now. You did not know what you had been entangled with, nor how you had been manipulated and thus your words would take on a different form compared to if you said them now, armed with knowledge and understanding.
Think back, when the need to say those last words arose, if you could have said them, at the time, what would they have been?
10 thoughts on “Hoover Risk : The Need for the Last Word”
I realized that once I read the article, the best option would be the one thing he did to me so many times – ignore/withhold communication. Don’t say a word. Doing any thing else would bring forth another rage fest.
he has attempted to pull me back in twice via email so far. I have had to sit on my hands to prevent myself from typing out “you are not even a good fuck.” I want that year of monogamy back. That little shit.
Block the email/send it to spam and no going in the spam folder.
I did! Two different email accounts. Went to trash rather than spam in one, and My email account said I had to go into my trashcan so I went and coincidentally he had emailed me the same exact day and there it was and my damn curiosity got the better of me.
The other email went to a little used email account and I didn’t get it for an entire week and my damn curiosity yet again.
I have since deleted the entire email account. Fuck it.
I was frustrated by him when I knew him, now that I am free, I don’t want to be frustrated. I do wish I had leaned on him to let me paddle him in retrospect. A solid beating would make me feel a lot better. He did let me whack him with a riding crop a couple times, but I should have made him cry. 😂🤣 Glad I didn’t though, he didn’t deserve to know me
I said all I wanted to say and he ran for the hills with his tail between his legs. After sometime he comes back to hoover. Didn’t work. So he is now just watching, always watching. Will he ever leave HG?
How do you know he is watching?
When you say will he ever leave, do you mean will he ever leave you alone? The answer to that is, as I have stated many times before, there is always a risk you will be hoovered, what you can do is reduce that level of risk substantially.
Hi HG, yes, when will stay away. When I’m out and about at the mall or wherever he usually appears or his ‘lieutenants’. Watching what you are doing, who you are with, where you are going and who you talk to. I don’t know is this a common thing or just a him thing? Thanks HG.
This article is one that must be read and re-read, and above all heeded.
This is exactly what happened to me, all just before I found narcsite. I had decided to stop seeing the last narc, but I tipped him off and did not immediately block him for some irrational reason (I had deleted his number, but not blocked it because then his number would still have been ‘infecting’ my phone). And New Year’s Eve and the New Year meant I couldn’t have my number changed immediately.
Sure enough, he hoovered me very quickly, suggested in a royal word-saladly way that we ‘discuss it’, and as I wanted to be heard and have my last word, I went, in person, to ‘discuss’ it. It was horrible.
And then I was sucked back in for a month before my final escape. That was one of the worst months of my life, and this is a big understatement.
One thing I realise: when I consider what happened to me in light of the articles, when it is over, I always realise how right you are HG, and how much what you say or write is to be followed. Yet when the situation is not quite over, I may find it harder to follow exactly what you say, when I know I ought to because the evidence shows me I ought to. ET at work, probably. At least I can see it.
“Take A Bow”
How about a round of applause
You put on quite a show
Really had me going
But now it’s time to go
Curtain’s finally closing
That was quite a show
But it’s over now
Go on and take a bow
But it’s over now
I think it’s 2 words.
Begins with F and ends with F.
I’m a perfectionist. Too. A nice one, though.